Serendipitous Healing
by Harcad
Summary: Bella and Edward meet in a group home and then separated for years. When they find each other it takes a long time to gain the trust back. The ups and downs of their relationship and how it all folds in together. AH BxE POV's mild lemons
1. Preface

This is my third full length fanfic and I am so excited about it and to see what all of you think. I find the plot intriguing and I hope you all do too. This is a preface I put together, its basically a select few input's out of the actual story just to give you an general idea of what is to come.

_Here it is_

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT...UNLESS MY NAME IS STEPHENIE MEYER...WHICH SADLY IT IS NOT. I AM MERELY BORROWING HER CHARACTERS AND HAVING A LITTLE FUN WITH THEM.**

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PREFACE FOR SERENDIPITOUS HEALING

**_BPOV_**

That's when I knew I could do it; I could break down the walls for him if no one else, and use him as my coping mechanism. The thought of him giving up on me was enough to make me see that. We talked that day, more than I have talked to someone in years. I had coped up all of my impurities and it was poisoning me gradually as time passed. I think he knew I needed to let it out.

It wasn't without hard work that I achieved this happiness; when I first arrived I didn't think it possible at all: Especially when I thought about him. I went through therapist after therapist, hour after hour talking about my past with total strangers. I had to talk about him and that hurt more than all of my past combined.

**_EPOV_**

She looked so fucking broken and damaged yet alive and exuberant I couldn't quiet place it but something about her sparked my interest like static electricity the moment I walked into the room. She was holding in her issues and I knew firsthand how dangerous that could be. She had to let it out and I wasn't going to stop until she did.

I didn't spend much time thinking about college, especially over the last three years. I spent most of my time partying and letting loss. I lived the shit out of my childhood, one to remember. The parts I don't want to remember, Bella, I try and tune out minus the dreams because there isn't much I can do about that.

_**Journal Entry: 145**_

_Five years it's been and I still have the dreams. _

_Every night it's the same: Like I'm living the same day over and over again. _

_On the rare occasion when I happen to think about her, I dream of the last time I saw her. _

_The promise I kept and the one she shattered. I hate the thought of her, but I cannot shake her. She has forever been imprinted in my mind and there she will stay._

_I have been to shrinks and told them my issues, I have seen physiatrists and told them my problems; all to get her out of my mind so I can sleep. _

_Nothing helps; I am doomed to the memory of Isabella. _

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Not very much to go on I know but this will give you a chance to add it to your alerts so you will get updated when I start posting which will be sometime towards the end of this month. Please stick with me on this because it's going to be good. I have put a lot of thought into it and I really think you will like it....

The journal entry is EPOV, every chapter done in his POV will have at least one journal entry, every one of them thoughts on Bella. This will be during the time they are apart. I have told some of you that the first 10 chapters or so will be covering 10 years. Each chapter isn't each year but it jumps from one year to a few years and so on. I also believe in happy endings and I also am no good at Lemons so please don't expect any from this fic...most of you that have read my other stories know this already LOL....

I would ask you to leave me your thoughts and comments on if I should continue but I'm going to continue regardless so with that being said I would appreciate your guesses of what is to come...maybe your own version of something like this. I already have mine all planned out but I'm just curious to see what you are expecting. If you don't want of course you don't have to but I think it would be fun.

Look forward to reading your comments and concern (and guesses)...

Please leave me some love...little box below

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	2. Thirteen

_I'm going to save any A/N's for the end of the chapters unless I have something important to say before hand...please be sure to read this one as it has important information on the updating of this fanfic..._

_Thanks so much for reading....This story is Beta's by Scrimmy, she is amazing and I love her dearly..._

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**Thirteen**

**_BPOV_**

I didn't want to wake up, the back of my eye lids; _endless black abyss_ was more comfortable than the grungy walls I would see when I gave in to consciousness. At least _here;_ in the world I wished I belonged, I had family, I had friends and I had a life. I made people laugh and I even laughed myself. But in reality I haven't laughed in well over six months.

I have been in this group home for almost four years. Apparently nobody wants a lanky 10 year old klutz. It constantly smelled of feet and dirty laundry due to the amount of kids they took in every year. Endless amounts of kids that have been abandoned or left alone, much like myself. Thrown out into the world much too soon to fend for themselves or pushed into a place where no one really truly cares about them. Only because they get a paycheck or volunteer brownie points do they give two shits to the wind about any of us.

That is what the government thinks is best for those abandoned kids; empty compassion and false connections. Life can be a living hell on earth when you are the only one that actually sincerely cares about your feelings.

What keeps you going?

What keeps you motivated to hope that this isn't it, that life will get better?

What keeps _me_ here, in _this_ place where I cry every night when I go to sleep?

It wasn't until the day _he_ came, the day I discovered that my life did have meaning, that I got the answers to those questions consistently floating around in my head. A spark ignited inside me that took my breath away the moment I saw him and I knew he was the reason why. The reason I stayed in persecution, the reason I didn't sneak out the window one night and run as far away from this place as possible. _He_ was the reason I fought with my inner self over the reasons I _should have_ left.

I had been here two years, always staying to myself and not making friends with anyone because I knew it wouldn't last. Everyone in my life has always been temporary, never sticking around long enough to learn one damn thing about me. Like that is the way to grow up. Do you know how screwed up that can make a person? More so in the earlier stages of life.

Well I do and it isn't pretty. I have seen some messed up kids that have been in the system since they were born. Some people think they want to be a foster parent because they want to help kids, some people adopt because they are incapable of bearing any offspring of their own and some people foster for the money it provides every month.

Almost all of these cases end up back at the group home or passed around from home to home. Those are the kids who end up going in and out of jail because that is the only thing they know, the only thing that keeps them constantly under supervision like they have been their whole lives. Some kids will rebel and runaway or throw fits about everything in hopes that someone will actually show real worry about their feelings.

Which brings me to the fact that not one person in my life has asked me how I feel or how I was coping. Maybe that _is_ partly my fault because I refused to see a shrink but they are the fakest of them all. They really don't give a shit, only asking those stupid no precedence questions so they have something to write about in their journal.

Not until he came did I have someone to talk to, to vent, to hold me when I was down or when I needed a friendly companion. When he came into my life, it was like my soul was kicked into gear and I was living again, I was feeling and I was experiencing real happiness for the first time ever.

I had never laughed so much or smiled in my life. We didn't hit it off right away though; we didn't even introduce ourselves when we first met.

I was sitting on the end of a long couch that was used for a bed sometimes when we had too many kids. I had Withering Heights in one hand and my ear buds in the other. Yes I listen to music and read at the same time. It drowns out the people around me completely; guaranteed.

He was brought in by Larry, the overnight guardian whose only job consisted of meeting up with the police when they brought in another child that needed help. He had to settle on the couch because we were overcrowded and that's what it was here for. The only plus side to being here for as long as I have was having a room with a bed; granted, I shared with three other girls, I still had one.

I put my ear buds in and he started talking to me like he was talking to a friend, "What landed you in this dump?" He rested into the couch and Larry had excused himself to his office.

I hadn't turned the volume up so I heard him but wasn't sure if he was speaking to me. I looked in his direction and he was running his hand through his wild hair. "Are you talking to me?" I had asked. I was out of touch with having casual conversations, no one bothered anymore.

"No, I'm talking to the big pink elephant in the room," he said sarcastically. I pulled one of my ear buds out and an incredibly mouthwatering heart wrenching smile formed on his face. That wasn't even the part that left me speechless, it was his eyes. They were emerald green and they sparkled under the yellow light that shown all around us. The worst kind of lighting for reading but the best kind for the vibes this place put off.

"Well, how long have you been here?" He asked a different question this time, probably sensing I didn't want to talk about his previous one. I thought about answering him for a moment, starting a friendly conversation and maybe making a friend. But history repeats itself and the least amount of people I had to lose the better.

"Why does it matter?" I said putting the ear bud back in my ear.

"Aren't you a snooty little bitch," he snarled and I turned the volume up. He knew nothing about me and anything he said wouldn't matter in a few days time. He would be chosen to go to a foster home or he would be out of my life forever. So I silently gave him the finger before jumping into my book.

Not a day went by that he didn't try and talk to me and I didn't respond. My heart was telling me to let him in, to drop the walls I have built so strong around me and for once confide in someone. But I couldn't do it, not until about two months later.

"Bella, I think you need a friend and I'm trying really hard to be that for you, but if you won't fucking let me in what am I supposed to do? I can't just sit around this shit hole all day talking to a mute."

That's when I knew I could do it; I could break down the walls for him if no one else, and use him as my coping mechanism. The thought of him giving up on me was enough to make me see that. We talked that day, more than I have talked to someone in years. I had cooped up all of my impurities and it was poisoning me gradually as time passed. I think he knew I needed to let it out; that is why he hounded me so much over the first couple of months he was here.

By the time my 12 birthday rolled around we were inseparable, you would not find one of us without the other. He had been here for seven months and I couldn't be happier. More than a few potential guardians came and had their eyes set on Edward, who could blame them, he was the epitome of gorgeous not to mention he was very cunning and had the voice of an angel. He was athletic and had the most eye popping physique imaginable, at 13 that is.

Of course I never told him I thought those things, I cringed even at the thought of revealing such intimate feelings. I had gotten accustomed to rejection and false pretenses and every time I got even a millimeter close to spilling my emotions out for him to crush, I reminded myself of that and halted all of my thoughts.

Edward didn't get adopted for another 10 months 3days, but that was only because he would always cause a scene and make outrageous gestures with his words to scare them away. I asked him once why he did that and he told me because he wouldn't leave me to rot in this place by myself. He would always say we only have so many years until I turn 18 and you can come live with me when I get an apartment. He wanted to take care of me and I wanted to let him do it more than anything.

A man and his wife; rather Dr. Cullen and his wife came to the group home and had their eyes set on Edward. Once again he threw a fit, cussing and yelling inappropriate things at the woman and getting up in the doctor's face; everything to get them to turn around and run. Instead they did just the opposite; they went through with the adoption papers. They were interested in him because he was troubled and he was exactly the kind of kid they liked to adopt.

"What's going to happen?" I remember asking him as he held me close to him in the lobby while he waited for the Cullen's to finalize the paperwork in the other room.

"I'll figure it out Bella; no fucking body is going to keep me away from you." His grip on me tightened like I was some prized gem that he had to hold onto as if his life depended on it. I know mine did.

"Do you know where they're taking you?" my eyes were stained with tears as the words left my mouth.

"I don't know but I will find a way to tell you. I won't let them keep me from you; if they try I will come back for you." There was sincerity in his voice and I believed him. I had to believe him because if I didn't nothing was going to make sense. My whole life was going to be over just as quick as it had started.

"I believe you," was all I could say and it was enough.

"Are you ready Edward?" Dr. Cullen said from behind me where Edward was facing.

"Does it look like I'm fucking ready? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?" Edward spat and his heart beat started to race. I concentrated on it to drown out the arguing that was going on around me.

Eventually he had to go and he left me with a promise to come back and a locket that was the only thing he had when he arrived in the system. I cried that night, the most I have cried since my parents and I felt like the hole in my chest was ripped to its fullest. For the next 4 months I did nothing but listen to the CD Edward left behind, Debussy. It was his favorite because it allowed him to think and achieve peace of mind. All it did was provide me with the little piece of him I needed to keep myself intact; proof that he did in fact exist.

I finally opened my eyes and took in exactly what I expected. The four grey worn walls that encased me every night, the sun yellow curtains that swayed on the east side window of the room and the three girls up and about primping and priming.

I hadn't heard from Edward at all in six months, I didn't know where he was, if he was thinking of me or if he even still cared. I was starting the process; a process I have perfected over the years. The process of letting him go; releasing him from my memory and putting the walls between us.

I hated him for showing me that side of me still existed and that I could still let people in just to get hurt. Never again will I let that guard down; never again will I let anyone get close to me.

The Swan's came to look at the options of the group home and they kept looking at me and throwing around words like "_she's so beautiful_", and "_she's perfect, exactly what we were hoping to find_". I didn't understand why they chose me, but they did and I was happy to go, to start a new life and hopefully be happy. I was not capable of true happiness—life just wouldn't allow it—so I hoped for whatever amount of happiness I was capable of achieving.

_This part of my life I like to call Acceptance_.

Charlie was the chief of police in the good town of Forks, that's how they found out about me. Charlie had seen so many kids go in and out of there but I remained. I was the only one to be left there for more than a year. I was there for over four. I was happy he noticed; he and his wife Renee were really great.

Rosalie and Alice were okay too, I guess. The Swan's adopted Rosalie when she was 10 and Alice when she was 7. They were both now 14 as was I. They were bubbly and happy and giddy almost all of the time. I only wished I could be like that, not the bleak shy person I actually am.

Rosalie could be a little harsh sometimes; the first couple of days in the Swan house were the worst.

"We have two other girls you will be sharing the upstairs with." Mrs. Swan mentioned once we were in the car and on our way. I wasn't particularly thrilled about that but it didn't really bother me either. They would probably ignore me like everyone else does.

I didn't respond.

"Alice set up your room, she's a designer of sorts and she insisted," she continued.

I still didn't answer; my way of protecting myself. It was my usual reaction to a new temporary home. They never seemed to last so why even try to bond or get to know someone. It's inevitable and it won't hurt as much, just a little notch out of my already notched up heart.

She stopped talking after that, well at least to me. She continued to talk to her husband and I continued to gaze out the window as we drove down the windy country roads.

Not too long after we pulled up next to a moderately good sized house with a fenced backyard and rows upon rows of flowers in the front yard. There was one other car parked in the drive way and it was Charlie's police cruiser.

"What do you think?" Renee asked as we both stepped out of the car. She was trying so hard to get through to me and I really wished she wouldn't.

"It's nice," I replied impartial.

"Oh, wait until you see the rest," she grabbed my hand and started leading me to the house. I didn't like the way she held my hand, the feel of another person's skin against mine was awkward. I only wanted one hand to touch me and that was never going to happen again.

The house was beautiful, just as the outside portrayed it to be. Everything seemed to be in the perfect spot to set a different vibe and feel to each room. She tugged me through every room, showing me everything and explaining the rules of the house.

"One: No sneaking out. If you do that it means we cannot trust you and a family is built on trust. Two: No smoking, drinking or illegal substances. Charlie is the chief of police and that will not be tolerated."

"What if you're 18?"

"Well, if you were 18 you wouldn't be here now would you?" she said mockingly.

"No, I guess not." I don't smoke; I just wanted it for future reference. I hated being treated like a child, even though I know that's what I am; I have never liked it.

She led me up a flight of stairs and down a long hallway. There were four doors and she opened the second one down, on the right. "Here is your room."

I was surprised at how nice the room actually was; too bad it wasn't really mine. "Where is the bathroom?" I always avoided the whole, "_oh thank you thank you for my new temporary room_", speech because I refuse to thank anyone who is only going to add another notch to my pain and suffering.

"It's this door here," she gestured to the door directly across from "_mine_". "Isabella…"

"Bella," I corrected her as I continued to look around the room. It was as if this Alice knew exactly who I was and what I would want my room to look like. She would have to be someone who wanted to torture me because this time would be that much more painful because of her.

"Bella, please don't be scared to get comfortable here." I rolled my eyes even though I wasn't facing her; I've heard that before. "We really want this to work out, for all of us."

"I'll do my best," of course it was all on me, I had to be the one to get along with everyone else. That is exactly why I fucking hate being in the system. It's supposed to be about the kid not the damn family they're being forced into.

"I'm not saying you are the only one that needs to adjust Bella, I just want you to put in some effort while the rest of us do the same. That's all I'm asking."

"Like I said, I'll do my best." Not good with authority…beep, beep, beep.

"Thank you," she was staying calm and collected but I knew that pissed her off. Whatever, it won't take long. She shut the door and left me to the room. Now that I didn't have an audience I looked closer.

The bed was full, with a dark purple comforter with black lace designs all over it. I ran my fingers along the lace as I passed by it. I noticed the big fluffy pillows pilled at the head of the bed as well. There was a dresser pushed up against the eastern wall, positioned perfectly between the window sill and the perpendicular wall. It too was a dark purple and had the same material and designs as the bed spread. The second dresser was one of those woman one's; long with six drawers and a big vanity mirror in the center.

There were three pictures on the mirror, the first of a girl, dark black hair spiked in every direction. Her smile was almost too painful to look at, I would never be that happy. The next was another girl but she had long flowing blonde hair and she was really pretty. They both looked to be my age so I could only assume the girls were Alice and Rosalie.

The last picture basically confirmed my belief. Chief Swan and his wife were in this picture and holding onto them was Alice and Rosalie.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, it was more like a stamped of wild animals. Then there was a light but furious knock on the door.

I walked to it and listened for a moment.

"_Shh, Rose shut up."_

"_But I want to see her first."_

"_No, Rose I was here first."_

"_You're such a bitch."_

"_Beautiful, Intelligent, talented, charming and happy, yes I am." _

My sisters, _this was going to be so much fun_, I thought with heavy, heavy sarcasm. I opened the door and they both straightened up and the dark haired one smiled. She was so small and petite. Her voice matched her physique.

"Hi, you must be Isabella, I'm Alice." It was whimsical and pitched like a melody.

"It's Bella, Hi."

"This is Rosalie."

"You can call me _Rose_," she butted in. "If that's alright with you _Bella_?"

"Okay Rose," I spat back and slammed the door in their faces. I don't want, nor do I need, friends and I wasn't going to put up with some "_riding on her high horse_" girl all in my face and if she didn't like it then tough.

There was another light knock on the door a few minutes later, this time it was just Alice. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," I left the door open for her and she shut it behind her.

"How do you like your room?"

I shrugged, "I don't ever stay long enough to like a room; I'm sure this one will be no different."

"The Swan's are really good people Bella, I think you'll like it here." She bounced onto the bed that was meant for me and waited for my reply.

"We'll see," is what I came up with. Alice was nice and I wanted to be nice back but the pain was too much to bear. I promised myself I wouldn't do it, not again; not ever.

"Rose is kind of like a puppy, she warms up to you once she gets to know you. Her mom was a junkie, she always had tons of people around and going in and out of the house so she got used to putting up a front. I won't tell you anymore, she should be the one to tell you."

I was actually interested in hearing her story, so I pushed further, something I banned myself from doing. Something about this Alice, this pixie like dark spiky haired girl with green eyes sparkling back at mine, something about her made me want to trust her.

"What's your story?" I went for it.

**_EPOV_**

"_You can do it, come on_," I mentally yelled at myself before attempting the heel flip for the umpteenth time tonight. I was trying to forget about the family I had been with for over three months; that was quiet the feat for me. My usual is a few weeks, a month tops. They didn't even really do anything for me to runaway but I knew they would eventually. Why try and fight fate right.

"_Fuck fate, fate doesn't decided my future, I do_," I said out loud though no one was around to hear it; frustrated that I couldn't do the damn heel flip. It wasn't a hard fucking trick, it was rudimentary, and I should know this stuff. "_But I can't_," I lifted the board up above my head after another failed attempt, "_Fucking do it_," I brought it down hard, feigning like I was going to bust it in a million trillion different pieces, but, just like the damn trick, I couldn't fucking do it.

I gave up on the trick for tonight and started the long skate to nowhere. I skated down a long serpentine road; it was dark so I walked along the shoulder of the oncoming traffic. Of course the first pair of headlights to come around the corner would be a police officer.

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I don't know who the fuck these people think they are bringing me to this place. I wasn't bothering anyone, if anything they were the ones doing the bothering.

_Stupid fucking pigs. _

I could have taken care of myself. The place he took me to was a dump, it looked like it was built in like the 1400's and I could already smell the stench still sitting in the back of the police cruiser. How the hell people can live like that is far beyond me. The yard, if that's even what you would call it, was small dark and a disaster if I ever fucking saw one. The epitome of hell right smack in the middle of Forks.

Then to top it all off, some fucking scrawny guy that looked like he just came out of his shack in the middle of the woods with no running water came out to take me inside.

"He hasn't been too much trouble," I heard the pig tell the grease monkey. "I don't think you'll have any trouble with this one." He leaned down and gazed at me through the back window.

The smell got worse as we got closer and I dreaded staying here for any amount of time. I don't know how anyone did it. Inside was just as bad, it wasn't dirty but it was visibly old and worn out. I didn't see one thing in there that held any interest to me, not one thing that stood out; until he showed me where I would be sleeping until other arrangements could be made.

Sitting with her knees up against her chest was the most mesmerizing female I have ever laid eyes on and the fragrance emitting from her was something otherworldly. She looked so fucking broken and damaged yet alive and exuberant I couldn't quite place it but something about her sparked my interest like static electricity the moment I walked into the room.

I tried to talk to her but she just blew me off and flipped me the bird after I called her a bitch. Yeah, I called her a bitch because girls that act that way typically are. She did the same thing the next day and it made me want to try even harder. She was holding in her issues and I knew firsthand how dangerous that could be. She had to let it out and I wasn't going to stop until she did.

After a whole month of badgering I was getting restless with trying so hard to get through to her that I finally fell over the edge. I basically told her that she needed to wake up and smell the fucking coffee. I wasn't trying to meddle or get under her fucking skin, but I knew I could listen and be there for her like the friend she knew she needed.

She actually spoke to me; she told me about her parents, about how they were young and didn't have a lot of money. When she was four her grandma took her and raised her as her own until the day she died. She died on the 10th of December and that's when she came here. Her parents were notified, separately because they had split shortly after she left; both of them declined to take her in.

I felt her pain in that moment and I was able to see why she was the way she was. Why she stayed to herself and didn't let anyone break through her borders. She was under the impression that that's what people did; left you and threw you out like a used paper towel. She was protecting herself, yet here she was, laying it all out for me to see.

I swore to her—and myself—that I would never leave her; that I would always be near her to help her get through this and help her break through to her true personality. It was there, I could hear it and see it emerge from time to time and I worked hard to get it out of her every chance I had.

Weeks went by and we were already connecting on a whole other level. She confided in me things that were hard for her to talk about; things that happened that would make a grown man break down. She was here, living and breathing and portraying any kind of normalcy she could muster. I saw through it, there was trouble and animosity behind her deep chocolate eyes.

I was determined, if not to erase it entirely, to at least lessen the amount of times I saw it any given day. She was so fucking beautiful, so fucking smart and had so much fucking potential to be happy and that was my driving force. Every time she smiled I captured it and stored it away in my memory, I wanted to see it every day for eternity.

As the months went by people started coming and showing interest in taking me away from her and breaking every promise I ever gave her. I wasn't going to let that happen lying down; I was going to put up a fight for her. She needed me just as much as I needed her; they couldn't do it. So I made a scene, every time someone came to introduce themselves to me I went off. I did anything and everything I could to turn them away and it worked, for a while.

The day Dr. Cullen and his wife came was the hardest day of my life thus far. I had to leave Bella to fend for herself, to put up with all the crap that place had to offer. I hated myself for a long time after that. I hated the Cullen's for an even longer time.

I couldn't call her because the line had to be authorized to go through, I couldn't send her a letter because they wouldn't give it to her even if I did. So after six months I finally talked Carlisle and Esme into buying me a plane ticket so I could go see her. I needed to see her.

When I got there my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest, but something else was wrenching it, making me want to heave. It was the fact that Bella wasn't there, she had been adopted. I begged and pleaded with the grease monkey but he wasn't budging. He wasn't going to tell me where she was. She could be anywhere, the worlds the limit.

There was nothing I could do but go home, go back to Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Jasper; my foster parents and bothers.

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Journal Entry 1: July 17th 2000

_It feels like the world is crashing down all around me._

_All I can do is sit by and watch it happen._

_Love—gone and the void filled with lust, hunger and filthy unemotional sex. _

_Trust—out the window, I don't trust anyone except Emmett and Jasper._

_Not even the good ol' doctor and his wife; fuck them._

_Sure they let me live in their fuck of a nice house and they clothe me well enough._

_Abercrombie sporting attire; they sprung for the spendy shit and I was all for it. _

_They even got me a top of the line Zero skateboard, it's my baby, we do everything together. _

_It's what got me through the time post Bella; those times were the fucking worst. _

That was the first of many entries I put into a journal Carlisle had given me a few months after I'd moved in. After I made the trip to Forks to see Bella I decided to use it as a form of therapy.

I was angry all the time, nothing was good enough. The only thing I managed to hold onto was my willingness to learn and my passion for music. When it came to school, nothing else mattered. When it came to the piano, nothing else mattered. I grew up in a poor house, up until two years ago. I know what not having dreams or an education will lead to, right back where I fucking started, in the poor house.

It has been two years and I try so fucking hard not to think about Bella, at least not willingly and never during the day; unless I was playing the piano. When the lights go out and I fall asleep that's when I indulge. I dream of her; every night she hugs me, she holds me and tells me I'm someone special.

_Journal Entry: 32 August 18__th__ 2002_

_The fucking worst part is that it feels so real, I feel like I'm going to wake up and she'll be right next to me. But she never is and I always wake up to that disappointment. Who could blame me for being so touchy? _

That was an entry I wrote after Emmett and Jasper got on me for being such a grouch in the mornings, I had to tell someone and it definitely wasn't going to be them. They knew about her but they didn't know about the dreams.

"So what's up bro? Is there something bothering you?" Emmett asked on our way to school. Here in Chicago it was easy to fit in, I seemed to have a shine for people and people loved to hear me play or watch me skate. By people I mainly mean the female type.

I wrote most of my own music but I covered a few songs if it was requested. "It's just memories," I tried to play it off as no big deal but he could always see right through me.

"You're thinking about her aren't you? That's a good tactic to use but only when you're performing. Any other time and it just puts you in some kind of induced coma."

"That's because when I think of her," I think of what could have been, what would've happened if she would've been there when I returned to the group home. What would have happened if I never would have left, "I get pissed the fuck off."

He rolled his eyes at me, "Yeah and my name is Abraham Lincoln. You need to let it go bro, we're in Chicago. You're never going to see her again." He always saw through my cover ups, I thought I was pulling them off but he knew better.

"I'm good Emmett, fuck," didn't mean I had to put up with it. I picked up my pace just as we were crossing the street to Jones Prep, a college prep high school.

"Get over it man, it's just going to eat at you until you do," he yelled after me and I tried to ignore him.

"Hey Edward the slips came in today; you're on one of them." Jessica was one of my many followers, she also happened to be in the president body as the head of organized activity. That's just the formal fucking way to say party planner. She handles all matters when it comes to graduations, banquets, fundraisers, dances, talent shows and anything else that involves planning. You get the idea.

"I knew I could count on you," I unleashed my persuasive side on her and my pantie wetting grin. Yes, the ladies love me and I love being with the ladies.

The talent show was coming up and there were scouts coming to check out what Jones prep had to offer. I asked Jessica to assist my name getting on one of the tickets to perform. I was performing a song I had written a few years ago. The notes started before Bella, they continued and grew into something magnificent during my time with Bella, and after Bella.

"Anything you need, anything at all," she was sweating my nuts hard, "You let me know."

"I'll keep that in mind," I took off to my first class, it started in five and I still had half the grounds to beat to get there.

"Mr. Cullen," my English teacher greeted when I entered through the door without even looking to see that it was in fact me.

"Mr. Deschene, what's up?" I tried to play cool and of course it worked. Every girl in that room was undressing me with their eyes. It was like a sixth sense of mine if you will; I was a bad boy but I was good with the ladies.

Mr. Deschene started his lecture for the day….and life goes on.

* * *

_**So much more is coming and I hope you'll be waiting in the shadows for the updating to start. I am waiting to post because I have had a hard time keeping school and pleasure separated. I can't concentrate and school has to come first...so I should be done writing it the end of this month and that's when I'll start updating...once a week because I have to transfer from my phone to the computer and that's manual transfer my friends lol. So a lot of typing, which is good because I am really liking the speed it's given me. Proud to type 67 wds a minute...not the best obviously but better than some woot woot.**_

_**So I'll be posting every Saturday (and possibly some Wednesdays if I can manage to get the chappies done in time) once it starts and I will remind you every chapter...**_

_**Thank you so much for reading and please keep a look out for it...add it to your favs or alerts or whatever so you don't miss it...**_

**Please leave me some love....little box just below**

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	3. Generation Now

**Generation Now**

**_BPOV_**

We'll call this part of my life '_Finding my way_'…June 12th 2004

Five years I have been with the Swan's and I could not think of a better family to have. Alice and Rose were the _best_ sisters a girl could ask for. I was happy, beyond happy and I had been for awhile now.

It wasn't without hard work that I achieved this happiness; when I first arrived I didn't think it possible at all: Especially when I thought about _him_. I went through therapist after therapist, hour after hour talking about my past with total strangers. I had to talk about him and that hurt more than all of my past combined.

He was the first person I ever let through my barrier, the first man that I let myself have feelings for and he never came back. _Edward_ was not someone I ever wanted to see again. I put in hours of intense sessions to get over him, to erase him from my memory. It didn't work completely; nothing could keep the dreams away.

But during the day, when I lived my life the best way that I could, he didn't cross my mind. Only on the rare occasion and those were few and far between.

"We're going to be late for our flight," Alice yelled from her room. We had gotten up late, a whole 26 minutes late and Alice was bouncing around from room to room rushing me and Rose.

"I've almost got it," I yelled back. I was working with the zipper to my suitcase which was not working out in the least.

"For Christ sake Bella, you can't even zip up your luggage?" She met me at my side and hoped up onto my suitcase.

"Well, zip it up chicka we got a plane to catch." I zipped it up and it took a lot to get it to go. My hair had fallen into my face and I brushed it back with the back of my hand.

"Phew, that was a work out," I joked.

"Now let's get out of here," she Congo danced out of my room and into her own down and across the hall. I towed my luggage out of my room and down the stairs right behind Rose.

"You girls ready to go?" Charlie asked when he met us in the foyer. He was a great father and I would miss him terribly. I would never be able to thank them enough for what they have done for me.

The Seattle airport was hectic and we barely had enough time to check in our bags.

"We'll miss you, promise to call every day," Renee commanded.

"One of us will call every day," Alice cooed as she hugged her tight.

"Oh Rose, my beautiful Rose; don't hurt the boys to bad, one of them will be Mr. Right." She hugged her too while Charlie was saying bye to Alice.

"Bella, my dear sweet Bella. You have come so far and I'm so happy to see you off," she cut short, her emotions getting the best of her. "I can't believe all of my girls are leaving." She cried when she wrapped her arms around my neck. I felt my eyes water, I would definitely miss them.

We had to go through security and Charlie and Renee stood on the sidelines until we were through and about to walk down the hall where there was no turning back.

We waved hysterically at them as they did the same and then we took the few steps out of their sight and they were gone.

"I can't wait, I'm so excited. _LA here we come_," Rose sang the last part. Yes, we were headed to good old Los Angeles California, what better place to experience life's little lessons. At least that's what the brochure said.

We boarded the plane, Rose, Alice and I were sharing a set of seats and thankfully, I got the window. When the flight took off it almost felt like my past did too. Of course I would never truly leave it behind, how could I? My past is what made me the person I am today. I may have been dealt one royally screwed up hand, but it's who I am. I didn't have to deny it anymore, _I am a fucked up person, proceed with caution_. I would scream it if it weren't for the people all around us. My last therapist, before I stopped therapy all together, she had said that screaming was a very good way at relieving stress and letting out your frustrations. I was definitely nervous.

The flight landed a few hours later at San Diego International but for some reason it took forever for them to position the plane in its boarding dock.

When we finally were able to head off, we did so without hesitation. None of us had ever been to California, this was a first for all three of us and I was happy as a clam to be experiencing it with my sisters.

The corridor was packed and it took almost a half hour just to get to the luggage pick up. When we got there it took another hour and a half just to get our luggage off the conveyer belt; apparently they had trouble with luggage on the tarmac and that's why it took us so long to get to the loading dock.

We had our bags in hand and were headed to the doors to catch a cab. I still seemed to walk with my head facing the floor whenever I walked, half because of my self esteem issues that haven't fully recovered and half because I was known for my awkwardness.

I had a sudden overload of Déjà vu, but I'd never been here before. I looked up and around me and there was nothing to trigger it. The feeling was gone, but something lingered.

"Bella, come on," Rose called from the rotating glass door. I picked up my pace and made my way through the door after them. Outside the airport was just as hectic; taxi cabs lined up in all three lanes of traffic. Thankfully, they weren't hard to flag down.

We threw our bags in the truck and I was shocked when they all fit snuggly. I was expecting to carry a few on our laps but the truck was big enough to fit a few bodies. My mind ran with that as Alice told the driver where to take us and we left the airport and my déjà vu experience in the rearview mirror.

We were staying in an apartment not far from where we would be spending most of our days for the next few years. It was three bedrooms and a year of rent paid; some from Charlie and Renee and the rest from the state. We had the state to thank for our being here, if it weren't for their aid for adopted children, we wouldn't be attending college at all.

At least, not all at once.

The place wasn't what you would call luxury but it had its perks. The kitchen came with old mouse traps, the one bathroom had a water stained shower curtain and the living room had the faint smell of body odor. Other than that it was home sweet home.

Our furniture and other belongings would arrive in two days when Charlie and Renee brought it all down in a U-haul truck. Thankfully we packed two whole suitcases with blankets and pillows.

*******

"Do you want this kind?" Renee asked about the carpet deodorizer. They arrived this morning and saw the mess we were destined to live in. Renee felt terrible but we were happy to have it. The moment they walked in they smelled the stench and took us to Wal-Mart.

"Lavender would probably cover it up best," Alice replied. "It's strong and holds its fragrance."

"What about air freshener: Chamomile?"

"Yeah, that's a good combination."

We bought $45 worth of cleaning supplies and a new shower curtain then headed back to the apartment. Cleaning was rather fun, us girls wore bandanas over our hair to keep the smell and whatever else out of it. We scrubbed the walls in the kitchen, and the bathroom floors and doused the carpets. It smelled divine.

We helped Charlie bring in all of our furniture and belongings and Alice showed us where to put everything. Towards the end Charlie informed us that they had a surprise for us and we couldn't go back outside for a while or we would see it.

"Dad, no way," Alice was the only one out of all of us that called Charlie _dad_ and Renee _mom_. I guess she was young enough when they adopted her. Renee's eyes seemed to light up every time she said it.

Did I mention Charlie is the type that likes to make you think one thing when really it's another? He would always tell us things like, "_Oh this, no this is for one of my cadets",_ about something we found and later "_Yeah, it's for you three"._

This was one of those times.

"I hope you like it. It's a hefty payment every month but we'll pay it for the first year, and insurance. We're hoping you all will have jobs by then. Financial aid would cover all of your expenses and food and a little fun too."

"Don't forget gas," I replied.

"Definitely we'll need gas money…Well, what do you guys think?" He asked, changing the subject.

There against the curb was a car; I couldn't be sure what kind of car until I saw the back, where it would tell me: An Accord, green in color and black on the inside. "It's beautiful," Rose cooed as she ran her finger down the side of it.

"Glad you like it because we would lose a lot of money if you didn't," Charlie chuckled.

They stayed for dinner and left shortly after because Charlie had to work and they had a twenty hour drive ahead of them.

"We'll see you on breaks right? We'll send for you." Renee ordered as we were saying our goodbyes. I actually shed a tear, I haven't shed a tear for anyone else since…

"Bye Bella, I love you don't forget that okay?"

"I know you do, and I love you too," which I did. When they adopted me I had no intensions of getting to know them, letting them in because they would hurt me the moment I did. It took a year maybe more, but I finally broke that barrier, at least for them. If I have any parents, Renee and Charlie are it hands down.

"I love you too kid," Charlie said when he hugged me.

"I love you too Charlie."

"Oh mom," Rose joked, it's the only time she ever called them mom or dad, when she was kidding or when she really wanted something. They hugged her then and they both left shortly after.

"You wanna go cruise around in our new car?" Alice clapped.

"Only if I'm driving," I said. "We know what your score was on the driver's test," I mad fun.

"Yeah, yeah, I just want to venture out and learn the city."

"Well…what are we waiting for?" Rose said dangling the keys in front of my face. I snatched them from her hand and ran to the car. Alice locked up and jumped in the back and we were off.

"Pay attention to where we're going, I don't want to get lost."

"I already typed our address into the tom tom so we're good," Rose informed me.

LA was beautiful at night: Lots of people littered the streets. Some were homeless, some weren't; we expected that much. We ended up on Mission Bay Drive, a very popular street in San Diego. We made our way through Hollywood District and ended up at Mission Bay Park.

"Do you want to ride the big dipper?" Alice sang, bouncing in the back seat.

"Let's do it," Rose agreed. I pulled into the north parking lot and I was grateful when I figured out the alarm on the car. I would hate to have our car stolen the first night.

There wasn't a line as all the stores were closing for the night and we got right on it. It was fun; the constructor guy gave us a free ride after our turn was over. He said with heavy enthusiasm, "_Welcome to California_", and hit the switch. It was a lot of fun.

We walked out to the beach and sat there for awhile, our feet bare and toes wiggling in the sand. "Are we ready for school on Monday? I don't want to go unprepared," Alice broke the silence.

"We're ready," I replied. "I checked the online registration for all of us when Charlie hooked up the computer and internet; we are all registered for our classes." Alice wasn't one to be prepared, she was an _on the whim kind of girl_.

"Good, I can't wait to start," she giggled and kicked her feet in the sand.

We left shortly after, there were a few people walking along the boardwalk, one in particular stood out to me. His hair was a mess, bronze in color and his physique was gorgeous from behind. That same feeling from the airport washed over me and I was stopped cold in my tracks.

"Bella, come on," Rose called a few feet in front of me.

"Coming," I forced myself to walk, to walk away from the feeling that I was missing out on something. That's when I started thinking about him. I thought about him the whole ride home, Rose drove this time. I thought about his eyes, how green and tantalizing they were. I thought about his laugh, the way he made me smile and the way he made me feel. Then I thought about the way he made me cry, the way he broke his promise and never came back. Tonight was sure to be a long one.

We ate Top Ramen for dinner because none of us felt like cooking not even me and I usually found refuge in the kitchen. I just wanted to go to sleep, get the night over with and start again tomorrow, fresh.

When I entered my room it was odd, it felt like I was back in Forks, in the room Alice had designed for me before she even knew me. Still to this day, I love everything about it.

On my dresser was my jewelry box that held only one item. I didn't look at it often but tonight I was already doomed, so I was going to indulge.

I opened the box and lifted the lining, I always hid it away so I wouldn't see it if I happened to add something to the box. I pulled it out and held it tightly in my fist. I walked over to the bed and sat on the end of it. I held my fist to my chest and took in a deep breath before opening it and looking at its contents.

***A chain of gold was twisted and tangled around a little gold heart. My chest felt heavy and my body started to vibrate, the tears started to fall. My eyes were locked on it, I couldn't look away and when I opened it to reveal the picture of the little boy and his mother. I nearly lost it.

I lay down with the locket closed tightly in my fist again and cried silent sobs until I finally fell out. Of course I dreamt of him, every night I dreamt of him. This night was like all other nights when I thought about him during the day. The last time I saw him, the promise he made to me and when I wake up he is never there.

He promised me he would be.

**_EPOV_**

Journal Entry: 145 June 12, 2004

_Five years it's been and I still have the dreams. _

_Every night it's the same: Like I'm living the same day over and over again. _

_On the rare occasion when I happen to think about her, I dream of the last time I saw her. _

_The promise I kept and the one she shattered. I hate the thought of her, but I cannot shake her. She has forever been imprinted in my mind and there she will stay._

_I have been to shrinks and told them my issues, I have seen psychiatrists and told them my problems; all to get her out of my mind so I can sleep. _

_Nothing helps; I am doomed to the memory of Isabella. _

Today, Emmett, Jasper and I were leaving Chicago; one to four plus years we would spend in San Diego. The college there has all three of our majors on the list, the only one in the US. Emmett's major—Physical Education, Jasper's major—Psychology and mine; well mine is music but really I haven't decided yet.

I didn't spend much time thinking about college, especially over the last three years. I spent most of my time partying and letting lose. I lived the shit out of my childhood, one to remember. The parts I don't want to remember, _Bella_, I try and tune out minus the dreams because there isn't much I can do about that.

We arrived at San Diego International Airport and right after our plane docked one of the luggage carts came apart and suitcases and duffle bags were all over the tarmac. We made our way through the crowd of people and stopped off at the Wendy's near the rotating glass doors.

When I took the last bite of my double stack a shock ran through me and made me choke. I grabbed for my coke and drank it greedily to clear my trachea.

"You okay," Jasper asked.

"That was wicked," I'd never felt anything like it before. It caused my heart to thrash and my head was in a whirl. I had to know what caused it, I needed more.

"What?" Jasper brought me down off cloud nine the bastard.

"Nothing, I'm cool."

I took my tray to the garbage and they followed. "Time to hit the road huh." We had a rental car waiting for us and we had a 20 minutes drive to our off the campus apartment. We walked through the doors and that same shock came back but it wasn't as strong this time; it only made me thirst for it that much more.

Our rental was a Sebring, horrible choice for a car but rather comfortable for the ride. We talked about the girls we would meet and the parties we would attend, very little was said about the actual attendance to UCSD. Classes didn't start for a few days, but by Monday, we would all be full time college students, _whoo_!

Our neighborhood was nice, right off the beach; I knew the good doctor would spring for nice digs. We were definitely going to have some good wholesome fun on the beach, keggers included.

It was a condo, two stories, and three rooms on the top floor with four bathrooms. There was a deck that overlooked a private beach that was shared between us and the condo next to us. That condo was a vacation rental, laymen's terms; _unoccupied_.

"Dude, did you see the bathrooms, who the fuck needs four bathrooms?" I heard Emmett telling Jasper while I was out on the deck.

"Apparently we do," Jasper replied.

The chill from the ocean was nice, very different from anything I ever felt in Washington. It was bone chilling on the beaches there, here, it countered the sun. My hair was in its usual disarray and the wind felt nice flowing through it.

"What are you doing out here? Jasper, get out here," Emmett joined me at my side and leaned his forearms on the ledge and looked out at the sea. "What do you think?" he asked.

"I think we're going to have a shit ton of parties and see more than a few women in skimpy bikinis. " He high fived me at the same time Jasper came out to join us.

"What did I miss?"

"_You_ missed the first high five of many my brother," Emmett boomed. He held his hands up and Jasper and I hit them with one of our own. "We're fucking free man, can you feel it?"

I did feel free…_until I went to sleep_.

I woke up restless and discouraged; Bella wasn't next to me when I opened my eyes; like I expected her to be. Have I ever mentioned I hate mornings.

* * *

The two days passed quickly. I felt the same shock that I did at the airport when I was on the beach night before last. I couldn't even begin to explain what it was like but I promised myself I was going there every night until I figured out what caused it.

It wasn't like drugs, drugs I've done and nothing felt so good, so right, but it was definitely an addiction that left me jonesing for more the moment it wore off.

We had the Sebring for two weeks; we had until then to get a permanent form of transportation. There was a set budget, we could either buy a new car and share or each buy a used car and have our own. I was all for having my own ride, but I had to convince Emmett and Jasper to feel the same.

The campus wasn't far but it took us 45 minutes to get there because of traffic. They weren't kidding when they said leave at the very least, an hour early.

"So we'll meet back here at 2?" I asked when we stood outside the car gathering our bags.

"2:15," Jasper replied straightening his shirt under his backpack, "My last class ends at 2:10."

"Okay, 2:15, see ya." I took off in the direction of the main office and Emmett followed.

"Oh man, I've already met eyes with three perspective hookups. Oh, make that four." Emmett: Such a lady lover. He was always looking for his next fling. I don't think I've seen him in one serious relationship since I've known him. That's five years, but I have no room to talk. I was never looking though; the ladies always came to me. "You are the epitome of a womanizer Emmett, are you proud of that?" I mocked.

"Hell yeah I'm proud of that, thank god I'm not jasper." Jasper has had one serious relationship with a girl named Marie. They were together when I first met him and they lasted a whole four years after. It's been about eight months now, I can't even tell you why they broke it off, I think they just fell apart. The long distance relationship probably would have done them in if they hadn't already split.

"Oh he is our goal for this weekend, he's getting laid," Emmett was of course game for that.

"Party," he smiled widely.

"Oh yeah my brother, beach party at our condo," the words rang hangover, but that was the price you pay for a good time.

We got our maps of the campus and went our separate ways, I to the music hall and Emmett to the physical Education building. There was a vibrant woman sitting next to an open seat in the classroom and she looked up at me with the expression I have seen on women's faces nearly my entire life.

"Do you mind?" I asked referring to the seat next to her.

"No, not at all," she stuttered and looked away from me. She must have realized she was staring; took her long enough.

We talked until the instructor started class. I found out her name was Erica and she played the violin. She was rather beautiful, blond hair and a body that would thrive in sports illustrated. When I thought about asking her out, like on a real date; my past came back to haunt me.

So instead I just treated her like any other female, like something to eat. I was incapable of loving a woman, other than Esme, I realized at a young age the control they can hold over a man. I didn't want that ever, not after I had experienced it and lost it. The pain would be unmerciful, I couldn't bear the thought.

My next class was English, it was required for my "degree" and I hate English. The professor was an imbecile in my book, but he knew his stuff when it came to literature; I'll give him that much. That was the end of my schedule, tomorrow would be one extra class that I had twice a week, intro into sociology, another required class.

I had two hours to kill and after 20 minutes of sitting in the car I grew restless. I started the car and drove down to the closest beach which was La Jolla. I found a look out and stood leaning against the edge, feeling the wind against my face for some time. I was the only one there and it felt good.

The moment Bella popped into my mind my whole demeanor changed. I was mad, I hated that my memory of her lingered, what was it about her? I knew what it was, I loved Bella, and I know she felt some kind of connection between us because she let her guard down for me.

The fact that she threw it all away was the part that made me hate her, made me the womanizer type just like Emmett. I would never settle down because nothing would compare to what I have experienced. Nothing would compare to the amount of pain I feel when I wake up and she isn't there next to me.

I yelled at the top of my lungs because it felt good to release the pent up aggression that was poisoning my soul. The therapists' were right, it was such a relief.

1:45 rolled around and I made my way back to the campus and arrived just in time to see Emmett scratching his head, standing in the front of the spot that we were parked in that now held a Mazda Miata.

I honked when I pulled up beside him and he jumped because he hadn't noticed my arrival.

"What the fuck man, not cool," he reprimanded when he opened the door. I just laughed and pointed because it was hilarious. "Where were you?"

"Just driving around, I had two hours to kill."

Jasper showed up at exactly 2:15 and we started the drive home. Traffic was a real bitch but we saw something that we all only thought happened in movies.

We were bumper to bumper moving at about three miles an hour if we were lucky. We had the windows down and the custom stereo turned up listing to slip knot. Not my cup of tea but it made the time pass quicker, or so it seemed.

We all heard it, as soon as the song was switching and we turned, all looking in the same direction. As soon as we did a motorcycle, a street bike, flew by our window; inches away from the side mirror.

"Holy shit dude, did you guys see that?" Jasper didn't use foul language often but this was the perfect time for it.

"Fuck yeah, that was sick," I replied. I was getting a motorcycle. Emmett and Jasper were going to get used cars because I was 100% getting a motorcycle. We saw three more do the same thing until we got off the freeway and took the road that led to our condo…on the beach.

Intro into Sociology was a bitch, the whole class time, which was two hours, was strictly lecture. I hate taking notes but I did. I was good at three things, which I have mentioned in the past; school—my future, piano—my passion and women—my pleasure. SPW, that's the order of my priorities, has been my whole life.

Thursday we talked about the vehicle situation, Emmett and Jasper agreed but I didn't inform them what I planned on purchasing. We went to a few dealers and Emmett found what he was looking for, a 2004 Jeep Rubicon; $12,000 bucks down.

Jasper found what he wanted which was a gay man's car if you ask me, 1995 Camaro Z28; $10,000 more down which left me with $8,000 to work with. That would be plenty to get what I'm looking for.

On Friday after we got home I jumped on the computer and navigated to craigslist. I looked up motorcycles and found a 2004 Kawasaki ZX-10R for $7,500. Jasper took me to get it in the gay man's car and he flipped when he saw what I was looking at.

"You are not getting a motorcycle Edward, it's dangerous. The percent of motorcycle accidents double when you're under twenty-five."

"Jasper, stop being such a pansy, I won't do anything stupid; I just want one." I got out of the car and in the end, drove away on my new bike.

The shifting took some getting used to but by the time we turned on our street I had it down. Emmett came out when he heard us pull up and he looked just as stunned as Jasper was.

"Wicked dude, damn I should have gotten one of these," he boomed after he took it for a spin around the block.

"I have to get a motorcycle license," I informed him, "The guy I bought it from said they aren't hard to get." I had no idea.

"Really, wow, California's no joke. Go Arnold," he bellowed in his best Swartzenager impression.

Jasper made flyers for our party Saturday night, hopefully running over to Sunday morning at the least. He even made his way to the LAU campus and hung some up around there. Emmett and I had the responsibility of finding someone to buy the kegger and the rest of the drinks we would need. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't hard to do.

Homeless people will do just about anything for some dough, "You're going to get drugs with this aren't you?" I asked him before I handed over the bill; twenty as promised.

"No, no I'm getting food," he said and he sounded sincere, but what hobo doesn't?

"You don't have to lie to us we don't care," Emmett said as he handed over the bag full of goodies and loaded the kegs, three to be exact, into the back of his Jeep.

He shrugged and accepted the money before turning and walking right back into the liquor store.

"Fucking bums, don't they know everyone see's through them?" I mentioned as we pulled away. "They're delusional if they think otherwise."

Saturday rolled around and Jasper listed the time for the party as 5pm. People started showing up at 3pm. Some we knew or recognized from school but most of the faces were foreign to us. The house was off limits, only for VIP I guess you could call it. People we choose to come in, others were left to the patio and the beach; which worked out perfectly.

There were people from LAU, we knew by their college sweaters and some of the guys wore hats. They made a 40 minute drive to come to our party and we were bound and determined to show them a good time.

Emmett turned the tunes up on our oversized stereo system and the party began like that was the cue. Jasper was having a conversation with a cute little petite girl that looked as if he was talking about the most interesting thing in the world. In reality though, he was probably talking about the fucking weather. Marie had totally fucked him up more than he was willing to admit.

I walked across the crowded patio and down the stairs to the beach, grabbing a pint of Jack on the way. When I sat on the edge of the water I heard footsteps coming up behind me.

"Is this seat taken," a feminine voice came from above me. I looked up to see a fairly decent looking woman, maybe a little older than me. That's an added bonus, I thought to myself.

"No please, by all means." She sat down daintily with her legs twisted under her and the wind blew in her chocolate brown hair. Chocolate; I hate chocolate.

"What's your name?" She asked and this was my favorite part of any introduction. When I say my name, my new name, it always rolls right off my tongue; nothing like Masen.

"Edward, Edward Cullen." She bit her bottom lip and it instantly threw me down memory lane. "Chocolate brown eyes," I said.

"Oh, my eyes are hazel," she said assuming I was talking to her.

I regained my composure and replied. "Forgive me," in the best way I could to convey normalcy. "Your name is?"

"Heather, Heather Jackson," she held her hand out for me and I took it in mine. She was soft, I hadn't touched a woman in a while, the feel of it ignited something inside me and I went with it.

* * *

_**OMG I am so stoked to get this updating started...Its not complete yet on my end but it's very close. **_

_**I kept telling myself I would not post until it was complete for editing purposes but I just can't hold out any longer. I miss you guys and I want to share this new story with all of you. So please, if you have an account and you're reading, please add to your favs or alerts so you won't miss any updates. **_

_**If you don't want to do that, check on Wednesdays and Saturdays (Saturdays are a sure thing) for updates. **_

_**I am looking forward to your take on these versions of Edward and Bella, they aren't too out of character but they are a little. So please don't be shy, you know I love those reviews and of course they always make my day. Thank you soo mucho much to Scrimmy for Beta'ing for me and giving me pointers and what not. You totally kick butt.**_

_**So there it is...**_

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	4. Can't Hardly Wait

**Can't Hardly Wait**

**_BPOV_**

The first week of school was hell; the first day was the worst. I got lost numerous times and was late to all three of my classes because of it. My instructors understood, but everyone still stared when I entered each room. High school all over again.

"How was your day?" Alice asked when she joined me in the car Thursday afternoon.

"Easier than the first three, how was yours?"

"It was great actually, we start color coordination beginning of next week and I've already been doing that for years; it should be a piece of cake." Her eyes shot to mine and she made an 'O' face, "Wait I don't really like cake," we both laughed because it was funny.

"What's so funny?" Rose inquired when she opened the door and slung her bag into the backseat before climbing in herself.

"Oh, it's one of those '_had to of been there_' kind of things," I said holding back a giggle.

"Okay…ask me what we're doing Saturday night," oh this was going to be good; _heavy sarcasm_.

Alice looked over her shoulder at Rose who was sitting right behind her, "What are _you_ doing this Saturday night?"

"_We_ are going to a party on the beach in San Diego," she squealed.

"Is that the party with the flyers hanging all over campus?" I asked, "The one with the keg and a ton of people?"

"One in the same," she revealed one of the flyers she'd grabbed and we all read over it.

"Count me out," I replied as I drove out of the school parking lot. "Standing around watching a bunch of people I do not know does not sound like a good time."

"Bells, come on you have to go…we can't go without you," Rose pleaded in my ear.

"Why not, you're young adults, you can make your own choices," I replied a bit smartass-ish.

"We don't want to go without you," Alice agreed.

"Well you are going without me because I'm not budging." They both harrumphed and continued to talk about the party until we got home.

The day came and Alice was up getting ready by noon with Rose. Alice had delved through my closet last night looking for something that was beach appropriate that also said _I have class_. Why she was looking in my closet was a mystery but she actually found what she was looking for.

We didn't share a lot of things, but clothes were one of the exceptions. Being Alice's sister meant I had to have a sense of style; if not she would have one for me. She may be small and pixie like but she packs a mean bark.

They spent hours upon hours preparing for this party and left an hour before it started. "Don't get in that car if you drink, do you hear me?"

"Yes _mom_, we'll be back, don't worry about us," Rose replied before getting into the driver's seat. I waved them off and went back into the house to do some online research for Sociology. Ridiculous that it would be a requisite for music studies but it is and it's one of my first quarter classes. Luckily I took intro into Sociology in high school so I was able to skip ahead to Soc. 2.

I fell asleep sometime between 11 and 12 and was startled awake with my laptop still on my lap when the girls walked in through the door.

"How did it go?" I asked sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

"You totally missed out; we both met a guy tonight. Oh my god," Rose fanned her hand in front of her face.

"And they're brothers," Alice squealed, jumping in place.

"Seems I missed out on an eventful night," not that I was disappointed in that.

"And, they have another brother, you should totally meet him."

"Yeah, we could totally make it a brother-sister-fuck-fest," Rose said fervently.

"No thanks," I quickly changed the subject. "What time is it?" My eyes wouldn't focus on the clock; it was just a red splotchy mess.

"It's 5am and I'm going to sleep," Alice started indolently to her room.

"I'm right there with you," Rose followed.

"Night," I called after them by the time they reach the hall.

"Night Bells, we'll fill you in later."

Love didn't make me sick, I actually still believe in love and fate and soul mates. I just don't think I'll ever experience it; I think I did and lost my own chance at love and happiness.

When Alice and Rose told me about the two guys they met at the party I was thrilled for them. I'd never heard them talk about guys as much and with such enthusiasm.

"Bella, I wish you could have seen him, mmm," Rose moaned over her cup of coffee, "He was gorgeous; a real thick piece of man. He seemed sweet underneath and I just want to unbury him and keep him all to myself."

I just laughed, "And you Alice, was your guy a real thick piece of man?" I quoted Rose.

"Oh god no, but he was really nice to look at and to talk to; he was really insightful and smart." Rose snorted, "Whatever Rose, at least my guy has a brain. Who needs brawn?"

"So do we know these guys names?" I asked, curious if they really did.

"Oh, um," Rose looked guilty.

"Well…" Alice added.

"You don't know their names, are you serious? Did you sleep with them?" I was shocked, who doesn't get names?

"We did not sleep with anyone Bella," Alice defended them, but Rose didn't say anything.

We both looked at her and knew the answer to my question.

"Well Rose," I pushed, "Spill."

"Okay, I slept with him, it's not like it's a crime," she threw her pillow at me because my mouth was agape.

"Rosalie Swan how could you," Alice gasped.

"How could I not, you should have seen him Bella. No way I could resist that."

"He's going to think you're such a whore," Alice teased.

"Good," Rose smirked, "Maybe we can hook up again."

Because they didn't get names and they couldn't find the house, we spent the next six months trying to run into them. I didn't know who I was looking for, so I wasn't much help but I did go along when I didn't need to study; which wasn't often.

It was now the middle of our first year and Rose had a ballet dinner to attend. She invited Alice and I and we both accepted. I hadn't gone out and done anything for myself since we got to LA so I was thrilled to go out, "But I refuse to dance," I told Rose when she asked me to go.

"Fine, you don't have to, but you have to mingle, no sitting alone and looking miserable." Since I can remember that has always been her stipulation and why she thinks I would do it now is beyond me.

"Yeah, yeah…Alice," I yelled. She was my makeup artist, dressing expert and accessory extraordinaire. "Help," I added.

After two long hours and three broken bobby pins later, we were ready. The place was packed when we got there and we had to sit and wait for valet parking forever . When we finally got through that we entered the ball room and it was awe inspiring.

The ceiling was tall, held up by wooden arches every few feet. The long wall had six large windows side by side with long floor length curtains that were tied at the side with white lace underneath them. The tables were lined with white table cloths and purple flowers complemented them placed in the middle. Three large chandlers hung from the ceiling, all in a row and each one lit up brilliantly.

There was a grand piano on a stage where I assumed someone would be playing. I didn't see Rose and Alice much as they were okay in big crowds; something I would have to get over for my profession.

I eventually made my way to the balcony and the view was better than anything inside. The air was nice, warm and soothing against my skin. I heard a melody floating out to me as it started to play from inside. It hit deep and made my breathing hitch when I heard the full effect of it. It was like feeling my past all over again.

I stood still as stone as that same feeling came over me, the one from the airport, and a tear ran down my cheek. Unable to move because of the impact the song had on me, I stayed planted where I was. When it ended I hesitated but managed to move my feet to get a glimpse of the person who could play like that.

The piano bench was empty.

**_EPOV_**

Heather was a mistake, clingy and narotic would be the two words I would use to describe her. She called non-stop, always wanting to come over. Eventually she just started showing up on our doorstep like a lost puppy. I had to be blunt with her and tell her how it was.

"It was just a fuck," Id said to her face, standing in front of our condo on the lawn.

"But you said you cared about me." I knew, really I should feel bad about causing the tears that trickled down her cheeks but I just didn't feel anything. She left with a broken heart and with every broken heart, mine felt a little more repaired. If I have to be miserable so does everyone else. What makes them so deserving over myself?

*****************

Middle of the year; I have had it up to here with their bickering and whining. Ever sense the party Emmett and Jasper both have been talking nonstop about these two girls they met. Six months later and they still haven't run into them. All we know was that they're sisters, adopted like us. I know this because Emmett always says how they were meant to be because their lives are so parallel. I told him he was delusional, love doesn't work like that.

Love is just a more romantic term for agreement. Marriage: Agree to see only each other, which is a breakable agreement because it's so easy to get away with. Agree to do your share of the duties, repairs, dinners, paying bills etc. It's an endless list of agreements; Love doesn't really exist.

"Trust me bro, you'll make a few bucks extra cash and people will get to hear your magic fingers, it's a win win situation." Emmett booked me a gig at a ball room in LA; some LAU ballet gathering or some shit.

I turned to walk away from him and gather myself before I had to go and perform for a bunch of brown nosing rich bitches. "That's cool and all but I don't need you booking shit for me, I'm a big boy Em, I can take care of myself."

Emmett took what I said all wrong, which only further aggravated me, "I was helping you out," he was offensive, "Learn how to accept a gift and say thank you, prick."

"Thanks, Em, thanks a lot," I didn't want to do this but it was already set in stone and there was no turning back now.

"You're welcome."

"I meant that hypothetically dip shit," I told him and he just shrugged. "Thanks for the short notice too…I appreciate it."

*******************

I was going nuts over the feeling that washes through me every so often. The first time at the airport—twice—then at the beach and now, tonight at the ballet gathering for LAU.

The entire time I was there, electricity was running through my veins, I felt alive. The song flowed out of my soul and it played beautifully in the air around me; I'd never played it with so much…passion.

I wanted to find out where it was coming from, was it something within myself? Was it something influential around me in those moments? If so, what the fuck was it?

I didn't wait around to find out, all the people in the ball room were stuck up prissy bitches, definitely not my scene. I hoped on my ZX-10 and got out of there the moment my performance was over. I had 300 bucks in my pocket and I knew just where I was going to spend it.

I walked into the shop on the corner of North La Brea and Fountain Avenue. I'd met a woman named Kat at a Motley Crüe concert a few weeks ago and she told me about her shop. There were sketches all over the walls to give ideas of what you would want. I had no idea, but I wanted something to represent my past full of sorrow and my future full of possibilities. I told that to the guy with ear gauges the size of my fist standing behind the counter. He showed me a few things that previous customers had chosen but I wanted something original, something personal only I would know the meaning of it.

When Kat arrived I told her and she helped me come up with something I was happy with. It was a Letter B with wings and fire creeping up it in all directions. Sounds gory I know, but the B stands for her, yes I'm getting her initial on me because she is everything that was my past. The wings represent her flee, and the fire represents me taking charge of my life and not letting her run it any longer. It was also my way of forgiving her, because if I could just forgive her for breaking my heart maybe, just maybe I could love again. The tattoo would stand as a constant reminder.  
150 bucks later and the tattoo on the upper right side of my chest, I walked out with my first tattoo. I was more than thrilled about it, and hopeful that the dreams would start to desist. All I want to do is forget about her, not completely because she is a big part of my past, but I would like to not be reminded of the way she smiled, or her laugh or the way she looked at me like I was the most important person in her world.

That, I could definitely live without.

*****************

I was riding down the street on my ZX-10 when another bike flew past me. I sped up to see what the rush was about and it ended with me following the guy to some spot where they were riding. It was a track of some kind, I wasn't sure if it was free to the public or not but I was definitely going to do a lap or two if it was.

"Hey," the guy on the bike spoke to me after his helmet was removed. "I haven't seen you around these parts. What's your name?"

"Edward, Edward Cullen," I extended my hand and he shook it firmly.

"Good to meet you man, you been riding long?" He hopped off his bike and rested his helmet on the back of it.

"No, I got the bike a little over 6 months ago. What about you?"

"I've been riding since I was around six, it's the "it thing" in my family," he laughed.

"Do you come here often?" I had to speak loud because two cars roared to life and screamed down the track at full throttle.

"Yeah, every Wednesday and Saturday night," he hollered when the white Honda Civic hatchback smoked the black Volkswagen Golf. "You're free to come join us whenever you like. It's usually just a bunch of us from LAU." Why was there always something about LAU, everyday LAU, LAU, LAU. It was very tiresome.

* * *

Graduation year had gone by in the blink of an eye. My studies were over, Emmett was going off to train for the San Diego Chargers and Jasper still had a year to go. Best believe we had a party planned.

"Do you think by hanging the flyers up in the same spot as last time it will give us a better chance of finding the girls?" Jasper asked Emmett as we waited for guests to arrive.

"You're really talking about them aren't you, give it a rest, you'll probably never see them again." I hated to be the sour puss of the group but love was like a myth; led you to believe it was real but then you do the research and hard work only to find out that it's all a lie.

"Dude, just because the girl of your dreams didn't come back doesn't mean ours won't. You're such a downer man," Emmett said in a tone I did not find amusing.

"Who the fuck said anything about that? Why the fuck do you have to bring her up, she has nothing to do with the fact that you'll never see them again." I was pissed and hurt and ready to get the fuck out of there. My lid had been flipped and I was ready to go ape shit on the next mother fucker that crossed me, my brothers included.

Instead I decided to be the bigger man and handle this with professionalism and calm. "Fuck you both," I said calmly and seriously. "I hope you have awesome lives filled with kiss my ass and eat dick." I grabbed my luggage that I planned on taking with me to the airport a few hours from now and I was out the door without looking back.

Who the fuck needs them, I thought. Who the fuck, were they to me really anyways? Only by a piece of paper were we really brothers. I should have been on my own a long time ago; they have just been weighing me down.

I hopped onto my bike and headed west down my street. I got that feeling for hopefully the last time as a Honda Accord sped past me and stopped at my house, or should I say Emmett and Jasper's place. I wanted to go back, something in my gut told me I should, but I didn't. I was ready to give up the addiction as well as the family I thought I had. I was leaving everything in my past and starting fresh. I was going to Portland Oregon, the music capital of the West Coast.

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**_I know it's short but the chapters won't all be 6000+ words. This one is only like 3000, but it has some good stuff in it. _**

**_Some reviewers have asked if the girl on the beach was Bella, now you know it wasn't. She stayed at home while Alice and Rose attended the party. They don't meet for a few more chapters and I'm not going to say which one it is because that will ruin the surprise. So hopefully you all can hang on until then, it will be worth it I promise._**

**_Thank you to Scrimmy for beta'ing...you are awesome.._**

**_Sorry for the short A/N, I can't really think of anything else to mention at this point so I'll just leave it at that for now. I have a crap ton of homework to do so I'll be getting to that finally. Thank you to those of you that have commented, I'm glad to hear you're liking it and I also love to hear your fav parts._**

**_Thanks y'all, have a good week...._**

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	5. What Dreams May Come

**What Dreams May Come**

**_BPOV_**

School had been hectic and I was thrilled I'd made it through the first year without trouble. I was worried about Rose and Alice more than I was worried about myself. They had been searching for the two guys they'd met over a year ago, they were obsessed beyond words. I tried to tell them on multiple occasions that it was pointless, if they were the ones, like they were so sure of then they would run into each other again. Fate works in mysterious ways, it will always find you.

I was sitting in the car waiting for Alice and Rose to show up so we could go home. It was Friday and we had the weekend to study for finals. Wednesday next week was the last day and then we were going back to Forks for a week. I actually couldn't wait.

"Oh my god," I heard Rose before she opened the door, "Bella look, look, look." She was pointing rapidly at a piece of paper in her hand. "You were right, and so were we."

"Right about what?" I asked as she handed me the paper.

"About fate and about the guys…They're having another party." I read the first line on the paper and knew exactly what she was talking about; that was as far as I needed to go.

"You're really going to go to this, the weekend of finals?" I hated being the motherly type of the group but someone had to keep us on track.

"Are you crazy, I'm not messing with fate," she defended. "You're the one who said it not me," she mentally put her hands on her hips.

"I don't want to hear you complaining when you get a poor grade," I scolded her. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

"Oh I'm not going alone; you and Alice are going with me."

"Ha, I am not going anywhere except to my chair with my laptop sitting on my lap." She'd lost her damn mind if she thought I was going to do anything else but study this weekend.

"Oh you _are_ going, this is a graduation party Bella," she whined.

"No, absolutely not," Alice opened the door then, holding the same sheet of paper in her hand that Rose had. She screamed as soon as she shut the door behind her, her hands balled in fists as she threw a little mini fit over it.

"I can't believe it, they put "_Two girls from LAU_", they totally mean us," Alice celebrated.

"Eee," Rose joined her. I started to drive home; there was no way I was going to agree to this. I have finals to study for, tests to stress about and sleep to try and catch up on.

*****************

Driving to the condo was a pain, there were too many people on I5; all six lanes going 20 mph. We took the diamond lane (or HOV lane or carpool lane) when we could but it only got us so far.

"I think this is the street," Alice sang from the back seat. We were lost and this was the third time she'd said it.

"Alice, unless you _know_ what you're talking about, please shut up." I wasn't happy about being dragged to this thing in the first place so us getting lost was just icing on the cake.

"Turn here." We came up on a skinny road that led us closer to the beach. Just as I was rounding the corner one headlight was coming towards us. In the same moment the feeling came over me that I feel sometimes and I swerved from the impact of it.

"Bella!" Rose called with worry. "Are you okay?" I looked ahead of me to see the one headlight morph into a dark motorcycle, like something off the syfy channel, and the rider looked in my direction but I couldn't see his face through the dark helmet.

"I'm fine," I replied when I found my breath. "I'm fine; something just…something came over me." I shook my head trying to bring my mind back to earth. It was spinning and revolving around the feeling that, now, only lingered.

"You almost hit that motorcycle," Rose exclaimed.

"No I didn't, he was way ahead of me."

"Just watch where you're going Bella, jeez, we haven't even had anything to drink yet and we're already getting into _almost_ car accidents," Alice interrupted.

"I'm not going to drink and I didn't almost get into a car accident. He was visibly ahead of me and I corrected my overturn before he was within five feet from us. I know what I'm doing," I hate when anyone talks about my driving negatively. I know I'm a good driver so don't put me down.

I know my sisters weren't saying it to be mean in anyway but I just have a soft spot for driving.

"Right there; that's the house, right there." Alice was bouncing in the back seat up until I stopped and parked the car a block down. Rose and Alice both checked themselves in the rearview mirror and visor mirrors by the time I was out of the car with my arms crossed and waiting.

"Okay we're good," Rose said as they both exited the car. "You ready Bells?" She asked sarcastically.

"Oh, I'm fine, as long as _you're_ ready." I ushered her to walk and I would follow. I hated when she was in these moods; like she was better than me or she felt that I thought I was better than her. We have always had these little tiffs because we aren't as close as Alice and I are. We always made up though.

"We won't be here long. I just want to get his name and number and hang out for a minute. Obviously he'll give it up if he's bold enough to ask for us on the flyer," she basically apologized in her roundabout way, resting her arm around my shoulders.

We reached the door and walked right in, you could hear the banter and chatter through the walls; there were that many people. I knew when they had spotted their guys because their eyes lit up and a smile unconsciously crossed their faces.

"So," I pushed after they were silent for what seemed like minutes.

"They're over there," Alice pointed and I saw two guys surrounded by a group of girls sitting on the ledge to their deck.

"Are we just going to stand here all night?"

Rose didn't say anything; she just started forward with Alice at her flanks. I followed a little further away; I only wanted to make sure they kept their end of the bargain.

**************

We didn't go home empty handed, actually, it was quite the opposite of that. Emmett, who was apparently pinning over Rose since the beginning of the year and Jasper, whom is head over heels for Alice, gave them both their phone numbers. They made plans to meet up after finals and Alice and Rose gave them their numbers too.

All in all a very good night.

On top of all of that, I actually got them to leave by midnight like they'd promised. Now I was going to sleep and hopefully going to get caught up, then it was straight studying tomorrow. I have a test on Monday and a test on Wednesday, then it's off to Forks after Alice and Rose's dates; same night same place.

They did have another brother; that was just unthinkable.

I let my mind wander on that, because they did have a third brother and by coincidence his name is Edward. My mind wandered even further and as I drifted off…their brother Edward was my Edward.

_No, not my Edward_…Edward from my past.

**************

"I think you have gone nuts, are you really going to do this?" Rose was such a worry wart sometimes.

"No, I haven't and, yes." I had made one or two friends at LAU and one of them like to drive fast cars. I'm not just talking about your run of the mill muscle car or tuned up Honda. I'm talking about track cars.

You take your everyday muscle/tuner car, add a roll cage, racing harnesses, turbo or a vtec head, take out any and all insulation to guarantee lightest weight and you got yourself a track car. The LA runway wasn't far from the LAU campus and I finally decided I was going to give it a shot. I love to drive, I like to drive fast and I don't like to get tickets; what better way than on a track?

"You have a roll cage Bella, that doesn't mean anything to you?" She waited impatiently for my response and I guess I wasn't fast enough for her. "Or are you some kind of adrenaline junkie now?"

"It means that if the car was to flip and it decides to bounce around a few times, I'll be safe and snug against the seat by the racing harness. The car won't cave in around me because of the roll cage."

"That is the stupidest thing I've heard come out of your mouth," she scolded.

"Well, I don't know what to tell ya, it is what it is, and I am going to do it." I positioned my hands on the steering wheel and concentrated on the lights to the side of me. As soon as it was green my foot is going to the floor.

"_All persons and personnel off the race way_," the announcer stated over the loud speaker.

"I hope you don't kill yourself Bella, Charlie and Renee will be pissed." Rose stalked off and Emmett followed close behind her.

"I think she'll be fine," I heard him reassuring her.

"_Driver ready_," the announcer called and I put my thumb up through the windshield. The light that was red disappeared and a yellow one took its place right below it and then another. The last light turned green and I slammed my foot over the accelerator. I purposefully let the tires spin for a second and then I was off.

The car bucked forward as the rear wheels caught traction. I had to correct myself a few times from over turning but moments later I was straight again. The speedometer needle inched passed 80 when I shifted into third gear and the rush was amazing. The first turn came and I went around it at 90 mph. Once I hit the straight away I shifted into fourth at 100 mph. The second and last turn on the course came and I didn't have to decelerate to take it with ease.

The car I was driving was a 2001 Acura Integra, black with leather racing seats, completely tracked out with the vtec head to prove it. It does 0 to 80 in seven seconds and it's lowered to four inches off the ground allowing better control around corners. It's been modified to rear wheel drive for better handling while drifting. Drifting wasn't really my forte, but the car was nice…and fast.

By the time my turn was up I had done 145 mph on the straight away, it was such a thrill to go that fast, it was more than a stress reliever like I intended it to be. Way more effective than yelling at the top of my lungs.

"Whoo Bella; that was off the hook girl…you got cohunes," Emmett's booming laugh could be heard all the way across the track. "Bella Balls," he called.

I climbed out of the window and saw the 100's of people watching me. It was nerve wracking but I wasn't there to impress anyone, I was only there to relieve some aggression. This was a defining moment for me; I was getting better at this whole people thing.

Eric, the owner of the Acura and my friend from school, met me on the track and offered me a high five. "I didn't expect it," he teased, "145 mph. You do have balls Bella," he agreed with Emmett.

"Well, I said I liked fast cars and I wasn't lying." We made our way across the track to where Rose, Alice, Emmett and Jasper were seated.

******

After the graduation party Rose and Alice had given the boys their phone numbers and vice versa. Every day since they have talked to each other; the guys come out to our place a lot, claiming it's boring at home without their other brother there. I think Alice or Rose or both said something to them about my problem with the name Edward because they never bring him up. They don't have any pictures in their house, not even of each other, so I never got to see what he looked like.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to know if it were him. I wouldn't go out of my way to see him if I knew where he was, but if I ran into him randomly I would ask him all the questions I've wanted answers to for over seven years.

"I have to give it to you Bella," Jasper commented before anyone else, "You have pretty amazing driving skills."

"I knew she could do it," Alice added and I smiled in her direction. She always believed in me, from day negative one when she set up my room in the Swan house. I could never thank her enough for that.

"Yeah, yeah, you're lucky you aren't dead," Rose scolded again. There were a number of reasons behind why Rose was being so ill towards me. The fact that I'm always miserable when they're happy or the fact that graduation is coming up and we'll be leaving sunny California and Emmett will be staying in San Diego to play for the Chargers. Maybe even the fact that we were moving to Seattle and the fact that I'm always miserable was making her angry at herself and she was taking it out on me because I'm already unhappy.

I've come to the terms that I will probably always be minimally happy with my life. When something so catastrophic happens in one's life it sometimes alters it irrevocably; such as my situation. I will forever be broken, never to be mended because there is only one person that can mend it and I have no idea where that person is. Seven years is a long time, he could be anywhere; the worlds the limit. The couple that adopted him was well off, they could literally be anywhere.

"Bella, Bella, did you hear me?" Emmett tapped my shoulder bringing me back to the present.

"What…no I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I said," heavy sarcasm," Want to race back to your place?"

"What in your Jeep? I'll smoke you in our Accord," I laughed and rolled my eyes before handing Eric the helmet. "Thank you, that was such a blast."

"Anytime, just give me a call. Oh," he was headed back to his car but stopped mid step. "We meet here every Wednesday and Friday night so come by any time."

"I will, thanks again," I turned back to see Alice giggling, "What?" I asked.

"Bella and Eric sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g." They all had a good laugh on my expense.

"No, Alice and Jasper sitting in a tree," I mocked her and she kissed him causing me to stop reciting it. "God…get a room you two."

**_EPOV_**

Portland Oregon, one of the most beautiful cities at night. The buildings were tall, every last one of them in down town were light up every night. The city was full of people, some not so fortunate people, and some such as myself: Fortunate.

Carlisle put me up in this apartment overlooking the Willamette River; not that it was a great site to see but a lot of people would die to see it every time they looked out their window. He also hooked my up with a friend of his who had his hand in all the music derived clubs and the Convention Center along with the Rose Garden. He offered me a job at the CC preparing sets for the local music.

Every Saturday night was open mic; any Joe Blow off the streets had a chance to woo the good people of Portland. Mostly rappers and wanabes showed up, but it still caused quite the raucous. They all had their regular fans show up and some even had merchandise, which we sold for them for a small fee.

_Journal Entry 222: August 27, 2006_

_I never saw my life as being what I am, I didn't go to college and get a degree for this shit but everyone had to start somewhere and the CC is it for me._

_The job is hectic and fucking nerve wracking but it always seems to keep my mind off of other things like the whole of my misery._

_Seven fucking years and I still see her face when I close my eyes, seven ridiculous long agonizing years and I am still burdened by the dreams every night. _

_I am convinced they will never end; I even told my colleague Laurent about them._

If you have ever seen a Jamaican guy with dreads then you've seen Laurent. Funny guy, he lightened my mood most of the time, which was very convenient considering I have a façade to uphold.

"Maybe you should see a specialist about it," he suggested.

"I have and it only helped me to stop thinking about her all the time; it did nothing for the dreams."

"That's the breaks man; she must have made some kind of impact on you." We were preparing the set for tonight and he was climbing up the ladder to mess with the wiring to the curtain, it wasn't opening properly on both ends.

"Yeah, she ruined women for me, I can't look at them the same. They're just pawns to me, like women are only there to confuse me, to tempt me and make it hard for me to concentrate on what's important." For some reason Laurent was easy to talk to, he always had real insightful advice and he was older, around 30. Here I am barely 20.

"And to repopulate, don't forget that," he added in his comical demeanor.

"Oh yeah, who can forget that," my mind was aloof, no more thought of Bella and my past, only the present and the future.

My future started three days from then, the CEO of the Rose Garden stadium came by and asked me to meet with him and discuss possible employment. I wasn't sure what I was interviewing for and I didn't much care. Getting my foot in the door was what was important.

*****************

"Hello, I'm here to see Charles Jones," I told the receptionist when I entered the main office downtown. It was a tall building, just like the others but it was across from a little park that reminded me of the park me and Bella used to go to. It was more of a lake but the park setting looked identical.

"He's in a meeting right now but I'll bring it to his attention that you've arrived." She smiled at me; she was cute and I didn't even have to think about giving her my crooked grin because it was already plastered on my face. Just my smile caused so many adoring glances and even some stares. This little secretary behind her desk was probably mentally begging me to ask her for her number. If this wasn't a job interview I would have.

"Mr. Cullen, Mr. Jones will see you now," the receptionist called from her post.

"Thank you," I continued on through the door she was holding open and she closed it behind me. The man at the desk wasn't the man that came and saw me two days prior, this man was older, in his 80s maybe. He wore a pin striped suit and his hair was combed over. He looked very fit for his age, probably the type that runs every morning and has, for years.

"Edward, please take a seat, make yourself at home. I'll only be a minute longer." I sat in a chair opposing him and admired his office; it was nice with a dark cherry wood theme. There was a little mini bar in one corner of his office and pictures littered his desk. I assumed they were of his family. It was so surreal I felt like I was on top of the world.

"Forgive me," he startled me and I jumped. He stood up just before I followed suit and we shook hands. "I hear you're doing wondrous things over there at the convention center? Tell me about it."

"Well um," I didn't know what I did made that much of a difference, "I ah, make sure the talent is synched, set up the props and make sure everything is in working order. I have a few people that help but I do most of the preparation for the event. I also, this isn't part of my job title; I make sure the talent has entertainment while they're in town if they're from out of town and I check up on them and make sure they're taken care of."

"And it says here you have a degree in music management and you're fluent on the piano. It also says that you're outgoing and a smooth talker when it comes to the _ladies_. You have a way with people that's hard to find and that you would make an outstanding music director. Is all of that true and do you agree with it?"

"It is, but," I was a little thrown back at the type of information he had on me. "How did you get your information?"

"Someone recommended you for the job, a very reliable source, and gave me what they had on you. Do you disagree with what they say?"

"No, not at all, I'm just surprised. Yes, I have all of those qualities and I am good with the _ladies_," I chuckled nervously, "People tend to migrate toward me so yeah, I guess I am good with people."

"Would you like to work for me Edward? Your salary will be substantial and we have all accommodations available to you if there is anything you need." He was actually giving me the option to turn down the job of a lifetime.

"I'm a little shocked; yes I would very much appreciate the opportunity."

"Pleasures all mine; when can you start?" he was inputting information into his computer but continued with his questioning.

"I have to give notice to the convention center; I can let you know by tomorrow afternoon?" it was more a question than a request.

"Don't worry about that, they won't mind. I'll call them here in a few minutes and notify them of your transfer. You're in good hands son." He stayed on his computer, his eyes fixeated on whatever was across his screen. "I have some things to do, come see me tomorrow around 12 and we can discuss this further."

"Thank you Mr. Jones, I won't let you down." I shook his hand as firmly as I could because on the inside I was shaking. This was the job I had wanted since I moved here. A year was all it took, and an anonymous recommendation. I was pretty sure I knew who it was and a much needed long awaited thank you was in order.

Once I got to my apartment I dialed his number, knew it by heart but never told him that.

_Journal Entry 303: September 22, 2007 _

_I always put off that I hated him but in reality, he was the one person I truly held any respect for, well him and Esme. _

_They took me in even when I fought them; they saw something in me when no one else did. _

_I had all the reasons in the world to be nice to them but I never was. _

_They sent me back to Forks to find her, even when there was a chance I would not return; they trusted me. _

_They took care of me for the remainder of my adolescence and put me through college, with very little help from the state. _

_Carlisle put me up in this apartment rent free until I got the job that would suffice._

_They both wanted what was best for me and that's why I had to show my appreciation for once. _

I called Carlisle after arriving home; he was thrilled to hear from me on a personal note instead of business. I got a little emotional as I told him thank you, not just for the recommendation but for everything. For being the best father to me and my brothers when he didn't have to be, for being the man I look up to and being the man I want to become. He actually cried and I shed a tear myself. He made me promise to come home for Christmas this year and I agreed. I couldn't wait to see them now; now that I saw what I've been missing has been right under my nose.

* * *

I watched every game Emmett had at a little sports bar and grill down the street. Even before I turned 21, which I am now 22, they let me watch it without serving me any alcohol.

The game that got them the chance at the Super Bowl was a memorable one in more than just that way. That's the day I found out about Jasper's engagement to Alice. I hated him, I was happy for him but I hated the happiness he had over my own. I would never feel that for anyone, not again, it hurts too much when it ends badly. I couldn't fucking fathom the pain of going through that a second time.

I got the time off to go, I was spending three nights in Tampa Bay, which was where the Super Bowl was being held this year. I was excited to see my brothers and my parents again, I still hadn't seen them since the last Christmas I went home a year ago.

The plane ride was torturous; they played "A Walk to Remember" and I felt pity for the leading male character. He loved Mandy Moore's character, even married her in the church that her parents did a year before she died from cancer. He was a fool, love does not conquer all.

I met my family at the hotel we were all staying at and the déjà vu feeling that came over me sent me off balance and I almost ran into a guy with my luggage cart.

"Oh, excuse me, sorry about that," I apologized when I realized I'd hit him in the ankle.

"No problem man, you here for the Super Bowl?" he asked.

"Yeah, I have a family member on one of the teams," I repositioned my bags so they wouldn't end up on the floor. Louis Vuitton isn't something to mess around with. Present two Christmas's ago when Carlisle and Esme thought I needed better luggage.

"So does my girlfriend, pretty cool." He was a nerdy looking fellow, but seemed decent enough. I checked in and the feeling I haven't felt since I left San Diego hit me three times before I reached my room.

I tried to think of any connections between here and California, but the only thing I could come up with was the beach, but we were miles from the closest one. Anyway I put it, I could find no real correlation that would cause the feeling to return.

Carlisle and Esme came up to my room to talk about whatever came to mind, they were intrigued when I told them stories about all the famous musicians I'd met over the years. Esme's eyes lit up when I told her I'd met Elton John, her favorite pianist of all time.

"Did you ask him for pointers?" she was always telling me to learn as much as I can from the people around me. Her motto; "_Every single person can teach you something new_."

"I didn't, we were on a short schedule so I didn't get much time to talk about anything else but the show." Her smile faded a bit, "But next time he comes I'll do my best to sneak that in." She seemed to except that.

"So Edward, there's no lucky lady in your life?" This was the question I'd been dreading. They knew everything about Bella; they paid for the therapy session so of course they wanted status updated regularly. Now they always want to know if I've moved on from it, I don't think I ever will.

"Nope, still testing the water," I replied smoothly.

"I want three grandbabies, one from each of you, so you better get in the game soon. No more testing," Esme practically barked.

I laughed nervously, "I don't think babies are my thing, they need too much attention and I'm a busy guy." I do not want kids, that's what I wanted to say but I couldn't break Esme's heart just like that.

"Someday," she said and it seemed like she was trying to convince herself.

"Have you met Alice and Rose's sister, Isabella?" Carlisle asked. That name sent a shiver up my spine and I think they both caught on to it.

"No I haven't. In all the years I've known them she's never come around."

"She's here, she'll be sharing our box tomorrow with her boyfriend mike; he's a pretty decent guy."

"She seems a little troubled," Esme contemplated, "Like she's being held down by something. Her smiles seemed forced and so did her laugh. "I'm sure it has nothing to do with him but I surely hope not," she tried convincing herself yet again. Esme has always been the type to give people the benefit of the doubt, no judging a book by its cover. She's very feminist when it comes to things like that.

"I'm sure it has nothing to do with Mike, maybe she's just nervous about meeting us today," Carlisle always had a logical explanation for everything.

"Well, I'm tired; I think I'm going to hit the sack." I told them goodnight and they left shortly after. All I could see when I closed my eyes was the name Isabella.

Isabella…

Bella.

The sun shining through the curtain of my sliding glass door that led out onto a balcony woke me early the next morning. I showered and went with casual attire for the day.

Black slacks and a button up blue shirt, my favorite color.

I was meeting my family downstairs for breakfast and supposedly meeting the infamous Isabella and her boyfriend Mike; probably a loser if my interpretation of what Esme said is correct.

Of course she wasn't there and we ate breakfast without her. "She's not feeling well so they're going to meet us in the box before the show starts," Alice informed us.

"Edward, my brother it's been what over a year since I've seen you, that's too long man," Emmett looked good, healthy and big as always.

"Yeah, look at how you've aged," I teased and he punched me on the shoulder and we hugged genuinely. My family was definitely one of the best.

Breakfast went without a hitch and game time came quickly. There were bar servers in the box and I got a scotch on the rocks first thing. I'm not a heavy drinker but when it's free I'm always down to take advantage of it.

The mystery sister and her boyfriend were still MIA and I was beginning to think they weren't going to come at all.

Right after I finished that thought the feeling came over me and I heard the door open. I looked around to see what it could be that was causing it, and also looking to the door because it could only be the only people who were missing.

My entire world was turned upside down, or maybe right side up when I saw her walk through the door behind the man I'd run into last night with my luggage cart. I wished I would have run him over completely because he had every nightmare, every dream and every tear I have shed in almost the last decade in his hand.

* * *

**_So they still have not met, but I'm sure you can guess who was on Mike's arm. More of that will be explained in the next chapter. This is just a little bit of a cliffy for y'all. You know how I like to do that. BTW it's been 8 years now...they are both 22 years old. Edward is older than Bella by a few months but Bella was 13 when he got adopted and Edward was 14. _**

**_Some of you may not like how I am jumping from year to year and not covering all of the time in between but that is how this story is. It really isn't going be day by day until they meet or until they are together or whatever happens when it happens. I'm not much on mundane conversation and details so I skip around to the good stuff or the stuff that makes the plot line. _**

**_Also, I have a 2001 Acura Integra that is lowered to four inches and man does it take the corners with ease. As soon as I get a new car, hopefully a Jeep Wrangler or a Jetta my boyfriend and I will be turning the Acura into a track car. I love to drive fast, I love to go four wheeling and I love to just be one of the guys (I guess you could say). I've never been very girly and writing seems to bring it out in me. I feel girly a lot I just can't portray it very well. _**

**_So I hope you all are liking SH, I'm sorry if there are things you wanted to read about that I didn't include, but there is much, much more to come._**

**_Thank you so much for your reviews, they make me smile every time and as some of you know I get the emails on my phone so I can read them no matter where I am. I don't have a lot of time to review as I don't really have a lot of time to write and type up the story so please forgive me if I don't respond to you review. I saw it trust me and I totally appreciate you taking the time to write it. _**

**_Thanks again to my Beta Scrimmy....sorry I've been MIA...the next chapter is coming your way very soon._**

**_PLEASE LEAVE ME SUM LUV...LIL' BUTTON JUST BELOW_**

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	6. A Lot Like Love

**A Lot Like Love**

**_BPOV_**

_ This part of my life is a new start._

Time really flies by, it felt like just yesterday we arrived in our new apartment in Seattle. Alice was picking out all of our furniture while Rose and I were out looking for jobs. Rose received her degree in dance, as an instructor, and I got mine in teaching music. Alice received hers in fashion and design and also got a nice letter of recommendation for being top in her class the whole term.

A year after we had moved to Seattle Emmett showed up unannounced and asked Rose to marry him. They had been doing the long distance relationship thing since we left and I guess he got tired of it. It was one of those fairy tale kinds of proposals, he knocked on the door drenched like a wet dog and Rose was in her pajamas with her hair piled on top of her head. He was breathing hard and she was worried that something had happened. He got down on one knee and she thought he was trying to rest until he held the little black velvet box up to her. She gasped and said yes before he even got the question out.

It wasn't until a few days later that she came to us and told us she was going on the road with him while he traveled with the Chargers. We were required to attend any games close to home because we would have VIP seating along with free accommodations. We were also required to attend the super bowl if they so happened to make it that far. With Emmett on the team I knew we would be making that trip.

It was a sad goodbye when she left. We turned her room into an office and Alice and I split the bills 50/50. Jasper moved to Seattle not long after Rose moved out so he could be closer to Alice. They were the cutest couple but they made _me_ blush sometimes with the way they looked at each other. I knew he would take good care of her though, you could see the intensity of his love for her. He also did everything she wanted to do and treated her like a princess. She deserved that kind of treatment because she never asked for it and she never took it for granted. I was nauseatingly happy for both of them.

I got a job a few weeks after we moved at an elementary school in S.E Seattle. I was teaching 4th graders how to orchestrate and play together as a group. I wasn't the greatest at playing all of the instruments but I could definitely teach someone else to be wonderful. That was the best part of my job; seeing a kid realize they can play the flute or the trombone and watch their eyes light up when they see how fulfilling practice and determination can be.

The day Alice moved out, which was two years after we moved to Seattle, was one of the worst since…we'll just say it was the second worst experience of my life. I loved my sister and I didn't want to live by myself.

I met someone; we were friends at first, more like acquaintances. He works for the company that delivers the food to the cafeteria; we'd run into each other on a few occasions. We didn't speak much until the day he asked me out on a date. I was reluctant at first but decided maybe a man could take my mind off of another man. The first couple of dates were overbearingly awkward but after that it wasn't all together terrible. He was nice, he didn't talk a lot like some people do and he didn't mind the silence which made him more attractive.

I had sex for the first time and it was nothing like what I expected. I'd heard so many things; it was going to hurt, it didn't; I was going to bleed, I didn't; it was going to feel so good like my whole body would fill with feel good juice and release it causing it to erupt.

Yeah, I envisioned one of those KY Jelly commercials when they cut from the bed to a waterfall and back to the couple after they already did the deed. _Yay_…it was dull and didn't feel like anything, I guess you could say he wasn't well endowed or skilled.

He was sweet and kind and I could tell he loved me, he put all of my needs before his and he spoiled me often; what more could a girl ask for?

We made it a tradition to watch any games that included the chargers over at Jasper and Alice's house. We'd been doing it through three seasons now and they still hadn't made Super Bowl. Yes, Jasper and Alice live in a cute little house in S.E Seattle, white picket fence included; well, actually it's brown but it still puts off the same vibe.

The championship games were in full swing and the Chargers were playing against the Dallas Cowboys for a shot at the Super Bowl. The last couple of games I brought Mike with me and he seemed to get along with Alice and Jasper just fine. That made me happy, at least I'd found someone that could mix well with my family.

It was half time and Alice pulled me to her loft, "We're calling Rose because this is important." She held out her cell phone and it rang three times before Rose could be heard on the other end.

"Hey sis, I miss you, how's everything?"

"Bella's here too," Alice sang with excitement.

"Aw, I miss you guys so much. I can't wait to see you," we could hear people celebrating in the background as they watched the half time show.

"I have some news," Alice was bouncy and the excitement rang high in her voice. She held out her hand."

"Oh my god Alice that's huge," I gasped when I saw the giant diamond ring on her tiny finger. "When did he ask you?"

"What…when did who ask who what?" Rose's voice carried through the phone that was on speaker.

"Last night at dinner, he took me out to this really fancy restaurant in downtown, it was perfect you guys, just perfect."

"Jasper asked you to marry him?" Rose questioned.

"Yes, and I said yes." She was beaming with joy and to be honest it made me sick. She was destined for pure happiness while I feel like I am settling. Mike is a good catch; that was obvious but it just didn't feel right between us. The more time we spent together the more I could feel it.

We said bye to Rose and joined the guys back in the front room just as the second half started. I gave my congratulations to Jasper and sat a few inches away from Mike. I knew he would do what he did next because he always had to be basically sitting on top of me to be happy. He scooted over so our legs were touching and rested his hand on my thigh.

I knew right then and there that we weren't going to last much longer. I can't help how I feel and I don't feel a thing for him; it isn't right to let it go on for much longer.

The whole game I stared at his hand on my leg, trying to figure out how I was going to do it, I was going to break his heart when I know how much that hurts.

"Ahh!" Alice's high pitch scream brought me back to reality and she was hugging Jasper energetically. "We won, we won. We're going to the Super bowl, we're going to the Super Bowl," she chanted in his arms.

"Does that mean we're going to the Super Bowl?" Mike asked. I wanted to say "No we need to talk", or "Maybe that's not such a good idea", but the look on his face was sheer happiness and I couldn't break that. Plus Alice replied before I could.

"Yes we're going to Super Bowl. Whoop whoop whoop," she moved her tiny fist, the one with the weight on it, through the air fist pumping like champs in a deep voice for her.

We were going to the Super Bowl, Mike was coming along and I had no idea what to do about the mixed up feelings I was having.

* * *

When I met Carlisle and Esme, Emmett and Jasper's adoptive parents, it seemed like I knew them from somewhere. They had said the same thing when they saw me, but we couldn't figure it out.

"What's wrong Bella?" Mike asked when we were getting ready for bed the night before the game.

"Nothings wrong, I feel fine," I lied. Really I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with him. I was lying to him and myself by doing it. I told myself this was the last weekend I was going to pretend; once we got home I was going to tell him the truth.

"You would tell me if you were having second thoughts about us wouldn't you?" his question startled me and I think he saw the answer.

"I think I love you Bella, I want you to be my wife someday and I hope you feel the same way." Again he caught me off guard and he looked so vulnerable and easily offended.

"I don't know what to say to that," I answered honestly.

"You don't have to say anything until you're ready to say it," he added that last part with a lump in his throat.

I wanted to tell him that time would never come, that I cringed at just the thought of sleeping all night in this bed with him, but of course I couldn't say either of those things. "Thank you."

Morning came and I really didn't feel like eating breakfast with everyone and to be quite honest I was a little uncomfortable around their parents. I text Alice and told her I wasn't feeling well and that I'd see them in the box.

I took an extra long shower and Mike took one after me. I think he was trying to hint that we should take one together but that just wasn't something I wanted to do at all. We were running late because Mike takes an unusually long time to get ready and I hate being the last person to arrive anywhere. That just gave people more reason to look in my direction or stare.

I felt like I was lying to everyone in the room when we entered holding hands, this was definitely going to be a long and agonizing game. The next couple of things seemed to happen all at once.

The feeling of déjà vu came over me, something that hasn't happened since the graduation party three years ago. Then a loud intake of breath came from somewhere in the room, I wasn't sure it was from me or someone in the group of people sitting in the bleachers; and then I saw him.

I remembered instantly where I'd seen Carlisle and Esme, they were Dr. and Mrs. Cullen. I suddenly couldn't breathe and Mike's hand was like a heavy weight holding me there in that room.

It was like I was back in Forks, at the group home looking into his emerald scorching eyes. So many memories flashed before my eyes until Mike stepped between us, "Something wrong?" he asked.

"Um, shit…I need to get some air." I turned and released Mike's hand to walk back out the door.

"Wait, I'll go with you," he offered.

"No! I'll be fine, stay and have a good time. I won't be long," with that I hurried out the door and didn't even make it to the other side of the hallway before my knees started to buckle under me. I reached out to grab the wall for support and thankfully I found it without falling on my face.

My breathing was something fierce, like I'd just run a mile and my heart mirrored its pace. This whole time, ever sense the first week of college he has been within my reach and I didn't even know it. I thought back further to the first time I'd had that feeling, at the airport, at the beach, the ballet dinner, the graduation party and last night.

_What the hell did that even mean?_

I found the smoking area and dipped out the door. When I went to take a deep breath as I turned to face whoever was out there I inhaled someone's secondhand smoke and gagged from the pain it caused in my throat.

"You okay sweetie?" and older woman asked blowing smoke from between her lips lazily.

"I'm fine, I don't smoke," I laughed nervously and excused myself quickly making my way all the way to the corner where the fences came together. I held onto the fence for balance and attempted to look back at what just happened; to try and make sense of the world because I must have done something to deserve this torture.

Ten years has passed and not a night has gone by that I haven't seen his face, well the boys face, and now here he sits, the brother of my soon to be brother in laws. The feeling I sometimes get, apparently when he is in the vicinity, started creeping up my body, starting from the tips of my fingers and toes and meeting in the middle. Was it ever going to stop? I felt so confused, light, free, wild, calm, and hysterical all at once.

I liked it. It made me the feel the most alive I have in a long time.

I saw his tousled hair first, it was coming fast, and then it stopped. He started back towards the room then back towards the smoking entrance more than a few times until he finally decided to make his next move.

**_EPOV_**

There she fucking was in all her splendor. The fucking bitch comes into _my_ brothers box with some dip shit holding her hand to top it off.

_The universe officially has it out for me_.

I allowed myself to examine the small subtle, yet noticeable, changes; her eyes were still the same deep chocolate I remember. My memory didn't do them justice in the least. Her face looked the same, aged but not so much, she was gorgeous, more so than I remember, age only made her look that much more tantalizing.

When _Mike_ interrupted our locked eyes fury raged within me. So many sleepless nights I have spent looking into those eyes. So many moments when I felt like nothing made sense anymore because of those sleepless nights. I had to know why she did it, why she left and didn't leave me a way back to her. This mother fucker was already on my bad side, this just made him on the worst side possible.

"Um, shit…I need to get some air." She was trying to avoid my question, her voice was like angels to my ears. I never thought I would hear its beauty again and there I was, only 15 feet away from, _literally speaking_, the woman of my dreams. The realization of that hit me like a ton of bricks; _my_ Bella was in this room.

_Not my Bella, Bella from my past_.

"No, I'll be fine, stay and have a good time. I won't be long," she replied to something the douche bag said to her and then she was out the door.

My feet itched to follow her, to corner her somewhere and demand answers to the question that have been haunting me for years. I had to wait so it didn't seem like I was going after her. Someone would suspect something and I didn't need the distraction. I could have asked her right there, made a scene and ruined everyone's good time, but I couldn't do it. It wasn't for their sake, mine or her's; it was for Emmett. This was his once in a lifetime opportunity to play in the Super Bowl, I wasn't going to make him look bad over something I can't change.

Five minutes went by and I decided to make my move, "I'll be right back," I told Jasper. Alice gave me some kind of look I wasn't able to translate it but it looked accusing. No one else gave a second notice, including the dip shit she came in with. As soon as I stepped out of the door the feeling came over me, starting in the tips of my toes and fingers and it started to fill me and expand as I walked further and further away from the room.

She said she needed air; the only place to get it would be the smoking section. I came upon the door; I could see it some 30 feet ahead of me. As I got closer my emotions were conflicting, causing me to change my mind several times before I managed to grasp the door and pull it open. Subconsciously I looked right at her, crouching in the corner area, up against the fence gripping it for support. She didn't look at me but she had to know I was there. _Unless this feeling is only something I feel_, my inner voice suggested. I had an overbearing need to comfort her, to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. That thought brought back memories of the way our relationship worked when we had one. She betrayed me for all the good I did for her. She had some explaining to do.

I managed to move my feet which felt like blocks of concrete and she never looked in my direction but she moved slightly with every step I took.

"I can't do this," I heard her say when I stood but five feet away from her. "I wasn't prepared for this and I can't do it."

"You owe me an explanation," I choked on the words and it came out as more of a plea than a demand like I intended.

"I don't owe you anything," she shot at me, looking up from the ground and directly into my eyes. She hated me.

"The hell you don't, I've spent the last 10 fucking years trying to rid my mind of you and here you are flaunting your shit all in front of me." I spat the last part because that's just fucked up. Break a man's heart and then stomp on it too.

"You are the one that never came back, why don't you explain that to me? No, on second thought don't because it'll be a lie anyway." She looked angry like she's been waiting to release this frustration for a long time; 10 fucking years is my guess.

"What makes you think I didn't come back?"

"Well did you," she pushed when I didn't give her the answer.

"Why should I tell you," I snapped, "It'll be a lie anyway, wont it?" I was actually in shock, seeing the woman I thought I'd never see again yet I see her every night in my subconscious. It was tantalizing and this was going down at the most important football game of my brother's career. I had to get myself together.

"I don't know you tell me," her tone was calmer, still pissed and hurt but calmer.

"It's not even worth my time," I turned away from her, as hard as it was I did it and walked right out the door and back to the box. She wouldn't believe me if I told her that I showed up there only to have my heart ripped out and shattered. She wouldn't believe me if I told her that I have dreamt of her every night since then and she definitely wouldn't believe me if I told her about the feeling that comes over me whenever she is in the same vicinity.

**_BPOV _**

I started hyperventilating after he left, the feeling that came over me was so powerful and overbearing; almost lethal. His eyes that bored into mine were deep and they were hurt, nothing like I remember them; probably mirroring my own pain and suffering.

Did he really go back for me? I was there for six months after he left, would he have called if I would have left him a number to reach me?

I had to stop my train of thought there because it would only add to my frustration and bewilderment. I took a deep breath and willed myself to a standing position and made my way to the box.

My hand rested on the door knob longer than necessary until I finally got the courage to open it and walk through it. The game was just about to start and everyone was talking and laughing, everyone except Edward. He was sitting at the bar with a drink in his hand and the phone in the other. He didn't even notice I entered the room, or at least he didn't act like he did.

"No, she's fucking here. I'm not hallucinating," he growled under his breath. He kicked back a shot of something clear and slammed the shot glass down on the countertop. "I have to get out of here, I feel like I'm going to explode." He slammed the phone shut and looked over at me. "What?" he asked in an angry tone.

I didn't answer, I just walked the rest of the way to everyone else who was laughing and having a good time. "Where have you been, we've been waiting for you," Alice snatched my hand and pulled me into the group.

"I just needed some fresh air," I replied with the smile I've gotten used to perfecting over the years. Mike gave me a look but continued on with his conversation with Jasper about the dynamics of being a psychologist to high school students. The whole game was a blur; like a cloud was looming around me and my ears muffled by cotton.

I tried not to look in his direction, anytime my eyes tried to trail across him I darted them the other way. He stayed at the bar until the game actually started and he took a seat directly behind me, two rows up.

Everyone was clapping and cheering and having a good time except me and Edward. I could feel his anger pulsating out of him and reaching out and touching me. The burning desire to be close to him was so intense I had to concentrate on not moving from my seat.

Ten years and he still has this effect on me. He was still just as gorgeous as I remember; if anything time only did him well. I couldn't see him now, but I could feel his ominous stare on my back. I was tense because of it and I prayed no one noticed. Our families didn't need to know the background we share; it would only make things awkward.

Jasper kept Mike entertained all through the first half of the game. When half time hit he turned his attention to me and I was startled by his sudden interest.

"Are you enjoying the game?" he leaned in close to me and his closeness was worse than ever before. I leaned away from him and his smile faded. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I blurted. It was all I could think to say. "I feel a little nauseous."

"Oh, do you want to head back to the room until the next half?" He sounded concerned now, I must have been convincing enough.

"No, I'll be fine, I think I need some water." I stood up and passed by him as he lifted his legs and followed me with his eyes. I didn't really need water but I needed to get out of the situation I was in. I kept my eyes planted on the ground but I could see Edward's eyes following me in my periphery.

I spent the rest of half time looking at the disarray of Edward's tangled bronze hair. I remember the way he liked me to run my fingers through it when we sat together in the park. The way it felt silky smooth running between my fingers and how it would go right back to the mess it was after I twisted a strand around my finger. He was so sweet to me then, even when he was jerk to everyone else, he couldn't be mean to me. When we would argue he would cave, when we would disagree he would agree after I put up enough of a fit. He was truly one of a kind and I was molded just for him, but our chance had past; the wounds too deep to be healed completely. Open wounds only get worse if you keep messing with them; I learned that a long time ago.

There was no way I was going to give him the chance to open my wound further if he hasn't already just by the mere sight of him.

The next half came and I took my seat. Edward had moved while I was watching him from the bar and he was now sitting in the front row between Carlisle and Rose. He was smiling and laughing along with everyone else and that only added to my emotive state. He was having a good time after he broke my heart, like it didn't faze him in the least and that pissed me off more than it hurt.

Something came over me, a feeling I remember having towards Alice and Jasper, the love that they have. I couldn't quite put a name to it but if I had to call it something…I was jealous.

"What's the score again?" I asked Mike, louder than necessary.

"Oh, ah, 21 to 24 Dallas," he resisted.

"So we're down three points?"

"Yeah, but we'll get it during this half, it isn't set in stone." His attention turned back to the field that was a good 300 feet away. I realized that I hadn't seen Emmett since we arrived in Tampa so I started searching for him. I couldn't really make any of them out from where I was seated so I moved yet again to stand against the railing so I could try and spot him.

Edward noticed me right away but he kept his composure. He was good at hiding his feelings but I was just as good, _if not better_.

_Two can play at this game_.

* * *

**_Why Mike? Because I cannot see Jacob with Bella, it just doesn't compute with me. I can't do it, I won't I just wont. That's my little fit....feels good to get it out. _**

**_Thank you all for your reviews, I'm excited you all aren't upset about the jumping from time to time. I'm also sorry for posting this chapter so late, Sunday instead of Monday. I wen't wheelin in Brownsville, Oregon. Woke at 5:50am and got home around 5pm. It was a blast, I'll post some pics on my page soon and I'll let you all know if your interested. _**

**_Thank you Scrimmy, not just for your Beta'ing but for being so wonderful too. I will be updating Wednesday so add to your favs or how ever you do it so you don't miss it._**

**_Sorry for the short A/N but I have got to get some sleep y'all. Thanks so much_**

**_Leave me sum luv...lil' button just below_**

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**_\/_**


	7. The Notebook

EPOV

She was baiting me, trying to make me squeal and I wasn't fucking going to do that. She doesn't have the same effects on me as she used too; that much I have gotten past. I wasn't going to do what she fucking wanted me to do which was stay to myself and basically disappear. She was never that lucky.

She didn't even have the decency to tell me why she did what she did nor did she apologize for it. If she apologized I'd more than willing to put it in the past and move on, hopefully getting rid of the dreams in the process. But she had to be difficult so I was going to be difficult right back.

I had a good time and I think she saw how happy I was. I even convinced myself and I know better. But something she said to me, something she said kept replaying itself over and over in my head.

"_You are the one that never came back, why don't you explain that to me? No on second thought don't because it'll be a lie anyway._" It almost sounded like she were hurt by me not coming back, but it wasn't that way at all. I did go back but I was too late.

Too late to say anything now, here I sit in my apartment alone for the sixth day in a row, something was definitely wrong with me.  
I got up and went to the kitchen to whip up something quick to eat, anything to get my mind off of last weekend. I thought about calling Laurent to see if he wanted to go out on the town, Portland was booming this time of night. Tomorrow was my last day off of the two week vacation I'm given every year by the company. I needed to do something about my streak of bad luck.

My phone vibrated loudly on the kitchen counter; Laurent beat me to the punch.

_Hey Eddyword, Club Trio, ya down?_-L

_Absolutely, how long?_-E

_Be there in 20_-L

_Perfect_-E

Twenty minutes was just enough time, quick shower, jeans and a t-shirt and I'd be ready to go. I tried like hell but I would be lying to myself if I said I didn't think of Bella once while in the shower or even when I looked in the mirror to make sure I looked presentable. My mind had inevitably wandered to her eyes, the fresh eyes that I could conjure up. It was just like the first time all over again. I officially lost her twice, but it doesn't hurt as bad this time around.

Laurent knocked on my door exactly twenty minutes later, "Doors unlocked," I yelled from my bathroom. The click to the door opening till the click to when it shut alerted me that he wasn't the only person here. "Who's with you?" I asked not taking the time to look out the hall way to find out.

"I ah, don't know," he replied hesitantly. That sparked my interest and I took the two steps it took to reach the door and leaned out to see who it was.

My vision was blurry and all I could make out was chocolate brown hair and I instantly thought it was Bella even though she wouldn't be here for obvious reasons. It was still someone just as random; it was Jasper.

"Hey bro," he waved. "Sorry to come by on such short notice. I'm in town for a seminar and my hotel is just around the corner from here." He knew I would have made up an excuse not to see him, that's why he didn't call. I love Jasper, he is my brother in every way that matters, but I can't stand to be around him since he found Alice.

I'm envious of his happiness and the love he has from another person. "We were just about to go out; would you like to join us?" I invited him cordially.

"Depends," he shrugged, "where to?"

Here comes the big Hell no, "We're going to Al's Gentlemen's Club on MLK and Columbia. The girls there are of substantial quality." Yes I refer to my women as quality, ranking from looks to their experience levels.

"I suppose I can tag along," he must have noticed the look of shock on my face because his face spread out in a goofy grin. "What, a guy can look can't he? As long as he doesn't sample the buffet," he howled and I broke down.

"Jazz, no fucking way man," I called his bluff. "Won't the old ball and chains serve you your balls on a silver platter?"

"She is my fiancée and no she won't, we have a healthy and trusting relationship. Plus," he shrugged as if this, his next words were going to null and void the strength of what he just said, "Bella is with her."

I choked on my own saliva, Bella was with Alice. She was going to tell Alice and then I was really going to hear it. "You okay?" he asked.

"Fine, I'm fine," I cleared my throat, "Let's go; times a-wasting." I pushed them out the door hypothetically and grabbed my coat on the way out.

"I have a rental, you want to take that? You can drive for old time's sake." I quirked a brow in confusion, "You'll see." We walked down a few blocks and when he walked up to a Sebring, 2007 at least, I smiled.

"Man, this brings back memories, college days. Those were it Jazz, those were the days." He put the keys in my hand and we got in. I started the car and we were off, to the Gentlemen's club.

We were out until 3am and Jasper was letting loose, he even put a dollar in a strippers g-string. I was thrilled and I wasn't going to say anything to my future sister in-law, not that we spoke a lot anyways.

"Edward, I know that Alice's sister is the girl from your past, how are you handling that?" and out comes his psychology degree.

"Really Jasper, we just had a fucktastic night and you want to bring up bad memories?" I really didn't want to be in session right now, she was the reason for the night we just had.

"I want to tell you what I know of her and maybe give you her number to give her a call, but only if you talk to me about this."

"Why the fuck would I want her number?" Oh, I want the number; she's the reason I don't sleep at night.

We arrived at my apartment and nothing else was said until we had scotch in our hands, "She has dreams, too," he said without warning.

"I don't give a fuck what she has, she ruined her chances," and mine I added mentally.

"Do you want me to tell you her story or do you want to hear it from her? Either way you're going to hear it," he sipped on his drink and took a seat in one of my leather chairs.

"Fuck Jazz, I really don't want to go through this, I've spent a lot of time getting over her. Just because she's Alice and Rosalie's sister doesn't mean shit."

"You don't think it's quite the coincidence that she was there the whole time during college or that she was there when you played at Rosalie's banquet those years ago? I don't believe in coincidence's Edward, I believe in fate."

"Give me the fucking number; I'll call her when I get a chance." I gave in because I wasn't going to win. He was right, I should hear her story, and god only knows that's the one thing that's been haunting me since I lost her.

"Don't be a jerk to her, she's been through a lot, and I know you have too, but she was a mess when she was adopted by the Swan's and they helped her to be as happy as she was capable of being."

"I was never a jerk to her, I was nothing but nice and caring and fucking right by her." That pissed me off.

"But you were in Tampa, she told Alice about your confrontation and Alice told me. You hurt her by doing whatever you did; she's very fragile and can be broken easily."

"Jasper, can we please stop talking about this; I don't get to see you that often and I would really like to enjoy it." I poured another glass of scotch and took a big gulp of it. I wanted this night to be over and I didn't want to dream about her.

"Okay, but only if you'll call her."

"Fuck Jazz, I'll call okay," he downed the rest of his scotch and pulled out a pen. He wrote something on a napkin that he pulled out of his coat pocket, folded it and placed in my chest pocket.

"Now, where's that Wii, I want to get down on some Wii sports."

We played until 10am, I don't know how we managed to stay up until then but we did and it was a lot more fun than I would have imagined. Before he left for his flight back to Seattle I told him next time he was in town to call me because there was no need for him to stay in a hotel. I felt horrible that he didn't think I would want to see him.

When I woke up later that day and after my shower, breakfast and a quick round of home gym, I decided I would call her. My fingers hovered over the keys to my phone for some time until finally I just pushed send and put the phone up to my ear.

When she answered I could swear I heard bells rings. "_Hello_."

"Hi, is this Bella?" her short intake of breath told me that yes it was.

"_Who's this_?" she questioned.

"Edward; Emmett and Jasper's brother, I was wondering if we could get together one of these days and talk?"

"_About what_?" she pushed.

"I don't know, about what the hell happened when we were younger and what it means now that were about to be part of the same families. Your sisters are both about to marry my brothers aren't they?" She really needed me to explain this? Maybe our views on things are different after all. "You know what, forget it; forget I called."

"_Wait, Edward wait_," she pleaded and how could I deny that? The sound in her voice took me back 10 years ago. The same tone in her voice when I left, asking me if everything was going to be okay.

"Well?" The other end of the line was silent and I was beginning to think she wasn't there.

"_I want to talk_," she said quietly, calmer.

"You do?" The surprise palpable in my voice.

"_Yes, I think we could both use some closure_," she couldn't hide the pain that it caused her to say the words; it rang loud and clear.

Hearing it enraged me, "Yeah, closure, when are we doing this?" my response was laced with acid, I could taste it on my tongue.

"_I have time off for Christmas coming up; I work at a school so when they're off I'm off_."

"I have to go to Chicago a few days before and I'll have a couple of days off when I get back home. We could meet somewhere in between," I offered.

"_I think everyone was planning on going to Chicago and Forks this year, I was invited_." She was going to my house, the house where I spent most of my nights lying awake, thinking about her. I had pictured her in my room on more than one occasion.

"Oh well I suppose we can talk then, I won't be going to Forks."

"_Why not, you don't want to meet Charlie and Renee_?" She sounded offended.

"It's not that I don't want to go, I just don't need to go. I'm sure I'll meet them at one of the two weddings that will be coming up soon."

"_Oh, okay_…"

"Unless you want me to go," I didn't really know what to say but I didn't want her to think that Alice and Rosalie's family—and hers for that matter—didn't mean anything.

"_No, it's fine. So I'll see you in Chicago then_?"

"Yeah, when will you be arriving?"

"_I think we're leaving on the 24th__d__ and then leaving to Forks on the 27__th_." That's when I'll be there. There was silence between us but my mind was yelling; I didn't want the conversation to end.

"_Well I guess I'll talk to you then_," she said through the awkward silence.

"Until then." The tone that came from my mouth was not one I have used sincerely.

"_Oh…Edward_."

"Yeah," I sounded too excited but I couldn't hide it, it was already too late.

"_I'm sorry I wasn't there when you went back_." I was stunned speechless. She was apologizing; I couldn't talk about it now. "_Edward_?"

"I'm here, let's talk about this in Chicago," I wanted to do this face to face, to see if she was sincere.

"_Okay, see you then. Bye_."

She hung up before I could respond.

BPOV

Every time Jasper has to go out of town, which isn't often, Alice comes back to our apartment and stays with me. She didn't like to be alone, for me it was solitude. But this time I was happy she was here. There were something I needed to get off my chest and some things I needed to figure out.

We were sitting in the front room in front of the fire place, logs burning and hot chocolate warming our hands. It was one of our favorite past times, we used to do it back in Forks almost every night.

"Alice," I asked to get her attention.

"Hmm," she responded, sipping her cocoa.

"Do you remember that guy I told you about, the one from the group home?" I knew she would and I worded it ridiculously, but I was accustomed to avoiding anything that had to pertain to him and she was the one that helped me do it.

"How could I not; are you still having the dreams?"

Since I saw Edward at the Super Bowl four days ago, my dreams have been a mutilation of that weekend. Things happened that I wouldn't think would happen, not even in my wildest dreams…but they did.

"Yeah, but that isn't why I brought him up, I actually ran into him." I looked in her direction and she was gaping at me over her cup.

"What? Really? Where, when; how?" She knew what I went through to be happy again. I was unhappy before Edward and even more unhappy after. Not until I moved in with the Swan's did I show any signs of living, loving or laughing. But I did and they brought out the best in me.

"It's really funny actually," I smiled nervously. "I saw him at the Super Bowl." I was hoping she would get it but she was looking at me like she wanted me to continue. "In our box suite," I pushed. She still didn't get it.

"Jasper and Emmett's brother is Edward."

"Are you kidding me," she was taken aback, "That guy is your Edward?"

"Not my Edward Alice, just Edward," I corrected her.

"Well, I know not _your_ Edward, but wow." She was speechless and I didn't blame her because I was beyond lost.

"What's the statistics on that? Like 1 – 3 million? Looks like family reunions are going to be awkward as all hell."

"I know; what do I do Alice? When I left for air he followed me and told me I had some explaining to do. He's the one that has the explaining to do. He's the one that never came back for me, not the other way around." I was trying to make sense of the situation and Alice was always good at aiding me when I couldn't get very far.

"Maybe he did go back, but after you left." She looked at me apologetically. "I'm pretty sure places like group homes can't give out personal information about the kids that get adopted out." She had a point.

"You should have seen what I had to go through in that box while he was there, it was the most uncomfortable I have ever been; especially with Mike there."

"What are you doing about Mike by the way? I can tell you don't like him." She was all knowing when it came to things like this; at least she always seemed to be right. "You never lean towards him, you're always leaning away." She is very observant, nothing ever gets past Alice.

"He's been calling me and I've been ignoring him, so he's bound to come over at some point and that's when I'll tell him."

"Tell him what?" she liked to play stupid when I didn't come right out and say something.

"That I don't love him, that I don't want to see him anymore, that I'm not good enough for him because I'm incapable of having a real relationship because I'm fucked beyond repair." That's the jist of it.

"Isabella Marie, you are good enough for any man, and you are not beyond repair," she was always very protective of me and I loved her for it. "Just because you saw Edward and well, now you have to see him on occasion, that doesn't mean you have to fall back into the slump you were in."

"I know, and I'm not going to, I just can't be with Mike, it isn't right. I've always heard that there is like an instant connection with the person you give yourself to and there was no connection between me and Mike."

"Just tell him how you feel and if he's a good man like I think he is he'll walk away without causing a big scene." Her whole attitude changed with her next words. "But I want to know more about Edward; what went through you mind when you first saw him? How do you feel about him now? Please spill Bella," she begged, "I haven't heard some good drama in a long time and I am so due." She crossed her legs under her and rested her head against her hand that was propped up on the side of the couch.

I guess I could let this out, Alice has always been trustworthy and I've told her just about everything since I met her. "Well, first I was shocked and pissed and hurt, that's why I had to get out of there." I decided still, not to mention the random feeling that comes over me, "When he came and met me out in the smoking area my mind was spinning."

"Bella, so you still love him, that's what I want to know?" she pushed.

"I don't love him if anything I hate him. He's bombarded my memories and taken over my dreams, how could I love that?"

"How could you not?" she looked at me all knowing again and scooted closer to me. "If you don't love him then those things wouldn't happen Bella. Maybe you should talk to him, find out his story and maybe he wants to find out yours. Maybe he did go back and was devastated that you weren't there. Obviously he still thinks about it since he approached you."

What she said made sense and it would be nice to have some closure, "I can probably handle that, but what if it turns out he does and then we date or whatever and then he leaves me again? What do I do then?"

"You won't know until or if the time comes, maybe it was just as hard on him as it was on you. Maybe you can be you again when you're with him. You won't know until you talk to him."

"Okay, I'll talk to him, but I don't know how to get a hold of him, where he lives or anything."

"He lives in Portland Oregon and Jasper knows all of that, actually, he's in Portland right now. I'm calling him," she pulled her cell phone out of her back pocket and I lunged at her.

"Alice, no please don't, I don't want my future family in-law to know about our past together. Just give me his number and I'll call him."

"No, I'll call Jasper, he can talk to his brother and give him your number, he should be the one calling you." She snagged her phone out of my reach and started dialing. It would be nice to not have to call him, so I let her do it.

* * *

I knew it was him when I saw the 503 area code; no one calls me from there except Jasper a few days before telling me that he had my number. It was now up to him if he was going to call, I was actually really anxious.

Now that he was calling I was a little nervous, I felt like the girl I used to be, broken and confused. I didn't like it and I think he brought that out in me.

When I mentioned closure I'd offended him and it made me want to scream, I didn't mean to and I could sense the regret in his tone. Phone conversations aren't the greatest at reading someone's true intentions so I didn't let my mind wander too far with it.

When he said he didn't want to meet my parents, well, not like that just that he didn't want to meet his future in-laws…Oh geez, not like that either, when he didn't want to meet his future bothers' in-laws, it made me a little angry.

"Unless you want me to go," he had said in his sultry voice. It made my mind spin and I didn't really know what to say after that. I had to tell him I was sorry about what happened. I did leave the group home with no way for him to contact me, so it is partly my fault for the way things ended up. Or is that just what he wants me to think? That is why I was happy to hear him say let's talk about it in Chicago, then I could see his expression and judge accordingly.

******************

We were transferring from Vegas to Chicago and there was a four hour layover because of the holiday. Alice and Jasper decided to go and gamble while I sat at the boarding gate reading my favorite book, Wuthering Heights, for the umpteenth time and it's still the original I bought 10 years ago.

I was just at the part when Catherine and Heathcliff reaffirm their love for one another when I felt it. He was here. I didn't move my head but my eyes instinctually darted from side to side and I noticed a figure standing to the left of me. I hadn't noticed I curled my legs up beneath me acting as if I were at home lying on my couch.

"Now this takes me down memory lane," he chuckled. I jumped at the pulsing sensation that shot through me when I heard his voice. Something so mesmerizing would do that to anyone right?

"Oh, hi, what are you doing here?" I straightened up and put my feet on the ground.

"I have a layover here as well it seems, is this your next flight?" he gestured toward the boarding door for D12.

"Yeah, Alice and Jasper are around here somewhere." I desperately wanted them to be closer than they were. I wasn't prepared to see him her or to deal with this until later today or even tomorrow if I was lucky.

"Oh, if you're busy I can go sit over there," he started toward the row of seat directly across from me. I didn't answer because I didn't want to. I could have told him no I wasn't busy and had a conversation with him about what was going on in our lives but that wasn't the conversation I wanted to have with him. I couldn't do that here, with all these people; It was sure to cause a scene if we did.

He sat across from me and pulled out a book from his bag. It was bound in leather and looked to be pretty old. He flipped a cover piece over and then flipped open the cover. He flipped through more than half of it and then he pulled out a pen.

He started writing in it and he didn't stop for over 20 minutes. Was he writing a novel? Was he writing in a journal? I wanted to ask him but I couldn't get the words out.

I'd finally managed to get back into my book and I wasn't paying attention to anything around me and then the feeling was gone. It wasn't like a gradual thing, it was like an all of a sudden thing. I looked up and Edward was gone, along with his luggage. I felt betrayed by his absence, not that I had any right to, or that I should.

I couldn't think of anything except his absence for the next hour. That was until him, Jasper and Alice came back into the dock.

"God Bella, you should have came with Edward, it was a blast. Jasper won $75 bucks on a nickel machine." Alice was delighted and Jasper was all mighty and proud. Edward was silent at their side, he didn't look in my direction. I guess my not answering him was harsher than I thought.

"I was reading and I wasn't aware that he left until a few minutes ago," I lied. I didn't want to show any sign of how much it actually affected me.

"Well, we're going to the bar and I want you," she came closer to me and grabbed my hands, "to come with me." She pulled me up off the chair and bounced in place. Same old Alice.

"Let me grab my things, you have to get yours I can't carry them all."

"Well duh Bella, you aren't CinderBella," she scoffed and started grabbing her luggage. Jasper did the same and we headed off down the long corridor. There was a little Tiki looking stand in the middle half way down and that was our destination.

Edward sat on one side of Jasper and I sat on the other side of Alice. We ordered drinks, I had Patron on ice, the only thing I could manage without going all sour faced. Jasper and Alice were all giggles and smiles while Edward and I mirrored each others enthusiasm.

After a while of silence Alice finally spoke to me. "We're going to go gambling real quick before boarding call, watch our stuff?" She asked me.

"Okay, but don't be late, I'm going on that plane with or without you and I mean it." I really didn't want to stay and wait for another flight but of course I would do it for Alice.

"We won't, we'll be back with time to spare," Jasper assured me. "Are you coming bro?" he turned and asked Edward. The edges of my mouth trembled; it was one of the most comical things I have ever heard come from Jasper's mouth, "_Bro._"

"Uh, no I think I'll stay here and have another drink," he was edgy I could tell and it made me nervous.

"Okay, see you guys in a few."

They left and then there was silence. I took the last drink of my patron and turned the glass in between my hands for a moment.

"Can I buy you another drink?" Edward asked from two seats away. My eyes darted to his and the feeling that had been coursing through me intensified.

"No need, I can get my own," I replied stubbornly.

He mumbled something then said, "I would really like to buy you another drink."

"And I can really buy my own if I want one, tequila makes me angry, it's a woman thing."

"I really can't buy you a drink?" he questioned, his right brow raising up a bit, totally making my heart pound through my shirt.

"Okay," I agreed nervously, anything to stop his persuasion; it was too much.

"Another Patron on ice," he told the bartender, "Make it a double," he added.

"Whoa, I don't think I should consume all of that before getting on a plane." That was the last thing I wanted, to throw up in front of him.

"Okay, scratch that and give me one also," he put down a twenty and the bartender went to work on our drinks.

"Thanks," I told him looking down at my glass.

"It's the least I can do."

Damn straight it is, I thought. I still haven't forgotten what happened, I don't think I ever will, and I wasn't going to let him take control over me like that again.

* * *

_Oh my goodness. I can't believe we are finally here. I'm super excited about it. There is so much to come you have no idea. A lot of angst and they aren't together yet but don't fret it won't be incredibly long of a wait._

_Thanks to all of you who have been reviewing and thanks to those of you that haven't but are still reading. Also thanks to those of you that have added SH to your alerts and favs. A big thanks to Scrimmy, my Beta for this story, you are amazing with your proofing, absolutely wonderful._

_I'm going to leave it at that and I will be posting the next chapter probably by Friday, don't hold me to it though, Saturday at the latest._

_Please leave me sum luv'...lil' box just below_

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	8. A Walk to Remember

**A Walk to Remember**

**_EPOV_**

Bella let me buy her a drink; it was something puny and didn't mean anything but it showed progression and forgiveness. It meant that maybe we could, at the very least, be civil to each other during the family get-together's we were destined to attend simultaneously in the future.

"Can I ask you something," she said when the bartender delivered our drinks and got consumed with another customer. She was fidgeting with her glass as she spoke, "It isn't anything personal, I'm just curious?"

"Sure, you can ask me anything." I moved one seat closer to her and tried to gauge her reaction to it.

She swallowed and looked down at her glass nervously. "What made you chose San Diego to attend college?"

"Umm," I wasn't expecting that. "SDU was the only college at the time that my brothers and I could attend together. A little corny, I know, but they are really good guys, fun to hang with too." I think I'd forgotten that over the years.

"Oh," was her response.

"Can I ask you the same question?"

"Oh, we chose LA because it's warm and affordable; also because they had Juilliard for Rose. It was her dream to go there, and she did," she answered simply.

We sat the rest of the time in silence until the boarding call for D12 was pronounced over the intercom.

"Crap!" Bella lifted her glass and downed the remainder of it. "Alice and Jasper are still not back," she said with slight bitter face. She started grabbing bags and struggled to keep a hold of them as she attempted to make her way to the dock.

I reached down to grab Jaspers roll bag and my hand brushed hers. "Here let me help you with that." Her hand jerked away from the handle of the bag and the look in her eyes said she felt it too. I was curious if she had the feeling too, but I didn't want to push her.

"If they aren't here in the next 24 seconds I'm going to wrap my hands around that little pixie's neck and…," she scoffed. Tequila really must make the girls get angry, too. I was—randomly enough—in a pleasant mood.

"Oh thank god," she let out a heavy breath of air and I saw Alice and Jasper running into the dock. "You were SO cutting it close," she exclaimed as they grabbed their bags and we all headed to the check in line.

In a not so random turn of events, my seat was next to Bella's. I thought to myself, how many signs did there need to be? Were we so blind that fate kept throwing us together and we kept avoiding it; until now.

Bella was putting her carryon in the upper compartment and a small patch of skin was showing just above her waist line. I had to peel my eyes away from it before she caught me, "Looks like this is me."

Her head whipped around and she lost hold of her luggage. I reached up just before it toppled onto her and she cringed away from it. She shot back up when it didn't hit her. "You startled me," she laughed nervously.

"Sorry, apparently my seat is next to yours." I showed her my ticket that was clearly marked as the seat previous hers.

"Okay," she sighed, but it seemed more like an exhausted sigh than a dejected one. She slid into her seat after I pushed her bag all the way back in the top compartment and stuffed mine under our seats.

There were three seats and Bella's was nearest the window. "I requested a window seat," she told me looking out the little window. We were all buckled and waiting for the captain to notify us of our departure and I took notice to the things about Bella that hadn't seemed to change.

She still loved that damn Wuthering Heights, probably the same fucking one from when she was 13. She still seemed withdrawn, like she put on a smile for the people around her but really when she was alone, she was sulking.

I remembered the first day I saw her smile a real smile. It was about four months after we'd met and we were sitting in the living room and she was trying to teach me how to make a Budweiser frog.

* * *

"No Edward, you take your right ring finger and the middle one…"

I flipped her off, "You mean this one?" I joked.

She pushed my hand down, "And then put it over your left ring finger…like this." She held her pale petite hands up in front of our faces and wiggled her ring fingers that were overlapping each other.

I did as she instructed with a grunt.

"Then you put your left middle finger over your right ring finger." She demonstrated and I followed. "Okay you got it. Then put your right index finger under your left ring finger and do the same with your left index finger; under your right ring finger."

This is where I always got confused. She pulled apart her hands and I almost did the same but her hands caught mine before I could. She positioned my fingers like she wanted them. "Now hold our index fingers together and put your thumbs together and there you have it," she leaned back to look at it and I observed too, "Your very own Budweiser frog."

* * *

I remember the toothy smile that took my breath away; even at 12 I could see the wonderful person she was and the amazing person she was going to be. That was a good memory.

She was looking out the window as the plane was ascending and I could only hope that what I was going to do wouldn't upset her. I wrapped my fingers around themselves, something I haven't done in over eight years, and I held it up for her to see.

"Do you remember this?" I called for her attention and she looked over from the window.

Her eyes grew wide for a fraction of a second and then I saw the guard; it was up and standing strong, unbreakable, impenetrable…and then she smiled. Not the real smile I remember when the frog comes to mind, but she smiled.

"I can't believe _you_ do, I didn't think you paid enough attention." She was looking into my eyes, her chocolate brown eyes like it was just yesterday that I looked into them for the last time for a long time.

"Yeah, well, some things are unforgettable," I let my fingers fall and her eyes fell with them. I wanted to tell her that I hated her for ruining the last decade of my life, but I wanted to tell her that none of it mattered now, as long as she could forgive me.

I have blamed her for everything, all of my nightmares, all of the days I lost being pissed off at the world when really I was pissed off at her. But now, with her sitting next to me, smiling her fake smile, I could see that the time has had an effect on her just as bad.

We spent the next three hours in silence; she slept most of the ride. I found out she still talks in her sleep, I remember that from back then too. She didn't talk as clearly, so I couldn't make anything out and I secretly hoped she was dreaming about me. When the plane started to descend that's when I woke her up. It frightened her and her eyes darted around the plane in surveillance

"We're about to land," I informed her and pointed out the window, "You should put your seatbelt on."

She did as I suggested and we landed safely at the Chicago International. Getting our bags was hell; I was able to grab all of them off the belt when they came around so that was convenient. We rolled our luggage down the long corridor and Bella was walking beside me. The shocking feeling was present as ever and it felt more like a humming now, it wasn't so intense.

"There they are," Jasper said looking straight ahead. Carlisle and Esme were standing on the other side of the metal detectors waiting for us to make it around. Esme was smiling and watching every step JI and asper and I took.

"Hey guys," Jasper greeted and hugged Esmmse while I shook Carlisle's hand.

"Edward, son, you look good," he said.

"Hey Esme," I greeted her after Jasper moved on to Carlisle.

"Edward you look so healthy, much more than the last time I saw you. Did you all fly together?" she asked looking from me to Bella.

"Bella, so glad you could make it," she reached for her and they hugged, Bella looked nervous.

"Not intentionally, we had the same layover in Vegas and we all ran into each other." My response was collected and lucid.

"Well, that's wonderful. Did you have time to get to know one another," she beamed.

"Yeah, we did, how was the drive?" I asked changing the question. "Are the roads nice and slick or has the snow plow already ruined them?" I loved coming home when I did because I had my baby still sitting in the garage.  
My Volvo C30, it has a dual overhead cam with twin turbo configuration and all custom carbon fiber parts. The only thing that's stock is the block and there's no getting around that.

"They've carved out most of the roads but there's still a few left for you to play on; thanks in full to ranger Jerry." Oh, me and Jerry go way back.

"Oh, how's the old geezer now, isn't he like 80?" I joked knowing damn well he was in his mid 40's.

She snapped, but I knew it was all an act, "You know he's younger than me right?"

"I'm kidding."

We started toward the doors and Esme turned her attention to her future daughter in-law. "So what's taking you guys so long to make set a date, it's been what… a year since you got engaged?"

"We're waiting for the right moment," Alice said coolly.

I noticed Bella quiet, walking a ways behind me with her head down. I slowed my pace and soon she was walking beside me.

I wanted to know if I was going to be having this feeling in my chest the entire time spent here. "Are you staying at our place?"

"Yeah, Esme said there's a guest bedroom I can stay in." I snorted, "What?" She looked confused so I decided I would elaborate.

"The guest room is connected to my room, it's more like an oversized walk-in closet but without the hangers and gadgets and shit." She was going to be basically sleeping in my bedroom. Now I was probably the one who looked nervous.

**_BPOV_**

How many times is fate going to shove us together? How many times am I going to have to go through withdrawallike symptoms after I see him? How long was this flight going to take?

Eventually I fell asleep and I dreamt of nothing, not one thing. So you can understand the shock and grateful look on my face when I woke up. Also, the plane was descending and that part of the flight always gave me chills.

Esme and Carlisle were there when we got off the plane and they greeted all of us with hugs.

The ride to their house was long, they lived somewhere in the boondocks. I was seated next to Edward, our legs barely touching and it felt like a current of electricity was running through me every few seconds. It wasn't like a hurting sensation, more like a nagging buzz. I wanted to know if he felt it but he never acted like he did.

We passed the city and started down a serpentine type road. Every few miles we would pass a house until we turned onto a dirt road.

"This will be paved the next time you all come home," Esme said looking back at her sons.

"Finally, how long have I been trying to convince you to do that?" Jasper chuckled.

"I like it, easier to spin the tires," Edward disagreed. I looked up at him and he smiled at me. The edges of my lips trembled to smile back, but I ducked my head before I could.

We pulled up to a house, biggest house we have seen during our drive from the airport. "Welcome home boys," Carlisle said when he put the car in park.

"Yeah, it's been a while." Jasper opened his door and offered his hand to Alice. Edward got out on his side and left the door open for me. He started grabbing his things out of the back and he sat mine out on the ground.

When I noticed he did I felt the red creep up my face, "Thanks."

"You're welcome," he didn't look back at me and started toward the house. The inside was nice, not the kind of nice when you're afraid to touch anything, but the kind of nice where you feel at home. They had pictures everywhere and I had to look at them.

The hall that started once you climbed the stairs was littered with them and I stopped to look. I saw a ton of pictures of Edward, some that were old enough that they must have been taken shortly after they adopted him. He looked happy in some but others I could tell his happiness was staged. I knew because there were a lot of the same pictures at Renee and Charlie's only the person in the picture was me.

I continued down the hall looking at the pictures on the way until I found Edward lying on a bed through an open door. His back was to me and I didn't want to disturb him but I needed to get my things in the guest room.

Three days I would be here, I have to sleep in Edward's room; well basically.

I knocked on the door frame and his head shot up to find the culprit. "Oh, come in," he scurried out of his bed while I entered and walked around to a set of double doors. "This is your room."

He opened the doors at the same time and I walked through them. There was a bed, a dresser and a door that led somewhere.

"That's the bathroom, Esme designed the house and she thought it was a good idea," he shrugged.

"Okay…Thanks." I put my bag next to the bed and sat down on the edge of it. "So what is there to do around here?" I asked making small talk.

"Not much around here but the city is always open," he chuckled fretfully.

Personally I liked the country feel; it was nice being out of the city. "I'm not much into the city, I like this."

"Same here," his left brow rose, "Do you like cars?"

"I love them. I don't know much about the mechanics but I love to drive them." That was for certain. When we moved to Seattle, Eric from college gave me the number to his cousin, who I met once or twice, who had his hand in the Seattle Raceway. I went there every Thursday and Saturday evening.

Eventually I was going to get my own track car; I had 1000 already saved up.

"Well, I was planning on taking a ride if you want to join me?" he sounded reserved, like he was ready for the worst response possible.

"Um, sure…why not. What kind of car do you have?"

"A Volvo, you can take it for a spin if you want," he smiled and this time I smiled back.

"I'm not used to the snow, but maybe, we'll see." I stood up and he gestured for me to exit the room first. We walked down the stairs and I felt every nerve ending reaching out to him, I could feel his presence all around me, encasing me like a cloud and sticking to the strands of my hair. We found everyone in the kitchen; they were talking quietly and I was almost positive they were talking about me, or Edward and me both.

"We're going out for a drive," Edward informed them. Alice caught my eye and looked at me in a way that said "_are you sure"_? so I smiled.

"Rose and Emmett will be here in a few hours and dinner will be ready by six," Esme said with a forced smile on her face.

"We'll be back." He turned and started toward the door that was positioned right under the stairs. He went through it and flipped a light on, illuminating the entire garage.

"Holy shit," I exclaimed and put my hands over my mouth.

"What," he asked frantic, "What happened?"

"No, nothing," I had to gather my thoughts. "You have an Aston Vanquish in your garage." I was stunned stone cold, I couldn't take my eyes off of the pure muscle beauty in front of me and I wasn't talking about Edward.

"Ah," he sighed, "That's Carlisle's pride and joy." He ran his finger along the side of it, "Pristine condition."

I took a few steps closer to it, "I've never seen one in person…can I touch it?"

"Definitely," he almost choked on his words. "Here, we can sit but we can't drive it," he held the keys out for me to take them and I snatched them out of his hands, careful not to touch him. "it isn't built for the snow, at least not this one."

I darted around the car to the driver's side and he was in it before I was; I took a moment to breathe.

I opened the door and sank into the most comfortable seat I have ever sat in. "Wow this is amazing, I never thought I would be sitting in a Vanquish." I looked around at all the gadgets and gizmos, and then looked in the back seat. Everything was in immaculate condition, very well cared for.

After I'd admired the car for a good 10 minutes I remembered we were supposed to be going on a drive. "So where's your car?" I asked.

"It's under that wrap; it's my baby I can't just leave it uncovered so it can get scratched."

"Can't I see it?"

"Yeah, if you're done here we can go for that ride."

"Oh, yeah…here," I handed him the keys and he darted out of the car and back into the house. I got out too and stood next to the car that had the cover over it. He came back in wearing a big smile and it made me smile too.

"I'll take us somewhere fun and then you can get behind the wheel." He grabbed the front part of the cover and threw it off revealing underneath, a silver Volvo C30.

I gasped when I saw it, "What do you have in it?" It wasn't just any Volvo C30, customized by Evolve, even converted from front wheel drive to all wheel drive. It had dual over head cam and a twin turbo…I know what fast involved and it was definitely those two things.

_Basically a street track car,_ I thought to myself.

_**EPOV**_

Journal Entry 222:

_When I try to think about actually seeing her again, it always turns out the same way._

_We argue, names are called and then she slaps me and walks away._

_I want to see her, to know the truth, to know why we were separated and never found our way back to one another. _

_Then I think about what it would be like if I'd gone back and she was there. _

_What would have happened if we stayed in touch?_

_Would we have stayed in touch?_

_A lot of people lose touch with their closest friends because things change._

_Would that have hurt more if it would have turned out any one of those ways?_

_I guess I'll never know._

* * *

She liked my car, but she liked Carlisle's car even better and I couldn't hold that against her. The Vanquish is an exquisite car; anyone would be a total fucking idiot if they didn't think it was sex on wheels.

I drove her down the icy roads until we reached our destination. A lot that had no poles or buildings or anything around it but it was paved and the snow was untouched in most places.

"Are you into drifting?" I asked before I just jumped right into it.

"I've never tried to do it but its fun," she replied.

"Okay, here we go." I floored it and snow kicked up all around us and we plowed through the lot. I pulled the e-brake and turned the wheel to one side and we were sliding. Being it's an all wheel drive it was harder to make it slide than front wheel or rear, but I knew my baby through and through.

"Oh my god," Bella let out a high pitched noise as we headed straight for a pile of snow; but she was smiling and holding onto the 'oh shit handle' above her.

The car jerked back into a straight position and it came to a standstill.

"That was great," she laughed.

I have never let anyone drive my car before but I couldn't help but offer it to her, "Do you want to try it?" Like it was my way of saying I'm sorry but just in a roundabout way.

"I guess, but I've never drifted before," she was nervous, I could hear the tremble in her voice.

"Hence the empty lot," I gestured out the windshield. "What do you usually do in a car, just drive it?"

"Well that, and I go to Seattle Raceway twice a week and drive as fast as any car will let me take it. So far that's been 185mph." She was damn proud of it too, I could see that.

"Damn, that's pretty fast," I egged her on.

"It is such a thrill; I just can't get enough of it."

We looked into each other's eyes for a moment and I ruined it by talking. "Why didn't you leave a number?"

"What do you mean?" She looked confused momentarily until she realized what and when I was referring to.

She looked away from me and down into her lap where she was fingering the hem of her shirt. "You never came back," she replied softly.

"I did come back, but you had already left." I know she had to hear the pain in my voice. She perked up and I saw the guard again, she wasn't ready to talk about this and I was dying to get it over with.

I saw the forced smile on her face before she even spoke, "Can I drive?" she asked to change the subject.

"Yeah, sure." I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out. The wind was chilly and I thought about her being cold when she stepped out into it. All of my thoughts were solely on her and I couldn't even get her to talk to me. It was killing me. I opened her door for her and she got out without even looking at me.

I got in and buckled up just before she got in the drivers seat. "So what do I do?"

"You want to go fast because it's all wheel drive, and pull the e-brake, but keep the button pushed so you can give it what it needs to slide."

"Okay, here goes," she quoted me from earlier. She started to accelerate and accelerate and accelerate.

"Now turn the wheel and pull the brake halfway," I managed to instruct her. She did and we were sliding sideways.

"Ahh," she screamed and laughed at the same time.

"Now release the brake."

She did as I said and we were still going sideways. There was a big rock that I hadn't noticed and we were headed straight for it. Before I could say anything about it she counter steered and we were headed in the opposite direction.

"Did you see that rock," I asked when we started moving straight again.

"Yeah, that was a close one huh?" she was breathing hard from the thrill and she was smiling uncontrollably.

We headed back to the house, her in the driver's seat and she found a radio station that she wanted to listen to. A song called "Wait For You" came on and she turned it almost instantly, but not before this line carried through the car…

_Why can't you look at me?_

_You're still in love with me?_

_Don't leave me crying._

_Baby why can't we just, just start over again  
Get it back to the way it was._

_If you give me a chance I will love you right_

_Don't tell me it won't be enough._

"You don't like that song?" I asked; most girls love it I thought.

"It's a good song but it just has too much meaning to it, if you know what I mean," she glanced at me quickly before returning her eyes to the road.

I think I did know, because that was the reason I liked it. "I actually met Elliot Yamin while he was on American Idol; he's a cool guy, very down to earth."

"Really?" she asked, an interest sparked in her voice. "Have you seen him since?"

"Oh yeah, he's played at the Rose Garden a few times."

"So…has the fame gone to his head," she giggled as we pulled onto the dirt road.

"No, not at all, except he fixed his teeth," I chuckled. "So he feels more confident about himself."

"Well, I watched him on American Idol and he looked like such a country boy," she smiled; her eyes still in front of her. "But then in the video for that song he looked so…different." We pulled up to the house and there was a rental car in the driveway.

"Looks like Emmett and Rosalie are here," I stated the obvious. I pushed the garage opener on the visor above Bella and she pulled in just after I saw Carlisle looking out the window at her sitting in the front seat.

* * *

_**So they are talking and getting along but that doesn't mean everything is alright and dandy. They both have issues and Bella especially. She has separation anxiety, that was why it was so hard for her when Alice moved out and also why she is having a hard time speaking to Edward or even thinking about what they could be now that they have found each other.**_

_**Thank you sooo very much for your reviews, they totally make me smile and I'm thinking I will put up another chapter this Sunday, that is if I am not loaded down with homework. Thank you to my Beta, Scrimmy...you rock!**_

_**Also, during the part when Edward has a flash back of when Bella taught him how to make a Budweiser frog with his hands, if you follow the instructions you can do it too. I learned it back when I was 10....that's when the Budweiser frogs were popular, they were the significant part of their commercials.**_

_**Looking forward to your reviews....gimme what you got LOL, I'm excited to see how you all are liking their first attempt at discussing what happened.**_

_**Leave me sum luv....lil' button just below**_

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	9. If Only

**If Only**

**_BPOV_**

"You know," I said when I turned the key in the ignition. "She hates it when people call her Rosalie, she prefers Rose."

"Really," his head cocked to one side, "She never mentioned that to me."

"Well, you have been warned."

We got out and before I got to the door he stopped me, "Carlisle might make a big deal about you driving my car. He is the only who drives it besides me and that's only to keep it in shape."

"Oh," was my simple response. "What does that mean?"  
"I don't know, he might bring it up."

"No, I mean…why did you let me drive?" His face fell and a light color spread across his cheeks. "Never mind, forget I asked." I turned and walked through the door because, really, I didn't want to know.

Rose and Emmett were surrounded by everyone and they were all talking animatedly. "Bella, oh my Bella I have missed you so much." Rose came and hugged me and Alice joined her. "It's not the same being away from you guys," she half cried as we hugged each other. I felt the shocking sensation dissipate and it made my body yearn for its return.

"I know, are you coming back to Seattle now that the season is over?" I asked.

"We haven't decided between Portland, Seattle and Chicago. It's still up in the air."

Alice's angry tone of voice shocked us all, "Rosalie Swan, how could you not move back to Seattle?"

"Whoa, calm down pixie lady, I didn't say we made a choice did I?" Sister rivalry at it's finest.

"No, but how could there be a choice." Alice was pulling out the big guns, "You'll be close to us again, Emmett and Jasper will be close and Edward's only a four and half hour drive depending on your speed; what could be better than that?"

"We're having a baby."

There was a gasp from every person in the room and it went silent. "Ahh," Esme's blissful scream ripped through the air and everyone joined in. "I'm going to be a grandma," she celebrated.

"Oh, I'm going to be an auntie," Alice cheered.

"Congratulations you guys," I said. I love kids and I hope to have one someday.

"Thanks Bells," Emmett replied as Rose was being half attacked by Esme and Alice. Over the years Emmett and I have bonded like brother and sister. Same with Jasper and I. They both worry about me and I worry about them, it's a give and take relationship. So when Emmett pulled me to the side, away from the group, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.

"So how are you holding up?" he asked and I knew the only thing he could be referring to would be about Edward.

"How do you know about that?" I asked cautiously.

"Don't be mad at Rose, it was just pillow talk," he informed me. "She told me about your past and it was the same as Edward's; same names same group home. I knew what was going on but I didn't tell her. She doesn't know."

"How long have you known?"

"About two years now, you both always said how much you hated each other so I didn't say anything because I figured it would come out eventually and why make matters worse when they don't have to be."

"He said he hates me? Why would he hate me?" He's the one that never came back. "I waited for him every day until the day the Swan's adopted me."

"Shh," his voice lowered. "I think you should talk to him about this but I'll tell you he did go back and he was devastated that you weren't there." He was the second person to say that to me, well Alice guessed but she's always right so I should have known.

"Well it looks like we were just not meant to know one another were we?" I crossed my arms and stared at him.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Thank you Emmett but there's no need, I'm fine."

"I saw you were driving his Volvo, you know he doesn't let just anyone drive it; except Carlisle," he added.

"Yeah, he told me that." I was a little irritated that Emmett knew for over two years, but I also understood why he never said anything.

We all ate dinner and went our separate ways. "Um, Carlisle," I found him in the kitchen helping Esme with the dishes.

"Yes Isabella," he grabbed a towel and rolled his hands around in it, "What can I do for you?"

"I heard you have a study full of books, I was wondering if it would be okay if I went and snooped around a bit?"  
"Oh please, by all means. The study is across the hall from Edward's room, three doors down. Take all the time you need."

"Thank you, I appreciate it," I was nothing if not polite to the people that were worthy of it.

"You're very welcome, thank you for sharing Christmas with us," he turned back to his wife and took the clean dish from her hand and started drying off with a separate towel.

I walked quietly up the stairs and went directly into the study, clicking the door shut silently behind me. There were three shelves full of books, some were even nestled on top of them. I ran my fingers along the spines of all the books, looking for something that would hold my interest for the remainder of my stay here.

Being around Edward made me feel…lost. I felt like I was 13 again, no motivation to carry on, no hope for the future and my heart; the wound felt like it was being opened, further than it's ever been. I needed something to take my mind off of him, something to keep me busy so he couldn't bother me.

Coming here was probably a mistake that I won't let happen again. He hates me, I hate him, what's the point?

**_EPOV_**

I waited and waited in my room for Bella to walk through the door. It is now one in the morning and she is still not in her intended bed. I don't know what I was waiting for, maybe I just wanted her to be close to me. I could still feel the static running through me so I knew she wasn't far.

I took a chance and opened the door to peek out down the hall. Every light was off, except Carlisle's study.

I tip toed down the hall, something I haven't done in years, and stopped when I reached the door with the illuminating light. I pressed my ear up against the door to try and hear something from the other side. I heard nothing but silence.

I turned the knob slowly and opened it to the point it was going to creak; I remember from when I was younger. I poked my head through and at first I didn't see anyone. I entered the room and that's when I saw her. Bella was sitting, bundled up in a fleece blanket on the chair Carlisle has had in his study since I first arrived. It was oversized and comfortable, one of those love chairs (not to be confused with love seat).

There was a book in her hands lying upside down; she must have fallen asleep reading it. I left her there to rest and went back to my room. I felt better knowing she was still here.

The next morning was Christmas Eve, the night we would give out our gifts. I had gotten everyone something, everyone except Bella. I wasn't sure if I should, being our past is so rocky. So I decided to ask Alice what her thoughts were.

"Hey Jasper, can I steal your fiancé for a quick chat." They were all sitting in the living room, Bella included.

"Sure bro, take her anytime you want," he joked and Alice swatted him on the head.

"Thanks Alice," I told her and she joined me in the foyer.

"What's up Eddy boy," she poked me in the chest and I cringed from her nick name.

"For one, please don't call me that, it sounds like you're referring to a dog," I practically pleaded with her.

"Oh, don't be such a sour puss, it's just a name."

"I have a dilemma," I started, "Tonight we will be giving out our gifts and I wasn't sure if I should get Bella anything. I wanted to get your opinion." God please let Alice help me.

"Anyone likes receiving gifts, but Bella isn't just anyone. If you decide to get her anything make it count because with Bella you don't get second chances." I heard her underlying message and it nearly broke my heart. "You are going to have to work hard to get yours," she smiled genuinely at me, "But trust me, if you play your cards right, you'll get it."

She skipped off back to the living room and just as she did Bella walked in, "What was that about. Oh wait, on second thought, I don't want to know," she giggled feebly.

"Actually, I was wondering if you would be opposed to accepting a Christmas gift from me." She looked at me quizzically, "It won't be anything extravagant or anything important, just something. You know, the thought that counts and all that." I didn't want her to think I was trying to win her over with material objects but I also didn't want her to be the only person I didn't get a gift for.

"Well, I guess it would be okay, I have something for you. Actually, I already had it but it's the thought that counts _right_?" she mocked me not taking her eyes off the glass she was filling from the water dispenser on the fridge.

I was shocked, "Really?" I didn't expect that.

"Yeah, I'm not sure how you'll feel about it so don't get your hopes up." She walked right by me; close enough I could feel her warmth and continued back into the living room. I joined them and we had a lively conversation about our lives and what we did for fun and all of that. It was very informative; until Esme started probing at Bella's childhood.

"I ah…really, I don't mean to offend, but I'd rather not talk about it now, it's not a happy story and _it's_ Christmas." Bella smiled nervously at Esme before looking down at her lap.

"Its okay sweetie, you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. I sometimes pry and I don't even know I'm doing it so don't be afraid to tell me so." Esme is such a wonderful understanding woman and she is very hard to displease.

"Thank you," Bella replied mercifully

"Well, I guess we should get dinner started, we want to get that out of the way so we can move on to the fun part."  
"PRESENTS," Jasper and Emmett both cheered.

"You guys are a couple of little kids," Rose sneered teasingly.

"Who doesn't fucking like presents," Emmett shot back at her.

"Emmett Cullen," Esme barked, "You watch your tongue in front of the ladies."

"What, she's dissing presents. My little man is going to love the shit out of them." He put his hand on Rosalie's belly, that wasn't showing any sign of pregnancy as of yet, and moved his face closer to it, "Wont you little slugger?"

"Your little princess is going to end up with a potty mouth just like her father," the room erupted in laughter, even I couldn't help laughing..

I got up and went to the kitchen, I needed to go into town but I wanted to be sure I wasn't needed before I did. I don't know why, I'm usually a don't-give-a-fuck kind of guy but I had an urge to make this Christmas a good one.

"I have to head into town for some last minute shopping; do you need my help around here before I go?" Esme turned to look at me and so did Carlisle.  
They were both silent for a moment, "I think we're fine, we could use some logs for the fire but I think you, Jasper and Emmett can handle that after dinner," Esme found her voice before Carlisle did.

"Okay, I'll be back in an hour or so." I left without telling anyone else, I didn't want to give anyone the chance to try and tag along. I needed the time to myself and I wasn't going to let anyone take that away from me.

When I got in the car I could smell something, girly smelly shit, and if it wasn't the honey and lilac scent that followed Bella around it would have pissed me off. Instead, it calmed me and I breathed it in heavily.

Chicago was still open for business; the stores were all lit up waiting for the last minute shoppers such as myself. I went into several stores and didn't find squat. I had no clue what to get her, I haven't the slightest clue what the fuck she likes or what the fuck she's into. I was about to say fuck it and just get her a card or some shit but then I came across the perfect gift, well as perfect as it was going to get with what I knew of her now.

I grabbed the item and took it up to the counter, paid the man and headed back to the house.

When I arrived I was just in time for dinner.

**_BPOV_**

I woke up in the morning, still in the chair in Carlisle's study. My neck hurt like hell and my back felt like something had been pushing into it all night. It was early, 6am, and I snuck into Edward's room and into the guest room without waking him up.

The shower felt good, my body was aching from the night's sleep on the chair and the water relieved some of the tension. I felt better today, about being here. I think I doubted my strength last night. Edward seems so different yet the same in so many ways. I know it isn't his fault I started to fall back into the state of mind I was in the last time I was near him like we are now, a room's length between us.

I either needed to get over it, move on or steer clear of him forever. That seemed like an impossibility, what with the weddings, holidays and birthdays; but I could find a way to make it work if that's what needs to be done.

I dressed in the bathroom for fear of him opening one of the two doors that divided us. I made it out of my part of the room silently but stopped when I saw the light breaking through the curtain shinning on Edward's bare back.

My body temperature raised and I'm sure my skin was red when my eyes fell on him. His back was muscular, curved and touchable. I involuntarily licked my lips and caught myself before my mind wandered anywhere else. I b-lined it for the door and stubbed my toe on his bed frame. He stirred but I slipped out and closed the door, hopeful that he didn't notice.

The morning was much better than the previous night, I was actually really enjoying myself and I continued to do so even after Edward came down to join us. When he pulled Alice away from the group I got a little nervous. After about five minutes had passed I got up to get some water and Alice was leaving the kitchen.

She winked at me as she skipped by and I wasn't sure what to make of it.

"What was that about?" I asked Edward when I saw him standing there. I decided I didn't want to know and continued to the water dispenser on the fridge. He asked me if he could give me a Christmas gift and I saw no harm in that. I had something for him, I didn't buy it but it's priceless.

We talked about our lives, memories that were both good and funny. We steered clear of anything remotely depressing and when Esme asked me about my childhood I asked her in the nicest way possible if we could not talk about it. Much to my relief, she agreed and pushed no further.

Edward left shortly after to go into town, undoubtedly, getting my Christmas gift. When Carlisle came out I headed into the kitchen to see if Esme needed a second pair of hands.

"Could you use some help?" I rolled up my sleeves and grabbed the turkey baster. "Here," I plunged it into the juices that surround the bird and let it slide down the sides of the turkey.

"Thank you Bella, that's sweet of you to assist."

"I love to cook and I like to help out," I confessed.

"I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to make you nervous or put you on the spot. I just like to talk and get to know as much as I can about a person. You really cannot judge a book by it's cover. I have learned that the hard way."

We batted, hammered and crushed the cookies, made homemade pies and mashed the potatoes. There was enough food to feed a small village which was good considering Emmett would be involved. I know how he eats; like a wild animal.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked while I was gathering the plates and utensils.

"Shoot," I replied without a second thought.

"Is there something going on between you and Edward? I noticed you drive up in his car yesterday and that's a first." She didn't stop with the turkey as she asked.

I tensed up and forgot how to breathe. "I, ah, no, we were just out driving and I asked him if I could drive. He put up a fight though," I laughed but even I could tell that it was forced.

"You must have, he has never let anyone drive that car…he must trust you." She took the turkey on its way out to the dining room table and I caught my breath while she exited the room.

Edward arrived just as I was setting the table and he looked to be empty handed. That was fine with me. I didn't expect nor did I want anything from him.

"Okay, you boys go out and find us some logs to burn in the fire while us girls clean up." Esme stood and headed toward the kitchen taking her plate with her. We all followed and started on our assignments.

Half hour later the boys were back and a log was crackling in the fire place. We all got comfortable in the living room in front of the tree. Somehow I ended up on the opposite side of the room as Edward and for some reason it really frustrated me. I wanted him to be closer, for reasons unknown to me but I know that's what I wanted.

"So," Edward started after all the presents were passed out and opened on the floor, wrapping paper strewn about. "I don't really know much about you, so I had a hard time finding you a gift, but I got you one anyways." He held his hand out with a floppy wrapped flat present occupying it.

"Thank you," I blushed as I took it from his hand. I peeled the tape off, careful to not rip it and inside was a sticker. I laughed out loud when I read it.

SNOWBUNNY DRIFTER, it had a little pink bunny skidding around in the snow on its big feet. For some reason it really pulled at my heartstrings. It was very sweet and sentimental.

Now it was my turn.

"Okay, so this is going to be quite the experience," I said mostly to myself but I know everyone heard me. I looked at Carlisle and Esme when I spoke clearly. "I don't know how much you know about me or if you remember at all but I knew Edward in the group home back in Forks Washington. I was there with him when you adopted him." Esme's mouth fell open.

"You're Bella? I knew I recognized you from somewhere." She sounded stunned, which I was prepared for.

"Yeah, and while Edward was there," I swallowed loudly to keep back my emotions, another thing I have perfected over the years. "We grew very close. Before he left he gave me something." I held the little box in my hand and directed toward Edward who stood quick on his feet and accepted it. "I want you to have it back because I know how much it meant to you."

I saw the glee in his eyes when he looked at me, clutching the box in his hands. He ripped the paper off without taking his eyes away from mine until the paper was sufficiently removed; his gaze fell to the opened box. He pulled out the locket I have held in my hands countless times over the last 10 years, and the box fell to the floor.

* * *

**_So first of all, I'm sorry if the story seems like it is taking forever, but that's just how it is. I do believe in happy endings and Bella and Edward being together, but I also believe in hardship and growing as a person. I hope you can stick with me until it is done. I don't want to lose your interest but I promise good stuff is coming in the very near future chapters._**

**_Thanks to everyone who left a review on the last chapter. I feel terrible that I can't reply to everyone but taking three online courses and a class on campus really takes up some time. Add in the kids, the boyfriend and the dogs, I have no time to do anything. I read everyone of the reviews and I smile when I see one on my phone. I know I've said that many a times but it's true._**

**_Thanks to Beta Scrimmy, I appreciate everything you do to make it easier for me to post. If only you could send out my emails on TTs because it is the most tidius thing ever._**

**_So they aren't together still and it's going to be a few chapters. I think I just sent Scrimmy chapter 14 and they are almost there. So I believe chapter 16 will be it. But don't let that deter you, there is still a lot of fun to be had in the future chapters....one includes a bar fight, and another includes the first kiss. Actually, that might be the same chapter, haha...._**

**_Please leave me sum luv....lil' button just below_**

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	10. Love Actually

**Love Actually**

**_EPOV_**

Every present I received did not amount to a tenth of the happiness Bella's gift brought to me. My mother's locket, the picture of me still snug in its spot where it has been since my mother gave it to me. I gave it to Bella so she would know I would be back. I wouldn't leave it behind because it was the only thing left to remind me of where I came from.

* * *

"_Take it Bella," she wouldn't accept it, she just kept crying. "Bella, you know how much this means to me. I would not leave it here with you if I didn't intend on getting it back." She still cried._

_I lifted her off the couch she was seated on, waiting while I got my things to leave with the good doctor and his wife, and took her snuggly into my arms. "What did we do wrong?" she whimpered. "Why does this have to happen?"_

"_We didn't do anything Bella, it's these fuckers tearing us apart," I said it loud enough so everyone could hear me._

"_This sucks," she sniveled. "It really, really fucking sucks." Bella didn't curse, it wasn't her style, only when she was really pissed or really hurt. I didn't have to guess which time it was; I was feeling it, too. _

"_I know but Bella," I made her look at me; her blood shot eyes tore into me like a stake to my heart. "I will be back for you, this locket proves that." I slid it into her hand and clenched her fist for her. I squeezed her to me, praying and hoping to god it wasn't going to be the last time and kissed her head. That's all I ever had the balls to do, I never could express my feelings well._

_Having a dead beat for a father and a push over for a mother, there wasn't a lot of emotional expression during my upbringing. _

* * *

"You've had this all these years?" There were tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat but I didn't care. Bella had kept my locket for almost 10 years; still in the same condition I left it in.

"I couldn't throw it away if that's what you mean," she said, "It's too sentimental and holds too many memories." Every pair of eyes in that room were on her and she was handling it beautifully.

"Thank you Bella," I breathed and the tear that was teetering on the edge fell and I exited the room swiftly. I had to get out of there before anyone noticed, especially my brothers, I would never hear the end of it.

I cried; I mean really cried in my room on my bed, clutching the locket in my closed fist close against my chest. I figured it was gone forever, even when I saw her and talked to her over the phone the thought never crossed my mind to ask her if she still had it.

I lay there for what felt like hours, letting all of the memories of Bella consume me. I never did this, not once did I let them flow freely without caution. I hadn't forgotten anything; it was all still fresh in my mind.

I was just about to fall asleep, having cried myself to fatigue, when the door creaked open and I heard the sound of feather light footsteps heading toward the guest room.

"Bella," I said through the dark.

"Oh shit," then there was a loud banging noise and I jumped up out of bed, leaving the locket there on my sheets. My eyes were adjusted to the dark and I could see what happened.

Bella ran right into my dresser, I mean right into it and fell to the floor. "Let me help you," I reached down for her and she let me pull her up by wrapping her hand around mine. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just a little clumsy," she chuckled nervously. "How are you doing? I didn't think it would be that hard on you or I would have given it to you privately, I'm sorry."

"Please don't be, I couldn't be happier. I thought I'd never see it again."

"Okay, well, thank you for letting me hold on to it, I'll be going to bed now." She started for the double doors but I wasn't done with her yet. There was one thing I needed to do, something I've wanted to do since the airport.

My hand found hers in the dark and before she could object I pulled her close to me, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and I just hugged her. I can't even remember the last time I hugged a woman that wasn't Esme. I had forgotten how good it could feel to really want that person to be happy, to be safe and want to hug you back.

It totally sucked.

Until she hugged me back.

She wrapped her little arms around my waist and held me tight against her. Her head rested against my chest and she felt so fucking right in my arms. I could tell she was being safe, she wasn't letting herself feel, but I knew she had to feel this.

I held on tight; prepared to hold on forever if she would allow me the pleasure. But of course that wasn't going to happen and too soon her grip fell.

"I have to get some sleep," she said when she released me.

"Can we talk tomorrow?" The words came out before I even thought about them.

"Yeah, we can talk," she went through her door and as she went to shut them I saw, by the light of the moon, the tears falling from her eyes.

**_BPOV_**

The moment Edward left the room I could feel everyone gawking at me. Alice was shocked as was Rose, Emmett and Jasper were stunned stupid and Carlisle and Esme looked heartbroken.

"Bella, wow, this is just…wow," Alice couldn't find the words. I didn't blame her.

"I know that probably wasn't the best way to tell you," I said to Carlisle and Esme in an attempt to explain what just happened. "But the gift wouldn't have made sense to anyone if I hadn't."

"I can't believe it's you," Esme finally spoke, "You have no idea what that boy has gone through since we brought him here." She almost seemed mad, a mother's wrath see's no mercy.

"Oh, I think I do," I chuckled nervously.

"Do you? Can you really consider how much that affected him and not just yourself?" maybe it wasn't anger; persistence was probably a better word for it.

"I can, but it still doesn't change anything, it doesn't make it go away; nothing ever will." I looked down at my lap and suddenly felt like I wasn't welcome any more. That definitely wasn't what I was expecting.

"Forgive me Bella, I do not mean to be rude, I just hated to see him so torn, so broken. He let you drive his car sweetie, he still cares about you; always has."

"Last I heard he hated me," I glanced at Emmett and he faux smiled.

"Oh no dear, god no. He hated that you weren't here, that he couldn't find you, that he had to live with breaking the promise he made to you and there was nothing he could do to fix it." She was definitely fighting for her son and I admired her for it.

"Things don't change overnight and my wounds won't heal easily. I have been through a lot too and I don't forget." I got up and headed toward the stairs.

Esme was right behind me. "Bella talk to him, please. I think you'll like what you find."

"We planned on talking and I still plan on it. Thank you for the gifts but I think I'm ready for bed."

"Thank you." She left me on the stairs and I continued to the room.

I tried to be covert like this morning but he scared the crap out of me when he said my name and I ran right into his dresser. After making a complete fool of myself and having him help me up I headed to the double doors but something stopped me. A shock ran through me as his hand gripped mine and he pulled me to him.

For a moment I fought with myself against my needs and my wants. I NEED to get out of the situation I was in for my own sanity and emotions. I WANTED to be right where I was, in the arms of the only man I have ever loved.

My wants won in the end and I returned the hug that I wanted so badly for so long. The longer it went on the more it felt right, I never wanted to let go. I had a feeling he felt the same so I was the one to let go first.

With tears rolling down my cheeks and my mind spinning in so many different directions, I left him standing there and retired to my room.

For the third time and second night I woke up from a dreamless sleep. I'd gotten more sleep in the last three days than I would in any given week. It was refreshing but it also made me groggy when I woke up.

I headed straight for the bathroom and when it opened right up I did not expect to see Edward standing at the sink brushing his teeth with a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," I held my hand up to cover my eyes and closed the door snuggly as I darted back to my bed and threw the covers over me. I didn't see anything besides his back side but damn did he look good.

***************  
After I showered and got dressed my phone rang on the dresser and it was Renée.

"_Merry Christmas sweetie, how are things_?"

"As good as they can be considering the circumstances," I shrugged even though she couldn't see it.

"_How so? Did something happen_?"

"Well, it turns out some higher power hates me," I plopped down on the bed and prepared for the water works that were coming.

"_Nobody hates you Bella_."

"Edward does, did you know that he's Emmett and Jasper's brother. Yeah, Edward from my nightmares is Emmett and Jasper's brother. Carlisle and Esme are the couple that adopted him."  
"_What? Is he there now_?"

"Yes, and he wants to talk about what happened but I don't think I can."

"_Is he coming here_?"

"No, I don't think so, I hope he doesn't. It's so hard to be around him and act like nothing happened because something did happen and it's been haunting me for the last decade."  
"_Maybe it's been haunting him too; maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him_."  
I sniffed my emotions back and took a deep choppy breath. "I know but I don't know what's going on in his head, what if we do talk and then he leaves…again? I can't let there be that possibility, I just can't take that kind of pain again. It's ruined my life."

"_Did he come to you and ask to talk_?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything."

"_Have you been having the dreams_?"

"No, I haven't had one since the flight from Vegas, which he sat right next to me and I haven't any night since. What is wrong with me?" I lost my control for a moment, we were touching on a sensitive subject.

"_Nothing is wrong with you Bella, I think somehow you're avoiding fate and it's taking more action. You shouldn't just shrug it off; you should see where it takes you. You only live once Bella and you should do your part in making the best of it. Or you could avoid it entirely and continue living unhappy and alone_."

"I have to go; I'll call you later after my life gets ruined all over again." I hung up before anything else could be said that would make me feel smaller than I already felt. I was startled by a light knock on my door and then I heard Edward's voice. It ripped through me, opening the wound completely all over again, knowing what I was about to do.

I couldn't do this, all the hard work I'd put in over the years all lead up to this and it was weighing me down, I couldn't stay afloat any longer.

It was harder than I thought but I did it, I told him I had to go and that I forgave him. I felt horrible for not giving him the closure I'm sure he desperately needed, but it wasn't about him.

Alice was ready at the entrance to the Kitchen with car keys in her hand. Renée called me, "Are you sure this is what you want to do?"

"Yes," I looked into the kitchen and saw all the faces looking back at me. "I'm very sorry if I've ruined your Christmas breakfast and I really appreciate the gifts but I'm not this strong person. I can't deal with this and I know it's the easy way out but for now, it's my only option."  
"You haven't ruined anything," Esme left the table and stood in front of me. "Do what you think needs to be done, but you are part of this family now whether you accept it or not." She gave me a hug and returned to her seat.

'Thank you."

I headed out the door not saying another word. Rose and Emmett were coming to Seattle after Forks to visit and look for a house so I would see them again soon enough.

Alice argued with me the whole drive down to the airport, I tried to tune her out because I knew deep down that what she was saying was true, but I wasn't ready for any of this. I needed more time.

**_EPOV_**

I woke up with mixed emotions about the day ahead of me. It wasn't because it was Christmas and it wasn't because everyone in the house knew mine and Bella's business and it definitely wasn't because Esme always makes the best Christmas breakfast.

Bella had agreed to talk to me today about our past, the present and the future.

On my way to the shower I saw Bella sleeping, she looked so peaceful and calm; I wish I could sleep like that. The shower was nice, refreshing and the hot water felt great against my skin. While brushing my teeth Bella walked in and the moment she realized I was standing there with a towel wrapped around my waist, the pink that I used to make fun of her for, that now only made her more stunning covered her cheeks and she adverted her eyes.

I wanted to tell her it was fine, it's not like she saw anything, but she left and shut the door before I had the chance.

I looked for her when I exited the bathroom and I noticed she was completely immersed under her blanket.

"I'm so sorry Edward, I wasn't thinking straight. I should have knocked," she apologized from under the covers.

"No need, nothing was seen, it's all good. I'll be in my room changing so you're free to do as you please." I smiled as I exited the room. I could hear her moments later moving around and rummaging through her belongings then she went to the bathroom.

I had an urge to go and look around in her room, just look not touch, but I didn't do it. Instead I headed downstairs and bacon and eggs filled me and suddenly I was ravenous.

"Good morning," Esme and Carlisle were the only ones up and they were both preparing Esme's Christmas breakfast.

"Merry Christmas," Esme was a big Christmas fan, she did the caroling thing every year with a group of her friends, and it was just a really good time of year for her.

"Yeah, it is Merry isn't it?" I took my seat at the bar and snatched a piece of bacon off its tray before Esme could stop me, "Mmm."

"Edward Anthony, you eat when everyone else eats," she scolded me teasingly. I don't have one memory of Esme being angry, I mean really angry with me.

"I know, I'm just testing it," I laughed.

Her face fell and she looked serious, "How are you handling things?" she asked under her breath.

"Oh, you mean with Bella being here?" she shook her head, "Better than I expected."

"She seems hurt Edward; have you two talked about what happened?" She was always worried about me, more than Emmett and Jasper, but that was okay with me.

"A little, we're going to talk more today," I said nonchalantly.

"That's good, I feel terrible that we didn't send you back there sooner. I feel responsible."

"No, don't, it isn't your fault at all." She had to know that she has been wonderful to me the entire time; I just didn't notice it sooner.

"Well, I hope you work out whatever it is that needs to be worked out, I hate seeing you so miserable and you seem happier. Is it because of her?" She asked under her breath again.

"I don't know, well find out." I hope.

Alice and Jasper came down not long after I started setting the table and Rose and Emmett after them. Everyone sat down and Bella was nowhere in sight. "I'll be right back," I exited the room and started ascending the stairs, two at a time. I could hear something muffled and my pace faltered.

The door to my old room was cracked open and I could make out the sound of soft sobs coming from the guest room. I went in, not knowing exactly what I was going to say or what I was going to do but I had to do something.

Hearing her cry was like a knife to my heart, it felt the same as it did back then.

I stopped in mid step right before I reached her door because I realized she was on the phone.

"_No, I don't think so, I hope he doesn't. It's so hard to be around him and act like nothing happened because something did happen and it's been haunting me for the last decade." _She sniffled and took a deep choppy breath, "_I know but I don't know what's going on in his head, what if we do talk and then he leaves…again? I can't let there be that possibility, I just can't take that kind of pain again. It's ruined my life._"

"_Yes_," she answered a question directed at her. "_I guess but that doesn't mean anything."_

"_No, I haven't had one since the flight from Vegas, where he sat right next to me._"

"_What is wrong with me?_" She broke down and on the inside,so did I.

"_I have to go, I'll call you later after my life gets ruined all over again_," I heard her phone snap shut and the covers on the bed being ruffled. She exhaled heavily, "You can do this," she whispered to herself.

I knocked on the door, "You coming down?"

She cleared her throat, "Um, yeah, I'll be down in a minute."

"Okay, we'll wait for you." I headed back toward my door and I heard the door open behind me.

"No need, I'm coming." When I looked at her she shielded her face from me and I wanted so bad to comfort her.

"Is everything alright?" I chanced.

Her hands dropped to her sides and she looked up at me with the most devastating expression. Her eyes were blood shot, her lips turned into a small frown and her cheeks were painted pink. "No Edward, everything is not alright." She sat down on the edge of my bed and her head fell into her hands. "You can't just show up one day and expect things to work out like you want them to."

I got down on my knees and tried to comfort her the best way that I could. "I don't expect things to go exactly as planned, " I went with a calm and understanding approach.

"Stop being so calm about this," her head shot out of her hands and her eyes were fierce looking into mine. "Ten years Edward, ten very long years wasted because I couldn't let go." Her eyes fell to her knees and her voice was softer. "I was almost there, I could feel it, it was within my reach and then." Her tone changed, "Here you come back into my life and act like nothing ever happened."

"No, no I know what happened," I caught her attention with my eyes and she had her guard up, but it was weak, I could sense it. "I know it won't be fucking easy but I want to try and put it behind us. I did not mean to leave you there Bella; I had every intention of going back and finding you _there_. I did not leave you on my own accord…I never would have left if it was up to me."

"I can't do this, it's too much." She stood up and walked back through the double doors.

"You have to eat something Bella," I stood to follow her and when I got to the door she had her bags in hand.

"I'm leaving, I'm going to Forks early so I can see Charlie and Renée before you and everyone else arrives."

"Wait, your leaving, now, what about our talk?" she started pressing past me and stopped right next to me.

"You didn't intend on leaving me, I had no way of knowing that and I didn't leave you any clue as to where I was. That's the story what else is there?" her eyes were steady on mine as she waited for my response.

I couldn't help the anger that coursed through me, "How about what the fuck we both went through over the last 10 years, it might help to know that we were both having issues."

"Do you forgive me?" she asked.

"Yes, but I want to fucking talk about this," I was panicking, she was leaving I wasn't going to get my chance and I wasn't going to get my talk.

"I forgive you Edward, it's time we move on," she started towards the door, her rolling bag close behind her. I stopped her, one last chance to say what I needed to say.

"What if I don't want to move on?"

"It isn't only about what you want. Thank you for the gift Edward," then she walked out the door.

**_BPOV_**

I arrived in Forks later that night and was beyond happy to see Charlie and Renée. They were my safe haven; I knew they would never leave me, the only people I could say that about and know wholeheartedly that it was true.

We talked about Edward, I really didn't want to but she dug it out of me. I cried a lot and Renée comforted me the best way that she could. I told her how I really felt.

I wanted to start over with Edward; I wanted to see if there was something more there than just my own insecurities. The hole in my heart was open now and there wasn't going to be any healing anytime soon.

Renée said I should talk to him; at least give him something if I don't want anything. He deserves that much; I don't think I'm capable of doing that.  
"How long are you staying?" she asked when we sat on the floor in front of the fire place; hot chocolate in our hands.

"They'll be here tomorrow around three and I'll be leaving at around 10 am…I just can't stand up to him right now. I know where he is, I have his number. I'll call him when I'm ready to talk."

"Maybe you should tell him so he doesn't get the wrong impression," Renée always thinking on the bright side.

"Yeah, maybe I should," I took sip of my cocoa and got up.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to call him," I walked out of the front room and followed the stairs up to my old room which was now a study. I had my phone set right to his contact information but my finger lingered over the call button. I almost pushed it but instead I pushed the send sms button; yes I am chicken.

_Sorry about not keeping my word, I panicked and I know I cannot handle this kind of pressure right now. Please forgive me and we'll talk soon.-B_

I sent the message and sat down in the office chair. The computer illuminated to life and what I did next was strictly by impulse.

I navigated the mouse to the search engine and went straight to Google. I typed in Edward Cullen and pressed search. There were picture images available and other articles, so I clicked on the first link. It was his MySpace page. The first thing I noticed was his profile name, FuNk Me RiGhT. I scrolled down and his friends list was even more revealing.

The first few were some celebrities, musicians by the looks of them. All the others were girls with very revealing clothing, something I found to be a bit offending. In the section where it asked you to list your hero's the answer confused me to the point I had to sign in to my account and send him a message. It was odd how I thought of this person every day of my life for the last ten years and dreamt of him too, and now he's here in the flesh yet I push him away still. Something is wrong with me.

I know exactly what's wrong with me…I'm afraid; afraid of rejection, afraid of being abandoned and afraid to open my heart to him for the second time and have history repeat itself.

In love, but incapable of love; how ironic.

* * *

**_Oh, please stick with me....just to give you some incentive to stay and find out what happens....my beta just received the chapter that includes my very first lemony lemon. No Smut...I can hardly read smut with blushing so no way in heck I can write it haha. I had a hard time writing what I did....but I want you all to know there is good times to be had in the future and I really want to get there. I won't say which chapter it is but it's after chapter 15....that's all I'm saying you won't get any more out of me...my lips are sealed._**

**_Also, there has been no talk of Edward's past and it will come up soon. Just so you know._**

**_Thank you Scrimmy (My totally awesome Beta for SH) she told me you all will love the lemon and will forgive me for the wait when it comes....I really hope so._**

**_Sorry if it seems like each chapter is the same thing over and over again, but our fav couple have issues in this story that need to be worked out._**

**_Thanks so much for your reviews....over 200 whooo go me....thanks in whole to y'all for taking the time to leave me your love....._**

**_Don't stop now....leave me sum luv...lil' button just below_**

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	11. When a Man Loves a Woman

**10. When a Man Loves a Woman**

**_EPOV_**

She left; I didn't think anything could be worse than leaving her but her leaving me was definitely heartbreaking. I didn't even go down for breakfast; I just sat on my bed trying to pull myself together. She was right there, standing right in front of me. How the emptiness felt so wrong I could not say but it was devouring me slowly.

I called the airline and had them change my flight so I could return home early. It cost a pretty penny but I didn't give a shit; I wanted to wallow in my own self pity alone. I didn't want anyone's pity and I didn't want to hear their whispers behind my back.

I stayed in Carlisle's study most of the day, waiting for my flight and sitting in the chair that last held Bella. Her scent still lingered, honey and lilacs and I let its effect on me go wild. The computer was up and the login screen was on for MySpace, I hadn't checked mine in a while. I grew out of it after two years of teenybopper and homosexual advances. There were more of those than anything even remotely appealing.

I had 102 messages in my inbox, 47 people wanted to be my friend, 117 people had replied to my status update that read; _Going to club trio tonight…holla at cha boi_. Yeah, the last three months have had their toll on my social life.

I went and looked at my profile page and all the information on it was from three months prior. So much has changed since then. I went through and fixed it. I changed my interests to _piano and music in general_. Before, it was _parties and women_. I changed my movies to _action and horror_ because I couldn't watch anything but. Before it was _depends on my mood, anything really_. I also changed my about me to say _Just ask_. It was a big long drawn out run on sentence before. I didn't feel like being funny anymore.

When I came to the section titled _Hero's_ I read what I had written before and it was actually really sad. _I am my own hero because there is nobody better than me_. It was snide and conceded when you read it but really, I have no hero's. It's only been me, my father a drunken abuser and my mother a pushover. Can't find a hero in there! Nothing.

So I changed it to something simple yet meaningful to me. _Hero's don't exist so what's the point? I thought I had a hero once, turns out it's not even important enough to talk about_.

After that I logged out and told myself I wasn't going to subject myself to MySpace. What was the point? The only reason you even get a MySpace is to keep in touch with friends or meet people. I didn't want to do either of those things.

After flying home, my apartment was uninviting when I walked in, not like I expected. I was looking for solace, but it eluded me.

The remainder of my time off was spent in my living room. I didn't answer the door or the phone the entire time. I didn't want anyone to see me like this; I felt 14 years old again. Deep down I knew it shouldn't get to me like it was but the feeling was so unexplainable: like I was empty.

I didn't feel it before because I was pushing it away, I fought against it. When she was back in my life for that short amount of time, the feeling was void. The problem was resolved for the moment, but when it came back it came back hard with a vengeance.

Real life did return and I had to go back to work. The job I have been hoping for was now mine. I wasn't going to let this depression take that from me. So I threw all of my emotions into work; I was professional when I needed to be, hospitable when necessary, cunning at times and entertaining when the situation called for it.

It went on like that for weeks; like I was a walking shell. I did what people expected of me when I was out and about, but when I was home I let my emotions and feelings swallow me. There was nothing more to do. The most important thing to me was taken away for the second time in my life. Ironically; that thing is one and the same and it was never really mine at all.

* * *

"I'm not calling her Jasper," I yelled over the phone. He'd called me to tell me that he was coming into Portland on business but he also wanted me to hook him up with tickets to see whatever was scheduled for that weekend.

After I'd told him yes he decided to bring up the one person I was trying desperately not to think about and failing miserably.

"Edward, she isn't the type of woman that has the initiative or the self confidence to make the first move. She's scared, she's only seen people leave her until the Swan's and—as bad is it sucks—you are one of those very people. You're going to have to fight and fight hard to get her to trust you again." All knowing Jasper has come out to play.

"It isn't like I wasn't hurt; I didn't have the rosy red childhood either. Why should I have to do all the work?"

"If you want to be with her as much as we all know you do, then you'll make the effort. Until you can figure that out for yourself, she'll be trying to find the man of her dreams and fail just as miserably as you will when you search for the woman of yours."

"Stop with the psycho babble bull shit Jazz; if she wants to fucking talk to me, she knows how to get in touch with me." I slammed my phone shut and threw it at the couch. I'd had enough of this, I wasn't sleeping well, the dreams haven't wavered since seeing her face; if anything, they were better.

What I mean by better, is even more depressing than before. It was now Adult Bella, before seeing her it was 13 year old Bella, now it is Bella in all her beautiful, captivating, mature adult glory. Much more depressing.

When I looked into what was booked that weekend I laughed out loud because Jasper and Alice—and their mystery guest—were going to be at a SlipKnot concert. I was overjoyed to be doing him this favor. He and Alice were far from SlipKnot fans, anything but actually. Teaches him to keep his nose out of other people's business. I chuckled to myself..

I thought about how many tickets he's asked for, why did he need three? Could it be that Bella is coming along? I didn't want to get my hopes up so I stopped that thought before it could get any further.

I finally decided it was time to eat, of course Top Ramen isn't the healthiest of options but it isn't the worst either. I had just put my bowl in the microwave when my phone rang and I figured it would be Jasper, all I saw was the 207 area code.

I didn't answer it; I wasn't up to more of his conversations and psychoanalysis. Then the alert went off that notifies me of a text message. I didn't check that either; figured people would have gotten the hint by now.

The microwave dinged and I grabbed my bowl and made my way to the couch, where I have been spending all of my time outside of work. It was comfortable and made for easy access to all of my needs.

After a while of thumbing through the channels and discovering that nothing was on that held my interest I grabbed my phone and the missed call icon said that it was Bella.

My heart started to thump loudly in my chest and my palms became sweaty and I was agitated as the anger and regret of not answering my phone came crashing down on me.

I had a text message so I navigated to that quickly and in the list of messages received it said Bella in bold highlighted letters; it was unread. I clicked on it and this is what I saw.

_I don't blame you for not answering my phone call but I needed to talk to you. I wasn't going to call at all to be honest, but Jasper practically forced me to d-B_

I had to go back to the list and navigate to the next message that read Bella.

_O it. I was going to wait to talk to you until Friday when we come down or Saturday…whatever was going to be better for you. If you don't want to talk anymore-B_

_, like it seems, I will understand. I've been foolish to make you wait and it was wrong of me to go back on my promise. But I'd like to make it up to you over lunch o-B_

_R dinner or even breakfast, whichever you prefer, it's on me.-B_

I looked at the time on my phone and the time I received the message, 45 minutes ago. So many things I wanted to say to her but not like this, not over a text message. So this is what I said instead.

_See you Friday night.-E_

**_BPOV_**

Every day I wanted to dial his number but every day I talked myself out of it. If he couldn't even respond to a message through MySpace that must mean he didn't want to talk to me. I had worked so hard at protecting myself and I didn't want to throw 10 years of hard work away only to have a few days, or even months of time with him before he left again.

That's all I could think about. I knew that if I gave him the chance we both wanted him to have; I would fall hard and fast. He was already the only person that caused my heart to flutter, my pulse to quicken and yes, I'll admit, my panties to dampen. If you could see him; hear his sultry voice, yours would be too.

I was torn; happiness that may only last for so long or the misery-like state I have been in since the event that changed everything.

"Why can't I just wait to talk to him?" Jasper was trying like hell to get me to call Edward and tell him that we could talk when we went to Portland later this week.

"Wouldn't you want to know? Plus, it'll make him anxious to see you. He'll be thinking about it all week." Jasper had a point.

"Maybe," I replied.

"Screw maybe Bella, as Emmett would say "just do it"," he tried to quote him but it wasn't quite right.

"You mean "be like Nike and just do it"," I corrected him.

"Stop trying to change the subject Bells, call him." He shoved my hand towards me; the hand that was holding my cell phone.

"I'm not calling him now, no way." I put my phone in my coat pocket. Summer time in Seattle is still cold and windy at times; today was one of those days.

"Well, you'll call him before we go, promise," he eyed me suspiciously and I nodded my head.

Wednesday night rolled around and I decided on a whim to call him. I didn't think about what I was going to say or what he might say…I just did it.

No answer, which actually didn't surprise me.

I started to write out a text message and I told myself it wouldn't be a long one, but what came out was three whole messages.

I sent them and waited for a response. I waited and waited and got nothing. Almost an hour and still nothing, until finally my phone vibrated and I jumped almost to the ceiling.

_See you Friday night.-E_

A small smile crept onto my face and I handled my phone with care. I wanted to hug it and hold it close to me but I refrained from feeling like a crazy person, sitting in the diner by myself.

I was waiting for Alice, Jasper, Rose and Emmett to meet me here. Something we do every Wednesday night so we don't lose track of each other. Especially Rose, who is now five months pregnant.

She's showing and it's really sweet how Emmett treats her.

Alice and Jasper arrived first and took their seats across from me. "Hi Bella, how was your day?" Alice asked in her whimsical voice.

"Same old thing," I replied dryly.

"Did you call Edward yet," Jasper asked first thing.

"God Jasper, are you like the match maker or something?" I seethed; half teasing.

"No, but I can see how much you both want to talk and at least give it a try, I want you both to be happy. I've never seen Edward truly happy so that's something I can't wait to witness," he chuckled.

"Fuck you Jasper," I half joked, but I was serious too.

"Oh, you'll both be thanking me, just wait."

Rose and Emmett entered the diner and they were two people that no one could miss. Emmett's booming laugh carried through the rooms of tables and people and Rose's followed right behind. They were always laughing and having a good time. They were also always looking at each other like one couldn't live without the other. It was sickly sweet to say the least, or maybe it just seemed that way to empty, lonely people like me..

Friday came and on our drive down to Portland, which we road in Jasper's Avalanche because it was comfortable for the four hour ride; I got a message from Edward.

_Are we still on for tonight?-E_

I'd been sure since I told him but now that we were on our way my stomach started to do flips. Or maybe it was car sickness; I couldn't be sure.

_Yes, of course, we're on our way now. Jazz says we should be there in an hour and a half. Have you decided where you want to eat?-B_

_I was hoping you would choose, I'm not sure what you like now-a-days so I didn't decide on anything.-E_

_Wherever you want to go is fine by me, I'm not so picky anymore, I'll try anything at least once.-B_

_I'll have a place picked out before you get here. Did Jasper decide on staying at my place or getting a hotel?-E_

My head snapped up from my phone and I leaned forward between Alice and Jasper. "You never mentioned we were staying at Edwards; why would you keep that from me?" I shot a look at him.

"Whoa, who said we were staying at Edward's, I never decided on that?"

"Edward just asked if you decided on a hotel or his place."

"So you're texting Edward," Alice's tone was contemplative, "I was wondering," she added under her breath.

"That isn't the issue right now, are you staying at Edward's or not?" I pushed.

"What do you want to do?" he asked me.

"I want to stay in a hotel; I'm not staying at his place. I don't even want to see his place." I tried to imagine being in his house, seeing his personal belongings and standing in his bedroom. I couldn't and I shook it out of my head. That would only feed fuel to my already too vivid dreams.

"Okay, calm down drama queen," he laughed at his insult and I seethed quietly in the back seat the rest of the way to Portland. I never answered Edward's question but I thought about it until we pulled into the Marriott Hotel, which apparently was only four blocks from Edward's apartment.

I checked in and Alice and Jasper decided they would stay at Edward's place to keep him company for the couple of days we would be here. I didn't complain; it wasn't like we'd be sharing a room anyway.

I had just sat my stuff down on the bed when my phone vibrated.

_When should I pick you up?-E_

_Whenever you're ready.-B_

I hopped in the shower to rinse off and freshen up before going to whatever fancy restaurant he had decided on. I had my towel wrapped around me and my hair tied up in another when the phone rang to my room.

I stumbled out the door and grabbed the phone mid ring, "Hello."  
"Bella, why aren't you answering Edward's texts? Please DON'T tell me you changed your mind?" Alice said on the other end.

"No, I was just in the shower, I'll check my phone."

"Okay, you better," she replied. "He's having a panic attack as we speak," she informed me.

"I have to get off the phone to reply Alice." We said goodbye, I found my phone and I looked over the messages.

_I'm ready now…is now okay?-E_

_I take that as a no then?-E_

_If you changed your mind, I understand. I'm nervous too. This is big, for both of us and I won't begrudge you your right to change your mind. But I really hope you didn't.-E_

I smiled at his sweetness and his way of understanding and replied.

* * *

I was ready to go and Edward was waiting downstairs in the lobby. I double checked myself in the mirror, and then headed out the door. The elevator music just made me more nervous and when I stepped out the doors I spotted him right away.

He wasn't facing me but I knew it was him, that feeling came over me and it seemed to be directed towards or from him. I never did understand that, what it could mean, but I let it pull me toward him.

He was leaning smoothly against a pillar, his hands in his pockets and he was looking away from the counter beside him. A really nice looking girl that stood behind the counter was ogling him. I think I even saw her lick her lips.

She tapped the girl next to her and brought Edward to her attention. She looked at him the same way and I quickened my pace. I tapped him on the shoulder and he spun around so fast he almost fell down the flight of stairs that were preceding him.

"Oh shit," he balanced himself and smiled at me when our eyes met. "Sorry, you caught me off guard."

"It's okay, you ready?" I was ready to get out of here; to not give the girls behind the counter the pleasure any longer.

"Yeah, after you."

He waved his hand in front of him and I started descending the stairs.

**_EPOV_**

I started to panic when Bella didn't respond to my third text. I really hope she didn't change her mind. I didn't care that Jasper and Alice were witnessing my outburst, they knew our past so what was the point in hiding my feelings?

45 minutes had passed and still nothing, I was sure I wasn't going to hear from her at all.

My hopes were dashed along with the light feeling I have had since Alice and Jasper arrived; confirming she was in the city.

When my phone vibrated, a shiver ran through me and my hands started to shake. I navigated to the message I'd received and read Bella's name out loud in a whisper.

_I haven't changed my mind, I would never do that to you twice and I've already done it once so…I'm ready when you are.-B_

My heart practically leapt out of my throat it was pounding so fast. I threw my coat on over my grey button up and dashed towards the door.

"Did she message you?" Alice asked as I fled past the living room. I didn't stop to answer her I just yelled I'd be back and sprinted down the hall to the elevator.

_Now is good, I'm heading out. Should I message you when I get there?-E_

I sprinted from the elevator, squeezing through the doors as they opened. "Have a good night Mr. Cullen," James, the security guard said when I passed by him.

"Yeah, I will, thanks." I ran through the double doors that lead out to the street and found my car sitting right out front where I'd left it. I knew exactly where the Marriott was; I'd been there many times before for reasons I don't want to think about.

I sent her a text when I pulled up to the front of the hotel. I got out and told the valet I'd be right back and he nodded his head to me. I stood against a pole close to the front desk and the women there kept staring at me. They must remember seeing me here, but that was so long ago. Over 8 months it's been since I escorted a woman. Since finding out Bella is Alice and Rosalie's adopted sister, since I saw her standing in front of me like I thought I never would. I couldn't see women as I used to. They still mean nothing to me—as arrogant as that sounds—but they don't hold anything of value like they used to. No longer are women posed as sex symbols in my eyes, Bella has forever changed my vision of the world.

There was only her.

I suddenly felt that strange feeling that came over me a few times when we lived in California and then again when we were at my parents at Christmas, before she left I was contemplating what that could be and starting to realize it must have something to do with her A physiological jolt to my system when she is anywhere near me, I had been trying to act unaware of the audience I had when I was tapped on the shoulder. It startled me from my concentration and I turned to see Bella but tripped on my own foot; almost falling down the flight of stairs.

I spit out a profanity before I caught myself and smiled ludicrously up at her entrancing brown eyes. She seemed uncomfortable by the watching eyes and we left with a quick and breathless exit. My car was waiting for us and the valet held the door open for her. I saw him look her over and it shot a wave of jealousy through me. Why would I be jealous? I hardly know her anymore.

She kept silent as I drove to the restaurant and I was starting to wonder if she was going to talk at all. I saw her look over at me but I kept my eyes on the road ahead. She was examining me. "Where are we going?" She asked after a moment.

"We're going to Salty's. I hope you still like sea food?" I remembered she loved shrimp, so hopefully she still does.

She cracked a smile before ducking her head and hiding her face behind her long mahogany hair. "Yeah, I can't believe you remember that." She didn't look at me; she continued to look down at her lap.

I shrugged my shoulders and said, for the second time in her presence, "Some things are unforgettable."

* * *

Salty's Restaurant is located right on the Columbia River. It was a nice night and I reserved a table on the balcony. It would be private and hopefully we could talk about what happened.

"We're here," I informed her when the restaurant came into view. We sat directly out over the water at the furthest table from anyone else. I had them move it even further so Bella would be comfortable to talk.

"So, I've never had a woman buy me dinner; this is a first," I chuckled trying to start the conversation.

"I have never paid for dinner for a man, so this is a first for me too." She smiled sweetly but didn't take her eyes off the menu.

"I'm sure you're used to guys buying you dinner," this time I didn't look away from the menu.

"No, not really, Mike was the only guy to ever buy me dinner. Unless you count Jasper and Emmett: They've bought me dinner a few times." I looked up at her to judge her expression…was she serious?

Yes, she was. Her lips were pierced in a small line and she was concentrating intently on the menu choices in her hands. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, go for it." Still not looking at me.

"Are you still with Mike?"

She peeked up at me quickly, her gaze not lingering long. "No, not since after Christmas."

I exhaled the air I didn't realize I was holding until I heard her answer. "Can I ask another?" I chanced.

"Yeah, that's kind of what we're here for isn't it?" She fully looked at me and her eyes seemed to pierce right through me.

"Yeah, I suppose". "Have you…had many…boyfriends over the years?" I felt it wrong of me to ask but I couldn't stop myself. I needed and wanted to know.

"Well, I didn't expect that one," she mocked. "No…Mike was the only one."

"Really?" I couldn't hide the excitement in my tone but I attempted to cover it up anyways. "How did you manage that? I'm sure there were plenty of guys trying to win your affection."

"Yeah- no," she replied, "Guys usually tend to shy away from me because of my behavior. I'm not outgoing, I'm not really funny and I'm not experienced. What guy would want that?"

She actually believed everything she said; that was funny.

"That's only because you haven't found the right guy."

"Oh, and you're the right guy?" she shot the question at me like a dagger.

"No, I wasn't saying that," _though to be honest I would like to see if I am_.

The waiter came to our table then, "Good evening, have you decided on your order?" he asked.

"Yes," Bella spoke first, "I would like the shrimp dish with ketchup." She handed him the menu and her gaze fell to mine in a reproachful manner.

"And for you?" he asked.

I didn't look away from Bella's stare, "I'll take the same," and handed him my menu.

"Anything to drink?"  
"I'll take a coke."

"Make that two," I said before he left. "So, you're still a ketchup junkie huh?" I asked Bella.

"And so are you," she pointed out.

"And so am I." I fiddled with my napkin, something I forgot I did when I get nervous. I always had to have something in my hands to keep me occupied. Usually, it was a paper clip in my pocket but I didn't come prepared for that. I'd forgotten all about it because I haven't been nervous in years. That was something I did when I was a kid.

We didn't speak, I continued to look down at my lap and Bella was quiet and contemplative. I wanted, so bad, to know what she was thinking. Was she happy to be here or did she feel that she was being forced by my family and hers?

I peeked up at her and she was looking out to the river; Washington was right on the other side. The wind was gusty and you could see and hear the waves splashing beneath us. It was easy to just be with Bella; no conversation, no need to impress—well maybe a little. It wasn't hard to be with her though, it came so naturally.

Our food was brought out to us and we had light conversation while we ate. Bella had a pile of ketchup on her plate that mirrored my own and it made me think of all the other things we had in common.

Before my mind could wander too far, she spoke. "What are you doing after this?" Her eyes bore into mine with an intensity that almost knocked me out of my seat. I was stunned speechless by the beauty held deep within her, the brown abyss so mesmerizing.

I had to cough out my answer, "Um, I don't know. Going home I guess."

"Well," her eyes diverted from mine as she continued to talk, "I was thinking, since we haven't really had a chance to talk about things," she took a deep breath. "Maybe we could go somewhere quiet." She still held her eyes on her plate, her fork poking at the food that remained.

"Sure, we can go to another spot along the river." The river was calming to me and it wasn't cold tonight; might as well take advantage of the moment.

I knew exactly where we would go, a few places actually. Three spots in Vancouver; Wintler Park which is a swimming spot, but it's on the river. The docks at the Double Tree hotel. There's a bench that looks out at the river there, and a dock that is open to the public. The third was Lower River Road. There were many spots along there but one in particular was Fisherman's Barge. A lot of barges float down the Columbia, many holding new cars delivered form their manufacturers. It was also right next to the Vancouver Wild Life Rescue.

* * *

**_Awh, do you love it? I love it when they are together, even if it is awkward and not the greatest of times. This doesn't mean everything is fine and dandy though. It also doesn't mean they aren't either, does that make sense? Like things aren't terrible but they aren't great. _**

**_So I was thinking I could do like a double post this weekend, like post on now and on Sunday. What say you? Should I do it or not. I mean I can wait until Wednesday if y'all want me to but that's up to you. I think the next chappy is talking about the past and then strictly fun so that should be a nice change of pace. There is deffinitely more angst to be had but things are getting not so hard for Bella, you'll see._**

**_You guys are so awesome with your reviews, I just can't thank you enough. I hope you aren't mad at me for not responding to some of you but it is so hard to do it with the little amount of time I have for writing. I would much rather write so I can get the chapters out and I'm sure you would much rather that too. _**

**_Thank you to Scrimmy....you rock as always!!!! Thank you so much for helping me with this story._**

**_Hello to the new readers...I know in the beginning it says I will post every Wednesday and Saturday but I kind of jump around a bit. Twice a week for sure though. _**

**_Please leave me sum luv....lil' button just below_**

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	12. PS I Love You

**11. P.S I Love You**

**_BPOV_**

Going back over the I5 Bridge into Washington brought on some kind of panic attack. I couldn't pin point where exactly it was coming from but my whole body tensed and Edward seemed to notice. We took the second exit off the bridge and he pulled into a hotel parking lot.

My body stiffened again until we drove around to the back and I saw a bench overlooking the water. He opened my door for me and wind bit at my skin and a chill ran up my arms.

"Are you cold?" he asked, already assuming I was and unbuttoning his jacket. "Here," he draped it over my shoulders and a musky fragrance enveloped me and I breathed it in greedily.

"Thank you."

"This is a good spot huh?" he asked for my approval while we walked toward the water.

"Yeah, it's beautiful." The bridge was to the left of us, high above the water yet the lights were still reflecting from below. Across the river was an old out of commission hotel a lot like the one we were at. Edward must have noticed my observation because he started telling me about it.

"This hotel," he pointed to the one behind and to the side of us, "And that one across the river used to be basically the same one. They were both called The Double Tree but this one was known as the North Shore and that one was known as the South Shore. Before this, it was The Red Lion. The South Shore hasn't been in business for years."

"What do you do Edward?" I asked changing the subject to the direction it needed to go. He took a seat on the bench and I followed, waiting for his response.

"I'm the Music Director at The Rose Garden; I thought you knew that."

"No, no one talks about you much when I'm around, now that they know." My throat felt like it was swelling and my body started to shake but not visibly to anyone.

"Oh," he looked back out to the river and I was just about to ask him what happened after he left that kept him from contacting me when he got up abruptly and stalked off toward the ledge that separated us from the water.

He stood there, leaning on the railing with his forearms. After a few minutes passed I got up and walked toward him, feeling his electric pull more and more the closer I got. I wonder why he doesn't feel it or if he does why he never said anything? Maybe it is just me. "What happened?" he asked when I was standing directly behind him. I froze in my tracks. He turned around to face me, leaning against the railing with his back now. "What made you think I wasn't coming back? I promised and I meant it?"

I looked down, hiding the anguish in my eyes. "I don't know. I just didn't think you cared anymore, or that you'd forgotten."

He pushed off the ledge and came closer to me, making me look into his eyes. "I cared Bella and I never forgot. I tried to call but you had to be authorized, I tried to send you a letter but it got returned. I didn't stop trying to contact you until I went back to that shit hole and you weren't there."

I believed every word he said. Maybe it was the tone in which he said it or the expression on his face, but either way, I believed him.

The traitorous tears threatened to betray me as I realized I could have been with him the whole time, or at least I could have kept in touch with him until we could see each other again. It would have been college, and I could have introduced Jasper and Emmett to Rose and Alice. I would be a completely different person than I am now, maybe a little less flaccid.

I looked up at him for the first time and the tears flowed over and rolled down my cheeks, "I thought of you every day." Not to mention the dreams, but I kept that to myself.

The expression on his face made me want to hold him, to comfort him. He looked so vulnerable, so easily broken. "Can I ask you something?" He asked, fighting back his own emotions.

I had to find my voice, I'd been thinking about this moment for so long and here it is; nothing like I imagined it would be, "Yeah."

"Can we be friends?" His voice gave him away, that wasn't at all what he wanted. I didn't necessarily want that either but I couldn't just be with him romantically, I don't know who he is anymore.

"Yes, I would like that," I replied as reserved as I could. I didn't want him to see how much he truly affected my well being. Just being in his proximity makes me feel whole, happy and just right. Like nothing could take me down.

He let out a deep sigh, "Thank you." His arms came up and wrapped around my neck, crushing my face against his chest. I tilted my head to lay it against him and wrapped my own arms around and up the middle of his back. I could feel the muscles there; tense and overbearingly prominent under his thick shirt. The electric hum between us had to be felt by him too, it was throbbing throughout my entire being. Like an explosion inside me.

**_EPOV_**

Last night with Bella went as good as I could have dreamed. She agreed we could be friends; she had to know I want more than that, how could she not. That would mean that she does somewhere inside too, that gave me hope.

"Eat Edward," Alice broke through my trance and I looked into her green eyes that seemed to sparkle even in the dim lighting of the kitchen.

I scooped up a fork full of hash browns and scarffed them down. Not taking my eyes off of hers, "Better?" I said with my mouth full.

"Much," she replied with a smile.

"So," Jasper started, "How did it go?"

"What?" I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about.

"You know what, don't play with us," Alice nearly shrieked. "What happened?"

"We just talked and decided to be friends…" I let that sink in for a moment, "For now."

Alice let out a high ear piercing sound, "Yay, I have to go see her." She turned to Jasper, "What time do we need to be there for the concert?"

"Six," I replied for him, "We will wait for you by the North entrance."

"Okay," Jasper handed her the keys and she kissed him goodbye. "I'll see you then," then she darted out the door.

"Does she know where the Marriott is?" I asked after she was gone for a few seconds.

Jasper jumped up out of his chair, "Oh crap," and grabbed his coat on the way. "Alice," he yelled and ran through the front door.

5:30 rolled around and Jasper and I dressed for the occasion. I decided to tell him what it was and we called some people to take the girls something fitting for the show. I hoped they would choose something Bella would like. I'd hate to have her decline it. I couldn't wait to see what she would look like dressed all in black.

_She would be the sexiest woman alive in anything she wore_, I thought to myself, _don't be an idiot_.

Jasper and I headed over to the Rose Garden, we took my car since Alice took theirs. We got right in because the whole working crew knows my car and knows me. I make damn sure of it. We made our way through the crowd of people to the North entrance but when we got there I was met by my assistant.

"Mr. Cullen, we need you in rehearsal division, it's really bad." She was freaked to be telling me this because she knew how I felt about last minute foul ups.

"Show the ticket person this and go to suite 334," I told Jasper. "I'll meet you guys there as soon as I can. Tell the girls I'm sorry."

"Alright, but no guarantee's they're going to forgive you," he replied and I took off with my assistant following right behind me.

"What happened, give it to me straight, no bull shit," I told Erica, she had a tendency to beat around the bush when she knew something was going to upset me. I was pretty convinced that she had a crush on me.

"Well…the opening act decided to bail, we have no one to open the show." I stopped dead in my tracks.

"You waited until now to panic? Why wasn't I notified earlier?" I started back in the direction of the rehearsal hall. This was just my luck.

When we got there I saw what Erica had already told me, the room was empty. "Shit," I said out loud then turned and headed down the hall to my left, towards my office. I had a few phone calls to make. I knew a few people and a couple people owe me a favor. There had to be something I could do, there always is.

I pushed open the door to my office and walked in quickly around my desk and started fingering through the rolodex that sat on the edge there. I found the first person I was going to call. Barely three rings and "Eddyward, what's happnin captain?" he laughed at his own joke.

"Laurant, hey do you have anyone right now that would want to open for us tonight? I need someone good, and asap. I mean this as in now." The show starts in two hours.

"I'll see what I can do bro, on the real though, can I open for them, I mean I can come up with something, it doesn't have to be great right?" he laughed again because he was fucking with me.

"Seriously bro, I need your help."

"Alright, alright, I'll hit you back." The line went silent and I returned the head piece to its spot.

"Okay, we'll see what Laurant can do for us. Until then, will you make sure that my friends make it in okay?" I reached for my pen and wrote down each of their names. I lingered on the a in Bella's name because I had yet to write it down since the new hope that has filled my empty heart. It was different, as weird as that may sound. It was easier to write it. Any other time and it was painful, this time I think I even felt a jolt like I feel when she is near. Someday I will have to ask her if she feels that electricity when I am near or if it is just me. On second thought, it will have to be a long time before I can bring myself to ask her that Question.

I headed over to the mini bar in my office and poured scotch on the rocks. After stirring it lightly with a straw and returning it to its holder, I walked over to the big windows and watched the traffic that was lined up for the show; all the cars bumper to bumper to get parking.

My phone rang on my desk and I hurried around to grab it before it got transferred to my voicemail. "Tell me something I want to hear."

"Oh my brother, I got something better than that. You know the group "Iron Knuckles" on Youtube? They live here in Portland and they said they'd be honored to open for SlipKnot. They play the same kind of genre so it should work out." He sounded jazzed about it and I knew the group. They were good and all over the stage, good audience grabbers.

"If they can be here in 30 minutes they have the job."

"Hey, since I helped am I invited?"

"You're always invited, you fucking know that," he knew that.

"See you there bro." We said our goodbyes and I notified the crew that they would be arriving within the half hour. Hopefully these guys are good under pressure. I downed the rest of my drink and headed to suite 334.

_**BPOV**_

On the one hand, Edward seemed like he has grown into a really great man. He has a great career, he knows what he wants in life and he looks amazing. All the qualities I look for in a man, he possesses. On the other hand, he has a bad past with me, something I cannot just forget. He also has a bad rap with women; I saw it first hand on his MySpace and he still hasn't reply to my message. Emmett also told me that long ago before any of us knew he was my Edward. That's another thing, I keep referring to him as my Edward. I know it's only to clarify who I'm speaking about, but it makes me feel like I'm putting some kind of claim on him. Maybe I want to put some kind of claim on him, for him to be mine and for him to never want to break my heart.

But Edward is human just like the rest of us and humans are unpredictable. One day he could be so in love with me he's blinded by it and then the next day he could feel different. Maybe he would see some drop dead gorgeous girl and be utterly taken away by her and hurt me in the worst way possible.

Those are the things I am worried about, the only thing I worry about; getting my heart re-broken.

Alice showed up at my door around 11, "Bella, you're a mess. We have to get ready for the concert."

I flopped back down and gave her my just-woke-up-out-of bed look, "Do we even know who it is?" I asked.

"No, but the boys are going to send us over some clothes that will suffice and I'm sure we can figure it out from there." She sat down her bag of unmentionables, I knew exactly what she was going to try and do but I wasn't having it; not today.

"Alice," I whined, "I don't want to play dress up Bella day today, not in front of Edward," I added that last part so she knew I was serious. Alice knows better than anyone else what I have gone through, better than Rose. Alice and I have always been the best of friends since day one.

That wasn't an easy task then but the room had me convinced, along with her eyes, that she was pure. She wouldn't hurt me, at least not intentionally. After Edward she was the only one I trusted to let in.

"I figured you would say that, so I'm only going to dress you, no makeup."

I looked at her perplexed, "I thought clothes were being sent to us?"  
"They are, but if they're horrible than we'll have to figure something else out now wont we." Of course Alice always had a backup plan. If it isn't right, she'll make it right. If the pants don't work, she'll make them work. She is a fashion designer by trade, it's in her blood; she can't help it.

When the clothes arrived we both were shell shocked at what the shirt said, "Is this some kind of joke?" Alice said holding the shirt up to get a better look at it. "Are they serious?"

"I don't think Jasper had any say in this," I said for his benefit. "I think Edward is the one who planned it," I laughed.

"Oh Bella, this is going to be good." That little devilish look in her eyes told me her gears were spinning; she was coming up with a plan.

* * *

"There's a spot," I pointed out the windshield between two cars. "Hurry," I bounced in my seat like a school girl. We were definitely dressed for the occasion. Dressing up was not something I liked to do or ever planned on doing. Of course, Alice has a way at persuading people and it's almost always worked on me.

I wasn't going to do it until I saw the bands logo on the shirt; the shirt that Alice ripped in several different places. "_So it looks more flirty and sexy_," she'd said. She did something of the same to hers and the pants were apparently good as they were, but skin tight and I think leather. I don't know how they got my size, but they fit like a glove.

We found Jasper at the North entrance after searching for at least 20 minutes for a parking spot. The garage was full along with the little parking lots around that charged a few for you to park during shows. We had to park in a residential area, hopefully it wouldn't get towed; that would be horrible.

"Wow," his eyes looked like they were going to pop out of their sockets when he saw us; mainly Alice. She was dressed; head to toe, in black which further brought out her black spiky hair, still the same from when I met her. She 'painted' her face with black eyeliner and thick mascara, her green eyes were popping and vivid.

"You really know how to go to a show," he commended her.

She faux curtsied, "Thank you," and put one of her arms through his. "Come on Bella," she put her other arm through mine and we continued to the entrance.

A rather short woman approached Jasper and said something to him that I couldn't hear and then Jasper followed her, pulling us along with him. We walked past the long line of people waiting to get in and continued through the gate and into the auditorium. There was a long hall that went in both directions and curved as it went. We took a right and followed it down about 200 feet until the woman stopped in front of a door that read suite 334.

"Here you are," the woman opened the door and moved aside to let us enter. "Mr. Cullen will be joining you shortly," she basically bowed then exited the room, shutting the door snuggly after her.  
There was a bar, stocked with liquor and wine and even had a tap for draft beer. There were also plates of appetizers, like cheese and crackers with tuna dip and ham slices on hoagie bread. At the end of the suite was a set of glass double doors that led out to three rows of seats. Beyond that was a long drop down to center stage. We had one of the best views in the stadium.

"You ready to get your freak on," Jasper hollered and held up a bottle of Jager.

I laughed at him because he is such the professional type most of the time, "Please don't ever say that again." To see him letting his grunge side out was more than comical.

He started pouring us drinks and I mentally decided I would get fucked up tonight why not. "It's a SlipKnot concert, how else am I supposed to behave?" Jasper replied. And that was only further reason for me to do it, "_How else am I supposed to behave_?" I mentally quoted him.

"One, two," Alice was counting, "Three." All three of us slammed a shot of Jager and each of us had bitter face.

"Eeww," Alice was running in place, "I hate JagerMeister." She stuck her tongue out and shook her head, "Ahh." It tasted of black licorice and yuck, I shook my head in agreement before throwing back some soda to chase it.

We had taken three shots of the black licorice grossness before the knob on the door tuned and Edward walked through it. Of course he was dressed in a suit and tie, given his job title; that was to be expected.

"Hey, you guys look great," he laughed and looked me—just me—up and down. A smile was spread across his face in amusement and I had to laugh at myself because, honestly, I was feeling the Jaeger shots.

* * *

**_Yeah, finally some fun for our miserable couple. Don't get your hopes up thought there is something coming, something not so cool but not super bad either. But were getting there I promise so don't get too discouraged. I know it's taking forever but they will be happy again, that much I know._**

**_So I want to say thank you to all of you for taking the time to read SH and leaving me your thoughts and love. It really does mean a lot to me that you like it so please don't stop. Congrats to cubbie8656 on her first pregnancy....you're going to love being a mother._**

**_Thank you again to scrimmy, you rock as always. I have a Valentines Day pic that I made...it's not of Bella and Edward or any of our Twilight friends but it's posted on my page. I hope you check it out...if you want to send it around to people that's fine you can right click and save to your comp._**

**_I know this one was a shorty, I try not to do that but that's just how this one ended up. _**

**_Don't stop now....leave me sum luv...lil' button just below_**

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	13. Music and lyrics

**12. Music and Lyrics**

**_EPOV_**

The girls looked like they fit right into the scene, dressed in all black with their SlipKnot t-shirts and skin tight leather pants.

Bella, especially, looked gorgeous. Her mahogany hair was curled in every direction, complementing the overlay of her tattered shirt. It seemed to produce a frame around the center part of a woman's body that lies just between the shoulders. Her pants were tight, showing every curvature in her lower half, her ass being complemented so much it held my eyes for a moment longer than it should have.

Her feet were wrapped in red flats; it had to be an Alice creation, the entire ensemble. I would thank her for it later. "Are you enjoying yourselves?" I asked all of them, trying hard not to focus all of my attention on Bella alone.

"Bro," Jasper had a slight slur in his words, "Are you ready to partayy?" He poured some liquor into a shot glass that he intended for me.

"No drinks for me tonight," I reached into the mini fridge and pulled out a bottle of water.

"Bella was definitely feeling the effects of the alcohol, her eyes were glossed over and she was all smiles sitting next to Alice. "So how are Emmett and Rose coming along with finding a house up there?"

Jasper fell right back into his sophisticated side, "Oh, they've found a few they liked," a little slurry but it was there.

"Awesome, I'm happy for them," and that wasn't a lie. I really was, now that I had a possible future ahead of me filled with the one person I'd walk the earth to share it with, I could willingly feel happiness for others that have found the same.

Bella was quiet at my side and Jasper had turned his attention over to his half intoxicated fiancée. I looked back over my shoulder and caught Bella's eyes. She looked down quickly and I saw the light rosy pink color flush her cheeks. "Sorry," she smiled embarrassingly and looked to her side. "I'm…seem to be a little fucked up."

She was so fucking cute, especially right now. "Are you enjoying yourself?" I tried to fight back my smile but I know it was visible.

"Yes," her body swayed on the bar stool and I could tell she was about to fall over. I reached my arm around her back and held her up. She leaned into it and was startled when she thought she was going to fall back but instead met my arm.

"Thanks," she giggled.

The lights dimmed out in the arena and we all made our way to the balcony. I put my hand out to help Bella and she took it gingerly. I marveled in the feel of her skin against mine and that little buzz we seem to produce yet again. I don't know if it will do that forever, but I can only hope that I get the chance to find out.

The concert went without a hitch, the best part about the night in its entirety was every moment that Bella touched my hand or every time she looked at me, but most of all every fucking time she hugged me was another step close to her trust.

**_BPOV_**

Edward was gorgeous in his suit, even though I was definitely feeling the alcohol; anyone would see it. I was not on stable ground so when he offered to keep me steady from the bar to the balcony seat I didn't refuse. Knowing me, I probably would have fallen over the ledge if he hadn't helped me. "NOTE TO SELF" Drinking and balconies are a no no for me.

The music was loud and so were the screaming fans. A few times I couldn't stop myself from resting my hand on one of Edwards, as he was seated right next to me. Each time, his hand twitched under mine like he wanted to hold it in his and I wished he would. Every time I looked his way he was smiling and looking at me. I don't think he watched the concert at all, but I wasn't going to complain, not now in the state I was in. I wanted nothing more than his company and that's exactly what I was getting.

When the last song was over I hugged him for the third time that night and he held on to me tighter than before. His thumbs rubbed small circles on my upper back right below my neck and I could have fallen asleep from the feel of it.

His electric hum was vibrating between us and it only made me want to stay like that forever. I was not in the right state of mind to be this close to Edward, the whole of my misery for the last 10 years. So I pushed away first this time, even though every fiber of my being was flexing towards him, not away.

"I have to go," he said as soon as I loosened my grip on his jacket. "I have to go and congratulate the group and escort them to the hotel, their request." He winked, "We're old friends."

"Okay, will I see you tomorrow before we leave?" I asked calmly, not clingy.

"Yes, that is if you want to see me. I wasn't sure so I didn't plan anything." He seemed so put out by that fact.

"No worries, maybe we can talk some more, maybe figure out the dynamics," I joked.

"I would like that very much," he said sultrily. He looked into my eyes, one and then the other, his eyes darting back and forth. "Can I ask you something?"

I felt like he was going to ask something important, something I would need a brain for, which, currently I didn't have, "Sure."

"Why don't you stay at my place, I have a couch that is plenty comfortable and you would be near Alice. I promise no funny stuff, and I won't invade your space or anything. I can stay completely hidden if you want me to."

I did miss Alice, being away from home and Alice was not two things I wanted to be away from and especially both at the same time. "Okay," I shrugged my shoulders.

Intoxicated remember.

I was close to sober when we pulled up to a building that appeared to be apartments. We had already gotten my stuff from the hotel and were now about to take it up to Edward's apartment. Edward's apartment; I couldn't believe I agreed to this. Maybe he knew I would and that's why he asked then, to take advantage of me.

Well we would see about that, I was going straight to the couch and going straight to sleep.

That's what I thought until it finally came down to it. Alice and Jasper had retired to the spare room, which was acting as their room for our stay, and I was left with silence; in Edward's apartment. I kept my eyes closed but every noise and every movement made me think it was him, finally coming home. I risked glances at the digital time clock on the cable box; 1:32.

I laid there for a while until I was so close to slumber I could hear Edward's voice, I could smell him and feel his presence like every other night of my life. He was speaking softly to me and I wanted to talk back but I couldn't find my voice.

Soon I was in a dreamless state, nothing but blackness, until I opened my eyes to see Alice and Jasper sitting at the table.

I rubbed my eyes groggily and then saw what was lying next to me on the floor. Edward had a pillow under his head from the couch and a blanket sprawled across his body covering not even half of him.

"What is he doing?" I asked whoever was listening or felt like they wanted to answer.

Alice turned to face me while Jasper got up and went to the kitchen, "We don't know; he was out here just like that when we woke up." She tossed what looked like a grape into her mouth and chewed it greedily.

"Well that's…weird," I thought out loud. I stood up on the couch and hopped over to the other side of him and joined Alice at the table. I pulled my feet up onto the chair and held them close to my chest, resting my chin on my knees. "How did I get talked into coming here?" I whispered. I can't believe I'm doing this. It goes against everything I've ever been told and everything I've told myself I wouldn't do.

"Bella," she stopped me, "You have to stop letting the past run your life. Look at how much he's been trying to make you happy. You weren't the only one hurt by what happened and he's trying like hell to make up for it."

"There is nothing he could do that would make up for what happened. I've come to terms that it isn't completely his fault but I still can't just throw it away. That one thing has formed who and what I am today, there's no putting it behind me Alice. It just isn't going to happen that easily.

**_EPOV_**

The after party took too long; I wanted to leave before I even got there but I had to do my job. Bella would be there and hopefully awake when I got home. Preferably sober, I don't like the alcohol having any influence over her actions. I want to be around her while she is completely sober. No regrets.

The last time she hugged me I thought she might kiss me but I wasn't going to push on anything. I knew it was too soon to be thinking like that but I couldn't fucking help it. Her lips looked so soft and inviting, especially the way she bit down on her bottom one when she was concentrating or nervous.

I thought about Bella the whole time I was at the party, even when the gorgeous women there approached me and I didn't even take a second glance. I didn't regret it or even want them thinking about me, I only wanted to run through Bella's mind like she's the only one that runs in mine.

I thought about how much I really wanted that to be true, for her to be thinking about me at the same moment I'm thinking about her. That wouldn't be possible because recently, since she reemerged into my life, all I think about is Bella all the time.

"You supposed to be somewhere?" Steve asked me. I had been standing in the same spot for most of the time, I haven't mingled in the least and usually I'm the life of the party.

"No, things have just…changed. I want to be somewhere but I don't have to be there." I replied frankly.

"A woman isn't it," he called me out, dead on. "You've been reined in my good man haven't you?"

"I suppose I have, do you mind?" I really wanted to go but I would stay all night if I had to.

"No, go man, we'll see you next round."

"You better plan on it," I replied before shaking his hand, and the rest of the band members, then walking out. When I reached the hall I was more like sprinting. I looked at my watch, 1:32. I could get there in 10 minutes if I hurry.

I unlocked the door to my apartment and went straight to the living room. I was stunned when I saw Bella sleeping soundlessly on my couch. Bella was in my apartment, sleeping on my couch. I moved close to her being as quiet as I could be. I didn't want to wake her, but I wanted a closer look.

"Mm," she stirred in her sleep but she didn't wake.

"It's just me," I whispered softly, barely audible.

"Edward." She said it so clearly, yet she was still sleeping. She said my name, was she dreaming about me or did she unconsciously know I was here?

"Yes, I'm here," I replied to her, kneeling down to be on her level. I wanted her to keep talking, maybe I could find out what her feeling are toward me. Was it more than just friends, or was I forever to be in the friend zone now that it's been so long?

"Stay," she cooed, "Stay with me." Her words were hard to decipher but I definitely heard that comment .

"I will stay," I told her.

I got up to get a pillow but her quiet plea kept me planted where I was, "Don't go."

I settled with a pillow from the couch and the blanket that I had used during my stay on the couch. I laid down next to the couch on the floor and closed my eyes, waiting to see if she would say anymore.

She didn't speak after that, she was in a quiet comfortable sleep and I joined her soon after.

I woke up to Bella and Alice whispering about something and I kept my eyes closed until they were done. I couldn't hear them and I didn't want to interrupt so it was the most logical decision, that was until I had to take a leak.

I heard one of the chairs being pushed across the linoleum floor and that's when I decided to make my escape. I rolled over onto my stomach and stretched out my limbs. I took a peek in the table's direction and I could see Bella sitting with her legs to her chest on one of the chairs looking uninterestingly out the window that over looked the river.

Her right hand was tapping her ankle in a rythmic gesture and I wasn't sure if she noticed me or if she was totally oblivious. She started humming along with the tapping and her feet started to sway from left to right. Then she added in her head bobbing. I was about to bring my presence to her attention when she belted out "I like to make myself believe," her voice quieted down to a whisper. "That planet earth turns, slowly. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, cuz everything is never as it seems."

Her voice was good, not shockingly so, but better than most. Her cheeks blushed cherry red when she noticed I was awake. "Sorry you had to witness that," she chuckled nervously.

"No, I quite enjoyed it actually," that's a good song that doesn't get enough credit. "Leave my door open just a crack," I continued the song.

"Please, take me, away from here," she sang silently.

"Cuz I feel like such an insomniac."

"Please, take me, away from here."

"Why do I tire of counting sheep."

"Please, take me, away from here."

"When I'm far too tired to fall asleep."

She laughed and I smiled, my hair felt like it was everywhere. I got up stiffly from the floor and my back felt like someone stomped over it all night.

"Awh," I put my hand in a fist and pushed hard against my lower back and walked off toward the bathroom. I didn't waste too much time in there, besides brushing my teeth and taking a piss, because Bella was leaving to head back to Seattle today, every second mattered.

When I walked back to the living room Bella was still seated at the table. "Where's Alice and Jazz?" I asked running my hand through my hair.

"Oh," she blushed and looked away from me; I didn't really understand why. "They went to the Water Front Park I think they called it."

"Oh yeah, damn." I wanted to take her there, "They could have waited for us." I flopped down in the chair opposing hers and a sharp pain ran up my back. "Awh," I rolled onto the ground from the chair and tried like hell to roll out the kink.

"What are you doing," she laughed.

"My back is killing me from sleeping on the floor," I informed her and continued to roll around from front to back.

I heard her chair scoot from the table. "Here," I felt a hand on my back and the warm sensation that followed rendered me numb. "Let me help you with that." I stayed completely still, unsure what she was going to do until she lowered herself onto my back and started rubbing firm circles along my back.

I let out a groan because it hurt so good. She stopped immediately, "Does it hurt?" she asked.

"Oh yes, it hurts so good," I replied, "Keep going please." She continued to rub my back, her hips swayed over me every time she moved her fingers. My manly instincts kicked in and I couldn't stop it. Thankfully, I was lying on my stomach.

Her movements were softer until she stopped completely and got up returning to the chair she occupied previously. "This is all happening too fast," I barely heard her.

I hopped up off the floor; surprisingly my back did feel better. "It doesn't have to, you're going back home today so it will probably be a while before we see each other again." I couldn't contain the grief in my words; any amount of time was too long.

"I know," she didn't look at me but looked down at the table. "And I'm not looking forward to it. I want to try this," her hands motioned between us, "Whatever this is. I don't want to run away from it when it just started." I sat down in the chair next to her, my heart thudding loudly as her words reached me.

_She didn't want to leave me. _

I grabbed her right hand in mine and rubbed the top of it with my other hand. "I will call you everyday if that's what you want, every chance I get if it doesn't bother you." I'd already planned on sending her a message everyday so she would know that I was thinking about her.

Her left hand came to rest on mine over hers, "Do you promise?" She asked and I knew this was going to be one of the tests.

"Bella, I give you my word. I will call you every chance I get." I wanted her to look at me but what she did next was even better. Her hand pulled out of mine and she threw her arms around my neck, bringing herself into my lap.

I wrapped my arms around her waist gingerly and pulled her closer to me, closer than I have had her since she returned to me. "This feels so right," I said out loud.

"I know," she whispered into my ear, causing my skin to rise up the back of my neck and all the way down my left side.

"I don't ever want you to leave."

"I don't ever want to," she agreed. "But I have to."

"I know you do," I didn't want her to think that I didn't understand because I did. Her life is there and mine is here. Maybe later, when our relationship has taken on a higher road, we could change that.

There was a knock at the door and I wasn't expecting anyone so I assumed it was Jasper and Alice. I made Bella walk with me to the door because the more time with her the better. I was not expecting to see the person that was standing on the other side of the door, I had totally forgotten about her.

* * *

**_Who is her you ask? You will have to find out in the next chapter which I will be posting one Saturday...possibly Friday night. Please don't be angry with me...it was bound to happen with Edward's rap with women. It won't put too much of a damper on their progress so no worries there....but it's not all good and smooth sailing yet. We're getting there though. _**

**_I told myself I wouldn't start this story until it was done but I couldn't wait and now you all are catching up to where I'm at. If that happens updates will be scarcer than they already are. I will try really hard to stay ahead of you but not guarantees. _**

**_Thank you Scrimmy....much love to you and I hope your VDay was the best possible. I got a rose, chocolates and a card from my honey...I love him MUAH!! that's for you babe...even though he will never see it haha. _**

**_Thank you for all your reviews I am stoked that you take the time to leave me your thoughts. If you are here from BMNM....thanks for following me here. We're so close to 300 and that's awesome, you don't know how much that means to me. _**

**_Four more months y'all.....I posted my fav Edward and Bella quotes from Eclipse on my page, thanks to Twilight-quotes(DOT)com. I think I may a few more that weren't listed but there were so many I didn't worry about it. Check um out if you're interested. _**

**_Please leave me sum luv...lil' button just below_**

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	14. Return to meorSleepless in Seattle

**13. Return to Me**

**_BPOV_**

When Edward came out of the bathroom half naked I couldn't help but notice his chest; there was a tattoo there. The most significant thing about it though was the letter B that stood in the middle of it. I didn't ask about it because, honestly, I didn't want to know; not yet.

I offered to rub his back because he looked like a fool rolling around on the floor, I didn't think it completely through before I offered though. With my hands touching his skin, his back, I wanted to touch all of him and not just subject to approved touchable parts. Things were moving too fast, feeling too right and going too well for the little amount of time we've been back in each other's lives.

That is the kind of thing that ruins relationships; moving fast and trusting your heart. I couldn't trust my heart or anyone else, especially Edwards. I wanted to, god knows I do, but it's something I can't just turn on; trust is earned and that's exactly what he would have to do. Earn it.

Being in his arms was like finding the place I fit best in the world, exactly where I was meant to be and I never wanted to leave. He didn't want me to either and he gave me his word that he would call me every chance he got. I told myself I needed to believe him, I had to give him the benefit of the doubt if I wanted him to gain the trust back. He couldn't do it no matter what he did if I didn't try to trust him, and give him a chance, first.

There was a knock on the door and he growled in frustration before I got up so he could answer it. "No, you're staying with me until you leave." He took my hand in his and pulled me to the door. I smiled widely behind him; I was smiling a genuine happy smile. That thought just made the smile grow.

"Teresa?" His voice was alarmed and panicked all at the same time. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to get my things since you're never going to call me." Standing at the door in her heels and Gucci bag, I'm guessing, was a young—looked to be—half Hispanic, Puerto Rican maybe, woman; very exotic looking and beautiful. It didn't pass my notice that she said she came for her things because Edward never called her. What kind of things could she possibly have here?

I released Edward's hand as she pushed her way past him and she noticed me for the first time. "Oh," she stepped back to look me over, "Is _she_ your new victim?" She looked over at me, "Don't get your hopes up honey, he isn't worth it." She stormed past me and continued into the living room. Edward gave me a look before he followed and she didn't stop until she got to a back room that I assumed was Edward's.

"Where are my panties?" she shouted from the room.

"I don't have any underwear that isn't mine Teresa. It's been what," he counted on his fingers, looking down at them. "Four months. If you left them here I threw them away."

She stormed out of the room and sauntered towards him before she stopped right in front of him." Four months and you never called me: _Why not_?" She pleaded, dropping her arms to her sides.

"Because I was an asshole and didn't like what I was doing," he replied and it only further confused me with the conversation.

"Oh, so because you were lost or what-the-fuck-ever, you have to break my heart in the process? Well FUCK YOU Edward Cullen…_you _ain't shit," she spat at his feet and stomped down the hall towards me.

"Good luck honey, you're going to need it." She continued to the front door, opened it and then slammed it behind her.

He came towards me and suddenly I was having second thoughts yet again. "I am so sorry about that Bella, I honestly forgot about her it's been that long." Four months ago he slept with that woman—who knows how many times—then didn't call her back and totally forgot about her completely. What does that say about his character? This could be some evil plan he has to get back at me for not leaving him a number.

I needed more proof, that's all there was to it; and more time.

A tear escaped my eyes and I hid it as I walked towards the couch to collect my things. "I have to go Edward," I said as he tried to help me. I didn't want him to help me, I wanted to be away from him so I could think properly.

"Bella Wait!" I could hear the rush of his bare feet padding across the hard wood floor in the hall. "Please Bella, don't let that get to you, it was nothing."

"That's the problem," I said calmly, "It was nothing. All of your relationships have been nothing so what makes me believe that I won't become nothing at some point?"

"Because _you_ have always been my everything; you're the only woman I can see being with. I can prove it to you if you'll let me." He was trying to get in front of me so I would have to look at him. I didn't want to look at him.

"I will let you, but you also have to give me the time I need." I started toward the door and had to put my bag down so I could slip on my shoes.

He was right there beside me, "Have it, you got it; all the time you need." His words were rushed, he was panicking…well so was I.

I had my bag back in hand and my hand on the door knob, "I'll talk to you soon."

His hand came up to rest on my shoulder and his voice came out gingerly, "Can I still call you every day? Every chance I get? I don't want to start out with not keeping my word." He was right, that wasn't a good way to start, but that wouldn't make it any easier for me to think rationally.

So I had another idea, something not as personal. "How good are you at texting?"

"I've been known to send a few texts here and there, but I'm sure I can get it figured out. I might ramble though, I find a lot of joy in writing." He warned me and I could tell he wasn't happy. I was hurting him again, but like it's always been; this isn't only about him.

"Send me a text, and I'll call _you_." I didn't want to look at him, my perseverance would be shattered; I had to avoid that.

"That works for me." His voice was saddened and it made my heart ache but I had to be strong; for me. "Can I get a hug before you go? Please."

Against my better judgment, I released the door knob and he took me into his arms. I kept my eyes away from his because I was already teetering on the edge of my resolve. "I'm going to miss you so much," he said, his face pushing into the crook in my neck.

With that I loosened my hold on him and quickly exited the apartment without looking back. It didn't occur to me that I had nowhere to go until the elevator doors opened on the first floor. Lucky for me though, Alice and Jasper walked through the front doors shortly after my exit from the elevator.

"Hey," I greeted them; they were totally engrossed in each other and were startled by my presence.

"Hey," Alice replied with a confused smile. I watched them as they took in my appearance. "Are you ready to go?"

"Yes, a woman came to Edward's door looking for her things. I'm ready to go." I didn't speak anymore; I just walked past them and toward the car.

I could hear Alice's approach and she appeared next to me before I reached the car. "So, what happened?" she asked between breaths.

"We were having a conversation about something," no need to go into detail, "And there was a knock on the door. He dragged me to the door with him and there stood _Teresa_ looking for her panties."

She was shocked, more so than I was it looked like and it almost made me feel better; almost. "What did he say?"

"He told her he didn't have any underwear, that it was four months ago and if she did leave them then he threw them away." Her expression did a complete 180.

"Four months ago? Bella, you can't hold that against him." She was really defending him; I could see her point, but that wasn't mine.

"I'm not holding it against him, what I don't like is the way he blew her off. She said he never called her and he told me it was nothing. Alice," I stopped in front of the car and she stopped in front of me. "I don't want to be nothing; I can't be nothing. Not when it comes to him."

Alice took my arm and shook me, she was going to do one of her lectures, here it comes: "I don't think you would ever be nothing to him, to anyone. Bella you have a lot of great qualities. You're organized, you can cook, you have a sense of humor, and you love deeply and irrevocably, not to mention you have a degree and a full time career." She pointed out.

I may possess some of those things but I'd give them all up if I could know that Edward felt for me even half of what I feel for him. Jasper came out onto the sidewalk toward us. "We're going to communicate every day, that is, if he keeps his word."

"So it's not completely caput for you two?" there was hope in her eyes.

"Not completely, I just need time…and proof."

"Eee," she squealed, "It's like a fairy tale story." She threw her arms around me and Jasper had a very confused look on his face.

**_EPOV_**

Journal Entry 420: August 14, 2008

_The days are going by so slow, when I talk to Bella it goes by too fast. _

_Every day I'm always waiting; waiting to text Bella, hoping it isn't too early or too often or vise versa._

_Or I'm waiting to see if she calls me._

_She said for me to wait for her to call, I'm getting really sick of waiting._

_I want to hear her, to decipher the tone in her voice._

_I don't know how much longer I can wait. _

* * *

Week seven; it's now middle of August and I have yet to receive a phone call from Bella. We text every day of course, some days she even texts me before I text her. Those are my good days. My bad days are the days when I receive one text at night that usually reads something along the lines of "_I was busy tonight_". Sometimes I only get a "_Good night_".

I don't know what she is thinking; she isn't talking to Alice or Alice isn't spilling no matter how much I beg and bribe. I desperately wanted to know where her heart is. I need to know that I have some smidgen of a chance to win her affection.

The dreams are still present every night but they've changed in torturous ways. They've evolved into hot steamy mirages that I can never quite grasp. I know it's there, I can almost feel the pleasure of it, almost feel her lips kissing down my chest, her body straddling mine as she moves further and further down toward the mother land.

Then I wake up drenched in sweat like it isn't all just a dream. The only proof is the empty spot beside me; the sheet and blanket still tucked under the mattress like they were the previous night. I was surprised every morning when I looked in the mirror to see a full head of hair still in its usual disarray. I thought I would have pulled it all out by now.

Today was an important day for me. First, it is my two year marker at the Rose Garden so that means I will be getting a raise and vacation time will be coming around which I plan on asking Bella if I can go up and see her.

I need to see her, I need to see that she is still thinking of me, that she looks forward to my messages and that she waits all day like I do. I crave the reassurance that she is as in love with me as I am with her; I need it more than I need air in my lungs.

"Edward, can you believe it's been two years?" Chelsea, the receptionist for Mr. Jones greeted me. The same receptionist that was eye fucking me when I came in for my interview. Every day was the same with her, I was surprised she never broke down and asked me to ask her out; she sure put out enough signs that even a blind man wouldn't miss.

"I know, time really flies," I humored her.

"Mr. Jones is ready to see you; he said to send you in the moment you arrived."

"Thanks," I tried to suppress my crooked smile but it came out full force because of the overwhelming happiness that was coursing through me at the thought of seeing Bella, very soon. "Wish me luck."

"Good luck you," she said in a reserved sultry way. I shut the door behind me, thankful for the short conversation with her; she could talk you away all day if you let her.

"Edward my boy, so glad to see you; I have good plans for your future." Mr. Jones shook his head, "I knew I was taking a well deserved risk with you," he added.

"Thank you sir," I knew now to let him do all the talking.

"We're going to discuss your raise and a few other things if you don't mind." He rustled a stack of papers and continued, "We are raising your salary to $72,000 a year and upping you vacation to two weeks which is effective immediately and you will receive yearly Christmas bonuses."

I was speechless, not about the money or the bonuses; I had vacation time that I could take now. "Thank you," I finally found my voice. "I won't let you down."

"If you continue the way you have I don't see any way you could son. You've made your father proud, I am sure of that." He didn't know Carlisle wasn't my real father and I never felt the need to correct him. "He will hear of this." He started typing away at his computer, it's all done and the changes have been made." He cleared his throat, "There is one catch."

* * *

Week nine, I was just about to hit the sack when my phone rang in the living room. I got to it and the caller ID almost sent me into a heart attack.

"Hello," I answered out of breath for no reason except that my heart was beating so fast it felt like I'd just run a marathon.

The voice that carried over the phone was just as I'd imagined only a zillion times more gratifying. "_Edward_," she sounded just at winded as I was.

I started imagining the worst, what would cause her to call me in such a panic? "Bella, what's wrong?"

"_It's Rose, she's gone into labor. She's early and the doctors say she might not have long_."

All I saw was Emmett; I could imagine how much he was probably panicking, "Is she okay?"

"_She should be fine, they're more worried about the baby_," her voice drifted off to a whisper and I was no longer tired.

"I'll be there as soon as I can. Are you okay with that?" I had to be sure, not that it would stop me from going and being there for my brother, but I needed to know what I was going in to.

"_This isn't about us; this is about your niece or nephew and his or her parents_."

"I know, I just wanted to know how you felt about it."

"_Its fine, just hurry, I don't know how much time you have. You might miss it_."

"I'll be there."

We hung up after that and I dialed Mr. Jones home number, 10:30 at night. "I hope I don't get fired for this," I said out loud as the phone rang next to my ear. I grabbed a few things and headed out the door before he answered.

"Hello?" he didn't sound happy.

I turned the key in the ignition before I spoke. "Mr. Jones, It's Edward, I'm sorry to call at such a late hour."

"What is it Edward?" He asked, not worried but curious. I don't think anything fazes that man, nothing except family. His office is littered with photos of his kids; he and his wife on vacations and away for holidays. There was a slight chance he would say no to my going.

"My sister in law went into labor and she isn't due for another month. I need to be there for support, my entire family is flying in to Seattle. I'm already on my way. If you say I can't go I won't, but please consider it." I practically held my breath while I waited for his response.

"Edward, this is not a good way to request your vacation, you could have just asked."

"This honestly isn't about my vacation but I can see how you would think that. I will only take a few days and without pay if that's what it takes."

"No, no you can have your seven days, but be prepared to show me pictures. I have a soft spot for newborns." That was his way of keeping tabs on me, and he really does have a softness when it comes to family; just like I said.

"Thank you sir-"

"Edward, stop calling me sir that is my father."

"Sorry Mr. Jones. Thank you."

Be safe, have a good time." The conversation ended and I sent Bella a text.

_I'm on my way, just passing over the Oregon Boarder. Three hours tops. Can you send me the address to the hospital so I can Google it.-E_

I got directions and the welcome to Seattle sign passed in my rearview mirror 2 hours and 45 minutes later. I found the hospital without a hitch and I mazed my way through the halls until I found the waiting room for maternity. It was empty, all except for Bella.

She was sitting with her legs propped up against her chest on a long couch and I could see the cord to her headphones running down to her lap where her iPod was resting. I would almost bet my soul that the book in her hands was Wuthering Heights, the same tethered one from the past. I walked further into the room and I watched as her whole body tensed even before she saw me. She turned and looked directly at me, a smile flirting at her lips.

I greeted her nervously, unsure of what to expect, "Hey."

She pulled her ear bud out and closed her book. "Hey, how was the drive?"

"It was long, tiring. How is Rose?" That was the most important thing. I had to fight with my inner instincts to take her into my arms.

"She's doing good, the baby's vitals are normal and she's starting to dilate. They're letting it run its course as long as everything keeps up." Her voice was laced with worry and some other emotion I couldn't pin point. Her eyes were glowing yet dull, she was conflicted. "You can go see her. I was just sitting out here waiting for everyone to arrive in case the nurses gave you any trouble." She giggled lightly but it seemed to be forced.

"Will you go with me, show me where it is I mean." I corrected myself because this day, this moment wasn't about us, our past and our problems. It's about Rose and the newest Cullen that is fighting as we speak to be brought into the world.

"Yeah, sure," she started gathering her things and I stood before her. She passed so close to me I could feel the electric current between our skin.

**_BPOV_**

Time is a funny thing; at times it will fly by, you don't even know where it went. Other times it will seem like it's standing still. The moments I don't hear from him feels like an eternity of time passes. When we have our conversations that go on for hours, it feels like time is on fast-forward.

Days after I returned home I wanted to call him. Multiple times I dialed the number and sent it but hung up before the first ring. I didn't want to seem too eager or desperate. So I dealt with the messages and the all too vivid dreams.

I won't go into detail but wow were they exhausting and far too teasing in my book. Not that I'm some nympho or anything but I am human, and I want and desire the same things most other grown women do and that is companionship, love and devotion. I was starting to feel that Edward was definitely in the right category for that. I couldn't dream up a better man, I'd much rather dream about him: Which I do every night like I always have.

"Mrs. Swan," Jason asked in the middle of recital.

"Yes Jason."

"I think something is stuck in my trombone instrument," he took the trombone off from around his shoulder and I walked to his side. We both looked at the same time and saw a glutinous ball in the tube.

"Great," he mumbled and three boys that were behind him started to snicker.

"Do you think this is funny?" I asked them. I was in no mood to put up with their shenanigans today. They all straightened up and shook their heads. "I will not tolerate this kind of behavior in my class. You should be taking notes from Jason, not trying to sabotage him. He is part of your band," I pointed out. "If one of you looks bad the whole band does." I started to address everyone, just so they all knew, "There is no I in team," So cliché, I thought to myself, "This is a team effort. If one of you is off key then the whole thing sounds disheveled. You must work together to achieve the same goal, that goal will not be reached by playing jokes on each other."

Something inside was ringing, some kind of alert but I couldn't figure out what it was from so I pushed it aside. "Now," I raised my baton, "From the top."

* * *

Later that day when I got out of class and done with my duties for the day; I sent Edward a text. I couldn't wait to see how his day went.

_How was your day?-_B

_It was torture until now…how was yours?-_E

_Long, I had to put some kids in my class in their place for trying to sabotage one of their band members. That was interesting_.-B

_Sounds like your day was eventful. Hey, I have a question for you. What would you say to me coming up for a visit? Of course I'll stay at Jasper's but we could hang out_.-E

_I don't know, it's kind of soon don't you think? I don't know if I want that right now to be completely honest. My mind is so unmanageable. I'm not used to that_.-B

_I miss you so much Bella, I just want to hear your voice, see your face, feel your skin. I'm sorry if I want to be near you but I won't hide the fact that I'm going absolutely insane without you_.-E

_I have to go, I'll talk to you later. I'm sorry, now just isn't a good time, not yet_.-B

It was hard to tell him no but it was even harder to think about what could come of a visit. He would have to leave again and each time is worse than the last. None, of course, were near as bad as the first.

* * *

I was over at Rose and Emmett's place and we were having one of our many weekly get togethers. Rose was folding laundry from the washer when she ran out waddling like a duck. Some kind of liquid was all over her legs and she looked to be in shock.

"My water broke, my _fucking_ water broke."

Emmett rushed her to the hospital while Alice, Jasper and I followed in our own cars. "Call Renee and Charlie," she said out the window before they pulled away, "And Carlisle and Esme." Then they were screaming down the road in Rose's Audi.

"I'll call mom and dad," Alice said when her phone was already to her ear and she got in the car with Jasper.

"I got Carlisle and Esme on the line," Jasper informed us, covering the receiver with his hand, then returning to his conversation.

I pulled out my phone and navigated to my messages. I decided this was worth calling for, he deserved that much. So I called the only person that needed to be informed. I called Edward.

Hearing his voice was like hearing heaven's gate open. I swear I heard a chorus behind his greeting. We talked briefly and then he was on his way. My body started to vibrate in anticipation. He was going to be here, in the flesh, I couldn't wait to see him. I wasn't ready to admit it, but I was definitely excited.

I made my way to the hospital on the east side of town and traffic wasn't horrendous like I expected; it being 11 at night. Still hectic though, it was a Saturday. My nerves were all over the place. Rose was in early labor, the family all on their way, Carlisle and Esme were sure to be catching a flight this very moment. Alice informed me when I arrived that Charlie and Renee were already on their way; would be here in three hours.

Edward was on his way, he would be here in two hours…two hours. That was on repeat in my head until I got to the room.

Rose was on the bed, a sheet over her, monitors wrapped around her oversized belly and she looked drained. "Hey," I said coolly as I went to her side. Emmett was there, sitting on a chair at the head of the bed.

"Oh Bella," Rose breathed. "It hurts like hell," she laughed painfully. The monitors beeping rhythm began to increase, the sound echoing in the room. Rose started to wither in the bed, her hands cradling her belly.

I'm not the most experienced with childbirth, none at all to be exact, but I do know some and she was definitely having a contraction. Emmett rubbed her shoulders while she leaned forward and Alice was rubbing her feet. The alarm started to decrease and Rose's breathing did with it. She fell back onto the bed, her head like a 50 pound weight on her shoulders.

I got closer to her, leaning over Emmett so she could hear me. "You're going to have baby Rosy, a mama." She smiled; adoration only a mother could possess.

"I know," it looked like she was going to cry, or maybe she already was. "It's all worth it."

I brushed her hair back with my fingers and gave her a hug. "You hang in there, I'm going to go read out in the waiting room and wait for the family. They'll come get me if anything changes okay." I wanted to comfort her but there wasn't much I could do. About the only thing that I could do was give her privacy.

"Thanks Bella."

The monitor started to beep again and that was my cue to leave. Not that I didn't feel for her, I just didn't want to be another pair of eyes watching her while she's in pain.

I would want to suffer alone.

I found a comfy spot by the window and curled up there with my ear buds blasting and my Wuthering Heights in hand. I was still captivated by the story after 10 years; time seems to pass so much quicker when you're in another world. I felt it when the elevator doors opened, the feeling of his presence.

I tried not to look at him, but failed miserably when my head snapped in his direction and there he stood with one hand in his pocket and the other running through his bronze, tousled hair. He gave me a nervous look and his voice shook when he spoke. "Hey."

I took the one ear bud out and shut my book, "Hey. How was the drive?"

He asked about Rose and I gave him the rundown of the situation. He asked me to show him where the room was and all I wanted to do was touch him. I felt selfish for wanting that on this, of all days, but I'd been fighting with myself about seeing him and the feeling I have when he's close to me is indescribable.

Why do I not want this?

Why do I pretend to not want this; is the bigger question.

Because I'm scared of rejection and have a phobia of people abandoning me, people such as Edward who has done it before.

If I ever wanted to get over it and move on I would have to give him that chance, the chance to regain my trust and he couldn't do it if I kept pushing him away. Then it clicked, the moment at school when I felt like I was missing something, I needed to follow my own advice.

He almost ran into me he was that close.

"Edward," I said not looking up to meet his eyes.

"Yes," he breathed as if he were holding it in.

"This book," I held Wuthering Heights firmly in my hands and showed it to him. "This book has been through so much, it's been my savior for many years. It's the same one that I had in my hands when I first saw you in the group home."

"I knew it," he said mostly to himself.

"I want to start over, or at least start fresh. This can be our first meeting." I smiled and finally looked up into his beautiful green eyes that were looking so intensely into mine.

I turned to exit the room and Charlie and Renee were just getting off the elevator. "Bella how's Rose," she asked before I reached her.

"She's doing well, we were just headed there." Edward was right behind me and Renee was sizing him up.

"And who's this?" She asked with perplexity and to be quite honest I didn't want to tell her.

"Oh this is um, Emmett and Jasper's brother Edward; we should get going." I tried to change the subject but she wasn't going to let it go that easily.

"Edward, really?" she whispered as I drug her down the corridor towards Rose's room.

"Yes, please save it," I snapped at her. I didn't want Edward to know that everyone knows about us. I mean the old us not the new and exciting cant-wait-to-leave-this-hospital us.

Six hours later I was an Aunt to a beautiful little boy whose name was still unknown: Eight pounds three ounces and a full head of blond curly hair. We got to see him through the nursery window because at first, he was in special care because of the early birth.

After seeing Rose and the baby Edward and I left, it now being seven in the morning. I agreed that Edward could stay at my house because I wanted him to. I wanted him to sleep in my bed but that I wouldn't admit nor ask him to do. I wanted this to work and we would have to go slow if it's going to. He followed me to my place and parked on the street a few blocks down. When I came out of the parking garage he was standing on the sidewalk waiting for me.

"Hey, so this is it huh," he spun around in a circle looking all around him. "Not too bad, it actually reminds me a lot of my apartment, Portland in general."

"Yeah, Seattle's bigger though," I teased and started the walk up the stairs to the entrance. He followed right behind me, his one bag draped over his shoulder.

Thankfully I'm a fairly clean person so I didn't have to worry about the conditions of my living quarters before I opened the door. I flipped the switch and heard Edward shut the door behind us. There was a light thud on the floor and then his hand grasped mine in the darkness. He pulled me to him and his breath hitched as my chest collided gently against his; the electric current reverberating through me.

His voice was like a lullaby as he spoke, "I want to do this right Bella. I want you to be in my life forever, just as you've always been in my head."

I moved out from under his arms and made my way to the front room of my apartment. I needed space to breathe; to think before I said anything. "I'm scared," is what managed to escape my lips.

"Please don't be scared, I'm not going anywhere." He dodged around to stand in front of me, his hands resting on my shoulders. "I'm going back to Portland but I'm still yours; forever Bella. I don't want or need anything or anyone else as long as I have you."

I needed to change the subject, this was happening all too soon.

"You can sleep on the couch and I'll prepare breakfast in the morning. The remote is on the corner table; you're welcome to watch anything you want. There's food in the fridge if you're hungry." I avoided eye contact because I couldn't confront his pain yet. I knew he felt it because I felt it too.

**_EPOV_**

A nephew; how fucking cool is that. I thought of all the uncle nephew things we were going to do together, all the guys days out we were going to have; Emmett, Jasper and I. I was thrilled; more so about going to Bella's place than anything.

I followed her to her apartment and had to park a few blocks away due to lack of parking. I waited for her on the sidewalk; it was eerie how much the scene around me resembled Portland. The buildings were similar along with the roads and street signs. I thought I might get a conversation out of her, that we could sit up for hours and talk about whatever. I wanted to know everything about Bella, everything I missed. I wanted her to remind me of things that I've forgotten, like the way her hair shimmers red in close lighting or the softness of the skin at her wrist. I was reminded of that when I caught her hand in the dark; I wanted to hold her in my arms, never let her go again.

That was until she told me that I was sleeping on the couch and she retired to her room. It was like her entire attitude toward me changed. Then I remembered the way her eyes looked when I first saw her; conflicted. She wants me, but she's afraid of getting hurt, again. I don't blame her, I feel it to. I felt it when she took her presence away from me and I watched as she retreated. I let my shoulders drop when I went to the couch. I fell onto it, tired as fuck and passed out without even thinking of anything. It was a long day, a long drive and a long morning.

I was looking forward to tonight, thinking maybe Bella would take me out and show me the town. That would be ideal.

I woke up to darkness, a light glow coming from the kitchen. I could hear the sound of clattering cookware and sizzling oil. Then I smelled the bacon, "Mmm." I took a deep breath through my nose and that helped me wake up. I still felt tired but I knew what was waiting for me in the kitchen.

I got up and peeked around the corner to the kitchen. Bella's back was to me and her hips were swaying back and forth. I noticed the wire from her head that disappeared behind her shoulder. I smiled to myself and darted back towards the couch only to continue to the bathroom.

Bella had plates set up and she was dishing out our food when I returned, this time making my presence known, "Morning."

"More like night," she shrugged. "It's five and it's already dark out, can you believe it?" she didn't meet my gaze and I wanted to look into her eyes to see what she was feeling.

"Yeah, so what are your plans for the night?" I took a seat at the bar where she was serving our breakfast/dinner.

"I don't know, it's Sunday night; do you feel like doing anything?" she turned to put the dishes in the sink and took off her apron and hung it up next to the fridge.

"Whatever you want to do is fine with me," I purposefully implied that whatever we did would preferably be done together.

"Oh, well in that case you're in for a pretty boring night," she chuckled softly.

"Sounds good to me, I'm on vacation." I stretched my limbs and my ankles popped forming the perfect sound effects. "Plus," I added, "Boring means relaxing." I let out a sigh and she pushed my plate towards me and put a fork next to it on the counter.

"You took your vacation?" she asked simply.

It sounded like a simple question but really it was much more than the words spoken. It was you took your vacation without asking me if it was okay, without thinking of my feelings first. I didn't mean to take my vacation it just sort of fell into my lap. "Yeah, my boss said it was okay if I did," I trailed off there. I really fucking didn't think of how she would feel about me being around for a week.

"Will you be here the whole week?" She sat down in the seat next to mine and took a bite of the delicious looking egg omelet she made.

"Well, not technically here," I referred to her apartment with my mouth full, "But in Seattle yeah." I grabbed a piece of bacon, crispy just like I like them, and bit off a piece of it nonchalantly.

"Oh, will you be staying at Jaspers or a hotel?

"I haven't asked them, but I'll probably just stay at a hotel. I don't want to impose on them." The omelet was delicious, just as I suspected and it was loaded down with melted cheese and pieces of ham.

"You can stay here if you want to, I don't mind. But I won't be here during the week until around four or so. If you don't mind hanging out by yourself you're more than welcome."

I didn't expect her to offer but I was so fucking elated that she did. "Yeah, if you don't mind; I don't want to impose."

She giggled, "You'll never be imposing Edward." We ate the rest of our meal in silence. The only thing that could be heard was a light moan that her cooking brought out in me. I noticed in my periphery that every time she heard it the edges of her lips curved into a smile.

I tried to help her clean up but she wasn't having it. I managed to get a hug out of her when I thanked her for the best fucking meal I've had in months. She didn't seem to be uncomfortable with it, so I didn't refrain from holding onto her for as long as I could get away with.

"I'm going to see Rose and the Baby," Bella told me when she got out of the shower, her hair wrapped up in a turban fashion. "Do you want to go?"

I was sprawled out on the couch before she came out and when I heard her approach I jetted up to a sitting position. "Yeah, do I have time for a quick shower?" I started rummaging through my things to find fresh boxers and clothes.

"Yeah, I'll finish up in my room, the bathrooms free."

She turned to leave and that's when I noticed I didn't pack any soap. "Shit…Bella," I called and she reemerged from the hall.

"Yeah," her hair was cascading all around her face and down her shoulders; still wet from the shower.

I had to find my voice, "Um," I cleared my throat, "I didn't pack any shampoo or soap. Do you mind?"

"Go for it," she replied without hesitation and returned to her room.

Honey and Lilacs soap and Lilac shampoo with Honey conditioner; all the things I suspected I would find. I remember her smell from when we were younger, it's still the same as it has ever been.

We drove to the hospital together in Bella's A5; she knew the city so she insisted on driving. I didn't argue, the more time I spent with her the better I felt.

Rose was doing great and so was Emmett. The baby, now named Ethan, was out of the incubator and in a bassinet next to Rose's bed. All the happy grandparents were there huddled around the little bundle of new life. Alice and Jasper ran out to get everyone some dinner and Emmett was beaming next to Rose in a rocking chair.

"Hey," Bella called when no one took notice to our arrival. "How's my little nephew?" She cooed and joined in with the rest of the proud observers. Renee was the one to give up her spot as there was no room for Bella to squeeze in.

I heard a lot of ohhs and ahhs coming from all of them and I waited for someone to give up their spot. I didn't want to interrupt.

It didn't take long; Charlie backed out and ushered me to take his spot before Renee filled it back up again. I did as I was told; I couldn't wait to see little Ethan. He was sure to be big and stocky like his goofy father.

* * *

_**First of all, this chapter was originally two chapters but I put them in one because they were both fairly short and I really truly do not like posting short chapters. I don't know why I can't seem to make each POV longer than they usually are but I just can't. CA was always 6000 words or less, BMNM was always 2000 to 4000 and this one is just all over the place. I don't really know why but I'm going to try and make them at least 5000 words. Might not be a big deal to some but it is to me LOL.**_

_**So next chapter will be some fun and excitement but were not quite there. On another note, since I put these two chapters together you will get Edward and Bella as they should be...sooner!!! Next update will be Wednesday...maybe Tuesday night if I'm up to it.**_

_**Thanks for leaving me your thoughts. I'm so sorry if I haven't replied to you but it's one of those things where I could either write the story, do homework or reply to reviews. I almost always choose to write the story. Bad me, homework should come first...right? I didn't think so haha.**_

_**Thank you Scrimmy, once again...ly**_

_**Thank you to the reviewers and the new comers.**_

_**I hope you liked it...let me know your thoughts.**_

_**Leave me sum luv....lil' button just below**_

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	15. Good Luck Chuck

A/N in the a/n after the chapter there is a teaser from the coming chapter...don't forget to check it out.

_**Good Luck Chuck**_

_**BPOV**_

Edward was staying at my apartment during his vacation. I never intended on that, I expected his vacation would be expected and he would have made other arrangements or I would have been ready for it.

I definitely wasn't ready for it, I knew because every moment I felt him near me I broke out in a sweat and my nerves went on the fritz. The butterflies that seemed to be making their way back into my stomach flapped their wings ravenously anytime he spoke. His voice was like a soft melody but strong in contrast, it flowed marvelously into my ears and it percolated into my memory where it stayed hidden until I dreamt…of him.

We spent the first weekend going back and forth to the hospital, none of us could get enough of the new addition to our families.

Ethan, they decided on and it couldn't be more fitting. Ethan Jared Cullen, Jared was Rose and Emmett's way of giving him a middle name that represented Edward and Jasper. They were both equally thrilled when they were informed; they couldn't keep the adoring smiles off their faces.

Every night Edward slept on the couch and I tried like hell to keep my hands to myself. As much as I wanted to be with Edward, to give in to the side of me that wants to take the risk, the side that knows the risk is worth whatever the outcome; I just couldn't let the walls back down for him. They seemed to stand stronger than ever during my attempts to weaken them.

Every time I had the feeling that Edward was going to touch me, just in passing, I recoiled; I dodged any attempt. When I caught glimpses of his face he was in torment. I wanted to smooth his worries, to see him smile all the time because his smile was like a beautiful original piece of art that god created himself. Of course, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

To keep my stress at bay I told myself by the end of the week things should get better, easier. I would warm up to him and he to me. Maybe we could fall right back into the connection we had when we were kids and we were close. Then I told myself that connection never dissipated, life just interfered. That interference was heavy and was going to take a lot to un-wedge but it was possible. I knew it was possible because by Wednesday we were finishing each others sentences like we did way back then, and we were laughing. I was laughing like I did back when he was always with me.

I started to feel alive again and it was all stemming from one person, Edward.

"How was your day?" Edward asked when I arrived home from work on Thursday.

"It was good, Jacob, you remember me talking about him don't you?" I asked as I took my coat off and hung it on the rack at the head of the living room.

"Yeah, of course, he's the one with the tubby fingers who wants to play the flute right? How fucking ironic." Of course his language was the same as always, it seemed to get worse the more comfortable he became. It actually made him sexier in a way, bad Edward.

I gave him a look before I headed toward the kitchen, picking up a dirty plate that was sitting on the edge of my coffee table on the way.

"Oh, hey, I can get that," he scurried off the couch and I picked up my pace to beat him to the sink.

"No, I got it," he reached for it and I snatched my hand out of his reach. He nearly tackled me before I reached the sink and he pried the plate from my straining-to-keep-their-hold-on-it fingers.

"Bella, you have got to let me clean up after myself. I'm a big boy, Esme taught me manners, especially in the presence of a lady," he smiled cheekily and dunked the plate into the sink.

"Well, this is my house and," he cut me off.

"And I'm your guest and it isn't hospitable and blah blah blah. You aren't going to win this argument so you might as well give up." He had me cornered against the counter top, not in a menacing way; more playful than anything.

"I win every argument in my house, all I have to do is show you the door," I teased.

"Well in that case," he reached around me and grabbed the plate out of the sink sopping wet and handed it to me. "You win," he turned and walked back into the front room leaving me standing there in shock.

I cleaned up the kitchen with Edward's help, he appeared back in the kitchen once I started the dishes; I washed and he rinsed. We made dinner together, him watching while I cooked and told him about the drama that goes on at work.

He looked unusually interested in what I had to say, like he was listening intently, taking in every word. I couldn't complain; he was always a good listener, nothing got passed him. It took me back to a time I don't much like to think about, the first time someone came and wanted to adopt Edward.

* * *

It had been a little over six months and we were sitting on the couch where we first met, both of us with one ear bud in. We were listening to Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden; I remember it because that's how I was back then. I held on to the little things that were good, the little things that revolved around the big bad things.

Jennifer, the staff on duty that day, came in with a man and a woman. They looked straight at Edward and Jennifer started talking. I had to pull my ear bud out to hear what she was saying and the moment I did I wished I hadn't.

"This is Edward Masen, he's been here about seven months." She was giving them the run down of Edward's record and his personality. It was like shopping for a puppy; totally ridiculous the way that place worked now that I look back on it, even though I knew it then.

When I looked at Edward with the fear in my eyes, the first time I felt the tearing at my heart, he was furious. He leapt off the couch and that's when it started.

"What the fuck Jenn, Bella and I were busy can't you see that. Excuse me Mr. and Mrs. Potato head," they did resemble the famous couple, "But could you please come back another time."

The woman was shell shocked but not as much as her husband, he was infuriated. "This is the kind of kids you keep at this establishment? You should be ashamed of yourself; this boy is troubled and a nuisance."

"Who the hell are you to put any kind of assumptions on me, you don't fucking know me." Edward's anger only intensified from there.

Later that night he snuck into the girls portion of the building and we snuck out to the park that we'd gone to for privacy because it was located right next to the group home.

"That was close huh," he joked and I practically went into shut down mode.

"Edward, it's inevitable, eventually one of us is going to get adopted. What are we going to do when that happens?" I was scared and frightened. Scared that I would lose him, that he would be taken out of my life never to be seen again. I was frightened because of what I would have to endure when it happened.

That was the first moment I knew that life was only going to get a lot more complicated before it got better.

"I'm not going to let it happen Bells, look at me." My tear stained eyes were conflicted, I was falling back into my pit of despair and the walls were slowly being put up one brick at a time. "We have a connection that's stronger than time, wider than fucking space and tougher than love; nothing can or ever will change that." He crushed me to him and the sobs started to pour out of me.

I almost told Edward I loved him that night. Our relationship was strictly platonic, neither of us ever tried to change that. I wasn't sure and still am not sure if he felt the same way as I did, but now, in this time of our lives he sure acts like he does.

* * *

Thursday night I took Edward with me to the track. He wanted to race me, I in the Acura and he in his Nissan. I didn't have a problem with that but I warned him that he was traveling on dangerous ground.

"You won't beat me," he bragged on our way there. "I am the master of disaster. I will serve you your own ass on a platter Swan." I just laughed.

"We'll see."

Darrell was already there, as he always was and the Acura was sitting pretty right next to the track. Edward had to register his car with the track leaders and I had to get prepared. "Hey Darrell, how's the Cura?" I asked.

"Hey Bella, she's running great, ready for you to take her out for a spin." He handed me the helmet and I threw it on without hesitation. Something about sharing this part of my life with Edward felt huge. Track racing has been my copping mechanism for so many years; something I've done alone just for me. Now I was inviting Edward to come along.

I felt a hand touch the top of my helmet and I spun around only to see Edward looking me up and down. "The helmet suits you," he chuckled.

"Darrell, this is Edward, he thinks he can beat me in a race in his 240. What do you think?" I joked.

"It's nice knowing you Edward," was all he said. Darrell has been very good to me since I started coming here. I thought on a few occasion that he might have some kind of thing for me but thankfully he never proved me right. He threw Edward a helmet and we both got into our cars. I smiled widely at him because he has no idea what he's up against. This has been my rehab for so long now, it was almost second nature.

The lights started to turn and I could feel the torch under my foot, begging to be put to use. I was definitely going to oblige. Yellow, yellow, yellow...Green. My foot slammed to the gas and my other foot lingered on the clutch only for a moment, just for visual effects. The tires screamed and smoke bellowed out from under them. I released the clutch and I was gone.

Edward was a few seconds in front of me but I was pretty sure I was going to take him. I shifted into second, the shrill sound from the engine only egging me on…third. I had him, my front end was even with his passenger side door.

I kept in third a little longer than I normally would have, but the situation called for it. The moment I shifted to fourth the car flew passed his and we crossed the finish line. I hooted and hollered to myself in the car as I slowed to a safe u-turning speed and made my way back to the starting line. Edward was already there, leaning against his car and holding his helmet at his side.

As I got out of the car he sat his helmet down and came over to me. He assisted me in climbing the rest of the way out the window and I smiled proudly up at him when I hopped onto the ground. "Who won," I acted like I didn't know.

"Rub it in much," he joked and unbuckled the buckle under my chin. He pulled my helmet off and had an adoring look on his features. "You are the master," he commented smiling back down at me. I got lost in the emerald sea of his eyes momentarily until Darrell broke my trance.

"Should we get you two a room or are you ready for another go?" I looked away before I blushed and shot a few daggers at Darrell. Was it that obvious?

"I'm down," Edward said from beside me.

"Bring it on Cullen," I said, copying his early name for me.

Friday night when I got home, Edward was in a chipper mood. "Finally, my god Bella, how long does it take for you to drive from one end of town to the other?" He smiled widely at his joke and I feigned being offended.

"Excuse me for working and breathing."

"Alice called," he paused.

"And," I pushed because I knew what he was looking for.

"She wants us to go out with her and Jasper tonight."

Oh he was in for a rude awakening. "I don't go out Edward, but you can definitely go and have a good time; you should," I added.

"I plan on it, and I plan on enjoying the evening with you," he reached my side then and I watched his hand as he reached and obtained my own. "Please will you go to a trashy bar with me?"

I laughed, "You're really asking me in a such a way to go to some hole in the wall scrub factory. I will literally have to come straight home and scrub the diseases off of me."

"I will protect you," he pushed his chest out and did a superman pose, "I will be your antibacterial defender," he proclaimed.

"Well who could refuse that; you're so scary," I joked and headed down the hall.

"Is that a maybe?" he called after me.

"It's a yes, I'll be ready by six." I shut the door behind me and took a deep breath. I don't go out much but I wanted to spend the last couple of nights with Edward in any kind of scene I could. I needed to see who he really was, not the cooped up in my apartment version. I needed to see him from all sides and an intoxicated Edward was sure to be the worst form of Edward if there were to be such a thing. I wasn't exactly looking forward to being in a bar surrounded by people, but I couldn't pass up the prime opportunity.

Alice and Jasper arrived right around six and we walked the seven blocks to the nearest dive bar talking and chatting the whole way. I wouldn't necessarily say it was packed when we arrived but there were enough people to make me uncomfortable in my skin.

We walked to the bar and took up four seats right in a row. "So what are we having first?" Alice sounded so proper and out of place.

"I'm leaning towards a shot," Edward replied. Yeah, this was definitely Edward's scene.

_**EPOV**_

Bella's attitude toward me was up and down, one minute she would be looking at me and I couldn't feel her emotions radiating off of her and then, other times, her eyes were totally blank. It took me a day or two to figure out why.

It was the walls.

They were up but I could see their weakness. They were crumbling and all I had to do was be patient. I could do that. I'd done it once before and I could sure as fuck do it again. So that's exactly what I did. I didn't push her to show affection, I didn't ask for hugs or to try and hold a conversation. I basically let her run that shit, don't speak unless spoken to. That was until Wednesday, the first sign of progress; or I guess in this situation, technically it would be relapsing.

Bella came home from work in a good mood, she was going on and on about this student of hers named…Jacob if I remember correctly. How he was trying so hard to play the flute but his fingers were always managing to get in the way. "Short tubby fingers" is what she called them. She smiled and tried to take it back and rephrase it but I wouldn't let her.

"Oh no, you already said it, no taking it back now."

"That isn't fair," she practically whined, "I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I meant he has short round fingers," she laughed, a hysterical laugh that caused my heart to skip a beat. It was the laugh I used to bring out in her; the walls were falling under my persuasion.

"Well I can't wait to meet this Jacob and shake his tubby hand," I joked and she shot daggers at me with her menacing stare. I thought maybe I _mentally_ spoke too soon, maybe this was just another day when she goes bipolar on me.

"What makes you think you're going to meet him?" Oops.

"Well, I um, I don't know. Spur of the moment response I guess."

She looked down reluctantly at her feet and it was probably the sweetest thing I would ever see. Her foot traced little circles in the carpet as she spoke, "I asked because there is a school production coming up and you're are more than welcome to come if you're around or want to make the drive." She was inviting me to a function that wasn't anything to do with our families, it had everything to do with her and her achievements. I would be nowhere else on the Saturday before Spring break. "For whatever reason," she added.

"I'd love to go," I replied with fervor. "Hey, maybe I can come in and show the kids a thing or two." Why not show off my talents a little, if not, why even have them in the first place.

"Oh yeah? And what can you show them?" she smiled widely; she thought she had me. "Did you keep up on the piano like I always told you to?"

I shook my head, "Yeah, I actually finished writing that song I started and I've played it every time I had a gig. It's always a hit." I decided not to give her the name of it just yet; that could wait.

"How did it go?" She started humming it softly but it was off beat.

"You're close, I'm surprised you remember it that much," I hummed the tune and watched her eyes light up.

"I knew you were there, I knew it was you," she accused.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Rose's dance dinner…thing," she was animated, using her hands to emphasis her emotions.

"You were there?" I played stupid. How would I explain my knowing she was there, feeling she was there.

Thursday night when Bella got home from work she told me about her going to the track. I asked if I could go and told her that I could beat her in a race but she thought differently. "You wish. I will leave you in the dust." She said as she got ready to go.

"If I can go with you we can see about that," I invited myself.

"Okay, but no dirty stuff. We race fair here at the Peninsula," she informed me and I laughed that she thought I would have to cheat to beat her. I really wasn't sure that I could but I was betting on the inevitable competitive nature that most people possess. I just wanted to be with her, not sitting at her house alone. I do enough of that during the day while she's at work.

She whooped my ass, just like she said she would and she did it three times in a row. I was always under the impression that third time's a charm. It was the exact opposite of that. I missed third gear and she smoked me, leaving me in her dust just like she anticipated.

Friday came all too soon and I talked Bella into going out with Jasper and Alice. I wanted to get her out of the house, watch her loosen up and have a good time. I couldn't believe she agreed but I think my sense of humor coaxed her into it.

I bought everyone a round of shots when we first got to the bar, patron, one of my many favorites and apparently Bella's, too. She took it like a champ and without a chaser. My kind of girl, I thought. In every aspect, Bella is right for me. I bought another round and then Jasper insisted on buying us all long Island's.

"Okay, next," Bella called for the bartender, "Can we get another round please." So proper, the guy didn't even hear her.

"Hey, another round," that got his attention. Bella looked at me grateful and I smiled my crooked smile. I'd been saving it, I only ever wanted to show it to her, save for only her eyes to see. I know what it can do; I'm not completely oblivious to the people around me.

I saw the scarlet flush her face before her eyes fell to the bar top and her head followed. The bartender brought us each another shot of patron, this time we made a toast. "To memories," I proclaimed.

"To memories," Bella agreed and I think that might have been the turning point. Alice drug Bella off to the restroom after our fourth round and Jasper and I had another during their absence. I started to wonder what was taking them so long after 15 minutes passed. I started to look around and that's when I saw the root of their tardiness.

One was Mike, Bella's ex, he had her cornered and was rubbing up on her. My nostrils flared and I was off the seat and pushing my way through the crowd in the same moment.

The mother fucker that had Alice cornered was in for one hell of a headache in the morning and I wasn't talking about the hangover he was sure to have. Jasper didn't go to martial arts school for six years for nothing and he was right at my flanks. We burst out of the little crowd that was dividing us then and Mike's back was to me, even better, I thought menacingly.

I lost track of Jasper when I grabbed a handful of the back of Mike's shirt and pulled him off of a shaking and scared Bella. The look in her eyes was pure fright and Mike was gaining his balance.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he yelled, still swaying from being intoxicated.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, putting your fucking hands on her?" I was not afraid of Mike, I was right up in his face and he was falling back with every step I got closer.

"Whatever I want, she wasn't complaining." His breath reeked of alcohol and his words came out almost inaudible

"You call her withering in fright and pushing you away not complaining." It was taking all of my will not to take that mother fucker out. His cropped hair and out of order facial structure was asking for a makeover and I was so fucking ready to oblige.

I saw out of my periphery, the man that put his hands on Alice, taking a swing at Jasper and Jasper totally dodging it. I turned my full attention to him and when I did I was sucker punched right in the cheek bone and most of my right eye. It stung, but only added to my fury. My fist went back and then forward packing a lot of force. One hit and Mike was out cold. Jasper did some weird jujitsu shit and we were out of there, Bella and Alice in hand.

We continued down the sidewalk and I had no intentions of stopping until we got back to Bella's. I wanted the safety of her domain, so much progress could very well be lost and all because of that douche Mike.

"Edward, slow down," Bella called from behind me, her hand in mine. I didn't realize I was walking so fast she was having to run to keep up. I slowed my steps but didn't stop; Bella's place was only four more blocks away.

"Bella…are you okay?" She was walking beside me now, I could see her face and she looked to be fine, a little shaken maybe.

"I'm fine, are you okay?" Her words were slurred and cute in a because-its-her fashion.

"I'm good, pissed the fuck off, but better now that we're almost home." I didn't correct myself because it wasn't necessary. If she wanted to then so be it.

She didn't.

"Bro, we're going to head home, I'll give you call in the morning." Jasper's car was parked two blocks from Bella's and we reached it before the apartment.

"Okay, be safe man, and way to protect your woman, that was sick what you did."

"Yeah, anything for my pixie." He swept her up into his arms and carried her, the remaining 10 or so steps, to their car.

Bella and I continued to her apartment in silence. She couldn't manage to get the key into the keyhole so I assisted her. The moment we were inside Bella laid straight down on the floor in the hall, he cheek pressed hard against the cold wooden floor.

"Bella sweetie, you can't lay on the floor," she groaned and wouldn't let me help her up. I slid my arms under her and lifted her to me, carrying her towards her room.

"No," she cried, "I want to sleep on the couch..." Her arms wrapped around my neck, "With you."

"No you don't, there isn't much room and besides, you're drunk or at least feeling it pretty good right now and you'd probably regret it in the morning."

She shook her head energetically. "No, I am not drunk and no I will not regret it." I laid her down on her bed and she pulled me down with her. I may have let her do it though.

"Bella, this isn't a good idea. I should go to the couch." She had a death grip on me and I wasn't getting out of it unless she let me.

"No, stay with me until I fall asleep," she nuzzled closer to me, pushing me back so my back was to the headboard. Her right leg came over and rested right on my middle and her head laid on my chest. "I can hear your heart beat," she cooed and tapped my chest with the tips of her fingers; thump thump thump thump. It was definitely irregular.

"Shh." I started rubbing the top of her head, her arm, her neck, her sides; all to get her to loosen up and fall out.

"Don't shush me Edward," her voice was lame and her hand came up in a frail attempt at smacking me….and then she was out.

I crawled out from under her and covered her up with her blanket. I got out to the couch and plopped down on it, the night running through my head. Then my face started to hurt. I leaned forward over the coffee table and put my face in my hands. I didn't move from that position until I was startled out of an almost asleep like state by a hand coming to rest on my shoulder blade.

"What are you doing up?" I asked groggily having to clear my throat to get my voice back entirely.

She didn't say anything but climbed into my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck once again. "Let's go to bed."

"Bella," she stopped me before I could continue.

"Yeah, yeah let's go to bed. That's what I'm trying to say, take me to bed."

"I don't think you'll be happy if you wake up next to me in your bed." I held her close to me because there was nowhere else I wanted to be then here in her embrace. "You aren't in the right state of mind to make those kinds of decisions." I still got up and headed to her room, if anything I needed to get her to bed.

Right as we were about to pass the bathroom her hand shot out and caught the door frame and stopped me in my tracks. "Go," she ordered and I did as I was told. She flipped the switch on after three tries. "Set me down," she was a bossy drunk.

She turned slightly to rummage through the cupboard and brought out the peroxide. "You're bleeding," she said before she dumped a larger amount of the peroxide than necessary onto a few squares of toilet paper. "Come here," she beckoned me with her index finger; biting her bottom lip in concentration.

I moved closer to her, so close that I felt her warmth all around me. She took my chin in her soft hands and tilted my head so she could reach the cut on my cheek bone. "This may hurt a little."

She gingerly pressed the paper to my skin, her eyes squinting before each application; as if she were going to feel my pain herself. It stung slightly, but I was mesmerized by Bella's pureness, she was good through and through. She deserved someone that would treat her right and hold here on the pedestal she deserved to be on. I wanted to be the person to do it because I already had the pedestal; I just needed her to hop aboard.

After she was done with the peroxide she leaned on the tips of her toes and blew lightly on the now clean area. I don't know if she knew she was doing it but damn Bella knew how to get a guys blood pumping.

"There," she smiled and looked at me as if I was going to give her a treat. I didn't have anything to give her except compassion, so I did. My eyes closed as I inched nearer to her, tilting my head just so to move in at just the right angle. I saw her eyes close too and just before I reached her, her body bowed over and she darted for the toilet.

Bella spent the next few hours lying on the bathroom floor. I brought her a pillow and her blanket. I removed her shoes and got a wet wash cloth, cold, to put over her face. Eventually I ended up with her head in my lap as my back rested against the tub and I ran my fingers through her hair.

She stilled for a while but eventually a time would come when she would start moaning lightly. Her lips would start to quiver and then she would reach for the toilet and pull herself up before releasing the poison that was inside her. I helped her up each time and rubbed her back while holding her hair out of her face. My stomach was fine, I never got drunk, just a buzz so lucky for her I was more than willing to take care of her. I'd do it every day if it meant I could be with her.

I'm sure I wouldn't have too, she doesn't seem to drink that often; especially if four shots would do this to her.

_**BPOV**_

I woke up, my head in Edward's lap and it took me a moment, until my vision cleared, to realize we were in the bathroom. Edward was propped up against the tub, his head resting on a towel lying over the side of it. His hand was wrapped protectively around the back of my head and his fingers were intertwined with the strands of my hair.

My mouth was dry and tasted like the worst kind of morning breath imaginable, like I ate five spiders in my sleep. I needed water. My eyes searched the room until I spotted a glass next to the toilet, it was half full of water. I reached my arm out for it but came up short. I wiggled my fingers like it would make a difference, and of course it did not.

The moment I moved my head in the slightest Edward woke up and was in a panic. "Whoa, whoa, are you okay, let me help you." He was so in tuned with me it was unreal. "You want some water?" he reached out for it and gave it to me. I accepted it and drank it down, two gulps.

"Thank you," my voice sounded harsh, my throat felt raw.

"You're feeling better," he noted, "Thank god. You were starting to scare me there." He smiled groggily at me and leaned his head back down on the tub.

"Will you do me a favor?" I asked.

"Sure," he responded almost robot like.

"Will you take me to bed? I don't want to walk but I don't want to be on this hard floor anymore, it's hurting my back."

He started to move right away, "Sure yeah, let me get up…" he was talking to himself while he moved… "And then I'll pick you up," he did as he said.

He carried me to the hall and to my room with my arms wrapped around him and my head leaning against his chest. He was warm, I didn't want to let go but when he laid me down he stayed standing. He tucked me in and stood there for a second observing my surroundings, "Edward."

"Yeah," he was winded, probably exhausted from the position he was in while he was sleeping. I tried to remember how we got that way and the last thing I could really remember was cleaning the cut on his cheek. Then little pieces of the rest of the night came back to me and I realized Edward had taken care of me. He stayed by my side, even held my hair for me.

"Will you lay with me please, I'm cold." I didn't want to sound desperate, but in that moment I really was. I was ready to say anything to get him in my bed.

"Only if you want me to, I don't want you to be uncomfortable for my sake." Always assuming the best of me, little did he know I wasn't thinking about his benefit; I was thinking of my own.

"You're warm and I can't sleep when I'm cold," I fake shivered and decided I wouldn't do it again because it made me feel nauseous again.

He walked around my bed and I felt him crawl onto it and then he laid up against me. I laid there for a moment waiting for him to wrap his arm around me or get under the covers, both of which I wanted him to do.

He didn't.

He just laid there.

So I started wiggling my way out of the covers, slow as to not cause any more upchuck reflexes, and threw them behind me to include him under them. His arm mechanically started to drop over me and then he pulled it back.

"Shit, sorry," he said nervously.

"No…" I reached over with the arm I wasn't laying on and tried to grab for his arm but I couldn't feel it. He must have put it in my line of reach because suddenly it was there and I pulled him over me, totally succumbed to his embrace.

I felt his breath on the back of my neck and it sent shivers down my back and caused my skin to raise. I pushed myself across the bed up against his chest and marveled in the feel of him. He was strong and smelled so good; I'd never experienced such a thing. Nothing could compare to the way I felt when I was in his arms. No other man has brought this out in me, not even Mike and he was the one to deflower me.

I wished I could take it back.

"Bella," he whispered, "You know this is killing me right?"

I played stupid but I knew exactly what he was talking about. "What?"

"Don't play stupid with me, you know what I'm talking about. Being with you like this," he took a deep breath and sat up, leaning on his forearm. "This whole week has been the best time I've had in years. It just fucking sucks thinking I'm the only one that feels that way."

I thought back over the week that has now pretty much passed. Coming home to someone was nice; I hadn't realized how lonely I really was until now. The conversations were refreshing and the cooking was a great change. I'd missed cooking, since Alice moved out I only made small things; I love to cook. Edward seemed to enjoy my cooking, he inhaled everything I made and never once had a complaint.

Once he said I was going to spoil him and when he went home it was going to be torture on his taste buds. I smiled at the memory of how ecstatic I was that he liked it that much. I laughed a lot, he laughed with me, we joked around, and we were quiet together, watched TV and movies together. The last week really had been the best time of my life, and it was almost over.

I rolled over to face him, worried that my breath smelled as bad as it tasted but too overcome with emotion to care about it. His arm stayed draped over me and before he could say anything, do anything or even comprehend what _I_ was doing; I kissed him.

Something struck my memory cord as soon as our lips touched; Edward had tried to kiss me last night after I bandaged him up. I was going to make up for that and show my appreciation for what he did for me.

I felt his tongue flirting at my lips and I pushed mine hard against his as our tongues caressed one another. His arm constricted around me crushing me almost too close to him and I knew right then and there that it would never be close enough. I didn't care anymore about the 10 years that just passed; I didn't care that I couldn't see the future and know that he would never leave because he didn't leave of his own accord in the first place. He had come back for me, we had broken each other's hearts equally and now it was time to mend them together.

All of my thoughts and emotions, happy, sad and excited, poured into the kiss. It wasn't rushed, it was soft and sexual, just as I pictured it would be. I'd never kissed Edward, even during our beginning years which were strictly platonic. I'd be lying if I said I never wanted to be more than that, for it to have been like this. I thank god it wasn't though, because I don't think I would have survived the separation, I would have lost my sanity a long time ago.

The kiss went on until it became light pecks and smiles between us. Eventually I just lay in his arms, dying to know what he was thinking.

He shifted beside me and I could hear his intake of breath, "So am I supposed to interpret that to be your answer to my unspoken question?"

I laughed, "Am I supposed to understand that question?" I teased.

"I'm going to miss you when I leave; it's going to almost literally kill me to be away from you." It was going to kill me just the same; just thinking about it made my heart beat fast. One more day is all we had left.

"I don't want to think about that…" I paused, wanting desperately something else to talk about, "What are we going to do today?"

"It wouldn't bother me a fucking bit if we stayed right here." He cuddled closer to me and nuzzled his face into my hair. "You smell so good," he exhaled heavily.

We stayed in the bed and I eventually fell asleep in Edward's arms. When I woke up he was still sleeping. He looked so peaceful and content I couldn't look away. A smile started on my lips and I couldn't believe all of this was happening.

Fate definitely had her hand in this. So many times we were put in each other's paths. If we weren't so blind and so troubled by our pasts maybe we would have paid closer attention and could have been happy sooner. None of that mattered now, it was all in the past, all said and done; never to be relived.

Life was looking up.

* * *

_**Mike got knocked the fuck out....love it...because I really dislike him. So Bella and Edward had their first kiss..ever! It wasn't anything special because Bella's heart and emotions are fighting against one another. She knows she loves Edward, she knows she wants Edward, but she doesn't know that Edward loves and wants her. She has been let down her whole life and people in and out of her life during the growing stages so her mind is molded to think that's how life works. I promise she will come around, and soon. **_

_**Jasper knows jujitsu haha I love that. I had to do it, Jasper being a war soldier and all, at least in his past life. Also, I was wondering how many of you have noticed that the titles to all of my chapters are romance movie titles? Haha, I'm sure most of you noticed, I thought it would be kind of fun. At first I tried to find titles that had a little bit to do with the chapters but it wasn't working out like I'd hoped. So now it's just movie titles at random. All of which are really good...(I haven't seen Remember Me yet so that one I'm not sure about) I don't know if I'll be able to see it because it is so weird seeing [Edward] kiss another girl. It was hard for me to watch Adventureland haha that was a funny movie though. I think the only reason I will go and see Remember Me is to see the Eclipse trailer. It is so crazy how you can't find anything about Eclipse online but when it was New Moon I basically saw the movie before it came out there were so many clips and pics. **_

_**Okay enough babbling. **_

_**Thank you so much for your reviews and I hope you continue to do so. I will be updating Friday this week and possibly Sunday, depends on how many people are antsy for the next update. Here is a little teaser from the next chapter.**_

_I didn't take my time, I ran like a wild woman down the sidewalks. The street lights lit my way as the rain tried to blind me. I didn't let that slow me down, through blurry vision and deep breaths I pushed forward._

_I came around the corner that was just before his apartment and was astounded at what met me on the other side._

_He stood there motionless, his white shirt sticking to his chest and arms from the rain. His hair was disheveled and hanging in front of his eyes. His mouth formed a small o probably mirroring my own expression._

_We stood there locked and lost in each other's eyes. The humming sensation grew stronger and stronger until I think he couldn't handle it anymore. He reached out to me, his eyes never leaving mine, "Come inside?" he asked, his hand out stretched in front of him, offering for me to take it._

_Without leaving the solace of his stare I put my hand in his without a second thought. I know now where I want to be and that is in the arms of the strong, beautiful caring man pulling me to shelter._

_ As soon as we were under the awning of the door I pulled back on his hand and he turned to look at me, confusion and enthrallment clear on his face. He opened his mouth to speak but my lips shushed him as they met his. I was sick of thinking about kissing him; I wanted to do it and mean it and do it whenever I wanted to. So I did it now; urgently at first because I couldn't and wouldn't wait any longer and, after a few minutes, it was languid and seductive._

_**Next chapter will be a good one, I promise but it isn't the end of the story, not even close. I am thinking there will be close to 30 chapters, don't hold me to that though, it's just an estimate. **_

_**Thank you Scrimmy, who is know addicted to the fanfic Wide Awake written by AngstGoddess003...I knew you would be! I told you so, I told you so, haha. If you haven't checked it out I highly suggest that you do. One of the best I have read. It is listed on my favs but I also suggest you go to AG's **__**page and click on her LJ link because it is uncensored there. It's rated M for very detailed lemons and language....lemony goodness with my fav version of Edward....Darkward.**_

_**Leave me sum love....lil' button just below**_

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	16. Dear Bella John

**15. Dear _(Bella)_ John**

_**EPOV**_

Bella kissed me. She made the first move and she kissed me. It was fucking amazing, I'd never felt so complete until that moment. Like fireworks went off and everyone was cheering when our lips finally touched. I'd never admit it but back when we were kids I wanted to do that every day I was with her. I wanted to tell her then that I loved her but I never did because I didn't want to jeopardize what we had. I didn't think she would be okay with that and I didn't want her to push me away.

So I kept my feelings to myself but I wasn't going to do it again. I wasn't going to confess my undying love for her just yet but I was going to let her know how much she meant to me. I think I did the entire time we laid in bed holding each other and just being there in the moment.

She fell asleep before me and she said my name while she dreamt. She also said olive juice. I wasn't sure what that had to do with anything but I know that's what I heard. I was mulling over it until I finally fell out, the most wonderful fragrance lingered in my dreams.

I woke up to Bella's beautiful smile and her big doe eyes boring into mine. "Good morning beautiful," I smiled back but it was a lazy one. I didn't have the energy to produce a real one yet.

"Morning, are you hungry?" she asked.

I wasn't until she mentioned it, "Starving." She attempted to give me a quick kiss but I caught her around her neck and drug it out until she pulled away. "I have to go if you want anything to eat."

I shrugged, "Who needs food."

She made an amazing breakfast and I made her sit in my lap as we ate it. She didn't seem to mind and it wasn't a difficult task to achieve. We stayed in her apartment all day Saturday, and ignored Alice and Jasper's calls until they started texting. Bella responded to Alice's saying, "We are dead to the world today…wana have lunch tomorrow before Edward leaves?"

* * *

We met them at a local diner and chatted about the coming summer vacation and how Alice and Jasper were planning on finally picking a date soon. Alice and Bella got into an animated conversation over it and Jasper grabbed my attention.

"Did you tell her?" he asked low enough they wouldn't hear.

I was hoping he wouldn't bring it up, "No, not yet." I didn't want to tell her, I wanted to know if I had a chance at a life with her, so I had to. But not now, not here in the diner.

After we were done eating I asked Bella to take a walk with me, I wanted more time alone with her and I also had to tell her what I've been putting off since she kissed me. My decision had been practically made before I had to take my vacation on such a short notice, now I don't know.

We were walking down a long strip and we came across a look out point that spread out across Lake Washington. I pulled her to the railing and she wrapped her arm around my waist as we leaned against it.

"So, what's going on here?" I asked, unsure of the right way to put it into words.

She continued to look out at the water, the wind was blowing her hair wildly around her face and she looked like she was deep in thought.

"I'm not sure yet, but I think it's something worth pursuing." She still didn't look at me.

I needed something more than that, "I got a job offer at my work, they want to give me a raise and bonuses."

She finally looked at me, "That's great, congratulations." Her smile was genuine.

"Thanks, but there's a catch." Here goes, "They want me to transfer to New York, to work at Madison Square Garden." Her eyes glossed over and her smile faded. I wasn't sure what it meant but her hold around my waist dropped and she started to walk back the way we came without a word.

"Wait Bella," I jogged after her and she shoed me away.

"Don't," she demanded. "Just…don't." She picked up her pace and so did I. I wasn't going to let her walk away from me.

"I just want to know where I stand, I won't go if there is a chance we can make this work."

She wouldn't look at me, she was putting up the walls as I tried desperately to get her to listen to me. "Please."

She stopped suddenly and I had to back track a few steps to stand in front of her. Her head was down, her hand pressed against her forehead. When she looked up at me it made my chest heave. "I don't know where this is going Edward, I can't promise you anything and I won't sit here and tell you it will turn into something when I don't even know what that something is." She dodged around me and I watched in disbelief as she walked out of my sight. I was stunned into submission; I couldn't find any words to stop her. She was right, neither of us knew what was going on between us nor could we see the future. If I wanted to ride this thing out and see where it takes me then going to New York is the worst idea.

So it was down to Bella or my career. A career I have been waiting for since I received my degree. Bella, who at one point in time, was my world and my everything. There was only one way to find out if that were still true.

* * *

Bella returned to the diner and I sat back at the look out trying to decide what I was going to do. Risk my dream job for my dream girl? Or call it a loss and go with a guarantee?

A woman was running by in her spandex shorts and her jogging shirt. She had little weights in her hands and ear buds in her ears. Her hair was up and she stopped a few feet away from me to catch her breath.

"Nice day for a run." The me pre Bella would have said something more personal, something like, "_Milk does the body good_", or something cheesy like that. Girls seem to like that shit, at least they always seem to when I say them.

"Yeah," she replied winded, "Everyday. Well have a good day," she said before she ran off in the direction she was originally headed.

I started to think about all the woman of my past; all the women in my future. The ones in the past I couldn't see clearly because they were all spur of the moment. I have no clue how a real relationship works. I know what is expected but will I be able to do it? When I thought of the women in my future I only saw one person; one pair of chocolate eyes smiling back at me.

That was the future I wanted, the future I was going to fight for; I was going to make it happen even if it kills me.

_**BPOV**_

Just when I thought I could be happy; let down the walls and be with Edward in every way possible he drops that on me. He wants a sure thing and I can't give him that. I also can't expect him to give up a job offer that I'm sure he's been waiting and hoping for. I didn't even wait for him at the diner, I walked home because I didn't want to say goodbye. I couldn't, not again.

When I got into the confines of my apartment, I felt like I was experiencing it all over again. Why did he come back into my life only to repeat history? Were we going to go another 10 years without seeing each other? Or did I push him away because I was afraid of getting in too deep and getting my heart crushed again.

I fell asleep thinking about that and the dream was like what would have been. What would have been if Edward would have stayed? What would have happened if he would've come back in time to see me or if I would have left him a number?

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night, I didn't look at my clock but it was still dark. I was sweating profusely and tears were straining down my cheeks.

So that's how it's going to be now; a whole new round of dreams. Could life get any worse?

Edward didn't text me at all and I couldn't say if I was grateful or hurt about it. Two weeks had gone by and the dreams continued their new course.

It was Thursday, and I was just about to go to the track when my phone vibrated in my coat pocket.

_I miss you Bella, so much. I've tried so hard not to bother you because believe me I know how bad it hurts. Will you please talk to me?-E_

_How's the new job?-B_

_I don't know, I don't have to give my answer until Monday. Say the words and I won't take it.-E_

_I don't have any words to say. Except good luck and I hope your life is exactly how you imagined it.-B_

_It's nothing like I want it to be, so close yet so far away.-E_

I didn't respond to that because, truly, I had no words; at least not any nice ones. It seems like he's putting all the weight on my shoulders, it was up to me to decide on our fate. I was happy he texted me but I knew deep down that it was only feeding my addiction. I had to cut the ties any way that I could if I ever wanted to be sober again.

The track was sure to take my mind off of things. Edward messaged me once more and I tried really hard to not look at it but lost the fight when I parked at the raceway.

_You're on your way to the raceway aren't you? I wish I could be there with you. I know how much you enjoy it and I enjoy your happiness.-E_

A smile formed on my face and tears filled my eyes but didn't run over. He knew what I was doing, he remembered and he enjoys my happiness. My emotions have been on this roller coaster for so long now. One minute I feel like he's telling me the truth; that he would never hurt me or leave me again. Then I remember how I felt the first time; every time someone in my life has left me. That pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Like now, reading his words, I want to tell him not to take the job. To stay in Portland or even Seattle and be with me. I have been lying to myself since our last encounter. Trying to convince myself that I didn't miss him. That I didn't need_ him_ to make me happy.

But I do need him, every part of me cried for his touch, for the tingly feeling of electricity to take over. I don't want to be sober, to be intoxicated by his presence every day forever is what I so dearly desire. Emotional roller coaster commence.

_I wish you were here too.-B_

I couldn't tell him everything I was feeling because I'm afraid and I want him to show me something, to show me that I can trust him. To prove to my subconscious that he cares as much as I do and that he would rather walk through a fiery pit of coals than break my heart again.

I needed a guarantee just as he needed one, but there was no way to get that so we would both have to take the risk.

I was at the track now; I saw Darrell, Eric's cousin, under the track car; the one he was planning on selling to me. He'd told me about it last week. He wanted 5700 for it and I had 3000 saved. When I have 4000 I can get the car from him and pay the rest on payments. I couldn't freaking wait.

There was someone standing next to him and a car I'd never seen before. It was eerily familiar but not from here.

A new kind of sensation shot through me, it was deep and almost painful, but good. I saw a figure standing over Darrell and when the wind gusted I saw the bronze glint of his hair.

My phone vibrated in my hand and sent me jumping. I looked at it hurriedly as my mind and my heart were doing flips.

_I can be there in three hours, don't ever hesitate to tell me. Bella…can I call you…please?-E_

I was approaching the car now and as I got closer and my vision got better. Through the darkness I noticed the man standing there was not who my imagination was trying to trick me into seeing. That feeling I had was anticipation and hope but my subconscious knew better; I wasn't going to be that lucky.

Life is funny sometimes.

"Hey Darrell," I stopped at his feet and the man looked at me sideways.

"Hey Bella, we had some problems with the struts, they seem to be in working order now." He slid out from under the car and dusted himself off before getting up. "You ready to hit the track?" His tone was energetic.

"Hell yeah."

192 mph, I broke my personal record. Normally I don't push myself, especially when the turns come. Tonight was different, I was running on all the mixed up feelings I was experiencing. I thought about Edward the entire time. It felt more like a dream by the time I was pulling the e-brake.

I answered all of the questions previously in my head. Edward didn't come back into my life to repeat history, if I looked deeper I could see that. The way he looked at me so fervently, the way he spoke so tenderly and the fact that he remembered where I would be tonight was proof of that. Edward came back to right the wrong that was done by both of us and it could only be done if we both participated.

We would not be going 10 years apart again, not if I had anything to do with it. Did I push him away because I was afraid, the answer to that is yes. I am more afraid of getting my heart broken than I am of dying tomorrow. But love is pain and I was ready, truly and utterly ready to take that risk.

When I got back to my car I contemplated calling him; I really wanted to hear his voice, more than anything I wanted to feel him. Of course I chickened out and sent him a text.

_Prove it.-B_

That was it, he would either know what that meant or he wouldn't. If he did then I'm sure he would do what it takes. If he didn't then I guess I was wrong; my heart would be re-broken. Sending that text was more than two little words, it was my walls crumbling and my heart opening up, preparing to accept his proof wholeheartedly. I waited patiently for his response, sitting in my car in the empty parking lot, nine pm.

_Are you saying we have a second chance? Because if that's what you're saying than I'm not taking the job.-E_

_First I want proof, don't make any decisions until then.-B_

_I'm sending you something, you should have it Saturday. The package will be my proof, it's all I have and I hope and pray that it will do the job.-E_

_I'll be waiting…I want to tell you I'm sorry for how touchy I've been, I'm just not good with stress and I can't seem to keep my anxiety at bay.-B_

_No apology necessary, I forgave you before there was anything to forgive.-E_

_Good night Edward.-B_

_Good night Bella, I can't wait to see you again.-E_

I was thrown into a vision of our next reunion, full of emotion and pent up sexual frustration. I desperately wanted Saturday to come sooner than I knew it would. I thought about that as I fell asleep and they transferred over into my dreams.

* * *

Friday came and went and my evening consisted of texts to Edward and mind arguments about calling him. Saturday finally came and I waited impatiently for the door bell to ring.

When I saw the UPS truck pull up I was ecstatic. I was overjoyed about receiving something that I had no clue what it was. I didn't care; it was from Edward to prove his love for me and I couldn't be any giddier.

The UPS guy came and dropped a medium sized box off and I signed for it on his little electronic device. I made way to the couch, pulling off the tape on the way. I sat cross legged and opened the lid to the cardboard box. There was a lot of ghost poop in the box but I engulfed my hands into it and felt around until I felt something solid.

_**EPOV**_

She wanted me to prove it. At first I thought prove what? But it didn't take me long to figure it out. She wanted me to prove that I missed her, prove that I wasn't going to abandon her like so many others in her life have. Unintentionally, myself included.

I thought about what I could do to prove it, that without a doubt I would be by her side as long as she wanted me to be. Even then, I probably wouldn't go far.

Then it came to me, the only way to prove it, I didn't even give it a second thought. I sent her a message saying I was sending her something, it would be there Saturday.

It was like a dark chapter in my life was being closed and the writer hadn't yet written the following chapters. I silently hoped it would be a bright chapter that includes Bella on every page just like before. This time being only happy thoughts and happy dreams.

Saturday came and I knew today was going to change everything good or bad. Some of the things were mean and hurtful things that I said about her, but underneath there was love and passion. I hope she'll be able to read between the lines. If she can then she will see the extent of my devotion. I wrote her a letter, saying everything I was feeling and the hopes I have for our future. I also asked her to call me; hopefully she would.

Some things I didn't really want her to read but I wanted her to know me through and through, that's what she needed and I was more than willing to present it to her. Some things I am ashamed of but I take them in stride and if she is the strong, smart beautiful woman I know she is, then she will see that I have grown and learned from my mishaps.

I waited, sitting on my couch with the television on, for her to contact me in any way. When midnight rolled around I was restless, I couldn't even remember one thing I watched all day. My mind was constantly on her. I imagined her sitting on her couch, rolled up into a ball like she always did when she read; flipping through the pages.

Was she mad? Hurt? Happy? Did it help or make matters worse? Was it a mistake to send it to her? No, it wasn't because sending it to her was my last resort, my last hope at showing her that I am in love with her. I have been since the moment I saw her long ago, broken and shielded.

I was broken and shielded too.

She helped me deal with my feelings just as much as I helped her. The only difference between us was that I hid it very well. Bella couldn't hide it, the damage was done and welded in her so deeply that the pain and suffering spilled out of her.

I didn't leave the couch and I didn't bother eating anything all day. I wasn't really there, in my apartment; at least not in spirit. I was with Bella, she held me in her hands as she read the pages of my psyche.

I was awoken by the loud rain drops on my window. I wasn't even aware that I'd fallen asleep. I could see and hear the storm fighting and screaming in its attempts to contact the earth. The lightening was bright when it lit up the room and the thunder roared so, that I felt it on the couch.

My mind ran right back to Bella, she never contacted me and I was starting to fear the worst. I'd run her off for good, maybe letting her in so deeply wasn't the greatest idea after all. I had to know, and calling wasn't good enough, I had to see her.

It was three in the morning so I would get there around six. I didn't even bother changing or showering or even thinking it through.

I jumped off the couch, grabbed my keys, my phone and slipped on my shoes. I didn't even think to grab a jacket as I ran through the house and to the door, not bothering to lock it on my way out. I made my way through the lobby and out the front doors where the rain had picked up or so it seemed. I pushed the button for my alarm and b lined it to my car, the rain had nothing on me.

I was shocked stone cold, I couldn't believe my eyes. I blinked several times and decided that what I was seeing wasn't real.

My whole life shifted in that moment.

BPOV

Journal Entry 1: July 17th 2000

_It feels like the world is crashing down all around me._

_All I can do is sit by and watch it happen._

_Love—gone and the void filled with lust, hunger and filthy unemotional sex. _

_Trust—out the window, I don't trust anyone except Emmett and Jasper._

_Not even the good ol' doctor and his wife; fuck them._

_Sure they let me live in their fuck of a nice house and they clothe me well enough._

_Abercrombie sporting attire; they sprung for the spendy shit and I was all for it. _

_They even got me a top of the line Zero skateboard, it's my baby, we do everything together. _

_It's what got me through the time post Bella; those times were the fucking worst. _

I couldn't believe he was letting me read this. His inner most thoughts and feeling pouring out onto the pages. There was a small part of me that didn't want to read it but the bigger part of me needed it.

So I read page after page. Some entries were about things that made him angry or things that made him feel like he could move mountains. There were never any girls mentioned, none except for me. The amount of times I saw my name were endless. One page held nothing but my name written over and over again, different angles and different script. Every page had my name on it or something about me. Not that it was all good, because really most of it was hurtful and made me mad.

I saw through it though, to the underlining message. He was miserable without _me_, he couldn't blame himself so he blamed me; just as I blamed him. I couldn't hold that against him; that would make me a hypocrite.

After our first reunion the entries were different, they were reflections on the past and how much change has happened to bring on the present. On many occasions he mentioned a feeling, a pulling that only took him in one direction; toward me. My breath hitched and I read faster when I saw that.

"He does feel it," I said to myself out loud.

I'd wondered about that for so long. He also dreamt about me every night just as I dreamt about him. I wondered if they were the same dreams, like we were meeting there because we were too blind and hurt to take the initiative. I'd like to think that was true. That our subconscious never gave up and now it was celebrating inside.

I stayed on my couch all day, my legs pressed against my chest, reading his journal. I cried at some parts, even laughed, but I also felt his emotions in every entry. I started to think that maybe, just maybe, even though I never thought it possible, but maybe our separation _was_ harder on him than it was on me.

I came across one entry, one that I remember because it started out like this.

Journal Entry 367: December 24th, 2007

_Again fate has thrown us together. _

_There she sits across from me reading her old withered copy of Wuthering Heights, curled up in the same ball like the first time I laid eyes on her._

_I can feel the pain radiating off of her, like she wants to pounce on me and make me pay for what happened._

_Or, is it that she wants to be closer to me?_

_No, that's just wishful thinking._

I knew he wrote that when we had the layover in Vegas. I knew by the date and descriptions. I read every page, every impressionable experience he had during our separation and beyond. Then I came to the last entry. I wouldn't really call it an entry, more like a letter and just the first line caused my heart to swell and my chest to constrict.

_My Bella,_

_I have been writing in this journal almost every day since I discovered I lost you forever. My heart and soul lie on these pages and I hope and pray that it's the kind of proof you're looking for. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you, not a night that I haven't dreamt of you. _

_I'll admit, for a long while, I resented you. I blamed you for everything, but it's easy to put blame on someone else, especially when you think you'll never see that person again._

_The moment I saw you in Tampa all I felt was anger and hurt. I couldn't think properly and all I wanted to do was make sure you were just as bad off as I was. I needed to know that my absence had had the same effect on you that yours had on me. When I followed you outside and saw you crouching there next to the fence I had an overwhelming need to comfort you. _

_I wanted to be the shoulder for you to lay your head on and be the one to make you smile again because all I saw was the girl I met way back when._

_I want you to know, Bella, that if you give me this chance I will not screw it up. We are adults now and there is no one that can make me leave your side; no element on earth that could convince me to go through that again or to put you through it. _

_I want to make you smile and hear you laugh. I want to race our cars at the raceway and get my ass handed to me on Wii sports. I want to eat your mouthwatering dishes and hear your beautiful voice everyday of the rest of my life. I am so ready, have been since Christmas, to be everything that you need and want me to be because I know that you are my everything. _

_Please call me or message me or something because I die a little with every day that passes and I don't hear from you. Just knowing that you're okay and happy, or at least okay, makes my days a lot easier. _

_Irrevocably and eternally yours,_

_Edward Cullen_

My heart was pounding as I read the last page of his journal, the tears were in my eyes and my hands were trembling. It was like the feeling you get when you've finally achieved your dream or seeing your baby for the first time, I assume. I felt complete and I felt like nothing else mattered or existed outside of me and the man I could no longer bear being without.

I did the only thing I could do. I put on my shoes, threw on a hoodie and grabbed my keys. I ran out of my apartment without looking back and left the journal on the coffee table. I didn't need it anymore and neither did Edward. It's the past and it's going to stay that way.

I didn't notice the late hour until I was already on the freeway. Midnight, I would get to my destination around three and I didn't care; this couldn't wait and I needed more than a phone call.

I raced down I5 exceeding the speed limit by a lot, I didn't look to find out because I knew it would be more than I was comfortable with. I could make out dark clouds and strikes of light in the distance in front of me and I ran into a wall of rain halfway into the long drive before me. My acceleration slowed to the speed limit because of the darkness and low clouds I couldn't make out much in front of me. The freeway was deserted and only a lone few semi trucks were passed on my journey. I pulled up and parked more than a few blocks from his house because I remembered how treacherous it was to find parking in this city. I ran out of my car—locking it on my way—and threw my hood over my head to shield it from the heavy down pour.

I didn't take my time, I ran like a wild woman down the sidewalks. The street lights lit my way as the rain tried to blind me. I didn't let that slow me down, through blurry vision and deep breaths I pushed forward.

I came around the corner that was just before his apartment and was astounded at what met me on the other side.

He stood there motionless, his white shirt sticking to his chest and arms from the rain. His hair was disheveled and hanging in front of his eyes. His mouth formed a small o probably mirroring my own expression.

We stood there locked and lost in each other's eyes. The humming sensation grew stronger and stronger until I think he couldn't handle it anymore. He reached out to me, his eyes never leaving mine, "Come inside?" he asked, his hand out stretched in front of him, offering for me to take it.

Without leaving the solace of his stare I put my hand in his without a second thought. I know now where I want to be and that is in the arms of the strong, beautiful caring man pulling me to shelter.

As soon as we were under the awning of the door I pulled back on his hand and he turned to look at me, confusion and enthrallment clear on his face. He opened his mouth to speak but my lips shushed him. I was sick of thinking about kissing him; I wanted to do it and mean it and do it whenever I wanted to. So I did it now; urgently at first because I couldn't and wouldn't wait any longer and, after a few minutes, it was languid and seductive.

When I pulled away I hugged him, desperate to have him as close to me as possible. I didn't want to let go. "Bella," he called for my attention. I looked up at him, no red flushed my face because I was sure of this now, no room for second thoughts. His eyes were amorous and full of lust and it only made the humming ring louder. "I love you." He whispered as he brushed a strand of hair out of my face. "I have never stopped loving you."

I smiled and a tear ran down my cheek and he wiped it away. "I hope that's a happy tear?"

I laughed emotionally and sucked up my tears, "The happiest," I assured him.

He crushed me to him and pulled me into the door. We waited impatiently for the elevator door to open and once inside we couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. When it dinged for floor seven the doors opened and we had to feel our way out the door and down the hall. His door came open with a mere push and shut quietly behind us on its own.

We fumbled to the hall and I tripped backwards over the throw rug; thankfully Edward caught me with a chuckle. His arms wrapped around me completely and he lifted me in the air, spun around and charged through his bedroom door.

He sat me softly on the floor, standing in front of him I peeled his wet t-shirt off over his head and he crashed his lips to mine once again. My hands trailed along his back, the muscles there causing me to go crazy with lust. I wanted Edward, all of Edward and I wanted it here and now. Like it would be sealing the deal, the one woman that Edward declined because he didn't want to seem like he was taking advantage of the situation. I read that in one of his journal entries.

He huffed and pushed me away, not roughly, "Are you sure you want to do this?" His tone was rushed and his eyes were heavy.

I reached down to the hem of my shirt and ripped it up over my head, reveling the satin blue push up underneath; a gift from Alice. His deep intake of breath, the air drawing in through his nose, the light trembled growl that came from his chest sent my mind thrashing. I saw nothing but him and he brought me back to him. Standing on the tips of my toes I reached for his welcoming lips, my arms wrapped around his shoulders.

"Bella…are you…sure…this is…what you want?" he asked again when he had the moments breath to do it.

His lips left mine and trailed down the crease of my jaw and down my neck and settled on my collar bone. My breath was heavy and dyer, the need was apparent in my movements and the sounds that were imminent from within.

"I love you," I breathed as his lips hovered over mine. His head jolted back and his expression was nothing words could explain.

"Don't fuck with me Bella," his tone shocked me but the lust was still there. "Don't say it unless you mean it." He sounded pleading, like I had something he desperately desired.

I would give him anything and that included my heart, "I have never stopped loving you," I quoted him because it was exactly what I wanted to say. It was true and I've wanted to tell him that for so long, even when I was lying to myself.

He didn't smile but his eyes clenched tightly together before he kissed me, this time with fervor and desperation. He wanted me as much as I wanted him and I was far past ready to give in.

His arms that were wound tightly around my waist lifted me and my legs wrapped around him. I could feel him against me and it warmed me, all the way to the crease between my legs. He carried me to the bed, our lips smacking and teeth clattering against one another. We fell onto the bed, him resting over me, my legs still wrapped around his waist. He brought his knees onto the bed, pushing me further up to brace himself before he pulled his left hand out from under me and ran it up my thigh until he had my ass in his hand.

My hands that were now resting on his shoulders clenched and held onto the skin that erupted under them. My back arched wanting desperately to feel his skin against my own and he smiled against me. His lips left mine and trailed down the center of my chin and continued down to the small between my breasts. His hands were gingerly trailing my shoulders and his lips moved slightly under my bra.

I squirmed under him from the sensation of his breath on the tender skin. He kissed and licked at my skin and my sides, every so often causing me to twitch from the tickling sensation it caused. I pulled at his arm and he came up quickly, his lips finding mine with ease, even in the dark room.

My hands mechanically started with his buckle and I fumbled but got it in a last ditch effort. He had to help me with the button because I couldn't get it; my fingers were trembling from the anticipation.

I assisted him in removing the pants but the boxers remained. He sat up and tugged at my sweat pants, successfully taking them off he returned to me. "You're so fucking beautiful," he growled before his lips came to mine. His hips swayed between me and I lost my self control momentarily but caught it—I think—before he noticed. "God, do you have any idea what you do to me? How many times I have dreamt of doing this?" I knew exactly what he was talking about, I had the same dreams.

He looked at me serious for a moment, all movement ceased and I had to bite my bottom lip to keep from objecting.

His breathing was deep and loud, "I'm yours forever." I told him and pulled on his shoulders. He let me do it and I pulled myself up to his lips as hard and as firmly as I could. When my head dropped he looked smitten. "Yours," I half moaned; I was losing my sanity.

His crooked, sexy grin spread across his lips and I marveled in the fact that I get to see it every day. "Mine," he whispered.

* * *

_**"Ghost poop" is the Styrofoam pieces that UPS puts in boxes…that's what my parents always called it when I was growing up. I think it's funny haha.**_

_**This chapter was originally two but I couldn't make you sit through another separation so I didn't. I made them one and I hope you liked it. Bella finally broke free and knew what she wanted and needed was Edward. The title in a way fit so I used it but it was weird leaving it just Dear John so I had to put in the Bella part. Next update will be Saturday or Sunday...not sure which but you will get an update if you have it as a fav or you're here from TTS. **_

_**Thank you so much for your reviews they make me smile every time. I hope you continue to do so and leave me your feedback. Thank you to Scrimmy for beat'ing...you are awesome as always. **_

_**This is a short A/N as I really don't have much to say but I really hope you do. **_

_**Please leave me sum luv....lil' button just below**_

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	17. Never Been Kissed

**16. Never Been Kissed**

_**EPOV**_

Fate gave us one last shot and we both took it, both of us at the same time. Seeing her standing there, the sting between us was sparking all around like a cloud of dust, the rain intensifying the scene. It was one of those moments when you feel like everything around you slows down but you and that other person continue on; together.

The rain was heavy around us, the lightening flashing above and the thunderous echo off in the distance could be heard. Her hair was wet, sticking all over her face like she'd been running through it. She was running to get to me, no other explanation for her to be here; three hours away from home in a town where she knows no one.

Not until then did I realize she wasn't wearing a jacket, nothing to shield her form the icy cold and wetness that swirled around us. I hurried her to the awning that covered the front door to my apartment building and there was where it happened.

The kiss that sealed the deal, the one that told me everything she didn't need to say. I felt her emotions as they mirrored my own, the urgency, the need and the walls were nonexistent. I told her I loved her because I'd wanted to for so long, 11 agonizing years. She cried and it worried me at first until she reassured me that they were tears of happiness. After that I took her into the warmth of my building and we couldn't get into my apartment fast enough.

Bella knew exactly where to touch me to drive me wild with lust; where to run her fingers lightly and where to pull me tight against her. Every touch of her skin against mine burned so good, it's presence lingered on every part of me and I wished she could cover me completely and just swallow me whole. She was desperate for me too, I could sense it in her heavy lust filled eyes and the way she bit her lip every time our lips parted. She pulled my shirt off without a thought and crushed herself against my bare chest. My chest that bared her initial, the tattoo that once was a reminder of my failed accomplishment now stood as a symbol for forever.

Fuck she felt so good, my insides were going crazy and I wasn't sure how long I could take it. It's been a long time, especially for me and Bella was like the finest wine after an alcoholics recovery. She was seducing me in the worst and best possible ways, it was almost painful.

I had to be sure this was what she wanted because I wanted nothing more, I needed to have her here and now and she needed to know the seriousness of the situation.

She fucking took her shirt off, no warning, no preparation, just lifted it right off of her succulent body only to reveal my favorite color pushing her breasts into the most mouthwatering position imaginable. I stared, damn right I did, no man alive could resist. She was stunning and fucking sexy as hell.

Bella told me she loved me and I might have been a little over the top about it but she needed to know I was serious when I said it. She convinced me she was too, but the way she moved and the look in her eyes bore no lies. I had to have her in my bed, it couldn't wait any longer, I'd dreamt about it enough, it was time for the real thing.

When she was under me I looked and waited for any sign that she didn't want to be there; I found none. She gave me further proof when she arched her back to shove her chest into mine, desperate to feel me against her. Her hands found my buckle and she started removing it. I had to assist but we got them off and I eagerly removed hers sweat pants as well.

The sensation from the thin fabric between us was so raw so pure that I blurted the thoughts that came to mind. "You're so fucking beautiful," I grunted, not intentionally and pressed myself against her warmth, causing my body to spasm from the feel of it. "God, do you have any idea what you do to me?" she had to know, if she didn't I would tell her.

She already knew, by reading my journal she knew everything; dreams included. So I wasn't nervous or ashamed when I told her I'd dreamt about how many different ways we could make love.

This was one of them.

She told me she was mine, as if she was reassuring me that she wanted it as much as I did and I was done waiting.

I looked into her eyes and gave her one last chance to turn away, to change her mind and probably cause me to explode in the process. "Yours," she breathed and I had to hold myself back which was not an easy task and also an embarrassing one.

She was mine and I was hers; no more second guesses, no more insecurities, and now we were making it official. "Mine," I told her. I didn't ask, I didn't assume, I demanded and she obliged.

* * *

I woke up to Bella's beautiful sleeping face. She looked peaceful and happy, I didn't want to bother her so I watched her as she slept. I thought back on the previous night, how fucking amazing it was. Hands down best ever, and I'm not proud to say but I have a lot of different comparisons.

I've never felt the way I feel when I'm with Bella, like my adrenaline is always pumping. I'm giddy as I watch her sleep soundlessly, that has to mean something.

She finally stirred and her eyes flickered up to mine. I was lying on my side, my hands resting under my head and my gaze on her. She blushed before she pulled the sheets—that I wanted to bundle up and put in a frame on the wall like a trophy—up to cover the bottom half of her face.

Her eyes squinted and I could tell she was smiling; could hear it in the tone of her voice when she said, "Hi."

"Good morning, did you sleep well?" I don't know how long I sat and watched her sleep but I could have done it all day and been content.

"I did, did you get some rest?" Her hand was cupped over her mouth protectively.

"Best sleep ever," I said before pulling her hand away from her face.

"Ever huh," she questioned trying to keep the sheet shielding her. I pulled it down and moved it; I could give a fuck less about morning breath.

Before I made the connection I had to tell her again how fucking fantastic it was sleeping next to her. "Best ever," and she didn't hesitate to kiss me back.

Afterward, she put the sheet back over her face and I smiled at her. "So what now?" she asked.

"What now about what?" I teased. I knew what she was referring to.

"Well, what are we going to do about this," she gestured between us.

I didn't want to jump the guns and offer to move to Seattle so we could be close to each other, of course I wouldn't move in with her. Jasper and Alice would have to give up their extra bedroom, I knew they would. "What do _you_ want to do about this?"

"What do _you_ want to do about this?" she pushed the question back on me.

"I…want to lay here all fucking day with you," I pulled her into me and she didn't object.

"You know what I mean Edward, what is going to happen when I leave to go back home?" her eyes were boring into mine and I wished I knew the answer she was looking for.

"I really don't know, but I do have an answer for Mr. Jones."

"Who's Mr. Jones," she asked.

"Mr. Jones is my boss, he wants my answer tomorrow," I re-informed her.

"You aren't going to New York are you?" her face was worried and I couldn't help what came out of me.

"Hell the fuck no, they couldn't pay me enough. Portland is too far from you." I hoped she didn't want me to go as much as I didn't.

"I don't want to be the reason you turn down the job of a lifetime. Don't do it for me, do it because you want to."

"I don't want to," I said quickly and without hesitation. This decision is solid and she needed to know that. "I would live on the streets in a box if it meant I could be with you. Jobs are a dime a dozen and you, Bella, are one of a kind." She melted into me and I melted right back into her. To have someone share the feelings you have just as deeply is such a rewarding feeling.

"I love you," she whispered into my neck before she kissed lightly at the nape.

"Oh and I love you, more than you know." I pulled her tighter to me.

_**BPOV**_

Last night was amazing; that's the first thing that came to mind when I woke up in the morning. Everyone was right. All the talk and hype of making love was exactly right. I felt the connection between us being made tangible and I couldn't hold in my moans of pleasure during the whole sexcapade—which now I felt a little embarrassed about the ruckus we made. Hopefully the neighbors weren't disturbed.

It was just…"Fucking amazing", as Edward would put it.

We talked about what we were going to do about our situation but we never decided on what was actually going to happen. Except the fact that Edward was turning down the job offer he had. I felt a little guilty about that but I also felt relief. I don't think I would have survived his absence again, not after last night.

I didn't want to suggest that he move in with me, since he was losing his job because of me, but I did want to suggest he move in with Alice and Jasper. He could stay there until he found a job and got his own apartment; then I could see him whenever I wanted. That thought had me smiling from ear to ear and I couldn't contain my happiness. We had already gotten up and Edward was in the shower. I wanted to tell him now that I wanted to see him every day.

I opened the door to his bathroom, the steam blinding me at first until my eyes adjusted. His shower was surrounded by glass and the fog was making it impossible to see him. I could make out his silhouette though, and it was driving me crazy. I took off what clothes I had on—one of Edward's button up shirts and my underwear—and slid the glass door open. I startled him and when he saw me his eyes trailed down and back up. "Well hello," he said reaching out for my hand and then pulling me into the hot stream of water.

His kiss was soft and seductive, toe curling, and I wanted more. I wanted to have him again, right here and right now. I felt like a nympho and I didn't care, I would be crazy not to be one with Edward around. I don't know how I waited as long as I did.

We washed each other with soap, it smelt so good. His fingers traced over me, every part of me and I was starting to lose my mind.

It wasn't an easy thing to accomplish, sex in the shower, but we made it happen. Actually, he made it happen, I didn't do much. But when he had me in his arms, my legs wrapped around him; Oh My God. He hit places I've never felt before. It was fucking amazing. That's the only expression I can find to explain what it's like. Mind blowing is another good one.

We managed to make it to the living room without touching one another but by the time we were in the kitchen he had one of his hands wrapped around my wrists behind my back and his other hand was cupping my face. He caressed my cheek while he lightly pecked at my lips.

"I need to make something for lunch," I laughed between kisses. "Since we stayed in bed all morning."

"I can do without," he released my hands and I wound them around him; I wasn't done quite yet. His arms came to rest around me too and I had to work hard to keep the task at hand in my sight.

"No, you need to eat."

"Grr," he let go of me unwillingly and leaned against the counter. "Do your thing," he said gesturing with his hands for me to get started.

I did what I was told and gathered the items to make tuna sandwiches. It was all he had, just enough mayo left and five pieces of bread. "Isn't that always how it happens?" I showed Edward the uneven number of bread.

"You're so cute when you're irritated."

On more than a few occasions I had to put him back in his place, leaning against the counter. We ate lunch at the bar; Edward refused to let me eat unless I sat in his lap. It didn't take much convincing because it was exactly where I wanted to be.

Around 2:30 my phone rang and I wasn't surprised at all by who it was. "Bella, where are you?" Alice's demanding tone could be heard through the phone. "Did you really forget what today is?"

I had to think through all the jumbled thoughts I had about Edward, last night, this morning. It was next to impossible but I figured it out.

"Shit, I'll be there in a few hours."

"Isabella, what are you doing?" she demanded again.

"I'm sitting on the couch watching, um, it looks like Maury maybe or Montel."

"Are you freaking kidding me? What's gotten into you?" Now she walked right into that without even knowing it.

"Edward," was all I said with a laugh. Then during her silence of shock I added, "Twice."

_**EPOV**_

Best shower ever!

Best breakfast/lunch because it was two in the afternoon, ever!

Today was proving to be one of the best days of my life, better than fucking fantastic. I'm about to become unemployed, I'm soon to move to Seattle Washington after I speak with Jasper and Alice, but best of all; I have had Bella in my arms all day.

What could be better than that?

"Edward," Bella came in with a panicked look on her gorgeous face, her deep brown eyes were wide with worry. "I am such an idiot, I have to go."

"What?" my expression turned to shock and I sat the magazine I had in my hands hard down beside me on the couch. "Why, what happened? What did I do?"

"No, Edward. I forgot about the show tonight, it's in three hours. I have to go, like now."

My heart kicked back in as she gathered her things. "Oh," I felt like an idiot myself. "I thought…never mind. Do you mind if I join you?"

"I would really like that but I have to go…now, so I'll meet you there." She leaned down toward me, her hand slinking behind my head. "I love you," she said in a sultry tone before she kissed me roughly. I pulled her down on top of me and kissed her back just the same.

"I _fucking_ love you," I replied as she scurried up and hurried out the door. No words have ever rang so true in my voice.

It didn't take me long to leave and I caught up to her on the freeway around La Center. I tried a few times to get her to race me but she wasn't having it. She liked to drive cars fast, yes, but she also liked to keep her license. The most I got out of her was a fast take off at a stop light in Tukwila and the only reason she got me was because I wasn't expecting it. I followed her to her house and she ran in like a wild woman. She had 30 minutes before the show started and she still had to talk to her students and make sure they were all ready.

By the time I got into the house and found her room, she was slipping on a long dress. She grabbed an over coat and threw her hair up in a half ponytail, "Are you going or are you waiting here for me?" She asked as she hurried through the house gathering her things.

I didn't want to assume it was okay that I go but I wanted her to know that I really wanted to, "I'm going, if that's alright?"

"Let's go then," she exited the apartment and I locked the front door behind me.

We made it to Beacon with 10 minutes to spare. We drove my car so I dropped her off at the entrance and parked the car. The school was nice, top notch and elegant. It was exactly what I expected of a specialty school.

I found my brothers and claimed the seat right next to Jasper, "Yo bro," I practically sang. He jumped back and the look on his face was pure terror.

I watched as he regained his composure and replied. "What are you doing here?"

Emmett looked over his shoulder and smiled widely.

"I came to watch the show," I settled back into my seat and looked forward at the lit up stage before us. We were in the middle, fourth row back.

"You drove three hours to watch the show?" he reiterated.

I smiled secretively, "Two and half actually, and no, I came to watch Bella."

"Does _she_ know that?" Jasper continued to badger me with questions until Alice showed up right beside me; her hair sticking out like horns on a devil.

"Do you realize," her voice was strong and had a serious edge to it, "That this is Bella's first and only chance to prove herself skilled enough to perform as the conductor of this school? She has been looking forward to this day since she started college…What did you do?" she asked accusingly.

"I didn't do anything," I put my hands up in a defending manner, "We however," I cleared my throat and smiled deceivingly, "Talked." I left it at that, the rest was our business and they had imaginations, I was sure they could figure it out. I seemed to be in a deceiving mood tonight. Maybe it's the fact that I am finally getting everything I have wanted and dreamed about. Even better, maybe it's because I can finally relate to my brothers on a level I never thought I would.

Alice's expression had changed from sister's wrath to sister's love in a matter of seconds. She sat daintily in the seat beside me, opposing Jaspers, and rested her hands on my arm. "Really, what happened? Did you guys work out your differences?" The fact that she was upset with me vanished like it was never that important in the first place.

"I guess you could say that," I was fighting back a smile because it was more than working out our differences. It was more like setting our future in stone, our irrevocable promise to one another.

"Edward, you better give me more than that," her fierce persona was back, this girl could change moods at the drop of a hat. It almost made me dizzy trying to keep up with her.

Thankfully the lights dimmed and everyone hushed around us.

"This isn't over," she hissed close to my ear. "Trade me seats," she demanded in a teasing tone. I switched with her quickly after giving Jasper an exasperated look. He shrugged and wrapped her up in his arms when she took my seat.

I thought about how I felt when I had Bella close to me before we left. I imagined that's how Jasper felt in that moment. I understood then, and even before this moment, why they tried so hard to find them back when we were in college. I would have done the same thing if I would have met Bella then.

The sound of the curtains moving caught my attention and my eyes were glued to the back of the woman facing away from the audience. It was dark where she was looking, I squinted my eyes to try and make something out but to no avail.

Her hand came up in an elegant fashion, her wrist tweaked in a way that made my skin rise. A violin's note came to ear and lingered on her finger tips. Her other hand came up, mirroring the other and then a low bass could be heard.

Then there was silence.

The lights flickered, one right after another, in a row across the children sitting and standing in front of Bella as her hands started moving with grace and structure. The flutes, trombone and clarinets came in along with all the others on their cue producing a beautiful powerful tune.

Bella was fierce, graceful and majestic as she moved, like it was natural, like it was what she lived for. It reminded me of the way I used to feel when I played the piano; it's been a long time. It was silent again and Bella turned to face us. She walked forward to the microphone and positioned herself in front of it.

"Thank you all for coming, we have an exciting night planned for all of you: The parents especially." She didn't seem nervous; she seemed more excited than anything else. "We will be going along with the itinerary that you should have been given at the door, so if you want to follow along feel free to do so."

"So I guess we'll get started, give our 4th grade orchestra a round of applause." She returned to her students and I could see her giving them words of encouragement, her thumbs up in a reassuring gesture.

_Flawless_, I thought.

_**BPOV**_

I jumped out of Edward's car the moment I was able and ran into the school. I didn't stop until I arrived in the choir room behind the stage. All of my students were there, preparing; my TA Melanie taking charge of the situation.

"I am so sorry I'm late, I had a family emergency. Where are we at? Is everyone here?" I was desperately trying to hold on to my sanity; I needed to calm my nerves if I was going out in front of an auditorium full of people.

"Mrs. Swan, thank god you're here. Mr. Fairview was worried you weren't going to make it. He's been pulling his hair out all morning." Mr. Fairview is the school's principal. She rushed me over to the desk and pulled out a long robe that I was to wear during the show. It was a deep green and dark blue color; our school colors.

We had ten minutes before the show and I took the opportunity to tell my students some encouraging words. I turned to face them. Some were smiling and looked ready to perform in front of an audience. Some looked flushed, worried and even scared. "Hey guys, are you ready?" I asked in an animated tone. No one answered. "This is what we have been practicing for," I tried to sound hyped up. I pictured a football coach giving his team their pep talk before the big game. "Mrs. Swan," Lacy spoke out. "I feel like I'm going to be sick." She swallowed loudly and put her hand over her stomach.

"You're just nervous sweetie, and you don't have to be." I used the most reassuring soft tone I had available, just for these moments. "All those people out there know that you're going to give your best; they don't expect anything more than that. Don't let that scare you, you are very talented lacy."

Lacy plays the clarinet, and very well I might add. She's been attending Beacon since preschool and she's been learning to play ever since. She has the skill to be something great but she also has the self esteem and confidence that I do. Always worried about what other people think.

"I guess," she trembled.

"If you're that frightened you can sit out. But," I had to add this because it was what teachers do. "You know the orchestra is nothing without all of its players."

"I can't let everyone down," she whispered, "I have to do my part."

"Do you think you can?" I asked energetically.

"I think I can try."

"I know you can do it," I smiled at her and she cracked a small smile back in return.

"It's just about time everyone, get into your positions." Melanie helped me with my robe and I made my way to the stage where all the kids were ready and in their spots. "Okay, remember what we practiced. Watch your hands and pay attention to the lights for your cue." I had my back to the curtain and I waited for it to rise. When it did I felt it as it lifted passed me and I could instantly feel all the eyes on me. Most of all I could feel Edward and his presence was passionately noticeable to my mind.

Every movement that I made I felt him shoot through me; his love, his passion, his sweet nature and his kind soothing voice. Feeling him helped me stay calm as I spoke to the audience and continued to do so during the whole show. Even when Lacy fouled up the one time, it didn't take me off beat and she caught back up quickly. I don't think anyone noticed.

After I congratulated the group and talked lightly with the parents, Alice and Rose found me. "Spill," Alice ordered in her joking demeanor.

"Spill what?" I asked as if I didn't know what she was asking for.

"Oh hell no," Rose broke in, "You are not keeping this from us, this is big. We want details Bella Marie; we deserve them."

"You deserve them do you," I asked perplexed. What the hell did she mean by that and what was her reasoning.

"Don't give me that; we have been seeing you miserable for years, tried to help and tried to understand. Now everything you were fighting to steer clear of has ended up seemingly close." She referred to Edward standing and leaning against a wall talking to his brothers. I was trying not to act like his very presence was effecting me not just mentally but physically all the same.

"Okay, I went to Seattle to talk to him and we ended up doing a lot more than that." I've never been on this side of the conversation with them before. Usually I was the one to listen and give feedback. I couldn't give them much though, not with Edward watching me.

"Bella, he's gonna think you're such a whore," Rose barked.

"Oh whatever, at least I know his name," I shot back with a devious smile.

* * *

Edward left while I was mingling with the parents and staff. I didn't want him to think I was ignoring him but I had to do my job. I couldn't get him off my mind as I talked robotically to the people surrounding me. After too long though I was released of my duties and I left with Alice and Jasper; they'd agreed to drive me home.

There was very little conversation on the way to my place, which is the opposite of what I expected to come from Jasper. I figured he would want to look at the psychological side of the situation as he does all other things. I noticed Edward's car when I got out and I didn't keep it to myself that I was excited to see that he was here.

"Be safe," Alice said rolling down her window. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

I entered my apartment blindly, shutting and locking the door behind me. I slipped out of my shoes and the feel of him almost knocked me down. It was all around me, almost giving me an eerie vibe. I walked down the dark hall and into the living room where I searched for him but found nothing but darkness.

I continued to the kitchen which was just as dark as the rest of the house. When I saw he wasn't there I went to check my room and was hopeful that I would find him there. The door was open a crack and I slung it open freely, looking directly at the empty bed.

I huffed, "Where the hell is he?" I whispered.

I felt him standing behind me and my whole body tensed; waiting for his touch and anticipating where it would be first. Some places even warmed inside me, begging for his contact to come sooner than it was. He was so close to me now, I could feel his breath on the back of my neck.

I felt his hands hovering over my shoulders and I shivered from the sensation it caused all over my skin. His fingers wrapped around my coats collar and pulled it down over my shoulders, dropping it to the floor. His lips touched my shoulder momentarily causing the skin there to rise.

Then his fingers trailed lightly down my shoulders to the tips of my stretched fingers. His breath was hot and ragged against my skin; I had to fight with myself not to turn around and face him. When his lips pressed firmly right in the center of my back just below my neck my resolve was broken and the moment was ruined by my sudden attack on the man that was driving me crazy; he didn't seem to mind though.

* * *

Lying in Edward's arms in my bed was so surreal; I never thought it would happen, only in my wildest dreams. I cringed to myself at the thought of Edward knowing about the dreams I've had in this bed. Thank God he can't read minds.

"Did you ever dream about me?" he asked through the darkness, his voice heavy with fatigue.

I started to second guess my previous thought, "Every night I saw you in my dreams. It's like our subconscious wasn't going to miss out just because we were too blind to see it. But now, when I feel your presence, I don't dream at all."

"I don't either," he said contemplative, "I wonder why that is?"

"I don't know, but it doesn't bother me. I have you in reality so what could be better?"

* * *

_**Short A/N as I don't really have much to say about the story right now. I've only got three more chapters done so updates might become scarce. I will let you know if it comes to that. I have been super busy with homework and I thought I would be able to juggle both. Not as easy as it seemed when I started. **_

_**I love the love that Bella and Edward have...in any fanfic...so it will continue to blossom in the coming chapters. Life isn't happy and peachy keen yet, it seems that way but not for long. **_

**REMINDER: THIS STORY WILL HAVE A HAPPY ENDING!**

_**Thank you to Scrimmy and to all you lovely readers that keep reviewing...thank you sooo much.**_

_**Leave me sum luv...lil' button just below**_

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	18. Love Happens

**17. Love Happens**

_**EPOV**_

I had to leave Bella's side and I did so right before she fell asleep. "I have to go home, I have to quit my job in five hours," I whispered so I wouldn't startle her. She groaned in protest and objected that I don't leave but I eventually convinced her that I needed to so I could get it over with. I was almost out the door when I heard her, "Are you sure you want to do this?" I could see the glint in her eyes when I looked back.

I smiled for her because nothing was better than her; nothing was worth not being around her every chance I got. "I'm sure about you and that's all that matters." She managed to smile for me but she was a terrible actress.

I retraced my steps back to the bed but on Bella's side this time. I knelt down to be level with her and I took her hands in mine. "I love you Bella and I'm not sure what the future will bring or if we will always be as happy as we are right now. I do know one thing and that is that I have never been happy unless I am with you." She pulled me closer and tilted her head so I could kiss her; and I didn't disappoint.

I exited the room after a lengthy goodbye kiss. After getting into my car and shutting the door I let the last night and day replay in my memory. The entire drive to Portland consisted of smiles at nothing and Bella's eyes always looking back at me. I had the windows down and the stereo blasting by the time I drove over the I5 Bridge into Oregon.

By the time I arrived at my place it was 5:27 and I had to be to work at six. I didn't even bother getting dressed; I just wore jeans and a t-shirt. As I drove towards the job I had been waiting for, Bella's words replayed in my head.

"_I love you…"_

"_I have never stopped loving you…"_

"_I'm yours forever…"_

"_Yours…"_

I didn't need the reassurance that Bella loved me, or that she wanted me as much as I needed her. I saw everything I needed in her eyes every time I was graced to look into them. I didn't need anything but her and all I had to do was get through the day and I could be back where I want to be most and that is with Bella.

"Good morning Mr. Cullen," Chelsea said when I entered the lobby. The look on her face told me my attire was something noticeable. I didn't care.

"Yeah, is Mr. Jones ready to see me?" I asked very disinterested and preoccupied.

"He isn't expecting you for another 20 minutes but I'll let him know you're here." She typed away at her computer and I went and sat down on one of the two couches. I didn't bother sitting properly or even bother with making light conversation with Chelsea. I just sprawled out on the couch and prepared to wait out the 20 minutes. I heard her fingers tapping away and then suddenly they stopped. She took off her headset, came from behind her desk and sauntered toward me; I knew the walk.

"So…" she sat down next to me, hiking her skirt and revealing most of her thigh. "I was wondering if you wanted to get together some time. I know we've worked together and everything but I would hate to pass up the chance before you move to New York."

I was struck with two very different emotions at once. One, the shock and amazement that Chelsea actually grew the cohunes and actually asked me and two, the disgust at the thought of taking her out when I have Bella waiting for me in Seattle. I leaned away from her to show how fucking disinterested I was. "I have a girlfriend, I think I'll pass."

"I'm okay with it if you're okay with it," she winked and licked her bottom lip.

I recoiled as she leaned in closer, "I'm not okay with it," I replied and hurried off the couch. She got up and followed.

"I'm not asking for a serious relationship, I just want one night with you." I was backing away from her and ran into a barrier; the wall. I was cornered as her hands rested on my chest and I didn't know what to do.

"Send him in," her head turned to the sound and she darted over to her desk. She leaned over her desk in a very inappropriate manner and I shielded my eyes.

"Right away Mr. Jones."

She turned toward me and with a heavy voice she said, "Mr. Jones will see you now." I dodged past her and hurried through the double doors and into his office.

"Edward," he greeted and his gaze fell on my appearance. His smile fell and so did his hand. "This isn't the way to start your new career Edward," he informed me.

I sat down exhausted in his chair and let out a loud sigh. "Did I ever tell you about Bella?" I asked, not really thinking coherently from the lack of sleep in the last 24 hours. I wanted to tell someone about her, someone who doesn't know her or that hasn't heard me speak ill of her. I wanted someone to tell me congratulations and mean it; not because they felt like they should because of what happened. I wanted to show Mr. Jones why I was declining his job offer, to tell him the reason is because I am in love with a woman who has stolen my heart and given me hers in return.

"No, but what does she have to do with anything?"

"She has everything to do with everything." I leaned forward, my elbows resting on my knees. "She was the first girl I fell in love with and the last girl I will ever love." I paused to let him speak if he wanted to, for him to stop me; he didn't.

"I lost her once and it nearly killed me. We were 13 and 14 when I lost her. I found her again and she hated me just as I thought I hated her." A smile flirted at my lips and my eyes felt dry; or hot I couldn't really say. "She told me she loves me two days ago, she wants to give us another chance and I want nothing more from life than to be by her side every night."

I was looking into Mr. Jones' eyes, he looked thoughtful, like my story had moved him in some way. "I can't take this job Mr. Jones, I have been given another chance at happiness and I won't pass it up again. I won't be that stupid twice."

"Well," he grabbed a photo off of his desk, "I guess I can't blame you. Women hold a kind of power over us men don't they?" I shook my head, "I'll notify the big wigs of your decision."

I didn't care that this was my boss, or that he probably wouldn't give a shit about what I had to say but I needed to say it. Like telling someone else meant that I wasn't the only one that was aware of it. "I'm moving to Seattle to be with her," I confided in him. "I'm packing up everything and giving up a lot to be with her."

"You must really love her; a man's resources are everything, to give it up so willingly; that's only something love can do." He started typing on his computer and I knew that was the signal that the conversation was over.

"Thank you Mr. Jones, it's been a fun experience working with you…I'll never forget it," he smiled but didn't look up to meet my gaze.

"You're welcome, I'll put in a good word for you around the Seattle area; it shouldn't be too hard for you to find something. Not with your persona and passion for the business. Oh, and Edward, I really regret having to say this but you're fired son."

I reached out and accepted his hand, "I'm not happy to see you go, you have a lot of potential to go far in this industry, I know this won't be the last time I see you."

"Thank you for understanding sir." He basically shooed me off after that; that was just how he was. I left without looking back and Chelsea cornered me again once the door was shut.

"Did you think about it, can you image the things I am willing to do to get you to agree?" Her fingers walked up my chest until she poked my chin and tried to rub against my cheek with her palm.

"No…I thought about my girlfriend lying in bed naked waiting for me. I am not interested." I shoved her hands down and stormed off to my office. I never thought it would be this hard to turn down a woman. I guess that's because I never had to do it before and it wasn't because I wanted her; it was because of her persistence.

I cleaned out my things and said bye to the people I'd grown close to and the people that I have befriended since my employment there. I didn't worry too much about what would happen when I move to Seattle, but I was relieved to hear that I had a good recommendation waiting for me when I needed it.

Bella sent me a text; I'll admit I was a little worried about how she would feel in the morning, that said only three words: The only three words that would calm my worries.

I love you.-B

Now it was time to call Jasper.

I stood in the middle of my living room, half passed five and dialed his cell; three rings and I heard, "Hello."

"Hey bro, what's going on?"

"Just who I wanted to speak to."

"Great minds think alike," I joked.

"How the hell did you do it?" he asked.

"What did I do?"

"You got through to her; she's a whole different person Edward. She's here, at my house right now giggling like a little girl with Alice in the next room. I have never in all the years I have known her, seen her like this."  
His tone sounded a little too concerned and that worried me, "You sound like that's a bad thing."

"No Edward, it's a very good thing. Albeit a little sudden and soon but she's had a lot of trauma in her life. I think she can finally let it go. She's happy Edward."

"I can continue to make her happy with your help," I told him.

"With my help? What do I have to do with anything?"

"Let me move in with you Jazz, just until I can get on my feet. I want to be closer to her, and to you." I held my breath for his answer because what he decides could very well determine my existence.

"Not a problem, as long as you need. But," of course there was a but, "You have to ask Alice also. This is her house too and I won't give you a definite answer until she has her say."

A smile crossed my face; I knew I could get through to Alice. If Bella is really as happy as Jasper says then she has noticed. If she's the great sister I know she is then she will want to keep Bella happy. "Hand her the phone."

"She's talking to Bella; I really would rather not interrupt that."

"How am I supposed to ask her then?"

"Call her. I'll send you her number."

"I'll just call Bella," I hung up without another word and quickly dialed Bella's number. I was excited, my hand trembling and I had a grin on my face. Everything was falling into place; life's little pieces were putting themselves back together.

"Hello," I heard after the second ring. She sounded excited too.

"Hey Bella, can I talk to Alice please?" I didn't want to get into a conversation with her until after I spoke with Alice. I haven't talked to her a lot but I don't think there's any reason for her not to approve. She did tell me once that I would get my second chance but I would have to fight for it.

I know now, that she was right.

_**BPOV**_

I woke up and Edward wasn't there. At first I started to hyperventilate until the memory came back to me. I reached for my phone, thankful today was the beginning of spring break so I didn't have work until next week. The only thing that would make it better would be Edward.

I looked at the clock, 9:50. I decided I didn't want to wait to talk to him; so I sent him a message just to let him know that I was thinking about him. I was completely energetic when I got out of the shower and I had to find something to do with myself. So I called Alice and she invited me over. I went straight there without a second thought. I couldn't wait to talk _boys_ with Alice, something I've never done; or at least I wasn't the one talking.

I walked up to her door and she opened it before I had a chance to knock, "Get your ass in here." She reached for me and wrapped her skinny fingers around my wrist and pulled me through the door. "Tell me everything, every dirty little detail," she demanded.

I followed her into the living room and the fire was already lit. "Where's the hot cocoa?" I asked when she released my hand and took a seat on the floor in front of the fire.

She patted her hand on the carpet next to her, "Jazz is bringing it, sit," she ordered with a firm smack of her palm. I did as I was told and seconds later Jasper came in with two mugs with mini marshmallows floating all along the top.

"Thanks," I said and he smiled at me. He left quickly after sharing a quick glance with Alice.

"Yum, this is delicious," I said, not really caring that Alice was about to go all reserved and proper on me.

"It's a new mix from the store, but stop dodging my question. Give me the skinny," she chuckled.

"I stayed the night at his house, but you already know that, and he stayed at mine for most of the night last night. Oh," she was totally focused on me, sipping her drink and looking at me through her all seeing eyes. "And he is turning down that job offer so we can see where this goes. Did I mention he is an amazing kisser," I feigned passing out, my mug of cocoa safely sat on the floor

"He kissed you? Bella, is there more?" She knew there was, I could tell she was just egging me on. That's fine, I've been waiting to have this conversation for a long time now and I'm sure she has too.

I bit my bottom lip, "I kissed him."

She giggled and threw a couch pillow at me, "Bella Marie, you little whore," she teased.

"Am not, this is different," I defended my actions.

"Oh, yeah…how so?"

We sat and talked about Edward and my situation for quite some time. That was until my phone rang and it was Edward.

I smiled at my phone and Alice's expression was heartening. "Hello."

His voice did unmentionable things to my body, even though he was miles away. "_Hey Bella, can I talk to Alice please_?"

"Sure," I hoped he didn't hear the despair in my reply as I held the phone out to Alice.

"_For me_," she mouthed.

"It's Edward," I whispered and shrugged my shoulders. She took it from my hand and brought it to her ear slowly with a confused look.

"Yes," she said to Edward, her eyes wide looking at me. "Good," she replied to a question I didn't know the words to. She was silent after that for some time. She smiled a lot and looked me in the eye a few times; even winked. "Edward if you feel you must than you must. I am totally okay with it…as long as you need."

"Okay, here she is."

She held the phone down to her chest with her free hand wrapped protectively over the receiver. "Oh my god Bella, I'm so excited. Here, talk to him….talk to him, talk to him, talk to him," she chanted and wiggled in her spot.

I took the phone, shot her a worried glance then put it to my ear. "What was all that about?" I didn't take my eyes from Alice; I had to judge her reaction because her sudden burst of happiness was making me nervous.

"_Well, I asked Jasper earlier and he said to ask Alice first and they both said yes_."

"Yes to what, I'm confused."

"_To me staying with them for a while until I can get a job and a place. I hope you're okay with that_." I was more than okay with it.

A smile crossed my face and Alice got up and left the room. "Yeah, of course I am." I cradled the phone as if it were the most precious thing.

"_Good, because I'm moving there sometime next month, I just have to give my 20 days notice_."

"Next month? That's too long. Do I have to wait until then to see you?" I curled my legs up to my chest and waited for his answer. I didn't want to wait that long. Just thinking about it was painful enough.

"_Not if you don't want to_."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"_I can come see you or you can come see me, either way I don't want to go a day without seeing you_. _I don't have a job anymore so all of my time is yours."_

"Come see me now," I basically dared him. I wanted to see him. "I have been without you for 10 years and that is an overabundant amount of time and I don't want to go through another day without you."

"I _will be there in a few hours, I'm already walking out the door_."

"I love you," I said in a languid thankful tone. He knew exactly what I wanted; he was already walking out the door before I said anything.

"_And I love you…_" his tone went up a notch, "_It feels so fucking good to say that to you. I've said it to myself for so long_."

"Well hurry up so you can say it to my face," I giggled through the phone.

"_I'm already driving towards the freeway so it won't be long. I have to go though, there's this new law, only hands free while you're driving_."

"Okay…" stupid laws, "Can't wait to see you."

"_You and me both_."

It took us another five minutes to say bye because neither of us wanted to hang up first. Alice heard our argument from the other room and she assisted us. She snatched the phone out of my hand and put up to her ear, "Goodbye Edward," and snapped the phone shut.

"Hey, why did you do that," I snatched it back from her and opened it, hoping he would but knowing that he wouldn't be there.

"Because you would have gone back and forth all day if I hadn't. I've been there Bella, I know how that game goes." She sat down next to me and her look was serious, not what I expected. "You're really happy aren't you?"

"Yes, I really am. Thank you so much Alice." I pounced on her and she wasn't expecting it. This has never been me, happy bouncy and giggling.

That's Alice, not me; not the old me.

_**EPOV**_

In the last 48 hours I have spent close to 12 hours driving between Portland and Seattle; this is the last time I'll be driving to Seattle from home. Soon, I will call Seattle home, mine and Bella's home. I couldn't wait to see her after telling her I'd be living there, how different would she be?

I have seen a change in her but only from our first reunion. Every time we were together alone, she was this bubbly happy girl, not even close to the girl I'd seen during the Superbowl. The week I spent at her house was wonderful, a taste of what's to come. I texted her when I took the exit and she texted me back saying that she had some car trouble on her way home and that she needed my help. She text me the directions from her house to where she was at and I headed in that direction. She didn't say what kind of car trouble but I was positive I could help in some way.

I had to double back before I found her, her car was jacked up and there was a man knelt down under it with a 4-way tire iron putting on the spare tire. Something inside of me ignited, I could almost taste the bile rising in the back off my throat.

I pulled over quickly and saw Bella smiling as the man was looking up at her. She wasn't supposed to smile at anyone but me. I was the one to bring out that smile in her, not some random stranger. I hoped out of the car and walked over to them, neither of them taking notice to my approach.

"Thank you so much, I don't know what I would have done if you wouldn't have stopped," Bella thanked the man as he stood and wiped the debris from his clothing.

"Not a problem, if you want to thank me maybe we could go out some time. I work at the Key Arena so I can get tickets to any concert you want to see." I walked up then and greeted Bella, ignoring the man that was heading towards a meeting with my fist.

"Hey Bella, what happened?" When she looked at me it was either relief or she was startled. I was hoping for relief.

"Oh," she seemed flustered looking between me and the unnamed man. "I don't know my tire just blew out. I didn't have a tire iron with me and this kind man had one and thank god he stopped," she said winded.

"My name's Lucas," he said and I ignored him, all of my attention on Bella.

Bella didn't have the same idea, "Thank you so much for your help, I think I better get going home."

"Did you want to come out to the Arena some time? I can get tickets any time." He offered and I bite my tongue.

"Lucas, you seem like a great guy but I'm not interested, thanks for the offer though." I smiled on the inside. Serves that fucker right.

"Oh, alright. If you happen to change your mind…"

I was through listening to this guy try and take my Bella away from me. If I had anything to do with it, she wasn't going anywhere. "She isn't interested." I reiterated for her.

Lucas wasn't happy but he turned around without another word and got into his car. I looked at Bella and she didn't look happy with my outburst either.

"Edward, that was uncalled for."

"No it wasn't, he was hitting on you right in front of me. He's lucky that was all he got," I told her truthfully.

She stormed off and got into her car, leaving me there, standing in the middle of the street alone. She didn't hold back that she was pissed when she pealed out as she left the scene. I got into my car and decided I needed to make it up to her. I can't let my arrogance get in the way of things.

I made a pit stop at the local convenient store and purchased a single yellow rose, which clearly says "I'm sorry" and a single orange rose—which I wasn't expecting to find—that said "I adore you." That's one thing I find on the up side of my old ways. I'm not Edward fucking Cullen for nothing.

I saw her looking out the window down at the street when I pulled up, she was anxious to see me. That gave me hope that it wouldn't be too hard to gain her forgiveness. I just couldn't imagine some guy taking her away from me. We have been through so much and who's to say it hasn't had an effect on her feelings toward me. It's only made my feelings stronger if anything but it could have had a different effect for her.

I ran up to meet her and once I was at the door it opened and she stood on the other side of it. I had my hand behind my back holding the roses. I was planning on surprising her with them but she jumped on me as soon as the door was open enough and I had to wrap my arms around her for support. She kissed me with fervor, her hands fisted in my hair, exactly how I liked it. When our lips parted she looked at me, a very light pink covering her cheeks.

"Hi," she smiled.

"That was a fucktastic hello," I joked and she laughed as I sat her back down. "Maybe I should upset you more often."

Her eyes lit up a little when she saw the rose's. "Oh, I got these for you," she took them from my hands and stuffed her nose against them so she could smell them.

Then she held them close to her chest and whispered, "I've never been given flowers before."

I snatched her up in another embrace and whispered back, "Get used to it," and half carried her through the door.

"Good ol' Mike never gave you any flowers?" I asked while she put the roses into an old vodka bottle.

"No, Mike wasn't really the romantic type, he was more about the future and stability." She shrugged her shoulders and placed the bottle on the bar that divided her living room from her kitchen.

"I'm about those things too, stability isn't such a bad thing to plan for." I have thought about my future with Bella a lot and I assumed she has thought about it herself.

I was seated on the bar stool and she came over to me and climbed into my lap. "I agree with you but that was all Mike was about. He never paid attention to the little things." She bit her bottom lip as I looked into her eyes. She did that whenever she was nervous…but I remember that from our past.

"Like the way you bite your lip when you're nervous?" I pointed out. "Or how incredibly natural and sexy you are when you work those hands." I laced my right hand with her left and we both gazed at our locked fingers.

My eyes caught with hers and an electric hum ran through me, like an ignition and my entire body was fully aware of Bella's close proximity. I could feel the perspiration on my neck as I imagined what was to come. "Mike would have never said anything like that; he probably never took the time to notice." Her gaze fell back to our hands as I wove our fingers back and forth.

"That's because Mike didn't know what he would be missing."

"And you do?" She challenged.

"I know what it feels like to miss you," I said fervently, "I missed you for 10 years. Your smile that always made me smile, your laugh that was like fucking pure joy in my heart and your presence, you always have this kind of aura around you or some shit. It's intoxicating just to be around you."

"I'm sorry I intoxicate you," she joked and started shuffling in my lap. "Maybe I should move somewhere further away."

My arms formed an iron grasp around her, "Oh hell no, I want to be fucking wasted by you, you're staying right here." We made it to the couch before all of our clothes were off. Being with Bella in this way is beyond any form of satisfaction I have ever experienced. I can't recall ever kissing a woman during sex; I kissed Bella every chance I got. I also recall not giving a shit if they got theirs; with Bella I made damn sure she did. I didn't have sex with Bella, I made the sweetest kind of love with Bella. Nothing less would suffice.

* * *

_**Ahh, Edward was jealous. Who can blame him though...he's never had to worry about a woman cheating on him or falling out of love with him. He's never had a relationship to worry about such things. So of course he would go a little over the top...but for him what he did was good. Bella hasn't ever had a boyfriend that she really loved...Mike was just something to bide her time until she found Edward (not that she knew that though). She doesn't know what it's like to have someone stick up for her in that way, so to her it was uncalled for and just rude. Anyways, she didn't worry about it too much....she was more worried about being in Edwards arms, who wouldn't haha!!!**_

_**So I have one more chapter fully written but other than that it's all on my phone. I just recently gave my phone to someone else because I got a new one and I forgot to email the stories on there to myself. Long story short, I have to wait until she can email before I can get them. So I have to wait until then to put more of the story down on paper. Good news though, two weeks left of school and then I have two weeks off. If you were here for BMNM then you now what that means. Close to daily updates whoooo!!! I cannot wait. **_

_**Thank you Scrimmy....I hope you get your email up and running soon so I can send you the next chappy for you to beta....I miss talking with you lady:)**_

_**Thank you so much to the people who are still reading and reviewing...that's amazing..Hello to the new readers..please don't be shy to leave me your thoughts as I love to hear from you. Thanks for adding this story to your favs or alerts and thank you in general for reading. **_

_**Leave me sum luv....lil' button just below**_

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	19. As Good as it Gets

**18. As Good as it Gets**

_**BPOV**_

Edward stayed at my apartment all week, he didn't have a job to tie him to Portland anymore but I had to work. Twice, Edward had dinner ready for me when I got home. He's a good cook, when it comes to traditional things. I found out later that Alice had come over and "_assisted_" him with the meals both times.

I didn't tell him I knew because he looked so pleased to be doing it for me; I couldn't take that from him.

The days with him were amazing; his persona was so easy to relax with. His presence just made me feel like I had a purpose, like everything I have done that's led me to this place was all for something. The nights with him were mind blowing, utterly fan-fucking-tastic. If I were more open-minded and talked like Alice and Rose do I would be one of those women saying how extremely satisfying sex can be. But I'm not, so I kept all that to myself which was much more gratifying.

Saturday morning I woke up from a long and tiresome night with Edward that I would do again and again in a heartbeat. I was exhausted, as if I hadn't just slept 9 hours. Edward was already awake and I could smell something burning from the kitchen. I got up groggily and threw my robe on that was hanging on the bedside post. I padded my way down the hallway and into the living room where I could see smoke bellowing out from the kitchen. It was coming out in waves.

My pace quickened and when I stood in front of the kitchen the sight I saw was hilarious, even in the moment. Edward was still in his boxers and was wearing my apron tied in a neat big bow in the back. I probably couldn't have done one better. He was standing at the stove; hastily trying to save whatever it was that was smoking up my apartment.

After I had enough of that I plunged into the heap of smoke and stood next to him, he looked up at me apologetically and I had to smile. "I don't know what I'm doing?" He exclaimed with a light nervous laugh.

I reached over him and grabbed the pot that was producing the smoke and lifted it off the burner. I ran over to the window, opened it and held it out to let it cool off. The smoke that was already floating around the apartment came out in a rush and you could plainly see it in the air just outside.

I looked over my shoulder at him and he looked solemn. "It's okay Edward; it's not a big deal." I tried to comfort him but it was still really comical in my mind.

"I was trying to make you breakfast," he replied gently.

"I think we should stick to that being my job," this time I smiled apologetically. I didn't want to seem rude or callous but I didn't want to burn down any apartment buildings either.

His expression changed, like a child being coaxed into telling the truth. "I have a confession to make," he smiled.

I smiled back.

"I didn't make those dinners for you, well, I helped but mostly it was Alice."

The pan wasn't smoking anymore so I brought it in and sat it on a burner that hadn't been used. I decided to keep the fact that I already knew to myself.

"Edward." I stood in front of him and looked up into his eyes, "I love to cook," I said seriously. "I don't mind doing it and I especially like to cook when there is someone else to cook for other than myself. Let me do the cooking okay?" I laughed and he laughed with me.

"Not a problem." He held up his right hand, "I vow to never touch the stove again unless I'm told to."

"Perfect." I wrapped my arms around him and was reminded that he didn't have any clothes on. "By the way, you look hot."

He leaned away from me—not breaking our connection—and smiled his sexy crooked smile. "You like?"

I laughed again, shaking my head, "Yeah."

Sunday morning was the same thing, exhausted and ready to go back to sleep. I didn't though, today Edward was going back to Portland to tie up any loose ends, grab some things and say goodbye to his friends. He wouldn't return until next weekend. It was just the beginning of our time together and I already don't want to go one minute without him; especially not a night without him.

Alice had called last night and cancelled our Saturday get together and did a rain check for Sunday; today. After I made an edible breakfast and Edward and I took a long shower, we headed over there and arrived just as Rose, Emmett and Ethan did.

Rose looked good for just having a baby three weeks ago. Some women have the hardest time getting their figure back; not Rose though. It wasn't the nicest of days but we sat out on the balcony of Alice and Jasper's home anyway. Ethan was nestled into a swing just inside the sliding glass door. Rose refused to bring him out in the cold longer than a few minutes. It really wasn't that cold but I didn't blame her for being cautious.

The boys had gone out to the field that was behind the house and they were throwing around a football. Of course, Emmett plays football, why wouldn't they do it.

"So how's mother hood treating you," Alice asked. She always asked. I think secretly she wanted a baby too. I don't know why they didn't try; they've been together for ages now, just as long as Rose and Emmett.

"It's good, wonderful actually. Ethan is such a good baby he even sleeps through the night." Rose was beaming as she spoke of her son. She was a whole new woman.

She turned to Alice, pointing the audience at her. "What about you Alice, when are you getting hitched?"

She smiled shyly, "We're not quite there yet. But almost."

"What the hell is the hold up? Does Jasper have something against marriage?" Rose saw no other explanation. If they didn't agree then something had to be wrong with one of them. That definitely hasn't changed about Rose.

"Jasper is afraid of marriage; he thinks it will ruin what we have. He said his parents were so in love until they got married. That's when they handed him over to Carlisle and Esme and went their separate ways." I was in awe.

"How old was he?" I asked. The story sounded so familiar.

"Six or seven I can't remember exactly, but they used to always yell at each other and talk about how marriage ruined their lives and that they wished they never did it. I don't know if we'll ever reach that point."

"I think he'll come around Alice," I rested my hand on her shoulder and she leaned against mine.

"I hope so."

"What's going on over here?" Edward approached and came around to kiss me on the cheek. He was sweaty and panting, just like I like him.

"We were having a girls only conversation," Rose informed him. "Until you came and rudely interrupted."

"Rose," I shot her a disapproving look.

"What, he knows I'm kidding…don't you Edward?"

He shook his head looking down at me, "She's just a bitch, I'm used to it." He ducked as soon as the cup went flying out of Rose's hand and it flew over him. "Good arm, has Emmett been giving you lessons?" he joked.

"Ehh, Edward..." Of course Rose would call on her teddy bear of a husband to do her dirty work. "Emmmm!" She yelled over her shoulder. He ran through the yard and up the stairs, he had a worried look on his face until he saw us all smiling.

"What? What's up?" he looked around at all of us.

"Your dear brother called me a bitch," she snooted, "What are you going to do about it?" She questioned him.

"Which one?" he held out his hands gesturing toward Edward, he had an exasperated look on his face.

"The only one that's here, doofus," she teased. He looked at Edward with a wide grin.

"You call my woman a bitch?" he said walking toward him. "Huh, Cullen?"

Edward put his hands up in a defending manner, "Hey in my defense, she actually is a bitch."

"Emmett," Rose faux cried from the seat next to me.

*******************

We barbequed hamburgers and hotdogs and chatted the whole day away: The perfect Sunday. Alice pulled me and Rose to the side while the boys cleaned up the grill and picked up the garbage. It was sweet of them.

"What's this about Ali?" Rose questioned looking back toward the balcony; I assumed trying to see Ethan in his swing through the door.

"I think I'm pregnant," she blurted without warming us up first. Rose's attention left the balcony and rested on the same place that held mine: Alice.

"What; really?" Rose squealed.

"Yeah, I'm four days late." She smiled and anyone could see that she was definitely glowing.

"Alice," I whispered. "Congratulations." She hugged me and Rose threw her arms around us too. "Are you excited," I asked. I couldn't imagine that she wouldn't be.

"I haven't told Jasper yet; I'm kind of avoiding him. I'm a little worried about how he's going to feel about it." She looked troubled. I imagine you would want to tell your significant other the news. To have to hold it in because you're afraid of what their reaction is going to be, would be heart wrenching.

"I think he's going to be excited Alice, you should tell him." That's the only advice I had to give; what I would do and what I would assume. If I were in his shoes I would be thrilled. But I'm not in his shoes, so really, I don't know.

Rose's head jerked up and she looked to the balcony. "Ethan is crying," then she hurried toward the sound. We watched her leave and held onto one another.

"So, are you going to tell him?" I asked uninterested, watching the boys on the balcony.

"Of course I am…I just don't know when."

We started to walk back, our arms still wound around each other. The cool breeze was nice against my face. Edward was kneeling down next to Ethan in his swing, saying something to Rose. When he noticed me he stood and came towards me.

"Where have you been?" Alice had continued to where Rose was playing with Ethan just inside the door and Edward snaked his arms around my waist; pulling me hard against him.

"I was having another girl talk," I informed him.

"And what does girl talk mean? Did my name come up?" he smiled a devilish grin.

"Surprisingly no, not this time. Usually you're the topic of discussion these days." I grinned back.

We left shortly after that, Alice promised she would get a test with us tomorrow and then, and only then, if it came back positive she would tell Jasper. I probably would have done the same thing if I were in her shoes. I'd be scared to death to tell Edward if I were the one worried about being pregnant. I don't even want to know how that would blow over.

"So, I have to ask," Edward was driving us home. I wasn't happy about it because it meant he was leaving shortly after we would arrive. "What does Olive Juice mean?"

_**EPOV**_

I really wanted to make something for Bella because the two times she thinks I did, I really didn't. I thought I could do it; it didn't look like a hard task. Boy was I wrong. I burnt the fucking bacon. I had the eggs ready to go and the hash browns graded; but nooo, the bacon has to burn.

Bella was in her element when she cleared the apartment of the smoke. I felt better confessing my sins about Alice being the one who made the dinners, she didn't mind. I had no problem agreeing to her terms. She can cook for me anytime, as long as it means she's eating with me.

The shower was nice, as it has been all week and the day was looking to be a good one. We headed over to Jasper and Alice's place to meet up for their, and now my, weekly get togethers. I never pictured myself being a family man but I did find solace in seeing my brothers. Seeing Ethan was a blast. That little guy has gotten us all wrapped around his little finger. I would do just about anything to make that kid smile.

Rose informed me while she was tending to him that the smile was probably just gas. I wasn't put out by that though, I told him he was smiling for his uncle. He smiled.

"Olive juice," Rose cooed as she picked him up out of the swing.

That struck a memory cord and I remembered hearing Bella say that in her sleep. She said it after saying my name.

"Hey Rose, what did you just say?" I wanted to be sure I was hearing correctly before I just assumed.

"Oh, it's Olive juice. If you mouth it," she did it, "Then it looks like you're saying I love you. Charlie and Renee used to say it to us all the time."

She walked off to the living room and I contemplated the new information I had just received. The day Teresa came and almost scared Bella off for good; that was the day she said it. She said she loved me and I didn't even know it. Of course it was in her subconscious but still. That had to stand for something.

I confronted Bella about it, even though I knew what it meant now that Rose informed me, I still wanted hear it from Bella. "What does olive juice mean?"

"Where did you hear that?" she questioned.

"Tonight I heard Rose saying it to Ethan," I was sneaky not to lie or keep anything from her.

"Oh, well it really doesn't mean anything but if you mouth it," she looked at me and said it. Or she really said I love you just to mess with me. It really looked like she said it. "It looks like you say I love you."

I smiled, she confirmed it. "Are you aware that you still talk in your sleep?"

She blushed, I haven't seen her blush in a while, "Yeah, I've been worried about that." She looked out the window and didn't say another word about it.

"That first week when I stayed at your apartment after Ethan was born, you said something while you were sleeping."

She gasped, "What did I say?" She practically demanded.

I chuckled, "You said my name and then you said olive juice." I smiled looking at her and she smiled back.

She was silent for a moment but her smile never faltered. "Well I did."

* * *

Two days away from Bella has been torture in it's worst form. Sunday when I left she begged me to stay with her but in the end we both knew I had to go. I said I'd be back by the weekend; I don't think I'll be able to wait that long. Now that I have her after all those years of depression and self loathing; it's ridiculous to me for us to be apart.

Yesterday I crammed as much stuff into the day as I could. I ran by the CC to say my farewell to my friends and inform them of my move. Laurent was sincerely happy for me but also pissed that I was leaving.

I ran by PUD to shut off my electricity and my water. I went by the Rose Garden to say my goodbyes to the people that I bonded with while working there. I steered clear of Chelsea though, that conversation I could do without.

My agenda for today included speaking with the owner of my apartment and give him my 20 days notice. Then I was going to pack my car full of whatever I could fit in it and surprise Bella tomorrow when she got off work. She'd given me a key to her apartment; I could stay there with her until I moved in to Jasper's.

I didn't say anything about how much I wish we could share an apartment. I know it's too soon to talk about that. We've just barely begun our relationship, baby steps is what was going to work for us. Anything faster than that was liable to ruin what we have so far. I wasn't willing to risk it so I had kept my mouth shut.

I met with the owner and gave him my notice. He wished me well in my future and told me to tell Carlisle hello for him. They had attended Yale together back in the 70's. I packed most of my clothes and hygiene products into my luggage bags and packed them into the car. I had my TV and other entertainment goods stacked next to the front door for easy access in the morning. I wasn't going to leave them in my car over night just to wake up to a fucking broken window and all of my shit gone.

I emptied out the fridge and threw away anything that would expire by the time I returned.

I received a text from Bella saying that she missed me and that she couldn't wait for me to come home. Seattle was home now. Wherever Bella was, was home. I sent her a message while I waited for my dinner to cook.

Hey love, how are things? What are you doing? What are you wearing? Just kidding but really…what are you wearing?-E

Love huh? Things are…fine and I'm sitting on the couch looking through a magazine. I'm wearing my pj pants and your go to jail monopoly shirt.-B

Things are…fine?? Is there any importance to that? Why are you wearing my shirt you weirdo?-E

You'll see, yes there is and because I miss you.-B

Now you have me worried, I miss you too. What magazine are you reading?-E

You'll just have to wait and see.-B

We bickered back and forth for a few minutes until we said goodnight. I didn't push on what she had to tell me because I don't want her doing anything she isn't prepared for. I was avoiding anything that would threaten our relationship; I told myself it could only get better. I ate the last of my Hungry Man microwavable dinners and that concluded my night, I fell out on the couch with the fork still in my hand.

I hadn't started a new journal; I still wasn't sure that I was going to at all. I wrote in my journal to help get out my frustrations. To write down the questions I needed to ask, it was the only way to get any of it out. Now, the only questions I have can only be answered with time.

Will our relationship last? Will our love for one another stay strong year after year? Will Bella someday be my wife, the mother of my children? Did I want children? The answer to that has always been no; there was never any hesitation.

I find myself lost, at a fork in the road. One path led to a life with Bella. Us together always time to be shared together; alone. Romantic getaways and traveling to different countries. We would be happy and our time together would not be divided.

The other path, now that one led down a road I have never dared to venture. I told myself a long time ago that I was going to avoid having kids. I would never want to put my own flesh and blood through anything even remotely similar to what happened to me during my childhood. I was on unknown territory.

This road held a life with Bella, two kids, maybe three and a dog in a white picket fence. A Chrysler town and country with the flip down DVD player playing Toy Story. Two little smiles smiled back at me; one mine and one Bella's. It felt like my heart expanded two sizes.

I found myself leaning toward the unknown, but scared to enter the journey. Was I strong enough to stay out of my fathers foot steps? Am I capable of keeping my emotions at bay so they don't ruin my life? It was hard to keep my emotions under wraps when it came to the intense feelings I have for Bella; would it be worse than that?

I mulled over that, tossed it around in my head and looked at it from every angle. The final verdict: I am not ready for kids. In reality neither of us really are. In the future, kids are definitely on the agenda; at least they are for me.

That is the first time I have been okay with that. I am not my father and Bella is not my mother and we have the truest and purest kind of love for one another. That is one of the many differences between us and my parents. That, and the fact that I would never dream of hurting Bella or my progeny in anyway.

I pulled up to Bella's apartment and took in a load of my clothes. The door was hard to unlock because my hands were full. A soothing calm voice came from behind me.

"Need some help with that?"

I looked over my shoulder and a young woman, around my age was smiling up at me. "Um, yeah thanks." I handed her the keys and she unlocked the door with a quick turn of her wrist. "Thanks."

"No problem, I'm Angela," she threw her thumb over her shoulder, "I live down the hall."

"Oh, it's nice to meet you," I wondered if she knew Bella but I didn't bring it up.

We said a quick goodbye and I went through the door, kicking it shut behind me. Her apartment smelled like her; it made my heart flutter. I wanted to capture her scent, put it in a bottle and stuff it up my nose so I could be inundated by it always. Everything was in its place, a magazine was flipped upside down on the coffee table and I assumed it was the one she was reading.

I wanted to look, more than fucking anything I wanted to see the magazine she wouldn't tell me about…but I didn't. She said she had something to tell me and that I would find out. She wanted my trust and I wasn't going to jeopardize it.

I spent the next few hours bringing in my belongings and putting them in her spare bedroom. I left my car out front, maybe it wouldn't be too much of a surprise when she walked in and saw me. I hoped it wouldn't upset her that I came back without notice but I was banking on the fact that hopefully she missed me as much as I missed her.

3:30 rolled around and I decided to send her a message and find out what she was doing.

Hey love, whats the haps? I miss you something fierce.-E

I miss you too, so much. I can't wait for two more days to go by so I can see you. I'm just about to get into my car and head home. Alice is coming over to help me out with something.-B

Oh is she? What are you two up to?-E

None of your business love, you will just have to stick it out until Friday…-B

Love…I like it. Is this thing I'm waiting for a good thing or bad thing?-E

For me, it's not good but it's not really bad either. I guess you're the determining factor.-B

Friday is too long to wait, you have me antsy.-E

Just remember when you find out that I love you and I swear on every single thing that I love, I did not plan it, not in the least.-B

So Alice planned it, what the hell is it?-E

Alice had nothing to do with it LOL, you'll see. I'm almost home so I'll call you in a little bit. I want to hear your voice.-B

Okay, I can't wait.-E

I didn't say I couldn't wait to talk to her because what I really couldn't wait for was to see her. I waited on the couch, looking out at my car; waiting to see Bella pull up. When she did, just seeing her brought on the electric surge. My heart started to race, especially when I saw her face as she got out of the car. On her way to the apartment she stopped and looked at my car. I don't think she completely thought it was mine because she shook her head at it and continued to the front door.

I heard the key in the lock and then the door open. She sat her keys down on the little table in the hall and entered the front room. She jumped when she saw me and a smile spread across her face.

"Hey, weren't you supposed to be here Friday?" She stood where she stopped, her expression surprised and excited.

I got up from the couch and walked toward her, her presence calling out for me to be closer. "I can go back to Portland and wait until Friday if you'd like," I said sarcastically. I wasn't going anywhere.

She smiled lazily, "No, of course not, this is much better than waiting until Friday." I reached her then and pulled her to me, our lips finding each other without order. She smelled so good, she felt so soft and right in my arms. But there was something else in the way she kissed me. Something that worried me, but it also caused this feeling in my chest, like things were changing, in which direction I couldn't say.

She pulled away from me quickly and looked over my shoulder to the couch then back to me. "Did you look at the magazine?" she asked in a panic.

"No, I'm trying to win back your trust Bella, why would I invade your privacy?" I tried to lean in for another kiss because any kiss would never curb my addiction.

"So you didn't even turn it over and look at the cover?" she seemed to not believe me, and I laughed at how much it meant to her.

"No, I didn't even look at it. I have no idea what kind of magazine it is," not even the diaper ad on the back gave me any inclination of what it was.

She wiggled her way out of my grasp and pulled me by the hand to the couch. "I wasn't going to tell you until I knew for sure, which still isn't until tomorrow."

"Tell me what? Is something wrong?" I pulled back on my hand causing her to stop right in front of the coffee table. "You would tell me if something was wrong wouldn't you?"

When she looked back at me she was biting her bottom lip and pink crossed her features. "I wouldn't say something is wrong, I would say….things have changed."

Now I was worried, "What do you mean changed, your feelings haven't changed have they?" I was desperate, needy and losing control of my emotions. Bella had to love me, there was no other way it should be.

"No, not at all. My feelings will never change." She came closer to me, grabbing the magazine on the way. She held it up to me and I read the title.

* * *

_**Oh boy, what's the title to the magazine? I'm sure it's not hard to guess but I like to think it is. I would love to hear your guesses. Alice is prego, how cool. I haven't read many stories where Alice is prego so I though it would be nice for her and Jasper to have a little baby crawling around. I know, very cliche but what is the next step in any relationship? Marriage and kids right? For Jasper, he is scared to marry, scared his marriage will end up like his parents. **_

_**Well, this is a story about all of their lives and guess what, marriage and kids are real possibilities. **_

_**As of now, there is only one more chapter written so I will be posting that on Wednesday...after that I am not sure when I will post. School will be out in about a week and a half maybe two and I will have a lot more time to write and post. So please stick it out and hang in there....things are going to get good and bad and good again....**_

**_Thank you Scrimmy, it's good to have you back again. I missed you...I'll be sending you some chapters soon, I promise. Thank you to the readers and reviewers and alert adders LOL....you really make this more exciting for me....thank you soooo much. _**

_**Leave me sum luv...lil' button just below**_

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	20. Knocked Up

**19. Knocked Up**

_**BPOV**_

Monday when I woke up for work, it felt like I had the worst kind of food poisoning. My stomach was in knots and my head was dizzy. Thankfully, nothing came up and I made it to work in clean clothing. Today was different than any other day, the way I felt was off. All day I was in a sort of dream like state, all of my thoughts revolving around the feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I finally made it through the day and called Alice on my headset on my way to her place. We were meeting up with Rose to get Alice a pregnancy test. She was pretty sure she was pregnant but we all wanted proof. I told her how I was feeling and she joked that maybe I should get one too. Sure it was funny, until I really thought about it.

I hung up the phone without another word and abruptly pulled off the side of the road. I mentally calculated the last time I had a menstrual cycle. I couldn't remember; I never really kept track of it that way. I thought back to the last time we had sex, god it was amazing. We used protection. I thought back on every time, because it was all memorable, and we have always used a condom. Then I thought back to the first time; heat of the moment and lovers passion. I took a deep intake of breath and it hit me. "I might be pregnant."

I forced myself to put my hands back on the wheel and get back out into the traffic. I made it to Alice, not remembering one turn I made, and sat in my car with the ignition off. How could we have been so stupid? Why didn't I have any for just in case? Because I never thought I would have anyone in my bed, that's why. Shows how very little I know.

Rose pulled up and she waved a purple cardboard box at me through the windshield. She was smiling and I probably looked like my cat just died; if I had one. Rose was suddenly at my window tapping on it with the purple box.

"Come on Bella," she called through the glass. I mechanically moved my arm to reach for the handle and got out of the car feeling light on my feet. Vertigo hit me and I nearly fell onto the sidewalk if it weren't for Rose steadying me. "Whoa, are you okay?"

"I'm fine…just a little light headed," I half lied. I couldn't say, 'I'm fine…I just figured out I might be pregnant."

She gave me a worried look and then I followed her down the path to the front door of Alice's home. We didn't knock; we just walked in like we always do. Alice was there, she's always chipper smile planted on her always happy face.

Rose held out the box with a devilish grin, "You ready?" Talk about getting down to business.

Alice snatched the box out of her hands, "Oh heck yeah," and started toward the bathroom.

I had to know if I was pregnant too, I need the reassurance that life wasn't about to get 10 times harder than it already was. "Rose, is that the one that comes with two tests?" I tried to sound nonchalant but I have always been terrible at hiding my true feelings and intentions.

"Yeah," she looked confused by my question, "Why?"

I blushed and looked down at my feet, something that always gave me away, hence my previous statement. "No," she gushed. "You aren't?" she pushed me for feedback.

"I don't know, I just haven't been feeling well and I'm not sure if I'm late or not." I tried to defend my reasoning but it was too late.

"Alice," Rose yelled.

"What, I'm trying to pee here," she yelled from behind the closed door of the bathroom.

"Bella needs to join you," she informed her.

"Why?"

"Because she might be prego too," she laughed and I could have died right there.

"What!" and then the door flew open. "Did I just hear you right, you might be pregnant?" she asked looking at me buttoning her pants.

"I said I don't know. I just want to check if you have a spare one." I tried to sound indifferent but it was quite possibly the biggest deal of my life; aside from Edward reappearing.

Without objection or any further arguing she gestured with her hand for me to enter the bathroom. I walked passed her and shut the door behind me. "Hurry up, I want to see the results to mine," she ordered through the door.

I did what needed to be done with shaky hands and sat the life changing stick opposite Alice's along the sink. I opened the door and Alice rushed passed me and grabbed hers up quicker than I thought possible. A smile spread across her face and she started jumping in place.

"I'm pregnant," she shrieked, "I'm pregnant. Oh my freaking god I'm pregnant." Her expression and tone turned to worry; she was really good at showing emotions. "How am I going to tell Jasper?"

I didn't hear anything after that. When Alice rushed passed me to get her phone I walked in the opposite direction. I didn't want to know what the stick said but I needed to know. I wished that I could leave here as one person and for this worry to come later in our lives. We did not need this now, so fresh into our reunion. This reality could very well tear us apart for good. I prayed for the stick to be negative; opposite what the previous one informed us.

Yeah, if I could be so lucky.

I looked in the mirror, nothing about me was glowing. I had stress lines around my eyes and dark circles that weren't the most apparent thing on my face but they weren't unnoticeable either. I did not look like a pregnant woman. Of course the stick had another opinion.

"What does it say?" Alice asked in her still excited tone. "Are we prego together or what?"

I looked away from the mirror and met Alice and Rose's expectant stares. They must have seen the answer in my eyes and the panic that was creeping up my spin. "I'm not ready for this," I said simply; calmly. "We've only been together a few weeks. How can we be ready for this?"

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you did the dirty dead huh?" Rose poked fun and it inwardly infuriated me. How is this a time to crack jokes?

"That's why they say to always wear a rain jacket when you go out into the rain," Alice giggled nervously. They had to see the panic by now.

"What the hell am I going to do? What am I going to tell Edward?" I very nearly shouted. It was all I could do to not break down right there. "What is he going to think?" he doesn't seem like the type.

"Calm down," Alice tried to comfort me.

"Why don't you call him and find out?" Rose offered.

"Over the phone? You have got me fucked up if you think I'm going to deliver that kind of information over the phone," something we've said since we were younger.

"Then wait and find out, either way you are going to have to tell him and either way it's going to happen weather you want it to or not." She was right, I couldn't deny that but I wasn't going to call Edward and tell him anything.

My shoulders dropped and I let out a sigh of stress and worry, I let it fill me because I had no idea, nothing to go by, what Edward's reaction was going to be when I told him.

I wasn't planning on seeing Edward until Friday so you can imagine my shock when I found him sitting in my living room Wednesday after work. Alice was due to arrive any moment to help me form a plan for dropping the bomb on Edward. I didn't want to scare him away or make him feel like I was trying to trap him or something because that isn't the case at all. I never planned on having kids this early; I wasn't sure if that was ever going to happen.

When I saw his car sitting outside my apartment I wasn't entirely sure it was his but I had a sinking suspicion that it was. When I stood at the door I felt the shock of his presence and I knew then that it definitely was his car. I was thrilled that he didn't look at the magazine, giving him time to dwell over it or even leave before I got home.

Standing there holding the magazine out to him was the most awkward I have felt in his presence as of now. "Parent's magazine?" he said out loud. "What does that have to do…" His expression changed with hast; all emotions drained and his face unreadable.

He looked at me, his green eyes confused and unsure. "Bella…are you telling me you're pregnant?"

"I don't know how it happened, well I mean I know _how_ it happened but I never thought it would. It's not 100% sure." My attempt at reading his expression was diminished by his ability to hide his feelings.

"You don't know for sure? How do you know at all?" he pushed.

"Alice got a test for herself and it came with two so I took one. I wasn't feeling well, haven't since the middle of last week. I have the test if you want to see it." I kept it because I wanted to have it if it turned out to be accurate.

"Yeah, you still have it?" he asked puzzled by that fact.

I darted out of his sight without a response and grabbed it from the table on my side of the bed. I returned to the front room and held it out to Edward who took it without hast. He sat down in the rocking chair behind him and studied it intently. He looked at it for a while; still nothing to tell me how he felt about it.

When he finally did look up at me, his expression still held nothing that would give me any inclination of how he was taking it. He stood from his seated position and dropped the test on the coffee table next to the magazine. He bent over and grabbed it, studying the front cover.

I was done waiting to find out how he felt. I needed to know that I wasn't going to be a single mother raising our child. "Edward, can you please tell me what you're thinking? It's killing me." I half begged.

He turned the magazine over so I could see it and pointed at the line that said: 25 Things a Father can do with his Daughter. "I hope she has your eyes."

I smiled widely, the happiness taking over the dread and worry that was encasing me moments ago. I threw myself at him and he caught me; instantly crushing me to him. "I love you so much and I'll love our daughter just the same."

The tears flowed down my cheeks; something I've been holding back since I found out. "So you're not mad?" I asked through my sniffles.

He backed away from me, still holding me in his arms. "I am so fucking elated to be with you Bella. A baby is only going to add to the joy that you bring to my life." He smiled, not the smile that drives me crazy, but a goofy uncontrollable smile that caused my insides to celebrate. "I'm going to be a father," he said excitedly. "The best kind of father," he added in a whisper.

I thought about his own father; his real father. The things he subjected his family to and the way he treated them. Not once did I worry about the kind of father Edward would be. Carlisle and Esme raised him well and Carlisle was the best kind of role model for him; for anyone. I know Edward will walk in his footsteps.

There was a knock at the door and I remembered Alice was coming over. "Oh, that's Alice." I tried to pull away from him but his hold was like vise grips around me. I pushed away from him and he didn't let up. "Edward, I have to get the door."

He raised his head from my shoulder and his eyes were red, "I love you so fucking much Bella, tell me you love me the same because I'm freaking out right now." He laughed but it was a scared, nervous muffle.

"Let me get rid of Alice okay; I'll be right back and we can talk," he released me and fell back into the rocking chair behind him. I didn't want to leave the solace of his arms and leave him worried but I did want to tell Alice to leave and we'd talk more tomorrow. It wasn't that easy though.

I opened the door and she stormed in, "Geez Bella, took you long enough to answer." She stormed past me but I stopped her.

"Alice wait," she turned to look at me and she was definitely confused.

"What?"

"I don't think now is a good time," I pointed toward the front room and whispered "Edward's in there."

Her mouth formed a small o shape and she realized what I was talking about. "O-kay, call me," she padded my shoulder. "Good luck," and then she slipped out the door. I didn't bother telling her that I had already dropped the bomb, but it didn't matter. I had bigger things to deal with.

When I stepped back into the living room the sight I saw was heart wrenching. Edward's face was in his hands and his fingers were fisted in his hair. I walked to stand in front of him, my hands touching his head softly.

"Edward," I whispered. His right hand left his hair and he reached out to mine and I let him take it.

"Please don't tell me you don't feel the same anymore because I can't take it, not now." His face remained hidden in the palm of his left hand and I could hear that he was serious. He really thought I was going to push him away again.

I kneeled down to be at his level and tried to move his head so I could see into his eyes.

"No, I don't want you to see me like this," he refused to lift his head.

"If you want my answer you'll look at me, I'm not saying a word until you do." I waited and waited until finally his hand dropped. He lifted his face, his eyes scorching into mine. I almost couldn't answer; his anguish took my breath away. "Just tell me Bella, shit." She pleaded forlornly.

I stood up and sat in his lap, my arms lacing around his neck. I kissed him softly, not lingering at all and he tried to pull me back in. I resisted and looked back into his tear swollen eyes.

"I have always loved you Edward, I can't breathe if you're not with me. I cannot imagine my life without you so yes, I fucking love you so much." I laughed lightly and he just crushed me to him. His hand fell to my stomach and I moved away so I could see what he was doing.

"Are we ready for this?" He asked seriously, looking at his hand on my still flat stomach.

"Does it matter?" I think I would hurl if he said that there was another way.

"No, I guess not." His eyes came up to mine, "How do you feel about it?"

I let out a breath of air, "I don't know, I'm not super excited about it but it's happening." The tone in my voice sounded like someone was dying; I had to fix it. "We have nine months to get used to the idea." He smiled, a genuine smile, his smile. The one that drove me crazy anytime he used it. He just stared at me smiling so I smiled back, "What?"  
He blushed, just a little, as he ducked his head, "We have nine months."

I laughed at his knowledge of the facts of life, "Yeah, that's how long pregnancies usually last."

"No, that isn't what I meant. I meant _we_," he emphasized, "Have nine months ahead of us; together."

"I was hoping for forever, but I'll take what I can get," I joked and he laughed.

"Now forever I can do," he hugged me, his face burying in my hair. He wasn't thrilled about having a baby but neither was I; at least he wasn't upset about it. That was the least I could ask for, now we would have to see what the following months would have in store for us. We are a new couple with a long past, things are bound to come up that are going to test our devotion. I am determined to leave the past behind us and only look to the future. By past I mean the one we shared and the ones we had apart. I don't care if Edward has slept with 50 woman as long as he only sleeps with one for the rest of his life. I don't care about anything that happened before I realized I couldn't live life to the fullest unless I was with him. I only care, now, about the future with him that has been painted for me.

Edward swept me up into his arms and I didn't object. He looked into my eyes as he carried me into the room and all I could see now was joy in them. He was utterly happy, as was I, and soon we would be parent's to an innocent little being that we both helped create out of the love we hold for one another.

Life is crazy like that, I suppose. But one can only hope for the best.

_**EPOV**_

There were a ton of pictures on the wall, some big some small. Some made sense and others not so much. The walls were that hospital white and the scent of antibacterial hand sanitizer wafted past my nose every time someone walked by me. "Isabella Swan," the nurse with the flamingo scrubs called from a side door.

Bella got out of her chair, "Let's go," and I followed through the door. On the other side was a weight scale.

"First let's get you weighed," the nurse instructed and I watched as Bella slipped her shoes off and stepped onto the platform. "125 pounds," she recited and held out a little plastic cup. "Take this into the bathroom, we only need about this much." She held her finger a quarter of the way up the cup then handed it to Bella.

She gave me a shy smile then disappeared behind the bathroom door. The nurse looked me over the moment she was gone. I tried to ignore her, even as she dropped her pen she'd been writing with and bent over in front of me.

I wasn't interested.

Bella came out and her face was flushed pink. I took her into my arms and we followed the slutty nurse to our room. She took Bella's blood pressure, her temperature and checked her heart rate. "The doctor will be in to see you soon," and then she left.

"How's it going? Are you feeling okay?" I'd been asking her that a lot since I found out, but I wanted to be sure she was comfortable.

"I'm fine, just a little nervous." As was I, there's still a chance she isn't pregnant. A home test is nothing like a hospital test. This was going to be the moment of truth, the moment that's going to hopefully alter the future I'd come to terms with pre-Bella. I wanted to be tied to her in some way. Some way that would mean she will be in my life forever; this was it.

It wasn't long before there was a knock on the door and the doctor walked through it. "Hi Isabella, I'm Carmen Shrute." She held out her hand in greeting, "And you must be Edward Cullen, it's great to meet the two of you."

Her hands rested in her lap and she looked from me to Bella and back, "How are you feeling?"

"We're anxious to know the results," Bella answered for us.

"Well that's good because I have them right here." She pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to her. I leaned far over her shoulder so I could read what it said.

"Positive," we both said in unison looking up to meet each other's eyes.

"Yes, I'm going to say you're about three weeks along and your due date is July 25." After we talked about what to expect in the next nine months and what I can do to help Bella feel more comfortable, Dr. Shrute measured Bella's waist and her bust. We made another appointment for next month and left with smiles on our faces.

Journal Entry 1: October 13, 2009

_I'm going to be a daddy._

_I, Edward Cullen, am having a baby and am excited beyond comparison._

_I never thought I would be so taken over by emotions that I would bawl like a little baby in front of Bella but fuck if I didn't._

_How could I not?_

_I'm going to be a daddy._

_Those six little words are so foreign to me, never thought I would say them in that sequence. _

_Now, I can't stop replaying them in my head._

_I'm going to be a daddy…_

_I'm going to be a daddy…_

* * *

We had decided not to say anything to our extended family; they wouldn't understand. Besides, thanksgiving was coming up and everyone would be there. What better time would there be? Alice, however, was bound and determined to make sure everyone knew. Jasper was excited himself; two predetermined bachelors for life (for different reasons)…having babies. People back home in Chicago would never believe it.

"I think I am going to be sick," Bella laid her head down against my chest and I cradled her sympathetically.

"I'm so sorry love, I wish I could help. What do you want me to do?" I asked helplessly.

"Don't move, just…don't move. You're making it worse." She relaxed against me and I stayed still as stone. If I could I would take her place, I know a lot of men have probably said the same thing but how many of them truly meant it?

The plane taking us to Chicago lifted off with Bella hurling into a bag the stewardess brought to us. Once it leveled out and we were cleared to remove our belts Bella wasn't the only one rushing to the restroom. Thankfully she found one and 10 minutes later she emerged. She looked flushed and exhausted as she walked down the aisle. She was so beautiful, so pure and natural now more than ever with her hand resting on the small bump hidden beneath her shirt.

She sat down next to me and laced her arms around my right one, "I feel so much better." She cuddled up to me and I rested my head on hers. I thought about what Carlisle and Esme's reaction was going to be when they found out about us, more so when they find out about the pregnancy. I hoped Esme would be excited, she said she expected grandchildren from me. Her wish was being granted wasn't it?

Then I thought about Bella's nominal parents, this will be our first official meeting as Bella's boyfriend. Would they think ill of me for impregnating a woman whose heart I've broken? Will they be happy for Bella or worried for her? Would Bella stand up for what we have if they thought it wrong or unjust? Would I?

Bella stirred at my side and I looked down at her, her eyes shut and lips barely parted. Her hair was down natural and fell partially in front of her face. Her hands were still clenching at my forearm, "Olive juice," she whispered.

Now that I knew what that meant, it made perfect sense to me. "Mmm," she snuggled closer to me and I pulled her in. Her eyes fluttered open just long enough to look up at me through her lashes and smile a sweet-lazy smile. This time I joined her slumber, welcoming the coming dream I would soon be living.

The descent of the plane woke me and I opened my eyes to a pair of big brown welcoming ones. "Did you sleep well?" She asked with a smirk.

I was slouching down and my back was screaming at me, I had to straightened myself and Bella groaned in protest. "Where's the bag?" she asked suddenly, hurriedly. "Hurry," she ordered. I reached in the under compartment and found a fresh bag. I handed it to her just in time to catch what was coming out. I held her hair for her and rubbed her back because it was all I could do.

We docked the plane and Carlisle and Charlie were waiting anxiously by the security gates. They waved energetically and we all smiled and waved back. I had Bella tucked under my arm as I pulled and carried our luggage. My girl was not going to carry anything, that's what I'm here for.

I studied Charlie's expression most. He was staring at me, measuring me up and judging by what he sees. This will be his first impression of me as Bella's boyfriend and the first thing we were going to tell them was the news. First impressions are everything to some people and Charlie is a police officer; his job description includes making first impression judgments.

When we reached them we all hugged one another and Charlie went right for Ethan. He and Carlisle made baby faces at him and all but pinched his chubby cheeks. When Charlie handed him over to Carlisle, Bella caught his attention.

"Hey Charlie, you remember Jasper and Emmett's brother Edward?" She said nervously.

"Oh, now he's got to be more than that," he looked over our close proximity of each other. Bella still snug under my arm; protected.

She looked away shyly, hiding her embarrassment. "I was getting to that. Edward this Charlie, Charlie this is my boyfriend Edward."

He didn't offer his hand, instead he made the following statement. "So all three of the Cullen boys snagged them each a Swan girl, look at that," he elbowed Carlisle in the side to gain his attention.

"Yeah, I'm not sure, but I think it might be illegal," Carlisle played along with him, not taking his eyes off of Ethan.

I decided to try and break the ice a little, "Well it's a good thing we have a man of the law on our side, eh chief Swan?"

"Don't get to comfortable boy, I'll turn on you quick as a honey bee," he stole Bella from my grasp to pull her into a hug. He had nothing but love for those girls and I admired him for his devotion to them. He didn't have to be there for them and he sure as hell didn't have to be a part of their lives once they moved out; but he was. Looks like Bella and I both lucked out in that department.

We arrived at my childhood home 45 minutes later and Jasper, Emmett and I gathered our things while the girls went inside to see their nominal mother. I wasn't as nervous as I expected to be, Charlie seemed like a fairly laid back guy, I think we would get along great.

"Don't worry, Charlie is very easy to win over," Jasper reassured me without indication.

"Yeah bro. Give him a Rainer and a football game and he's good to go," Emmett agreed. Maybe I was more nervous than I initially thought.

Renee was just as easygoing as her husband; she didn't bring up our past at all or give any sign that she wanted to. No wonder Bella talked so highly of them, I was grateful that she found them when she did even if it did ruin the next decade.

We all sat at the table that I was sure hasn't been used since the last time we were here and ate dinner. Conversations were a buzz all around the table and Bella sat at my side nibbling on her food. Ever since she became pregnant that's about all she can do.

Renee noticed, "Bella sweetie why are you picking at your food?" she asked the moment there was silence to do so. I tried not to give anything away but Bella was the one to do it.

"I can't eat very much, it makes me nauseous," she didn't look away from her fork full of lasagna. I chanced a glance at Renee and she was eyeing Bella skeptically.

"Maybe you should get that checked out, you might have a bug." She dug back into her own food and conversation began again. Thankfully we dodged that bullet.

After dinner we all kind of did our own things, Bella and I sat in front of the fireplace just enjoying each other's company. That was until the women came in with cocoa and I got booted out of the circle because, apparently, it was something they have done for years.

"I'll miss you," Bella cooed into my ear before I released her from the bear hug I was giving her.

"I love you," I whispered back and left her there to find the guys. I wasn't going to be the odd man out; not anymore, now that I have Bella.

* * *

_**Whoo Bella is pregnant. Being such, her emotions are on the fritz. Please forgive me if I screw up the timing of the pregnancy but it's going to be an over look basically. One or two chapters will be all pregnancy but will also be very important chapters. Remember when I said it'll get good, bad and good again. Yeah :), keep that in mind. **_

_**Thank you for your reviews and those of you who have added SH to your favs or alerts. Thank you to Scrimmy, you are the best. I know, you want more story and I will get it to you, I promise. Ohhh! Did everyone see the 10 second Eclipse teaser trailer. OME, it has me hooked already. I think I watched it like 10 times in a row. I need more....ahhh cannot wait until June 19th...and that's my birthday month whooo....**_

_**On a very sad note....I am in finals week, all the way through end of next week. That being said, I will not have a lot of time to write. I am going to get something to you on Saturday, it may not be very long but it will be something. After that I might not be updating for about a week. I will have a better idea by this Saturday..hopefully. **_

_**Please leave me sum luv....lil' button just below**_

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	21. It Could Happen to You

**20. It Could Happen to You**

_**BPOV**_

I have never felt as sick as I did on the plane ride to Chicago. It's been over a month since I told Edward I was pregnant. He moved in with Alice and Jasper shortly after but that didn't last long. He stayed at my place most of the time, which I preferred it that way. He would ask me every night if I wanted him to go even though he knew what the answer would be. It started to irritate me and I just told him he might as well move in, I didn't ask, I ordered; he followed.

We've only lived together for a week now and here we are sitting on the floor in front of his parent's fireplace, "You are so beautiful Bella." Edward was leaning against the couch and I was lying in his lap. "I don't know what I did to deserve you." He brushed my face lightly with the palm of his hand and guided my lips to his. The kiss was soft, short and sweet; we were in his parents' house, strictly pg.

"You were born," I said when our lips parted and he held my gaze with his.

A smile crossed his face, the one that makes his eyes crinkle and his gorgeous teeth show their beauty. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"It's exactly what I did to deserve you," I replied simply turning my gaze to the four women entering the room.

"Alright you two love birds, time to separate." Renee stood above us, a serious playful look on her face.

Esme stood to the other side of us, "The boys are in the garage talking car and driver; I'm sure you'll be more comfortable out there," she offered.

"Okay, I can tell when I'm not wanted," he chuckled and started to get up. I got up with him and he took me into his strong arms and held me there for a moment, his face buried into my hair.

"I'll miss you," I whispered into his ear.

"I love you," he whispered back and then he was gone. I felt alone, disowned by the void he left behind.

The girls around me all took a seat and I followed soon after. They all had their cocoa in hand and it made me smile that we still had this tradition. We talked about Alice's pregnancy and how happy everyone was for her and Jasper. The "date" was brought up and Alice disregarded it as timing. I was beginning to feel confident that I could keep quiet about my situation, until Renee turned the subject to me.

"So," Renee started, "We don't mean to gang up on you Bella but how are things? I mean," she looked at Esme then back, "With Edward of course."

I took a deep breath because this was going to be a long and agonizing conversation. "Really good," I hesitated, "I'm happy and he seems to be happy as well."

Esme was holding her tongue, I could tell and she didn't hold back once she saw I noticed. "What about your history together? Edward was traumatized; I never thought he would love another woman." Well I should hope not. "He told me himself he wouldn't."

I wanted Esme to like me, what girlfriend wouldn't want her boyfriend's parent's to like her? It seemed like she didn't trust me or that she expected me to break his heart again. "Our history is exactly that; history. We try not to talk about it, especially when things come up that happened when we were apart."

"Is he good to you honey," Renee asked in her motherly tone. Her eyes were concerned and the way she leaned in when she said it meant she was _seriously_ asking me that question. I wanted them to know that without a doubt Edward is good to me and understand what we have, what we cherish and what we won't let go ever again.

"The best, he is so…I don't want to say perfect because nobody is perfect, but he just makes me feel so treasured. I feel safe when I'm with him and not just physically." Every pair of eyes were watching me; listening intently as if I were reading them a story. "Being apart didn't work so good for either of us. I was living a life alone, in darkness that never seemed to end. There were people, things that I did everyday but it was all empty. My work, my family, my friends; I had nothing at the end of the day." I felt terrible for saying these things out loud, especially in front of Renee but more than that they needed to really know the way I feel and the emotions I dealt with everyday.

"Don't cry Renee." I saw the tears in her eyes, "I am so happy and thankful to have had you and Charlie in my life. I don't want to think about how bad it would have been if I hadn't." She sniffled a smile and I continued.

"Now that I found Edward it's like the light switch was flipped on and now I see everything. At the end of every day I have family and friends. When I go to work I smile, I am excelling because I am complete. Edward completes me; I cannot be me without him."

Renee threw her arms around me, not overdramatically, but she sobbed silently on my shoulder. "I never knew it was that bad, I wish you would have told us. We could have looked for him."

"Things worked out in the end you know; it's prepared me for the future, made me strong and I have you and Charlie to thank for helping me along the way." I looked at Esme and she looked like she was going to burst with tears.

I wanted her to know that from the bottom of my heart I love her son, "I love him and I won't ever leave him. I can't live without him."

She leaned up onto her knees and crawled over to me, "Bella sweetie I am so sorry if I ever came off as rude to you. Please understand it was only because I know what he's gone through and I was trying to protect him. He felt the same way you did, the time apart had the same effect on both of you." She hugged me then; a tight I'm-sorry-please-except-my-apology-for-all-things-wholly kind of hug.

"I wouldn't have expected you to do anything less." She pulled away and Alice and Rose scooted closer to form a smaller circle than the one before. "Now, I have some things to confess."

"Oh, I knew there was going to be a catch," Alice squealed.

"Alice, shut up. You already know," I laughed.

"I know, that's the best paarrrt," she shook her hands for me to continue.

"Edward and I have been living together for the last week," Renee's jaw dropped. Esme didn't look surprised. "As you know," I said more to Esme than anyone else, "Edward moved in with Alice and Jasper and he was always at my house he basically lived there just without the title. There was no point, so I asked him to move in with me."

"When did you get so bold," Renee asked incredulously.

"When I got my life back," I replied. "That's not it though." I wasn't sure how to go about telling them, but I knew now was it. "I, ah, don't really know how I should say this so I'm just going to come out and say it." They were all staring at me, Alice and Rose included.

"I'm pregnant," I bit my bottom lip and held my breath for their response. At first I thought they were going to be irate; say something like "That's not good for your mental health", or "Don't you think you could have been more careful?". The answer I would give for the first question would be "it would be unhealthy for me not to be with him". For the latter question my answer would be—and this would be ultra embarrassing for me to say in front of my nominal mother—"If you were in my shoes that would be the furthest thing from your mind".

I didn't have to say either of those things.

"Bella, oh my god, Bella," Renee wrapped her loving arms around me and hugged me tight. "I can't believe it, I am so happy for you."

"Really, you aren't angry, you don't think we're being irresponsible?" I asked taken aback by her reaction.

"Well maybe a little but it doesn't matter Bella, you're happy, you're grown, what better time to settle down and start a family." That's what I'm doing, settling down and starting a family. My own family. My family with Edward.

I felt another pair of hands which brought me back to reality, away from the vision I conjured up of the future. It was Esme. "I'm so happy for you and for Edward." She hugged me adoringly, "I just knew he would give me a grandchild. I had to convince myself on a few occasions but I always knew."

There was a noise in the doorway and we all turned to see who it was. He stood there in the entrance, his hand in his pocket; something I noticed he did when he was nervous, his other pointed up in a questioning manner. "Am I interrupting something?"

Esme let out a quiet shriek as she pulled herself up off the floor and ran to him, "You sly dog. You almost had me convinced." She said before Edward caught her in his arms. "You don't know how happy I am for you. Both of you," she looked back at me with a moving smile. It made me feel like I was part of the family.

His eyes were on me and I let mine fall to the cup in my hands, "You told them already?"

"I couldn't help it," I answered defeated. "They practically drug it out of me, beating and all," I whispered for forgiveness. We planned on telling them together during Thanksgiving dinner. Oops.

He looked back at Esme, a smile contorting his face, "I'm having a baby," he told her as if she didn't already know.

"I know," she cheered, shaking his arms with hers. "I knew you would, didn't I tell you?"

"Yeah you did," he agreed and left her side. He came toward me, the only reason I knew was because of the electric hum between us that intensified with every inch he became closer. He lowered himself to the floor before he reached me and then took me into his arms. His lips crushed to mine and static danced betwixt us making any thoughts that didn't have to do with the moment impossible. I felt his emotions; they were seeping out of him and into me while my own emotions took their place.

When he pulled away he smiled not inches away, I could still feel his breath on my face. "I fucking love you, "he said so everyone could hear him.

Even though there were eyes watching and ears listening I didn't care because I love him too, "I love you fucking too."

_**EPOV**_

I left Bella with the women of our families, I didn't really want to but I had a feeling they wanted to talk about us. The sooner they know the extent of our love for one another the better.

I entered the garage and everyone was gawking at Carlisle's still covered Vanquish. That was always one of the main events in this house and Charlie had never seen it, probably never seen one in person; especially living is desolate Forks, Washington. I invited myself into their circle, my hands in my pocket.

Carlisle removed the cover and unearthed his pride and joy, Charlie let out a whistle. "Nice," he added.

"Yeah," Carlisle agreed, "Now that the road is paved I take it out a lot more than I used to. This kind of machinery isn't harmonized with gravel," he guffawed.

"Oh please, I could take this out to the lot right now and give you all a show," I said over Emmett's massive shoulder.

Everyone looked my way momentarily then back to the perfect piece of machinery in front of us. "That day will never come son," Carlisle said not taking his eyes away from the metallic metal paint, "You know how Esme worries," he tried to cover up looking at me and my brothers.

"Oh right, you don't worry at all," I joked.

"I still remember when you were 14," he was talking to Emmett, "You thought it would be a hoot to take my golf cart out wheelin." Emmett suppressed a grin. "You brought it back literally in pieces," his voice raised a bit in enthusiasm.

"Do I look like Emmett to you?" I asked condescendingly.

"And we're adults now," Emmett added in my deliberation.

"Like that makes a difference," Jasper commented walking the other way.

"Who asked you Twerpster?" Emmett shot him a menacing but humorous glare.

"Okay boys, I haven't taken it out in a while and I planned on doing it during your stay," Carlisle was good at breaking up our faux arguments. "Which reminds me," he looked over at me, "How are you handling things?"

Everyone looked at me then and Jasper smiled a toothy grin. I started to sweat when I noticed Charlie, he was ready to hear this, probably been wanting to ask the same question since we arrived. I guess it's good to get it all out right away. "What things are you referring to?"

"You know exactly what I'm referring to Edward, don't play stupid," Carlisle called me out.

"I'm fine, we're fine. I know we have this crazy fucked up past but we try to only look towards the future." I left Emmett's side and leaned against my covered car, my hands still in my pockets. "Bella seems happy, she smiles a lot." I smiled just thinking about it. I pictured it in my mind, crystal clear. When we were younger I told myself I would see her smile a sincere smile everyday if I could get it out of her. To this day I still tell myself that.

"What about you?" Carlisle questioned. "You went through a lot as well. How do you feel about everything that 's happened?" He and Charlie were both looking at me intently, Emmett and Jasper were watching; they already knew the whole story.

"I'm happy, everyday. We've talked about what happened and come to terms that it happened for a reason."

Charlie stepped toward me, his gaze never left mine, "Do you love Bella, Edward?"

This was the truest thing I could ever say and it wasn't hard to say now, even with Charlie's fatherly edge. "I do sir, I've never stopped loving her," the truth will set you free…or get you shot.

His expression softened into a version of him you wouldn't expect to see, "That girl loves you from the deepest part of her heart and I can't imagine what will happen to her if you break it again. Seeing that little girl as broken as she was, was heartbreaking. I won't put up with you playing with her son."

If I was being honest with myself, that pissed me off; but I couldn't very well go off on my Bella's nominal father. Instead I chose to tell them the news we came to share. The reason Bella picked at her food during dinner. The reason I haven't wanted to leave Bella's side since I found out even before the doctor's visit.

"I would never do that Charlie, it wasn't my intention to do it the first time. I never would have dreamed of doing it. Actually I dreamt the exact opposite but you don't need to know that," I was rambling; nervous about what his reaction to the news was going to be. I pulled my hands out of my pockets so I could try and paint a picture for him.

"When I left…no I didn't leave…when I was taken away from her, I felt like I left half of me with her. I felt empty, hurt and fucking lost when I went back to find her and she was gone. If I would have known she was still in Forks I would have looked for her. It would have been easy as fucking pie to find her there."

Before anyone could say anything I continued, "Bella and I are headed into a journey I know that for certain and it probably isn't going to be easy…albeit harder than most but we're dealing with it one step at a time. We're living together, yeah," I shook my head with enthusiasm, "Bella asked me and I couldn't say no, I didn't want to." My eyes raked over all the ones staring back at me and rested on Charlie's. "Bella's pregnant Charlie, we didn't mean for it to happen but it did and we are fucking elated. I can't tell you how much I already love the baby inside her, merely because it's part of both of us." His mouth dropped and his eyes creased. "She's going to be so pissed that I told you without her, maybe I should go and get her."

Charlie remained silent and I made my exit to get Bella. I needed her support and her help in keeping me alive. I also needed to tell her what I did and hope she would forgive me.

I heard Esme's squeal before I reached the entry way to the front room and when I rounded the corner she was hugging my Bella for unknown reasons to me but it made me smile.

"Am I interrupting something?" I asked nervously.

Esme hugged me and called me a sly dog. I didn't understand the significance until she said "I'm so happy for you," and looked back at Bella smiling and repeating "Both of you."

"Looks like I'm not the only one who told," I said as I held Bella in my arms and everyone watched.

"Ah, young love," Emmett said from behind me.

"Shut up Em," Rose slapped his shoulder.

"Technically they've loved each other for about a decade so it's old reacquainted love," Alice corrected him.

"You told Charlie?" Bella was suddenly frantic.

"Yeah, I'm sorry love it just happened." She looked over me to where Charlie stood looking back. She stayed silent and Charlie cleared his throat.

"Congratulations kid, I'm happy for you." Renee, who was standing beside him, wrapped her arms around his waist and he rested his on her shoulders.

"Thank you," Bella cooed her response.

"Hey, do you want to go on a ride with me?" I asked looking deep into her eyes. I had an idea.

"Yes," she smiled deceivingly but only I noticed.

I helped her off the floor and we headed toward the garage, everyone watching our leave. Once on the other side of the door I took her into my arms and pushed my lips hard against hers. Her right hand found my hair and she tugged on it lightly. She knows exactly what that does to me.

"That isn't fair," I smiled against her and she pulled me closer to her. We could probably get away with getting down right here but I had something better planned. I kept her in my clutches as I made way to my car. I pulled off the cover while still locking lips with the woman of my dreams.

* * *

_**Short chappy, I know. I'm sorry but it's finals week and I have been one busy little bee haha! Saw the Eclipse trailer...totally in love with it and cannot wait until June. My birthday is in June also...25 geez where have the years gone? **_

_**Parents are excited about Bella being pregnant...a few people thought they were going to be upset but I figure they have both been through a lot already, why make things more difficult...that drama doesn't unfold for two more chapters so you get more of happy lovestruck Edward and Bella. There is some fun coming in the next chapter and an awkward moment between Edward and Bella during the car ride, you'll see, it's nothing bad just awkward...more for Edward than Bella I suppose. I will be updating on Wednesday...sorry this chapter was late. Yesterday I studied from 11am until about 10pm. **_

_**Thank you Scrimmy...you know I adore you. I will be talking to you soon. thank you readers for continuing to give me your support...you know I adore you too. **_

_**Please leave me sum luv...lil' button just below**_

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	22. Sweet November

**21. Sweet November**

_**BPOV**_

Edward driving was a very sexy Edward. Just imagine. Volvo C30, carbon fiber highlights and Edward in the front seat. His bronze hair glistening in the moon light and the sternness with which he handled the wheel. His moves were solid, well planned and prepared in advance. He judged every corner, everything in his view and beyond. I loved watching Edward drive, it was fascinating to me and made my blood boil.

He pulled onto this platform that over looked a deep valley. There wasn't any snow on the ground, this time of year doesn't call for it, so all you could make out was darkness.

"This used to be a lookout point where all the teenagers would bring their fucks. We used to call it fuck point," he chuckled to himself.

"How many girls did you bring up here?" I asked before I could fully think about it.

"You don't really want to know that…do you?" he looked at me.

"It isn't really about me wanting to know. I feel like I need to know. I should know, I'm having your baby Edward. We should know these things about one another."

He let out a breath of air and slapped his hands lightly on the steering wheel. "I think I might have brought three or four girls up here, I never really kept track."

I had to look away as what he said sunk in. Then I had a horrid thought, "Was any of those times in this car?" I was horror stricken; please let him say no.

"Oh hell no, I would never defile my car like that." Relief flooded through me. "Those girls were all one night stands Bella. I never had a real relationship, this is it."

"So what, you drove in their cars?"

"I really rather we don't go into specifics, I don't want to go through the details. I'm not proud of the way I acted then and I can't change it but I can try and forget it. I wish you would too; I'm nothing like that anymore." He didn't look at me and I can't be sure but it almost seemed like he was trying to convince himself of that.

"I believe you," I said under my breath. "I don't care about who you used to be Edward, I only care about who you are now and that I'm wherever you are." I moved my hand to his and he held it tightly when I brushed it over his.

We looked out at the view, black nothingness stretched out in front of us, for a while. We didn't say anything and continued to lace our fingers together and trace invisible designs in each other's hands. It was nice being in the silence, I appreciated Edward's ability to stay calm for so long. Not many people can accomplish it like he can.

After so long though _I_ grew restless and I couldn't help but think about the other woman he had here, maybe even in this very spot we're sitting in. I thought about how he said he would never defile his car by having sex in it. I wanted to know if it was because he didn't care for them or if it was the act itself.

A few minutes went by that included me debating with myself until I decided to find out for myself. I released his hand and got onto my knees on the seat. He looked at me reluctantly and I lifted my leg to position it on the other side of him. Right away he knew what I was doing and adjusted his seat so there would be room.

"Well hello," he said when I was straddling him in the driver's seat. I tried to lean down to kiss him but my ass hit the horn on the steering wheel and scared us both. "Here, let me," he reached to the side of his seat and put it back as far as it would go, "Get you more room."

The moment his attention was back on me I started kissing his neck, just under his jaw line. He liked that, always shivered under me, like he just did. His hands were firm at my rear, gripping and pulling me down on top of him. I could feel him between my legs and it caused a moan to erupt within me.

Getting in the mood was not a problem when it came to Edward, just looking at him made my center burn with need. There was something else I needed to know, if by doing this would he be defiling his car, am I just another one of those girls.

He pulled my face up to his, our lips meeting and both of us letting out a breath of satisfaction. Nothing made me yearn for him more than his passionate kisses.

"What about your car?" I managed as his hands came up my thigh and gripped the hem of my pants.

He pulled on them to bring me closer, to press me into him, "Fuck the car."

That was the sexiest three words to come out of his mouth in that order. Not in context it wouldn't make sense but considering how much his car means to him and how little the women before me mattered; those words meant more to me than I love you. They meant sincerity, truth and reassurance.

"So I'm not just another girl you bring to fuck point," I asked awkwardly.

"Hell no, you aren't even in the same category, this just happens to be the place we ended up." He stopped all movement and looked into my eyes attentively. "I love you Bella, I never loved anyone but you. You are a category all your own."

His words and his presence took me over and I made love to Edward in the front seat of his car. There's one of many first's I get to share with him.

_**EPOV**_

My intention was not to take Bella to Fuck Point but to take Bella to a beautiful view. The view is magnificent. I also intended on breaking in my car for the first time. I have never broken it in that way because I didn't want a constant reminder of the lonely life I was leading.

When she asked me about the car all I could think was I could care less about the fucking car when it comes to my beautiful Bella straddling me. Rubbing against me in all the right place. "Fuck the car," I told her because it was true.

The moonlight did great things to Bella's body, shinning down on places that would only make me want her more. The pleasurable noises that escaped her lips were mind-blowing. She was really trying my perseverance. I could only fight it off for so long with her being the driver, the only position that would be comfortable in the front seat.

I think it meant more to her than me that we shared this moment in my car. If it helped her to realize that I really do love her and that she means more to me than all the girls in my past combined. Well, then I would do it all over my car and many times over. I will do anything to gain her trust and keep her loving me.

We lay together on my front seat completely naked and I loved the feel of her against me. Her fingers were tracing invisible lines on my chest and what came out of her mouth next I hadn't anticipated.

"Will you tell me about this tattoo?" she asked as she continued to trace the lines. I hadn't noticed that's where she was tracing and I looked down at it then to her. She was waiting for the answer that I didn't really want to give her. She deserved to know, and now it stood for something completely different.

"It was after the ballet gig I did in LA, the one for Rose. I felt your presence and it was beginning to drive me crazy. I wanted to know where it was coming from but every time I tried I couldn't find anything. I decided not to check that time because it was going to be fruitless anyways. I went to a tattoo parlor and the woman tattooist helped me find something that was significant to me."

"What does it stand for though, I can't figure it out," she said watching her fingers trace over the first letter of her name.

I let out a deep breath and told her. I told her what she already knew…that I hated her then for leaving without a trace back to her. I told her the B obviously represented her, that the wings represented her flight, and that the flames represented me overcoming it and moving on. "I never did though. I thought it would help me to remember that I didn't need you to be happy. Shows how good that did." I pulled her closer against me and she leaned up onto her elbow.

"So what does it mean now?" she was looking into my eyes intently waiting for my answer.

"Well," I said leaning up on both of my elbows. "The B is still for you, the wings represent guidance and protection and the fire…" I paused there because I'd thought a lot about the representation of the flames. It could stand for the passion I have for Bella, the transformation she had brought within me; the transformation for the better.

"What about the flames?" she pushed when I didn't answer her.

"The flames hold the most significance. They represent the light you brought into my life, the fire I thought was put out diminished. You showed me it was still there smoldering underneath, I just needed a fire starter and that's where you come in." I smiled and kissed her quickly, then let my back rest against the seat once again.

Bella leaned down and kissed my chest where the tattoo rested forever. "I'm sorry you put yourself through the pain for me."

"Don't be, it's my favorite part about myself. I carry you with me wherever I go, what more could I ask for."

* * *

The next morning was the day before Thanksgiving. We were going into town and down to the Navy Pier. Little Ethan was staying with the grandparents and Rose was freaking out about it.

"I don't know if this is a good idea, I mean he's barely three months old," she shook her head and reached for him but Renee leaned away from her. "It's too soon," she pleaded.

"Rosalie," Esme appeared over her shoulder, "You go out and have a good time, worry free. He will be here with all of us and he will be fine." She reassured her.

"Ah, I don't want to," Rose nearly cried.

Emmett took her into his monstrous grasp and she looked up to him with a pout. "You need to, I need you to," he pulled her toward the door and she went.

I held Bella's hand as we walked to the car. I smiled remembering last night and squeezed her hand. She squeezed back and I saw the smile that mirrored my own. We all piled into Esme's SUV and headed out. Rose didn't take her eyes off the house until it was out of sight.

"This is wrong," she snorted. "He needs me."

"Rosie, he will be fine. Let him be a man," Emmett boomed. "I don't want a pussy for a son."

"Excuse me Mr. Big and Bad, you better not be talking about my son like that," she smacked his arm and he cringed away.

"Hey, hey," he dodged her smacks and she continued to try and hit him.

I was all for witnessing Emmett getting his ass beat by his wife but I didn't want to put Bella's life, or anyone in the car's for that matter, in danger. "Please let him drive," I interrupted, "There are two pregnant women back here."

"Fine," she crossed her arms and looked out the passenger side window in annoyance. They continued to bicker all the way to the pier. They even continued to argue while we walked down the dock. Jasper and Alice were lost in each other, as they always seemed to be so I took Bella aside and had my go at winning her a giant teddy bear.

I didn't win the bear but I did win a blown up baseball bat. I handed it to her and she turned right around and wacked me over the head with it.

"What the hell Swan, cheap shot," I accused. She smiled deceivingly and raised her hand to hit me with it again. I grabbed her wrist and spun her around, holding her in place—her back against me. "I got you now." She wiggled and wormed in my arms in an ill attempt to escape. This, she wasn't going to win; not like the track.

"This isn't fair," she cooed half laughed. "You over power me by like…a lot."

"That's what you get for taking a cheap shot. It's just like the track, no cheap stuff right," I told her. She went limp in my arms and I didn't make any motion of letting go. We stood there just watching the life around us. There were a shit ton of people out here tonight, obviously due to the holiday.

Eventually I took her over to the ledge of the dock and we watched the waves roll in from the open sea. It was relaxing and Bella seemed to be enjoying it immensely which only made the moment the best part of the day.

Thanksgiving passed with laughs and hugs and smiles. I don't know if I have ever seen us all happy at the same time. Charlie was warming up to me, Renee as well and they were fitting into our family perfectly. Esme and Carlisle were excited to have us all together and I was thrilled to have everything out in the open. I didn't like keeping things from our nominal parents; they have been nothing but good to us. They deserved to know what was going on in our lives. They did help us get to this point by being great parents and sending us all to college. If it weren't for that Emmett and Jasper may have never met Rose and Alice and Bella and I would have never been reunited. My throat swelled when that thought crossed my mind. She would be pregnant by some other ass hole and I would still be sleeping with random woman just to keep myself sane. That would be a miserable life and I had to thank Carlisle and Esme for sending us to San Diego before we left.

I found Carlisle in his study and I took the moment to do just that. "Hey," I knocked before I entered and he waved his hand behind him for me to enter. "You got a minute?"

"Yeah, give me just a second and you'll have my undivided attention." He had his reading glasses on, resting on the bridge of his nose and he was balls deep in a large book. After a minute or so passed he looked up and shut the book with a thump. "What can I do for you Edward?"

While he pulled his glasses off I sat down in the chair opposite his desk. "I wanted to say thanks for…well everything. You've been really supportive and I feel like I haven't thanked you enough." I suppressed a nervous chuckle and ran my hand through my hair.

"You don't have to thank us Edward, we knew the responsibility we were taking on when we brought you here those years ago. They were great years weren't they?" he looked to be remembering the time. I remembered it all too well, but I suppose I remembered the parts that weren't that great.

* * *

"What about your car?" Lauren asked with a seductive smile on her face, showing her perfect white, now braces free, teeth. Her finger ran down my lips and traced down my chest. Her finger popped at my waist line and she cocked her head.

"Oh fuck no. I don't do that shit in my car. We'll have to take yours or make do with the outside." I just got my Volvo, I wasn't about to put stains in the interior so soon. Her lips pierced but we both knew we would be taking her car.

I had just gotten Lauren's pants off and was getting the condom out of my wallet when headlights flashed through the back window and the gravel right outside crunched when the car came to a standstill. Lauren struggled to get her pants back on but before she could the door opened and there was a flash light sweeping through all the windows.

"Chicago PD," a deep voice carried through the crack in the passenger side window. "Show me your hands," the same voice ordered.

I couldn't make him out because the light was shinning straight in my face, blinding me momentarily. When he put it to the side and the white blotch in front of my eyes dissipated, I could see it was Ranger Jerry, whom I have quite the history with.

"Cullen?" He peeked in the window, coming close to make out who was beyond it, me and Lauren. "Who's the lucky lady this time 'round?" He asked with a smug smile.

"Lauren," Lauren called from behind me, "Lauren Mallory."

"Well, Lauren Mallory, we can give your parents a call first," he knocked his light against the glass, gesturing for us to unlock it and open the door. Jerry called Lauren's parents and then mine. Lauren was to drive straight home and make no stops. Jerry was taking me home, what a nice fucking guy.

"You're such a cock blocker," I muttered from behind the bullet proof glass that divided us.

"You're such a punk-wannabe," he replied with confidence. "When are you going to grow up Cullen? You break those girls' hearts, do you even care?"

I put my nose up and looked out the window, my hands cuffed behind my back, snuggly placed in the groove behind my back intended only for that purpose. We pulled up to my house and all the lights were off except the light in Carlisle's study.

Carlisle did not scold me on this occasion; instead he showed me pictures of him and Esme when they were in high school and then more of them in college. They were happy, always smiling. This was the time he told me about how they met and how they grew to love each other after only one meeting. They have been together ever since. I wasn't sure at the time why he told me that. The only thing I could think of at the time was to punish me. He knew about Bella, he knew how fucked I was after I knew she was gone from my life forever.

****************

Looking back now, I know exactly why he told me that story. I was headed toward a lonely life and Carlisle was trying to steer me away from it. Ever since Carlisle and Esme adopted me they both have done nothing but try to steer me in the right direction. They never judged me, never told me I would never amount to anything like so many others did. They believed in me and now, for the first time in a long time, I believe in myself.

"Let me show you something Edward," Carlisle reached into a drawer and pulled out something wrapped in cloth. "I have had this for over 15 years." He laid it out on his desk and unraveled it revealing what was inside.

"What is it?" I asked scooting the chair closer to the desk so I could get a good look at it.

"This," he held it up to the light, "Is a shell Esme picked up on the beach the night we met. She held onto it while we walked down the beach and talked, twirling it around her fingers in a nervous habit. When we got back to our group of people she dropped it and ran to her friend who was waving her arms asking where she'd been. I picked it up and put it in the pocket of my swimming trunks. I wanted a reminder of that day because it was the best day of my life."

I locked eyes with him for a moment, all his honesty was there. Carlisle never hid anything. "Pay attention to the little things, the things that other people don't notice. Keep the things that are worth nothing but at the same time are priceless," he held the shell up between us, "Like this shell. To someone else, it is one of a million…to me it is the only one of its kind." He sat it back on the napkin, wrapped it up and placed it back in his desk.

_**BPOV**_

Being home was so relieving. No more confessions, no eyes watching our every move. Home is definitely where the heart is. We got a routine down, every morning I made breakfast for us, even though Edward didn't have a job, yet, he still got up with me. I went to work and Edward looked for work. When I got off work, Edward stopped his search and was usually home before me or very shortly after. Edward would make us sandwiches, because that was all I would allow, and we would sit on the couch, me laying in his lap, or my feet in his lap while he rubbed them. Edward is definitely a good man and will be such a great father.

We heard the baby's heart beat at three and a half months, which was right after we got back from Chicago. Christmas was fun for the first time in a long time. Ethan was the highlight of Christmas for everyone. Emmett demonstrated how to tear the wrapping paper off the presents only once and Ethan had it down to an art, like he'd been doing right out of the womb.

During our 14 week appointment our doctor mentioned midwives. I never considered it until she explained it thoroughly to us. A midwife is someone who helps you stay healthy, is trained in emergencies and trained to know when a situation is bad enough that you need medical attention. A midwife helps you during your pregnancy to lift off some of the stress and pressure. A midwife is someone who can help care for baby and mother after the birth and help you cope with postpartum depression. A midwife is definitely someone I wanted around because our baby has to be healthy. Our baby, she, as Edward predetermined, deserves the best start to life.

Our doctor recommended a few and we met up with the first one, Kate. She was wonderful, happy and talkative. That was the only thing that steered me away from her. Too talkative.

Then we met with the next and she was just our type. She was beautiful, that wasn't hard to miss, but she was smart and experienced. She didn't talk too much and she had a sense of humor. Even the first thing she said to us had me chuckling.

"Hi, the hospital says good things about you," I told her which I was sure she already knew.

"Oh, I tell them to say that," she giggled, "I don't know why they listen to me," she joked. Edward and I laughed and decided we liked her. She seemed easy to be around and very professional but not uptight. I wanted someone I could relate to, or at least be comfortable around, and Tanya was definitely it.

* * *

_**Oh snap....there's a twist I don't know if anyone saw coming. Next chapter or so covers the pregnancy and then we will be off to other things. I will say this is first bad then there will be good and then bad and then good again. Haha, I'm sorry but that's all I can give you at this moment in time. I've already jumped ahead and written the last chapter...I didn't mean to but it sort of came out. I had an idea for a one shot and then it just ended up being the last installment of this story. Worked out great I think. I will have to do some tweeking to make it what I had planned out but it will definitely work. Saves me some time on writing it. **_

_**So I bought my first Twilight related merchandise today. I bought an Edward shirt with just his face on it and it says New Moon and I bought a shirt that says I kissed a vampire and I liked it. I also bought an Edward key chain that also came with a Cullen crest key chain...all from Walmart, cant beat their prices. I'm going to wear my Edward shirt to the New Moon release party on Friday night. I have to see the seven minutes of Eclipse...I cannot wait until June ahhh..**_

_**I know I was late on updating but I studied my heart out for my Economics final all day. Now, 5:15 in the morning I am posting for all you lovely readers. Thank you for sticking around and following me on this crazy journey. Luck for us the updates didn't really stop and Friday is last day of classes. I can't wait to get back to the writing board haha. **_

_**Thank you to Scrimmy, my brown leprechaun....I will be sending you a chapter soon I really hope so. Thank you to my readers who have given me over 500 reviews, you guys make me smile like you wouldn't believe. I have never really been good at anything so I am thrilled that you are liking what I'm writing...Kisses to you all!!! (from Edward if you prefer) (Or Jacob if that's your thing lol jk I love Jake)**_

_**Please leave me sum luv....lil' button just below**_

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	23. While You Were Sleeping

**While You Were Sleeping**

_**BPOV**_

Being 22 weeks pregnant I feel like a blowfish. Every part of me has filled out, not immensely but enough for anyone to notice. My cheeks are fuller, my arms and my legs more curvy and my butt a freaking punching bag; at least, that's what Edward had called it once. I was expecting my boobs to get bigger—looking forward to it actually, but of course they stayed the same.

I ate regularly but not an overabundance of food. I can't even look at anything green or that includes the word beans. The smell of onions is an instant puking mechanism and peanut butter is my new best friend—don't tell Alice. Peanut butter and red apples, yum.

Edward is always here to help me, or run to the store at two in the morning. He never seems irritated or overwhelmed even though he's looking for a job and failing to find one. I try to tell him not to worry about it because I'm not worried. I make enough and will still be working for another 15 weeks or so. He _will_ find a job. Besides, that was the least of my worries.

Tanya spent every day with me, and it wasn't always time she was being paid for. She always arrived at six, which was when I woke up for work and she would make me a pregnancy worthy breakfast. Most mornings Edward woke up with me and she would make him something too. I go to work and Tanya usually leaves at the same time unless she's still cleaning up the dishes. When I get home she is either there already or pulling up behind me. One day we stretch, another we walk, the next we bend and we drink a lot of water. She and I have a really great relationship, as do her and Edward. They're always teasing each other and I thought it was funny at first, until I started to notice the way Tanya looks at Edward.

30 weeks, I just got off work and received a text from Edward asking when I would be home. I answered him saying I was on my way so 15 minutes. Even being as pregnant as I am and having hormones that are on the fritz, I still didn't expect what came to mind to come. I don't feel comfortable in anything I own and I don't like the way my body has transformed in the least. I feel like Edward doesn't like it either even though he tells me all the time that he does. I can't help but think he says it just to make me feel better or because he feels like he's supposed to. I've gained a total of 30 pounds since being pregnant and Tanya is a beautiful, thin woman that's always strutting around our apartment.

Sometimes I think I see him watching her as she cleans or cooks but it always seems to be my eyes playing tricks on me. He's usually looking at the TV or trying to read the clock on the wall. The clock is one without numbers but lines to represent them and Edward has a hard time with it.

I pulled up to the house and my vision zeroed in on Tanya's car. I noticed the couple of leaves on the hood and the pile blown up against the tires. I couldn't help but wonder how long she'd been in my apartment with Edward and my heart leapt into my throat at the thought of what they could do with time alone. My hands were so tight against the steering wheel that my knuckles were white before I loosened my grip. I haven't driven on the track in months and I never bought that track car. I almost did, but before I could I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't willing to risk my baby's life by going faster than the legal speed limit. Even though it was me driving and I knew there would be no danger, I thought about the other drivers on the road and you can never be too sure.

I used those thoughts to help me out of the car and trudge my way up the stairs. I was afraid to know why Tanya was here. If I'm being honest with myself, I'm afraid to find out that it's why I think she's here.

I put my key in the lock but it was already unlocked so I went in and heard nothing but silence. I walked straight through to the dark living room only to find it empty. I didn't bother with taking my coat off or setting my purse down, I mechanically went to our bedroom, my bedroom. I finally got the courage to open it and thank you to any higher power that's listening, the room was vacant.

I let out a throaty sigh and checked the bathroom just to be safe and then headed to Rose's old room—the study. It was empty too. The last room to check was Alice's room, the room we plan on turning into the baby's nursery. I started to feel the heat behind my eyes and the tightening of my esophagus as my hand hovered over the door handle. It was shut and I could hear nothing coming from the other side. I hesitated a moment longer then opened the door.

_**EPOV**_

Hearing our baby's heart beat and seeing the black and white ultrasound picture are two things I will never forget. Ten fingers, ten toes and nothing between the legs just as I knew there wouldn't be. I told Bella, everyone that she would be a girl because something just felt right about it. Alice is only a week further along than Bella and they spend a lot of time together. I spend most of my days looking for work but to no avail. All the sought after positions that I am qualified for are taken and have been for years.

So Bella continued to work fulltime even though I thought she should slow down. Up until Tanya came into our lives Bella did continue on with her life as if nothing had changed.

Tanya takes a lot of the stress away from Bella which thrills me inside and out. She wouldn't listen to me when I told her she should take it easy but she listened to Tanya. I could give a shit less who she listens to as long as she listens.

Tanya and I have been scheming behind Bella's back for weeks now, she hasn't suspected a thing. We always do it while she's at work and keep all the evidence at her place. It feels wrong to be hiding something of this magnitude from my Bella but it would cause her unnecessary worry.

"Edwardo, I think I found something else," Tanya called for me in the Babies-R-Us super center. I never knew one existed until Tanya informed me. "Look, it'll work for both genders, its pastel."

I looked at the random piece of fabric in her hands and racked my brain for what the hell it could be. "What the hell is it?" I asked, because I was coming up with nothing.

"It's a sling, it makes it easier to do household chores or walk. It lessens the strain on your back and arms see," she unraveled it and held it up. "It goes around your should like this and the baby lays in here…kind of like a hammock," she demonstrated.

I cocked my head to the side and nodded my understanding and she removed the…sling? "Can I ask you something?"

She looked up at me and nodded, "Yeah, of course. What's on your mind?" she was suddenly really interested in what I had to say. Her eyes seemed to penetrate through me and I was suddenly uncomfortable with the amount of space between us. I shifted my weight to my left foot—putting another inch or two between us—and put together the question in my head.

I'd been playing around with the idea of marriage for a while now. The things I know are certain, that I love Bella. I only want to be with Bella for the rest of my life and that I want our baby to share my last name. I want us all to have the same last name and I want Bella to _belong_ to me in some tangible way. I needed a woman's view of the situation and Tanya has gotten to know Bella rather well.

"What are your views on marriage after progeny?"

She looked at me stupidly, "Progeny? Really Edwardo, you can't just say kids or children, you have to say progeny?"

I didn't respond but waited for her answer. "Well, I think it's important but this is a new time, a lot of people don't even get married at all."

"Let me rephrase the question," she didn't give me what I was looking for so I tried again, "How important do you think it is to Bella?" That's what I really wanted to know.

She diverted her eyes back to the rack in front of her and fingered the onsis hanging in a row. "I think that doesn't care if you're married or not. I think the only thing that matters is that she has you."

I contemplated that, "Do you think she would rather it be that way though?"

She walked around the rack to another that held sleeping attire and little booties. "I think you should ask her because I haven't the slightest clue." She walked off then to another section and I headed over to the cribs. Our baby was going to have the best of everything, and that includes her sleeping quarters.

I didn't bring up marriage with Tanya again because she seemed uninterested when I asked her about it. I've only known her for a little over 7 months so I guess really maybe the conversation was a little too soon.

After we paid for the items Tanya went to her place to retrieve the other stuff we'd bought over the last few weeks. I returned home with the new items and got everything inside and started the crib before Tanya met me there. I sent Bella a message when she got off work to see how long we have until she would be home.

We set up the room according to Tanya's instructions and Bella's requests, just before she was due to arrive home. We heard the front door open and we stayed perfectly still, not to make a noise. We listened as she opened door after door until she came to the right one. She lingered there and I wasn't sure why but soon enough the door handle turned and reveled the newly set up nursery.

Her expression at first worried me, it pained me in a way I didn't think possible. I felt a twinge of sadness myself until the moment her eyes lit up and she smiled the most breathtaking smile I have ever seen grace her face.

"Surprise," Tanya went to her and hugged her tight, "What do you think?"

Bella just looked around the room, awestruck and speechless, just like I'd hoped she would be. Her eyes fell on me and something was definitely bothering her. Her expression fell in the same moment and her eyes filled with tears. She came to me, disregarding Tanya completely and I pulled her into my arms.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I rubbed her head and she sobbed against my chest. "You don't like it?"

"No," she sniffled, "I love it, it's beautiful."

"Why are you crying then?" I wasn't expecting this, something quite the opposite actually.

"I just…I don't know, maybe it's the pregnancy. How did you do this?"

"I didn't do it alone," I glanced over at Tanya and Bella shifted in my arms to follow my gaze. Tanya waved.

"You helped," Bella asked with a sniffle.

Tanya smiled coolly, "Yeah, I was happy to do it." Bella left my arms only to end up in Tanya's and they both laughed as they hugged. Tanya didn't take her eyes off of me.

* * *

Week 36, Bella had what she thought to be a contraction in the middle of the night. We called Tanya and she came over right away. "Do you feel it in your lower back and your abdomen?" she asked while Bella was having another "contraction."

Tanya smiled, "its Braxton hicks, you're in the early stages of labor. You only have a month left. This is to be expected," she reassured us both.

"Will you stay?" Bella cried, "Just until morning?" I had her in my arms but I didn't blame her for wanting Tanya to stay. I wanted her to stay too.

She stayed; I set up a place for her to sleep on the couch while Bella thankfully drifted off to slumber. I hated seeing her in any kind of distress, especially when there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't like her being vulnerable, it weakened me and made me that much more protective of her.

I stayed up a while, taking to Tanya, she's easy to talk to and a good listener. Not that there were things I needed to vent that I couldn't vent to Bella, just that I wanted to talk about it with someone else.

I ended up falling out on the chair and then was woken to Bella climbing into the chair and curling up into my arms. Honey and lilacs.

She was quiet a while but I could feel her gaze resting on me so I wasn't at all surprised when she spoke. "What are you doing out here?" Her voice was a whisper, she sounded sad.

I peeked at her through the smallest possible opening for my eyes. "I fell asleep talking to Tanya about things. Don't let it worry you," I told her; my fingers playing with a strand of her hair.

She stared into my eyes for a moment with a kind of fury I've never seen in them. She got up quickly before I could say anything and stomped back to the bedroom. I flinched when the door slam echoed behind her.

_**BPOV**_

Edward can be so irrational sometimes. What part about falling asleep in the living room next to a gorgeous woman and not in your bed with your mediocre-pregnant-girlfriend, is okay? The look Edward gave me when he said it showed that he really didn't think anything was wrong with that. I don't believe either of them would ever…I just wouldn't fall asleep in a room with any other man, especially if Edward was waiting for me in our bed.

Under the covers of our bed, I fought back tears that threatened to stain his pillow. I heard the door open and shut lightly and then there were footsteps.

"Bella," he said calmly, nervously. "Bella, I didn't mean to upset you. I feel asleep after talking to Tanya." I didn't respond.

"Please don't be mad at me." I felt his hand on the blanket over my ankle and I jerked it away quickly. "Please don't be like that, I hate seeing you upset."

I threw the blankets back so he could see me, my hormones going berserk with no hope of controlling them. "Then why do you make me be like this. Why didn't you come to bed when you started to fall asleep? Why Edward, enlighten me because I would really like to know." I probably looked like a 5 year old throwing a fit over bed time or something but I don't care.

His lips parted and he smiled, he fucking smiled. "Don't you fucking smile at me, I am irate right now." He climbed onto the bed over my legs and I pulled the blanket back, to cover my face once again. I rolled onto my side so I was facing away from him as he climbed under the covers.

His arms came to rest over me, his hand cradling my belly, "I can't wait to meet her," he whispered in my ear.

"Don't you try and woo your way out of this, I'm really hurt Edward." I tried to keep the strong edge in my voice but it was close to impossible when he is this close to me. He moved impossibly closer to me, "I know, and I never meant to hurt you. I was thinking about what Tanya and I talked about and I just fell out. I didn't mean to Bella, I only want to sleep next to you and I hope you know that."

He had my curiosity. I want to know what they talked about. "Oh yea, and what did you two love birds talk about?" That might have been a little over dramatic but I'm entitled to that.

"Bel-la, don't be like that. You're my only love bird," he joked and tried to nuzzle his face to my neck. I wasn't having that.

"Answer the question Edward, what did you talk about?" I couldn't hide the tone in my voice, or the tension in my back, or even the fact that I didn't—for the first time in a long time—want Edward to touch me.

He huffed and his arms left me. I could feel his movements through the bed and I knew he was hiding something. I rolled over and faced him, my face not hiding behind the blanket anymore. "What did you talk about?" I asked him again.

He propped himself up on his right elbow and kept his eyes on the sheets below. "I asked her what to expect when you do actually go into labor. I want to be prepared for anything," he said under his breath. "I asked her if your mood swings were normal and she explained to me why that is. I asked about the weight you've gained, if it is normal, not too much not too little. I also asked her if she thought I would be a good father."

It almost felt like I should be offended by him asking about my weight but I could hardly think of anything else except his last question. "Why do you worry about that?" I put my right hand up to his face and he leaned into it.

"I didn't have the greatest role model Bella, I don't want to screw this up."

"No, you had a great role model, Carlisle," I reminded him.

He smiled down at me and it melted my heart, "If I can be anything like Carlisle…well then that will be okay."

"I love you," I told him with a serious tone, he had a way at getting me to forgive him even when I really didn't want to. His expression changed to mirror my own and he told me he loved me too, more and more each day. His smile was warm and all thoughts of being angry or holding a grudge was gone. I couldn't stay mad at him even if I wanted to—my heart, body and soul would never allow it.

Tanya stayed all day even though I didn't have Braxton hicks anymore. She said she wanted to be sure before she left. I watched her more carefully now, in the way she acted and composed herself around Edward. I saw what I already knew, what I should have known all along. That she has a thing for Edward, my baby's father, my Edward. I couldn't really blame her, but she's my midwife. She should be able to keep her feelings to herself.

I also saw the way he acted towards her too. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. I couldn't be sure if Edward saw it or not but I really hoped he didn't. If he did, then he was flirting with her right in front of me.

I couldn't and wouldn't believe that. I couldn't imagine Edward doing that to me; at least not while in my line of sight. I kept everything to myself, because that's what I do, and I moped around the next couple of days. My maternity leave started and I was due in a week. Tanya was around a lot more and I was beginning to notice everything. The subtle touches, the glances, the way she flipped her hair and ran her fingers through it when he spoke to her.

It was beginning to make me sick.

* * *

_**I know, it was short and I said I wouldn't do that but I had to. I'm moving and I wanted to get this out on Saturday like I said I would. What do you think of Tanya??? Biotch right? just wait and you'll see what I mean.**_

_**Next update will be Tuesday if I can manage it while moving. Thankfully school out for two weeks. I went to Walmart New Moon release party. OME was it ridiculous. I stood in line for about 2 hours just to make sure I would get the fan edition of New Moon. They had carts full of the normal DVD but only 12 boxes of the fan edition. Thankfully I got my copy. The case is so cool...much better than the original one...but either one is still way cool. I watched the 7 bonus minutes of Eclipse and was definitely disappointed. I won't say why or how much because I don't want to ruin it for anyone but ya....I could have lived without it. They had trivia questions and they asked the most ridiculous things. I haven't read the books in almost a year so I couldn't answer them, I was a little upset about that. I feel like I need to read them again. I'm not going to though because that will cut into my writing time and we can't have that.**_

_**Thank you all for your reviews...I'm sorry if I'm losing you but this story has a few more twists...I think you'll appreciate it later. Thank you to Scrimmy....much love to you. **_

_**You know what to do....lil' button just below**_

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	24. Some Kind of Wonderful

**23. Some Kind of Wonderful**

_**EPOV**_

Bella continued to work and I continued to look for work. I refuse to be unemployed when our daughter is born. I doubled up my searching and lowered my standards, not too low but it helped. Thirty-four weeks in, I snagged a job at Lulu's Piano Bar battling pianos with four other people four hours a night, 7 days a week.

I wowed the owner with the one and only song I ever wrote, well, at least completed. She actually knew of the song and was more than willing to give me the spot. She even raised my weekly pay which only further sold me on the position. I was fucking relieved, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe again. I couldn't wait to get home and tell Bella.

Of course, she wasn't there. Tanya has her on this daily routine. She says Bella will thank her for it later and so will I. Bella is beautiful and will always be beautiful no matter what happens to her figure. I don't love her because her curves are mesmerizing or that every part of her body catches my attention. Not that those qualities aren't great, but I love Bella because of the wonderful creature that she is. Her loving nature and her sassy side drive me crazy.

So I sat on the couch, adrenaline pumping and heart pounding, and waited for her to return home. Keeping still was a very hard thing to accomplish. So much that I got up and walked around the kitchen a few times. I walked down the hall after I'd seen enough of the kitchen, and during my third pass back toward the bedrooms, my phone went off on the coffee table. I spun around so fast that my foot caught on the throw rug beneath me and slipped on the hardwood floor. I managed to keep my balance and rushed to the phone. It was Bella.

Hey, I'm going to grab something to eat. Do you want something?-B

I want you and nothing else.-E

Be serious Edward.-B

I am being very serious.-E

I'll be home in a few.-B

I sat my phone back down on the coffee table and continued my path down the hall and back. I was elated to be able to provide for my family again. Even though it isn't the greatest of jobs I am qualified to do, at least I'll be able to do something that I quite enjoy. I'd forgotten how much until I played for Mr. and Mrs. Webber just hours ago. I couldn't wait to share the news with Bella.

I heard the door open 10 minutes later and it didn't dawn on me that there was no way she could have made it here that fast no matter where she was getting food. I pushed myself up against the wall and listened to her footsteps as she came closer. When they were just where I needed them to be I lunged out at her through the darkness and took her into my arms. I realized instantly that the person in my arms was not my Bella and moved away quickly.

I flipped the hall light on and saw Tanya smiling. It wasn't a smile I'd seen before on her face but I had definitely seen it before. "I'm sorry, I thought you were Bella."

"Its okay, could have been anyone's mistake." She didn't look away from me and I couldn't look at her for long. A feeling like I was somehow betraying Bella by doing it—It felt too personal—washed over me. We stood there, in front of each other, for a moment; her looking at me and me looking anywhere but at her.

It was odd being in this situation. I've been here many times before but not with the feeling that I have now. "Edward," Tanya said in a heavy tone. It confused me and I looked down only to see her covertly lick her bottom lip.

I knew that all too well, "No Tanya," was all that came out.

"I won't say anything, it can be our secret." She moved closer to me and I backed away only to hit the wall behind me. I was stunned into a numb like state. Tanya is Bella's midwife, isn't there some unspoken law about this kind of thing. How can she be so deceitful? "I've wanted this since I first saw you in the hospital. I've spent so much time here because I had to see you. I needed to be…"

I interrupted her there, the situation was awkward as fuck and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. "Tanya, I love Bella and unlike you, I would never and will never fucking hurt her. How can you be so conniving?" I asked her serious as a fucking heart attack.

"I can't help the way I feel, I have to try," she said solemnly and then the door creaked. My head snapped away from Tanya's creepy gaze and looked in the direction of the door. I saw Bella through the crack and her mouth was formed in a small O; which, honestly, didn't surprise me at all.

I couldn't speak, but I didn't have to. Bella pushed the door open, it hit the door jam and flew back toward her. She caught it with her hand before it hit her and she was livid. "Get the fuck out of my house," she said, "How could you?"

I wasn't sure if she was talking to me but I had to do something. "Bella, this is not what it looks like." I defended.

"I'm not talking to you Edward," she looked directly at Tanya. "How could you?" She asked again. "I trusted you…I trusted you with my child and you're trying to fuck her father. Get out," she yelled. I've never heard her yell before, even better, I've never seen her so pissed like this either.

Tanya dropped the bags she had in her hands and she walked toward the door that Bella was still holding in front of her.

"I'm sorry Bella. I never meant for anything like this to happen."

"No you're fucking not, you're a whore. Get out," she said once again and Tanya didn't argue. She left without looking back and Bella slammed the door the moment she was out of it. I wasn't sure if she was angry with me but I really hoped she wasn't. "Bella, I swear I didn't do anything. She came on to me and I told her I wasn't interested."

Her eyes were tear stained and she let out a light cry. Her head fell into her left hand and she braced herself with the right hand against the wall.

"Are you okay? Bella, are you okay?" I reached out to her and the moment we connected her knees buckled beneath her. I grabbed at her arm and she slid right between my fingers. She fell to the floor and gasped as she hit. "Fuck Bella."

I got down on her level and she had her arms cradling our baby, "Is she okay?" I asked laced with worry.

"I'm sorry Edward," she cried. "I didn't mean to," she continued. I helped her off the floor and carried her to the couch. The moment I sat her down she let out a high pitch scream that was not helpful in calming my worries.

"What is it? Tell me please," I begged her.

"Take me to the hospital now," she half screamed, bowed over, holding her belly.

_**BPOV**_

I never would have expected Tanya to do what she did. That's actually a lie, that is exactly what I expected her to do, but I didn't think she would actually do it. I grew to close to her over the months that she was a part of our lives. I even confided in her, things about Edward, personal things that probably only intensified her feelings. I was feeding her ammunition and I wasn't even aware I was doing it.

When I first saw them, Edward was standing in front of her looking down into her eyes. At first glance I thought I saw Edward about to kiss her. A weird, almost painful shock ran through me and that's when I heard Edward speak.

"No Tanya."

Instead of rushing through the door and assuming the worst, I stayed still and watched attentively. Tanya proceeded to tell Edward that she wouldn't say anything to me, that her sole plan was to steal him away from me. Her whole reason for doing all that she did for me was only to get closer to Edward.

"Unlike you, I would never and will never fucking hurt her. How can you be so conniving?" he growled at her.

My blood was boiling and the sound created a kind of impenetrable bubble around me. I trusted her. I trusted her with my feelings, my baby and I trusted that she wouldn't try to take the one of two things in my life that hold meaning. How could she do this? I felt so betrayed by someone I thought had become my friend.

Something snapped inside me, fury, rage I don't know but I went through the door with determination. I haven't screamed in a long time, probably since after the first time I saw Edward. When I got home from Tampa, I drove out to Tukwila to the dunes and let all of my frustrations and pain out into the air that stretched out before me. This screaming was a different thing all together.

After I slammed the door behind her I started to feel dizzy, the walls seemed to be spinning and I barely heard Edwards defense. I put my hand out and surprisingly found the wall. Bracing myself and trying to keep conscious I felt the light hum of his touch and I was out.

"Fuck Bella," I was on the floor. My arms wrapped protectively around my belly. Edward was persistent at my ear.

"I'm sorry," was all I could say. "I didn't mean to," I didn't mean to fall. I didn't mean to get so upset that I would black out and possibly injure our daughter. I didn't know about the pain until Edward sat me down on the couch.

It was intense, and throughout my entire abdomen. This scream was pain and fright, nothing more nothing less. Edward rushed me to the hospital and the nurses had me in a room in record time. The same wires and monitors I saw when I was here for Rose were placed around my belly. The same beeping rhythm was there and it accelerated alerting me of the coming pain. I felt for Rose even more now, this kind of pain is inhumane. The pain is something that can never be explained, it has to be felt first hand.

Edward called Rose and Alice, they were all on their way. I didn't want them to come and find out about my fall. I didn't want them to be here and witness my misery, the feeling that I might have done something terrible. Got so angry about Tanya and risked the life of our baby. I didn't say anything though, it was better to keep a positive look on things. I refuse to think anything other than she will be fine.

"So," the doctor came in with a clipboard, "you had a fall?" he asked.

"Yes, I blacked out."

"Did something trigger it? What brought it on?"

"I was mad, screaming actually, and once I started to calm down everything got fuzzy and I passed out," I explained.

"Stress," the doctor commented. "Okay, lets check your vitals." He hmmd and haaad and checked the monitors that were monitoring the baby. I wanted to know what they meant, I needed to know that she was okay.

"So everything looks good, the baby's heart beat is good, a little high but nothing to worry about. She seems to be relaxed." The beeping on the monitor started to come quicker and he walked back to it, holding up the paper that was spitting out the read.

Edward's hand wrapped around mine and he leaned in to me, just like we've practiced since twelve weeks. "Here it comes love, breath," he recited. His other hand was at my head, rubbing light circles in my hair. At the peak of the pain I was taking quick breaths and squeezing Edward's hand with all of my might. The force of my hand around his didn't seem to affect him at all, he just continued to breath with me, "Slow and steady," he breathed.

"Okay, it's going down," he informed me softly. My lips were trembling, my palms both sweaty. I didn't want drugs for this, but I was leaning closer and closer to it after each round of contractions.

"It looks like they're about three minutes apart. I need to check how far dilated you are, we might be there." The doctor did his thing and said I was dilated to eight. "Another half hour maybe less and I'll be back. There will be a nurse through in a few to see if there's anything you need. Nothing to eat, but you can have ice chips if you'd like that."

I nodded. Ice chips sounded divine.

He left the room with one last look at my monitor, and Edward smiled widely. "Wow, a half hour Bella," he said excitedly.

"Don't remind me," I breathed. Another half hour of this and I might not be able to do it. It was exhausting and painful and just overbearing.

The telephone next to my bed rang and Edward reached over to grab it. "Hello. Yeah send them in. Alice and Jasper are here." He informed me as he returned the phone to its receiver and a tear fell down my cheek. "What's wrong? Does it hurt?" he asked.

"Fuck yeah," I whined. "But not right now," only with the beeping.

There was a light knock on the door before it opened and a very pregnant Alice came waddling through it. "Of course _you_ get to go early," she teased, "And _I_ have to wait." She wrapped her arms around me at the same moment the beeping started.

I breathed my way through another contraction, and another and another. I asked Edward for drugs once and he asked me to try, and I did. When I finally decided I wasn't going to try anymore, the nurse informed me that I was too far to get it now. She gave me something to dull the pain, which it did but not enough to make a difference.

Rose and Emmett arrived and the doctor came in shortly after. "Let's take a look see," he said and look see he did. "Alright, you're at a ten," he informed us and that's when all the commotion started. Two very long, agonizing hours later, our baby was born and she was healthy. I got to hold her almost instantly and she fit so perfect into my arms; like the position was only there to accommodate her. I never wanted to let her go, but I had to when it came time for cleaning.

Edward took her with a new kind of grin etched on his face. It tugged at my heart and my breath hitched when I saw him touch the tip of his nose to hers. "Daddy loves you gorgeous," he cooed to her before he handed her off to the nurse.

Another nurse helped me clean up and forty-five minutes went by without my daughter in my sight. I was starting to hyperventilate. "What's taking them so long?" I asked, looking to Edward for the answer.

The nurse that was off in the corner restocking the cabinet replied, "They'll be bringing her back in a few; there's a lot to do when you come into the world."

As if on cue there was a knock on the door, and in rolled the heated bassinet. In the center, sleeping soundly was our daughter.

"She's been doing great. We had to poke her a few times and she fell asleep." The nurse positioned the bassinet at my bedside and instantly I reached in to lightly trace my finger over her rosy cheeks. "Congratulations," she said before she left the room.

The phone rang and Edward answered it. I didn't hear a word he said because all of my attention was on our baby snoring soundly beside me. The light skin was all me, but the bronze, thick, wild hair was all Edward. Her uneven lips were me, and the crooked smile I could make out when she moved in her sleep was a hundred percent her fathers.

"Bella," Edward broke my concentration. "That was Jasper, Alice's water broke and they're on their way here," he said improbably. I was speechless; lost in the moment; lost in Edwards stare and the feel of the little hand wrapped around my pinky finger.

_**EPOV**_

Had the scare of my life over six hours ago. Now, two-thirty in the morning, holding my daughter in my arms is so surreal. I could see Bella in her chocolate eyes and me in her wild hair. She moved her little body lethargically every time I or Bella spoke. Everyone left shortly after she was born—none of the grandparents had made their appearances by this point—with promises to return later in the day.

I had to hand our daughter to one of the nurses who took her to give her immunizations and a bath. Another nurse took Bella into the bathroom to clean her up as well, leaving me sitting by myself. I laid down on the couch provided for overnight guests and closed my eyes. I wanted to sleep, at least a quick snooze before Bella and our daughter returned. I needed it so I could function. I didn't intend to miss any part of our daughters first day in the world. But my mind wasn't going to stop, it continued to spin and contort everything because of my sleep deprivation.

Bella came out and shuffled her way to the bed with the help of a nurse and I went to her side. Once the nurse was gone I laid next to her on the single bed.

"So, what should we name her?" she asked after a few minutes of silence went by. I was so close to unconsciousness that I almost didn't answer her.

"Do you have anything in mind?" I answered groggily. My brain wasn't working properly.

"I don't know, I was playing around with Renee and Esme. I thought we could try and combine the two." That sparked my interest.

"Have you come up with anything?"

"I don't know. It sounds a little funny, but maybe it could be a middle name," she avoided telling me.

"What about Elizabeth that was my mother's name?"

"Ahh, Emilee Elizabeth," I wasn't expecting the expression on her face, but there it was. "It's beautiful." She tested the two together a few times, "What about her last name? Yours or mine?" she asked.

This I had thought about. This I was sure I wanted. I wanted Bella to be my wife, to share my last name. The last name that I adopted myself and could never be more proud of. Bella is definitely the one for life, the one I will fight to keep and hold onto forever. I will never make the mistake of leaving her side again. That I was also very sure of.

"Well, I was hoping for us to all share the same last name, but if you have something else in mind I'm all ears." I told her but held my breath for her response. I'd never said any of this out loud, this is the first.

"How so?" she pushed.

Of course she would make me say it out loud, "Someday I hope to make you my wife Bella, and I hope you'll adopt my name like I did." I never intended to talk about it until I asked her the question.

She smiled a smile I have only seen twice. I know this because I, of all people, pay close attention to the dynamics of Bella. I notice every subtle change and every move she makes. Not so much in a stalker way like it sounds, but more of an adoring healthy obsession.

"You do?" she said with tears in her eyes. "You want me forever?" she questioned. "Forever, as in, I'm it. No one else for the rest of your life?" she rambled on.

"I don't want anyone else but you Bella, I just wish that you would believe me," I pleaded softly.

"I believe you," her hand wound around mine and she let out a ragged breath. "I believe you."

Alice was brought in due to her water breaking and Bella, Emilee and I went to her room the moment we were notified. She looked just like Bella did just hours prior. "You know, if Alice has her baby in 16 hours they'll have the same birthday," Bella informed me as I pushed her and our daughter down the hall in a wheelchair. "I hope she does."

Bella never looked up from our beautiful baby but who could blame her, I wanted to look too.

We found the room and entered with a knock. I wheeled Bella in, all the way up to Alice's bedside. Charlie and Renee entered the room just after we did. "Ohh," Renee cooed as she took in her two daughters in hospital gowns. She hugged a withering Alice and then ran around the bed until she was next to Bella. "Hey," she said before she looked up at me. "Come here," she held her arms out toward me and I returned it with a quick tight hug. Her attention was turned back to Bella and she begged to hold her new-first granddaughter.

Bella handed her over and Renee rocked and cooed in Emilee's face. Lucky for her, she was sleeping. She didn't have to suffer through all the greetings. Charlie talked to Alice in a reassuring tone until he looked up and saw Renee cradling our daughter in her arms.

"Oh, now is that my granddaughter," he asked looking at me for the answer.

"Sure is, Emilee Elizabeth," I informed him.

"Emilee huh," he made way around the bed until he was looking at her over Renee's shoulder. "Wow, shes' beautiful," he commented. "Has your eyes Bells."

"And Edwards hair," she told him.

Charlie looked up at me with only his eyes then back down at Emilee, who was still sleeping soundly. "She sure does, that mop could only come from Edward." He smiled a cheeky smile and forced his pointer finger into Emilee's little closed fist.

Rose came in suddenly and appeared at Alice's side. "How far are they apart?" she asked.

"About four minutes," Alice replied lethargically.

"Okay, hold on just a little longer. Em is at the airport with Ethan picking up Carlisle and Esme. They shouldn't be but 30 minutes tops," she told her.

"I can't exactly control this," Alice snapped back. "If I could it would be over by now." She took a deep breath and started the breath, breath, breath exhale routine. Jasper came in with a large cup filled to the brim with ice chips.

"Here Ali," he put a wet washcloth on her forehead and put a few ice chips in her mouth. Alice kept her eyes closed and sucked on the ice while she squirmed through another contraction.

Twenty minutes later Esme came thrashing through the door with Carlisle, Emmett and Ethan right behind her. She saw Emilee first thing. "Is this her?" she asked looking at me then down at Bella sitting in the wheelchair.

"Yeah, this is your granddaughter, Emilee Elizabeth," I held her out to her and she took her in her motherly embrace.

"Emilee Elizabeth," she looked up at me with a smile, "Your mother's name. It's beautiful." Then she returned her gaze to Emilee who was sound asleep in her arms. The monitor went on the fritz and everyone looked up at it. Esme handed Emilee back to me. "We'll have time to get to know each other later," she cooed to her and rubbed her nose along her cheek causing Emilee to smile in response. Esme got a kick out of that, then she rushed to Alice's side along with Rose, Renee, Jasper and Charlie. Carlisle came to my side.

"Can I get a look at her?" he asked.

"Of course, she is your granddaughter," I pointed out the obvious.

Carlisle accepted her into his stiff arms and held her with delectation. 12 hours later Alice and Jasper were blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby boy. His eyes were already that emerald green that mirrored his mothers and he had Jaspers wicked grin. Bailey was born 15 minutes to midnight, same day as his cousin Emilee.

* * *

_**Alright, so not quiet at frequent updated as I'd initially hoped. I'm dying to know what you thought about Tanya....wtf was she thinking? Did she really think she could get through Bella so easily? I think not. Edward knows what it's like to live without Bella. And Bella stood up for her man...go Bella. She too knows what it's like to live without Edward...not a pretty sight for either of them. It's going to take a lot more than Tanya to get between these two. Though this is the bad I was refering to, the really good is to come....and there is a little twist in the plot but that will signify the coming end to this story....so I'm going to drag it on as long as I can manage and as long as you want to put up with haha...**_

_**Thank you all for your comments, I've been having a wonderful time reading them and hearing your thoughts on certain things. Thank you to my wonderful Beta...Scrimmy...you are amazing as always...Moving is just about complete so hopefully I can get a move on with the chapters...school starts back up on the 5th and I have classes everyday from 8am till 5:30pm...ugh...not looking forward to that. So as much as I can get done the better.**_

_**Please leave me sum luv...lil' button just below**_

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	25. Magnificent Obsession

_**A/N: Important A/N after the chapter and also a surprise POV at the end. **_

* * *

**24. Magnificent Obsession**

_**BPOV**_

After we brought Emilee home we talked a lot about marriage. We decided on something small and Alice was planning everything. That was until Jasper came over a few days before I was supposed to meet up with her to fine tune everything.

"Bella, just the person I wanted to talk to." Jasper came right in, which was fine. That's how things worked around here. We all entered and went as we pleased. Edward was in the nursery with Emilee and I was preparing dinner.

"Oh, hey Jazz, what's up?" I was a little confused that he wanted to see me, usually it would be Edward he was after.

"I have a favor to ask you? Alice is planning your wedding and I was wondering if you would be completely opposed to having a double wedding."

My mouth dropped, his expression changed and I think the whole—just come out and say it—plan seemed to be the wrong way to go. Really, that wasn't at all why I was awestruck.

"You're really going to do it, I mean get married?" Alice has always been so sure that he would never go through with it. His past is always making his decisions for him. Just like mine used to make for me.

"Yeah," he ran his hand through his hair nervously. Probably something he subconsciously picked up from living with Edward all through his adolescent years. "We've been engaged long enough haven't we?"

"That's a given," I replied sarcastically. "What made you decide now?" The universe shifted and suddenly, Jasper was the "patient" and I was the one "holding the degree". I wondered, idly, how often it's happened to him and came to the conclusion that this was probably the first.

"Things are happening, we have a baby now and it only seems right to take the next step." He seemed to be more contemplative than talking to me, like he was treating me as a mirror more than anything else. "I love Alice, I can't imagine ever being with someone else so it's only logical…" he trailed off with his fingers rubbing and producing ridges in his forehead.

"Jasper," I snapped and he ignored me. "Jasper," I said louder this time and slammed the cheese grader I had in my hand onto the cutting board in front of me. He spun around and glared at my hands leaving the grader. His eyes shot up to mine in surprise. "You love her?" I said the obvious but it came out as more of a question. He nodded. "Then what's the hold up, be like Nike and just do it." The old saying has never left my memory.

A smile crossed his face and he turned to exit the kitchen but stopped before he was completely out of my sight. "Is it a go then?" he asked energetically.

"Yes it's a go. Go, go," I shooed him away and he darted out of my sight. I smiled thinking of Alice's face when he told her. She was going to be absolutely thrilled beyond words.

Edward appeared around the corner with a confused expression and holding Emilee against his chest; just a month old. "What got into him?" he asked.

"He's going to marry Alice," I replied simply, returning to my previous task of shredding the cheese for our tator tot casserole dinner.

He sat down at the bar and rested his arms on the counter, cradling Emilee. "Hasn't that been his plan the entire time?" It thrilled me to my core to see him so interested in our daughter and not distant like some fathers. He never looked away from her as he spoke.

I explained to him the doubts he had and how they were linked to his past. Edward saw exactly why when I brought it to his attention. He's known about Jasper's past their entire lives together. He would know better than I would.

I waited for the phone call from Alice which came just before dinner was done. She screamed through the phone and thanked me over and over again. I told her I wouldn't be happy unless we did it together. I only wished Rose and Emmett hadn't already tied the knot.

"You're okay with it right? I asked Edward after we put Emilee down for the night and got into bed.

He threw the blanket over me and took me into his arms. "I'm okay with it if you're okay with it." He nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck and exhaled heavily. "Two more weeks huh?" he asked muffled, referring to the time left that will mark six weeks after Emilee's birth. Meaning, our sex life would be taken off hold status.

I patted his arm with my hand, "Yeah, I know. Two more weeks."

I wouldn't say that I wish Tanya were here to help because I never want to see her again, but I do wish I had someone. Edward started work at Lulu's a week after we were back home from the hospital and his hours were speratic. Usually around five until early the next morning. Sometimes they would need him earlier in the day for functions and I was left to care for Emilee. I loved being home with her but soon I would be going back to work. We were leaving her with Alice, who is taking care of her own one month old. Emilee and Bailey were close already; Alice and I have their birthday parties planned all the way through middle school.

For the first time since we brought Emilee home she slept through the night. I woke up to the sun shining through our bedroom window and the spot next to me empty. I stretched out my limbs, covering as much of the over sized bed that I could. I threw on my robe and ventured out into the hallway. I didn't find Edward in the living room but in the kitchen and Emilee was in the sink. The baby bath Renee got for us was in the sink with Emilee snuggly in it. I walked up behind Edward and laced my arms around him.

"Hey, good morning," he cooed as he poured warm water over our daughters belly. She had her little hand wrapped around his thumb and her eyes squinted and her mouth pursed when the water trickled over her skin. "We made a mess with the milk, so," he smiled that goofy smile that started when Emilee was born, "we decided to clean up our mess."

I smiled in response and kissed his back, "Are you hungry daddy?" I asked and headed toward the fridge. "Eggs and bacon?"

"That would be great, wouldn't you like to have some little miss Emilee," he recited as he wrapped her up in her towel, the kind with the hood for the hair.

I chuckled, "Yeah she has a while," and sat the carton of eggs on the counter before I joined my little family in the middle of our kitchen.

_**EPOV**_

"This is really ridiculous," I growled from where my face was buried into my soon to be wife's hair. "We have lived together for over a year and a half now, I can't even remember the last time I slept in an empty bed."  
"Last week, and you can sleep with Jasper if you like," Bella offered, referring to the microscopic argument we had that landed me in the bed alone while Bella slept on the couch with Emilee. I tried like hell to get her to sleep in bed, if not with me, at least she would be in the bed. She didn't budge.

"We have a daughter, I think this tradition only pertains to people who still have their virtue and no progeny trying to crawl around at their feet." I definitely did not need a bachelor party and I especially did not want to go a whole 12 hours without Bella.

"Please do this, for me, for Jasper. He wants you to go out with him tonight." Bella was changing Emilee's diaper now, cooing to her in baby voices like she always does, and running her fingers up and down her belly causing her to giggle.

"How do you expect me to go one morning without waking up to you and Emilee?"

"It's one night out of forever Edward, we can handle that," she stuck the sides of the diaper together and picked Emilee up to rest on her arm. "Go, have fun with Jasper. It's your last night as a single eligible bachelor. No girl can have you after this. You should let them dream while they still can," she laughed a throaty laugh and I glared at her. "I'm kidding, just go."

We heard the front door open and Alice's voice carried to the nursery, "Jasper's downstairs, there's no telling him no so I suggest you get your soon to be married tush down there." The door slammed shut and we made our way to the front room. I had Bella tucked safely under my arm while Emilee was safely under Bella's free arm.

Reluctantly and against my better judgement, I leaned down and kissed my soon to be wife and also kissed my daughters cheek before I headed down stairs for what was sure to be an interesting night.

Jasper had his sunroof open and Lil Wayne bumping from the stereo. I rolled my eyes at his stereo typical bachelor attire and his loud music to go with it. I turned the radio down and looked at him seriously, his expression nothing but excitement.

"No funny shit Jazz, I'm not kidding." I cracked a smile because his persona was just comical.

"Oh bro, there is nothing funny about a bachelor party."

With that I turned the knob on the stereo and Jazz hit the gas. We were on our way to who the fuck knows where and away from the only place I wanted to be.

* * *

Emmett had three rounds of Jose Cuervo shots waiting for us when we arrived at our destination. He was all grin when he took notice to our approach. I couldn't help but notice the four women behind him leaning into each other and looking at his back. I foresaw the future of the night two days prior when Emmett suggested we do this. I wasn't looking forward to it then, but now being here and no way to get out of it, it isn't as bad as I anticipated.

"You pansy," Emmett boomed from beside me as he swatted the back of my neck. "Since when do you need a chaser? What the fuck happened to my brother?"

I choked out my answer, "We aren't 21 anymore." The heat was flowing down my throat, warming my entire body, "I don't drink like I used to. Forgive me for growing up," I added after a deep swallow of the acid like substance that lingered in my mouth.

We downed the other two shots and that's when things started to get a little hazy. At some point during our bantering the four girls that were observing when Jasper and I arrived slinked their way into our conversations. Emmett continued to be his loud obnoxious self while Jasper and I, after our brains caught up with us, kept our conversation between us. When the girls found out we were about to be married their friendly conversation died and soon they were on to the next group of unsuspecting pray. We continued our night with shots and laughs until two am came around and the bartender kicked us out.

"I called you a cab, should be out there waiting for you by now," he said as he walked with us toward the door.

"Thank you kind sir," Emmett said with an unsteady bow that nearly took us all out, bartender included. He laughed it off and disappeared into the now closed bar.

"It's fucking cold," Jasper muttered and looked out at the empty street before us. "Where's that god forsaken cabby?"

"Fuck the cabby, we have a car." Emmett slapped his back with the palm of his fist and caused him to lunge forward off of the curb and into the street.

The look on Jasper's face was priceless. "First of all…Fuck You. Second, because I don't want to get a DUI the night before my wedding."

"Fuck it," was Emmett's brilliant response.

"That is you my brother," Jasper pointed at his chest as he stepped back onto the sidewalk. He nearly fell into him, "Not me," he added in a slur.

The cab pulled around the corner and I noticed the look of disappointment on Emmett's face when the headlights flashed over us. We piled into the back seat, told the driver where we needed to go and sat back for the ride. The sooner we got to Jaspers, the sooner I could get to sleep, the sooner I could wake up and marry my Bella. Make her truly my Bella. Yeah, if I could be so lucky.

We walked, or more like stumbled down the walk toward the front door chuckling all the way. Emmett was between us with his arms resting on both our shoulders.

"This is it you guys, no more one night stands," he ruffled Jasper's hair. "No more choices, this is the final call." He proceeded to ruffle my hair as well. "You guys are going to fucking love it." His voice carried through the neighborhood before Jasper shut the door behind us. The moment I sat on the couch and let my head rest, I would have been out but Emmett had other plans.

_**BPOV**_

I didn't text Edward at all while he was out with Emmett and Jasper. I wanted him to feel like he was able to do that sort of male bonding thing without any interruption from me. I'm not at all worried because I know Edward love's me, he has picked me and why would he himself, hurt someone he chose?

Rose and Alice stayed with Ethan and Bailey and we talked until two in the morning. Esme and Renee were due to arrive at eight am to help us prepare for the day by watching their grandchildren. I fell asleep on the couch with my legs opposite Alice's and Rose was in the love chair.

When I woke up my legs were all wrapped up with Alice's and Renee was looking over me with her hands on her hips. "Are you serious right now?" She asked when my eyes opened. I had to blink a few times before I realized I was awake. "You both are getting married in eight hours and you're still sleeping?"

I felt Alice stir under me and the next thing I knew I was laying on the floor, "Ouch." I rubbed my bottom and Alice had the most frightening look all over her face. She hurried up to a standing position on the couch and held her hands over her mouth, "What time is it….exactly," she asked in a rush taking her hands away and then placing them back over her mouth.

"It's eight-fifteen. You were supposed to be ready when we got here."

"We'll be ready in five," she hopped off the couch and grabbed my hand. Once she successfully helped me off the ground, she pulled me back to the bedroom.

Alice got ready quicker than I have ever seen and she still looked sleek. I threw on a pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt and of course Alice gave me the look.

"What," I asked even though I knew why. "It's not like I'm getting married like this."

Alice sighed and gave me the once over once more and then we were finally on our way out to the hairdressers; whom is our first stop out of four. Rose tagged along because she is playing the biggest part in our wedding beside the brides and grooms themselves. We aren't having the traditional bridesmaids; we only need a maid of honor. By us getting married together is saving us the hassle of making the decision of who would be our maid of honor at our individual weddings. For that I was elated. I know who my pick would be, hands down, but I would hate to hurt Rose in the process.

Alice got an updo and I was leaving my hair down. It only took an hour to do mine but another half hour to do Alice's. The second stop was makeup which is the part I wasn't looking forward to the most. Alice had a face full of color, which completely works for her and mine was more natural; browns and tans. Our third stop was the final fitting of our dresses.

We pulled up to the park two hours before the wedding was scheduled to begin and everything was in shambles. The tables were still folded and the chairs stacked over one another. The food was still being prepared and the waiter's staff was three people short. The band hired still hadn't arrived and I could see Charlie looking at a big stain that covered the whole front part of his suit.

I looked to Alice to judge her reaction and she has her poker face on. She was scanning the scene in front of us, he lips pierced and her hands on her hips. She let out a breath and started towards the entrance.

"God, I swear if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." I followed behind her and Rose followed behind me carrying our dresses in her hands. I watched as Alice worked her magic. She eliminated three tables by changing the seating arrangement around, therefore removing the need for the three noncommittal waiters. She got some of the boys from Jasper's graduating class—who were of course in town for the wedding—to set up the tables and chairs and she gave the cooks incentive to get the food done. She offered them booze and other apparently enticing things. When she got to Charlie she just laughed and told him she hadn't imagined him looking any other way.

We were dressed and ready but still had no band, "We have no music." Alice was calm and collective but the crease between her brows gave her anxiety away. "What are we going to walk down the aisle too?"

I wasn't sure what she wanted me to say or what, if anything, would make it right; all I could come up with was what I felt. "It doesn't matter if we walk down the aisle in silence or if we crunk our happy asses down it. As long as we get to the I do's I can care less." She smiled and fluffed her dress out.

"You're right, who cares. Everything else is in shambles so why not add that to the cake." She looked at herself in the mirror and not taking her eyes from it she looked at my reflection too. "Did you ever think we would be getting married together?"

"No, I didn't think I would get married at all so this whole experience is like a hazy dream. I'm trying not to over think it until it actually happens.

"Well, prepare yourself because it's really happening."

As if on cue, Charlie walked through the door with a solemn look on his face. "You girls ready, they're getting antsy out there," his voice was shaky and his eyes looked anywhere but at us.

"We're ready," Alice answered before I could find my voice.

"Come on then, I have an arm for the both of you," he held out his arms in the traditional pose and we hurried to his side. We laced our arms through his and smiled at each other. "You are the most beautiful brides; all except for your mother."

"Aww," we said in unison. "We love you dad," Alice said as we wrapped our free arms around him.

"Yeah dad," I said hesitantly because I've never called him that. When it comes to Charlie I feel like I do have a father. Charlie is the best father a girl could ever have and I get to share him with my two sisters. So he isn't my father by blood but in every way that matters to a girl, Charlie is my dad.

His eyes watered up as he smiled down at me and, "Thank you," was all he said before he looked away. He turned and faced the exit….

This is really happening.

_**Charlie's POV**_

I've already walked one daughter down the aisle, now here I am walking the other two down the same aisle. I would be lying to whoever was listening if I said I wasn't worried about any of them. All my worries differ of course; each girl has a different weakness.

Alice was our first adopted child. She came to us from out of the blue. We had been talking about adoption a lot because in the 10 years Renee and I had been married, we had failed time and time again at conceiving a child. I was working late and received a call about domestic violence. When I arrived on the scene I was dumbfounded. The woman had her daughter held tight in front of her and she had something sharp held to her neck. The man was trying to coax the object away from her but she wasn't giving in.

Later, after the mother was taken into custody and the man taken in for questioning, we learned that he wasn't the little girl's biological father. Alice was shaking and crying when I took her into the station but by the time we had given her coloring books and crayons she was laughing and had the most magnificent smile. When the CPS (Child Protection Services) worker came in to take her to a group home I asked her about the adoption process. Two weeks later Renee and I welcomed Alice to our home. Three months later she accepted the Swan last name.

I worry that Alice may be too much for any one person and that that person will not see the amazing woman that she is. Jasper seems to be smitten by her and, so far, has been loyal and adoring. My worries have recently been disintegrating since they met.

Renee and I decided together that we would adopt another child that needed help and that's when we adopted Rosalie. Her mother was a party animal and preferred to be Rosalie's friend rather than her mother. When we first took Rose in she was a very lost soul. Ten years old and she hadn't been to school the entire 5th grade. The worst and saddest part about Rose when she arrived is that she was addicted to cocaine. She went through withdrawals for the first month she was with us. Renee almost broke down and gave her what she wanted but thankfully Rose came out of the hole her mother buried her in and saved us that heartache. The only worry I have for her is that she will let her addictive personality ruin her life. As long as Emmett can keep her intrigued, which it seems to me that he can, well I'm sure she will be just fine.

Bella was unexpected, after Rose we said we were done. Not that we didn't have room for another because we did, just that we didn't want to spread ourselves too thin. Two girls seemed to be just the right number. Until I started to see Bella. She was always in the same spot; sitting out at a park I passed everyday on my route, which happened to be right next to an orphanage. I found out a few days after first seeing her that she belonged to the orphanage. I had to escort a boy into the building and I saw her sitting on the couch with her head phones in her ears. Always reading. I asked the person in charge about her and he informed me that she never spoke unless spoken to and she had no friends. When I told Renee about her she didn't hesitate to agree that we would take her in.

Bella wasn't the worse off of the three, far from it actually, but she was older when we brought her into our home. I feel like we helped her the best we could and I hope and pray every day that it was just enough for her to be happy with the way her life has gone. My one and only worry for Bella is that she will let Edward control her life. By control I mean, his very presence brings a kind of secure feeling over her. She doesn't hide it and I can't be sure if she even notices it herself, but it's there and it's powerful. I want her to be her own person and not rely on another. Hopefully today will prove to my subconscious that we did do just that.

Bella and Alice both looked completely in love with the eyes they were looking into as the priest read the words that have been read for centuries. As I as I watched all of them I felt peace in my heart as I knew my girls were home. Who would have ever believed that all three of my girls would find their soulmates in three boys with similar rough lives, who also happen to be adopted by the same family? So now all my Swan girls—and my three grandchildren—are Cullen's. I watched the boys and their expressions mirrored their future wives'. They were definitely going to be happy and that thought only made my heart feel warmer.

Jasper placed the ring on Alice's finger and stumbled through the traditional vows. Through eyes filled with tears and a shaky voice, Alice placed the ring on Jasper's finger and returned the same traditional vows.

Edward and Bella, who have been looking into each other's eyes the entire ceremony, had chosen to write their own vows. Edward was good for Bella, something about him completes her and she is so much happier now that they have found each other. They both held soft smiles and warm eyes as they read their vows to one another and slipped the rings on their fingers. The priest asked them each if they took the other as husband and wife and they all said "I do."

"You may kiss the brides," he declared and both boys gathered their wives up and kissed them, tilting them down and up again.

* * *

_**I know it's been too long since I updated. I feel like I lied and I am so sorry for that. I ended up moving and got really overwhelmed with that and then school started. I don't even want to get into that but it's already been a crazy week. This weekend I have to go over to my old apartment and get the remainder of my things and clean it up a bit. I am hoping, while I'm in school, I can update at minimum once a week. I will do my very best to meet that but please bare with me when I'm a day or two late. Real life calls and I have got to answer the phone for my kids and myself. **_

_**Anyways, back to whats really important (LOL don't we all wish)...ahhh they got married, and together. I loved this chapter, especially the surprise POV of Charlie. You got a little bit of background info on our girls. Make's things a little more interesting don't you think. Especially how the Alice found Jasper (duh) a psychologist and Rose found Emmett, a party animal, all things of their past that made them who they are today. It's, in a way, facing their past and overcoming it. This story isn't really about them but they each have a story, too. And Bella, you know some of her past, and I kind of left it that way for your imagination. Edward's past is going to come out eventually, I won't say when or how much or how but it will and it is, very soon. **_

_**I know I've said this more than a few times but harder times are coming for our beautiful couple and their Emilee. Nothing bizzar but things that happen to a couple sometimes when they are together for so long. You'll see...again nothing to terrible and of course there will be a happy ending so you know it's nothing seriously OMG what was she thinking. **_

_**The next chapter is a lot of dialog but there are a few little spots that get hit on but not too much. Think of it as a movie montage showing the passing of time haha!! I'm hoping to get it out by next weekend and I'm very sorry that I have to make you wait that long for an update. I hope it will be worth....**_

_**Please leave me sum luv...lil' button just below**_

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	26. Somewhere in Time

**26. Somewhere in Time**

_**EPOV**_

Kissing my wife is much more fulfilling than plainly kissing my Bella. Bella is and will always be my Bella, but now she is much more than that. I am tied to her as she is tied to me. There is nothing above us, we are as high as two people can get. By that I mean marriage is the highest title two people as a couple can achieve. It's much more than being partners anymore, it's about being one solid unit. If Bella falls, I fall; if I rise, Bella rises and vice versa. I get to go home every night to the chocolate brown eyes that will never haunt my dreams again. Bella will, every night for the rest of our lives, be lying next to me as we sleep.

The reception was nothing out of the ordinary. Except when it came to the father daughter dance. Bella and Alice danced around in a circle with Charlie who stumbled over his feet the whole way through. When the song was over Charlie handed them off to Jasper and I and we made our loops around the dance floor. Only, when we took our new blushing brides in hand, I took Alice and Jasper took Bella. We switched off when we passed one another and our friends and family cheered.

"Why hello Mr. Cullen," Bella said when I took her hand in mine and wrapped my arm around her waist—pulling her closer against me.

"Hello Mrs. Cullen," I smiled widely at the sound of that rolling off my tongue and the immense pleasure it brought along with it.

"I like the sound of that," she smiled sweetly and it just about took my breath away.

I leaned down and kissed my wife. "My wife," I said when our lips parted. A delicious pink flushed her cheeks as she looked away and at our feet.

"You lied to me," she smiled back up at me.

"What about?" I attempted to look back on our time together and I was coming up with nothing.

"You told me you weren't a good dancer."

I spun her around and held her close to me and the wonder and amazement on her face was almost laughable. "I told you that before I took lessons from Rose."

"Remind me to thank her later," she giggled then added. "I can't believe you're good at everything."

I sighed and brought her hand to my lips for a light kiss. "I am only good at everything because you see me that way. I'm terrible at cooking," I offered in my defense.

"Oh, you're right about that," she replied with a wrinkle of her nose. "And you're stick figures are the worst I have ever seen."

I spun her around in a fluid movement and dipped her with elegance—all thanks to Rose. "Yours are just as terrible, if not worse."

* * *

The honeymoon started just as soon as the reception ended. Jasper and Alice got into their limo and Bella and I into ours. We didn't go far, a cruise along the peninsula, and returned the next day to our Emilee. I continued to work at Lulu's, slowly working my way into recognition, people were beginning to know the name Edward Cullen. Not only for my dueling accomplishments, but for my "mind blowing" compositions. Day's were running into one another by the time Emilee reached her second birthday.

Bailey and Emilee both were progressing side by side. The same day Emilee took her first steps, Bailey did shortly after. We could all see the competitive side of their growing relationship, already they were showing each other up. When Emilee spoke her first word it wasn't to Bella or I, it was to Bailey. She said "Mine" and Bailey replied "Mine'. Their birthdays were shared just as Bella and Alice planned.

Bella stopped working shortly after Emilee turned two and she seemed to enjoy having the time with her. We have stayed happy and in love everyday of our marriage. Everyday just seemed to bring us closer in every way. There are no secrets, all our free time is spent together and I cherish every moment of it.

By Emilee's third birthday I wasn't just Edward Cullen, the dueling pianist…I was Edward Cullen the composer. In one of my compositions Bella sang, it was beautiful and touching. Her voice was perfect for the setting I was trying to portray in the notes that carried from my fingers. I fell in love with her all over again that day.

Today is our four year anniversary and I have been playing off that I forgot. I am going into work for a "double shift" and Bella hasn't said anything to me about the date.

"When will you be home?" She asked, folding some of Emilee's clothes on the couch.

I grabbed my coat off the hanger and threw it over my shoulders. "I don't know, it might be late so I don't expect you to wait up for me." I smiled while I faced the wall and my expression was blank when I turned to look at her.

"Okay," she said not meeting my gaze. "I guess I'll see you in the morning then," she placed one of Emilee's shirt's delicately on top of a pile of other shirts she had folded.

I hated making her feel like this but its all part of the plan. I walked over to her and kissed her lightly, "I love you Bella, sleep well."

I was out the door and walking down the hall moments later and stopping in front of the door three doors down. After three knocks the door came open and Angela smiled up at me. "I'm on my way out now, do you have the envelope?" I asked in a heavy tone.

Angela placed her hand on her hip in a no nonsense fashion, "Really Edward? You think I would just lose the envelope?" She turned into her apartment and returned before the door shut completely. "You're faith in me is insulting."

I smiled widely at the envelope in her hand. It is a creamy white with flowered bouquets embedded in the corners. The front of the envelope reads, in elegant font, "My Bella". The back of the envelope has only two lines. I looked back from the envelope to Angela, "Don't forget, she'll be really upset. Comfort her, but do not tell her anything."

"Edward, Jesus Christ, give me the benefit of the doubt," she hissed and I blanched.

"Okay, thank you, for everything," I kissed her cheek and half sprinted down the corridor and to my car.

_**BPOV**_

Saying I do to Edward was something otherworldly. It reverberated through me and I never waited so impatiently to recite something in my entire life. Hearing him say it was, impossibly, more satisfying.

We boarded the cruise only hours after the "I do's". The cruise ship was large, four decks above and three below. Lights were strewn about the railings and along the corridors to the rooms and other quarters. The people on this ship were all of great stature, all of them carrying Louis Vuitton luggage and dressed to kill. I have never, in all my life, thought of myself in this group of social class. Never have I considered myself of the low social class but never of the high social class either. Maybe, somewhere in the middle. I suppose, now being married to Edward Cullen, maybe my class has risen to a higher one.

Thinking about all of this and watching Edward mingle with the people on this boat, I started to think that maybe this life isn't the life I am meant to lead. Maybe Michael was the man I was destined to marry. Destiny is not as set in stone as we might think. Nor does destiny always keep our best interest at heart. Destiny only keeps in mind the things in which are best and easiest for us. Destiny sometimes challenges us to find what is utterly important to us. If destiny has challenged me to find my true future, well it seems I passed that test.

I stayed on Edward's arm, him pulling me from person to person, greeting them as if he knew them personally. He introduced me every time saying, "This is my wife, Bella. We are on our honeymoon," and every time the woman of the group looked me up and down and the men of the group did the same. I couldn't be sure if they were judging me next to Edward, but if they were, well there's a big difference between us.

After meeting essentially everyone on the ship, we headed to our room where our luggage had already been delivered. I wanted to get the honeymoon officially started, I didn't even care to wave goodbye to the land we were leaving and wave hello to the sea where we were venturing. I just wanted Edward, in our room still wearing his tux, and me in the white under-lace I chose to wear for this night.

"Don't you want to see us off?" he asked after I kissed him once the door was closed tightly behind us. I smiled as I slipped my heels off and reached around in an attempt to unbutton my dress. Edward cleared his throat, "Let me get that for you," and spun me around, my back facing him.

He started with the top button, letting it unclasp slowly and drawn out. I waited impatiently for him to move on to the buttons below, but instead, felt his hot breath on the skin of my back just below my neck before his lips pressed hard and sternly against it. I felt my entire being warm at his touch and the excitement inside was harder to contain than ever before. His fingers trailed down and gripped the second button in line. He repeated his steps over and over again, causing me to shake and perspire with anticipation, until the last button was released. I dropped my arms and let the dress fall to the floor.

White satin was all that covered me and by the look on Edward's face I made the right choice in undergarments. It didn't take long for me to be exactly where I wanted to be, and where I waited patiently all night to be, which was in Edward's loving embrace. We spent the rest of the night in each other's arms and the next day too. A new chapter in our lives together was just starting for us and it only seemed to get better with time.

* * *

Emilee, now four and in preschool, is so much like her father. She is smart and has a way with winning people over. Her long bronze curls are now reaching to her lower back and her eyes are deep brown like my own, like they have been since she was born.

Mine and Edward's four year anniversary is in two days and Edward hasn't mentioned it at all. He's never forgotten but his work has been taking its toll on him and I cannot help but think his mind is elsewhere. I haven't mentioned it because I don't want to seem needy when he has so much on his plate already. Of course I threw in some hints here and there but nothing to blunt. When he left for work the day of, I was mortified. He'd completely forgotten and I let it happen. I started placing all the blame on myself, when in reality I should have been putting it all on him. When that reality hit me I was a little less than furious.

"How could he forget?" I asked myself while finally putting away the clothes I'd folded. "Why didn't I just remind him?"

"Remind who," Emilee popped into my room from the hall, her brown eyes curious. I turned to look at our beautiful daughter, her hair wild a top her head just like her fathers. That thought sent a ping through me.

"No one sweetie, don't worry about it." I sat the remaining clothes on the bed and kneeled down in front of her. "What would you like for dinner Em?"

She made a deep-in-thought—finger on her cheek—look and I recited the words as she said them, "Macaroni and cheese."

I rolled my eyes, "You cannot eat that every night Em, you need other nutrients as well." I laughed and she giggled.

"I know, but I love, love, love-e macaroni and cheese."

I reached out and tickled her on her sides and she collapsed into my arms. I carried her into the kitchen and let her help me make macaroni and cheese. "No more macaroni and cheese this week, okay?" I asked for her understanding and she nodded as she dumped the noodles into the boiling water with my assistance.

"Can we have it again next week?" she asked.

I smiled down at her and nodded, "Once every week."

There was a knock on the door that startled us both. "I'll be right back, don't touch the burner, remember…"

"It's hot," she finished.

"Okay, be right back." I grabbed the hand towel hanging from the oven and ran my hands through it as I made way to the front door. I wasn't expecting to see Angela. I have lived in this apartment complex for well over four years and not once did I speak to her. I saw her on a few occasions but never stopped to introduce myself. Edward, on the other hand, is so open and friendly that he introduced us. He had met her while bringing over some of his things and they had ended up becoming friends. Her and I—Alice too—have become close friends, but I still wasn't expecting to see her at the door.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Hey, um well," she stumbled over her words which only confused me. "Edward gave this to me and asked me to give it to you." She held out an envelope between us and I took it, further confused then when our conversation started. "Come see me after you've read it." She turned and walked back down the hall to her apartment and I stood in the doorway watching her retreat.

"Mommy, the water is bubbling," I heard Emilee call from the kitchen. I hurried back into the house and let the door shut its self. I helped Emilee with the rest of dinner and when she was all set up and eating at the table; I pulled out the envelope that Angela gave to me.

On the front of the envelope was "Bella", written in Edward's calligraphy. When I turned it over and read the words he'd written, my eyes filled with tears, only from happiness.

_Four fanfuckingtastic years together. _

_Looking forward to the years that are to come. _

I couldn't get the envelope opened fast enough to uncover what was within.

_I love you for so many reasons, large and small._

_I love you for all the special qualities that make you "you", one of a kind, the only one in the world for me. _

_I love you for the silent times when your eyes and your arms tell me all I need to know._

_I remember our first official date, our first kiss and our very first "I love you's"._

_I remember how natural it felt to start out together, how comfortable we were despite all the crazy things that were happening in the world around us. _

_I knew I had found a companion for the journey ahead, someone who would stay beside me no matter how the road turned or where it took us. _

_More years than I can believe have slipped by us, but I feel the same way now, as I did all those years ago…_

_I feel anything is possible—I know we can count on each other, and I want to go on sharing everything on life's journey with you._

_I love you because you know how to bring out the best in me._

_I love you…just because I do…because now, in a place where there was nothing before, in the deepest part of my heart…there is love… and there is you. _

_If you forgive me, my Bella, for acting like I didn't remember or that I didn't care at all, please meet me at Lulu's and wear whatever you like. _

_Your Edward, always and forever. _

With tears straining down my face and the largest lump in my throat I think I have ever experienced I managed to tell Emilee I would be right back and sprinted toward the door. I left the door open and knocked on Angela's door.

After only two knocks she opened the door with a wide smile on her face and a bag in her hand. She didn't greet me but walked out the door and shut it behind her. "Don't worry about how late you're out; I'm Emilee's for the night. I don't want anything for it because that little girl is such a joy to be around and that's payment enough."

All I could manage to say was, "Thank you."

I didn't get dressed up, he said wear whatever I like and that's what I did; jeans and a t-shirt. When I arrived at Lulu's there was nobody around except a limo parked out front. I waited in my car for Edward to show me where he was and was startled when there was a knock at my window.

"Are you Mrs. Cullen?" a well groomed man in a suit and hat asked. He smiled genuinely as if to calm my fears and with a shaky hand I rolled the window down.

"Who's asking?" I kept my finger hovering over the window button just in case I needed to put something between us.

"My name is Gerrald and I'm with Cecilia's Limo's. A Mr. Edward Cullen asked me to park here and wait for his wife. Are you her?" This man was kind and looked the part. I rolled up my window, pulled the keys out of the ignition and gathered what small amount of things I had and followed the man to the limo. He held the door open for me and shut it snuggly behind me.

Inside, there was an envelope on the seat along with a box wrapped in paper sitting next to it. I opened the envelope and inside was another letter.

_Bella,_

_There are so many words I want to say to you but none of them convey the feelings I hold for you because they just cannot be expressed in words. I am so fucking proud of us Love. We have defied the odds and made it through the toughest years of our lives. We've both put a lot of the past behind us and given up things that maybe we shouldn't have. There is one part of our past I want to bring back. Something I know brought you a lot of joy at one point in your life and I think there's enough room for this something to make a reappearance. _

_So please open the gift that sits beside this letter and meet me at the only place the gift makes sense. I have one more surprise for you and yes it is probably exactly what you're expecting._

_I love you._

_

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_**OME, it has been too long since I updated. I wanted to make this longer but it just wasn't happening and I didn't want to make you wait any longer. [see how nice I am LOL] I am going to use school as an excuse once again because it is true. I am reading Don Quijote in my novels class and that's like 40 pages every two days on top of the business book I have to read (a chapter every two days). So I know I said I would updated once a week, but it looks like that isn't going to happen. I hate to say it but SH just can't be my top priority, as much as I wish it could be. **_

_**Anyways, I feel like the end is upon us, two chapters left and an epilogue. The whole story to me feels like a preface and an epilogue, so I don't know how an epilogue will make sense but I'll do my bestest. I have really enjoyed all your thoughts and suggestions.**_

_**Please leave me sum luv...lil' button just below**_

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	27. What Women Want

**27. What Women Want**

_**EPOV**_

Everything has to be perfect. Not because Bella wouldn't appreciate it if it wasn't, but because Bella deserves nothing less. She does so much and asks for so little in return. I want this night to be one for the books, one she will remember forever.

When I arrived Eric was already there and had the paperwork in hand. I remember the conversation we had two weeks ago.

"Hey Edward, long time no talk. How's the family? How's Bella? We miss her around here. She always gave us all a run for our money. That girl was something else when it came to the track." We talked as if it was just yesterday that we'd seen each other, and we fell right back into our friendly banter just as if it never ceased to exist at all.

"Bella is great, Emilee is a handful but she is so wonderful. She's soon to be a kindergartner and she is so excited about being a big girl. But hey, that isn't necessarily why I called. I'm curious, do you still have that Accord Bella was going to take off your hands?" I knew how farfetched my request was but it's the only thing I wanted to get my wife and it was the only thing that would suffice.

"Man, you know how long ago that was? Like four and a half years bro." He fell silent and my plan—that I so carefully orchestrated—was ruined. "Dude, I knew I kept it for a reason."

"Fuck Eric, you had me sweating bullets over here. Is it still for sale? I need that car." I laughed nervously because he had no idea how much I was willing—and able—to trade for it.

"Yeah it's still for sale, I wouldn't keep it for just this reason and not follow through," He laughed. "When do you want it?"

I could not contain the excitement in my voice as we talked about the purchase of his car. I told him when our anniversary was and what I planned to do. I told him that he is always more than welcome to come by our place for a visit. We talked about our families and our lives since the last time we spoke. He had heard about me in the newspapers around Seattle and on a few radio stations, but did not want to bother us. He said he didn't want us to think he was just trying to be our friend because of our reputation.

Sometime later the conversation ended and I had an appointment to see him just before Bella would arrive.

"Hey Cullen, s'been a long time," Eric greeted me with a quick shake of his hand. "You look good. How's the musician's life treating you?"

"It's good, long hours, but at least I'm doing something I actually enjoy doing." I thought about my previous employment at the Rose Garden in Portland, Oregon. It was not that I did not like that job, it was a good one and I had a lot of respect from many well-known people, but something was definitely missing.

"True that," he agreed.

We got down to business after that and I handed over the money he requested. After having all the documents, I thanked him and entered the track to meet with the owner, whom I spoke to earlier in the week and set my whole plan in motion. His wife, bless her heart, happens to be a big fan of mine and in return for my appearance at _their_ wedding anniversary; he is opening the doors to us and no one else.

After a long conversation with him about the rules and regulations we had to follow, he informed me that Eric would be present to help make sure everything went smoothly. That would not be a problem because the part of the night when we would be alone, was going to be the highlight of it all.

I told myself I wouldn't do it, that I would not message Angela and ask her about Bella's reaction and if she was in fact coming at all. I had to know if she was coming, if she was on her way this very second. So, I sent Angela a text.

_Ang, did you give Bella the letter yet? What did she say?_

_She got it, I'm just waiting for her to show up knocking at my door after she's read it. My bags already packed. _

_Do me a favor and send me a heads up when she leaves…please_

_I'll see what I can do._

I was pacing around the car, impatiently waiting to find out how my behavior has effected Bella's, when Eric cleared his throat and startled me from my agitated state.

"I take it Bella isn't in on this?"

"No," I shook my head and continued pacing. "I'm dreadfully anxious as to what her reaction is going to be." I turned back to the car I'd been pacing and started another trip around. "She hasn't tracked in over four years, I'm not entirely sure this is something she wants. I think it is. Sometimes, when she's driving, I can still see the glee in her eyes that I used to see when she was on this track. I want to bring that back into her life because I know, as I'm sure you know as well, how important it was to her."

I continued around the car, not caring if he was going to respond or not. I didn't care what anyone had to say, all that mattered was that Bella was happy. Although, some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing would be nice.

"She told me once that she was doing it to keep her mind off of something, or someone. Maybe she's happy now, and that's why she doesn't track anymore…because she doesn't need it."

I stared at him for a moment then shook my head, "No, she loved it too much." I began another trip around the car, once again but something pulled my sight away from the ground I was watching so attentively. Bella stood in the entryway of the track, the entrance that overlooks the track its self. Her eyes were nowhere but on me; chocolate dripping out of them and draining into my soul. She forgave me, there was nothing to forgive. She came.

A hint of a smile was palpable on her face as her hand floated to her side in a waving motion. She looked stunned and amazed gazing down at me and the current between us pulled like something tangible, a magnetic attraction. Her hand fell as did her gaze and she began the long descent to the track floor. I never took my eyes off of her, I couldn't. I tried, it felt awkward to stare at her as I was, but I could not pull myself away. Bella has me completely mesmerized by the mere sight of her. The walk from the end of the stairs was painful, I had to move towards her to close the gap between us.

"What is all of this?" She asked when she was close enough to me to do so without shouting. Before answering her, I wrapped her up in my arms and engrossed myself in her fragrance. Honey and Lilacs.

"This is my anniversary gift to you. I don't ever want you to feel like you have given anything up. Not for me. Not for Emilee. Not for anyone. You deserve so much more than this, but for now, Happy Anniversary."

"Edward," she breathed as she stepped away from me and towards the car she should have had a long time ago. "You didn't?"

I followed behind her and laced her hand with mine. "I did and you better not say I shouldn't have because we both know that would be a lie." She stopped abruptly and turned to face me, a smiled smothered with tears on her face.

"You absolutely should have," and she leapt into my waiting arms and wrapped her limbs around me. She held herself tight against me as I brought her closer to the car. When I was but five feet from it she let her feet fall from the death grip around my waist and I lowered her softly and safely to the ground.

"Hey Eric," she greeted him as she stood next to the car. "Looks like I got her after all huh," she referred to the Accord that now belongs to her.

"I knew there was a reason I held onto it for half a decade," he chuckled and they hugged. I don't know exactly how long it has been since they had seen one another but the last time Bella came to the track was before she found out she was pregnant. They were close back in those days, and he is another thing—or person rather—that should not be left behind with the things of our past that we let go.

"Hop in," he said and I grabbed the helmet that she held so tightly in her grasp. She released Eric and stood in front of me.

"You ready to take her for a spin," I said and positioned the helmet just over her head. She smiled excitedly as the helmet went over her head and I caught her hands with mine before they fell at her sides. I pulled them up to my lips, opening them flat out so I could kiss the pillow soft skin underneath. By far the sexiest pair of hands I have ever come into contact with. I inhaled the fragrance of honey and lilacs that always lingers, something I will never get enough of. She looked into my eyes and I felt the love and trust that mirrored my own. There has never been a single person that I have given all of my trust since Bella. She never lost it and she will forever and only be the one to hold it. Since the moment I saw her, back in the group home, I knew she was going to be a big part of my life. Something about the way she broke down and let me in, told me that she trusted me then as much as I truly wanted her to.

We were in the same room where we met, Bella had been letting me sit and talk to her, which was a big leap from the finger and the cold shoulder I was receiving during the previous month. She never said anything back and I tried not to push her but after so long of one-way conversations it gets tiresome and un-motivating. So, my last stitch effort was telling her how it was. I expected to get some kind of reaction out of her, something other than the nod of her shoulders or her pretty little middle finger in my face. What I got was far more than I ever anticipated.

"My mother and father left me when I was a baby, is that what you want to hear? That I stayed with my grandmother, who treated me more like a slave than family, until I was 10. That I was basically secluded to my room when I wasn't doing what she asked of me and my only escape was when I went to school. I don't have any friends because I don't know how to have and keep a relationship with anyone. That when she died they brought me here because my parents, even 10 years later, still did not want me. That I keep ending up back in this shit hole because I'm not good enough for any family. Is that what you want to talk about Edward, because if it is there you have it." Her eyes were tear stained and her voice was thick. She looked directly into my eyes as she spoke, a passion I did not expect to see in her shone as she let out her frustrations.

"If it makes you feel better, than yes. I only want to help you Bella," I tried to grab her hand but she snatched it away so fast I felt the breeze her hand in the air created.

"Don't," she said sternly, holding back her tears and trying with utter confidence to stay strong as she spoke her next words. "Don't try and be my friend Edward, because by doing that you're only going to cause me more pain. I have had enough people leave me, and to be honest, I'm sick and tired of it."

I kept her gaze until her face fell into her hands and she sniffled back her emotions still. My finger traced under her chin and she let her head go where I wanted it. When our eyes locked, I smiled and took in a ragged breath that her intense expression pulled out of me. "I will be here until you want otherwise. If you want me to go, I will, but if not let me know and I will not ever go anywhere. As long as I can help it, I will be here for you."

Her eyelids fell and she rested her head in my hands. I studied the fine sculpture of her face, her long lashes that were saturated from tears and the dimple in her cheek when her lips quivered from those same tears that fell onto my hand. Her long, brown, unkempt hair that stuck to her face from the precipitation was gorgeous in every way. She sighed in my hand and her eyes fluttered open as if she were adjusting to the light from the window.

"Do you want me to leave Bella?" I asked her directly and I hated thinking she was going to say yes. I regretted asking the moment the words came out of my mouth.

"Yes," she said in a whisper, "is what I should say." She looked up and out the window, her eyes squinting from the rays coming in, "but I don't want you to leave."

"Then I won't." I moved to sit beside her and rested my arm around her shoulders. I was shocked when I felt her body relax into me and it didn't pass my notice that she fit so comfortably against me. Her fragrance also did not slip my mind, I caught it instantly and have never forgotten.

Honey and lilacs.

Bella climbed into the car and I put my head in after her. "Now, it's been a while Bella. Don't push yourself too hard because I don't know what I'd do if you were to ever get hurt."

"Don't jinx me Edward, you better knock on some wood." She crinkled her nose and looked around the car. She found a napkin between the seat and the center counsel and pulled it out. "here, this is better than nothing." She held it out the window and I knocked on it, the best I could.

"I love you my Bella, I will always be waiting for you at the finish line." I retracted my head out of the window and Bella looked out and up at me through the helmet sun visor.

"And I will always be racing there to get to you, don't ever forget that."

_**BPOV**_

Edward is good at many things and wooing me is one of them. He is such a romantic and that's just one of the many wonderful things I adore about him. He pays attention to the little things, the little things that truly bring happiness to our lives and our relationship.

I expected something, track related, when I opened the gift he had left for me in the limo. What my hands pulled out was a fresh helmet with my initials BMC on the side in graffiti writing. Looking at the initials and thinking about Edward, I thought about back when we first found out we were having a baby. We were telling each other things that we thought couples in our situation ought to know about one another. Edward told me about his life before I met him at the group home. I knew it was bad, but I never knew the extent of the situation.

"My mother was a saint in comparison to my father. I remember her always getting on me about moving the center pieces around on the coffee table. They were these square shaped lace pieces that had fake flowers in plastic pots sitting in the middle of them." Edward was sitting on one side of the bench and I was sitting on another. We were in front of our apartment, the one that used to be just mine. "She smoked pot, probably every day, but she took care of me. I was seven when it happened. By then she was too scared to smoke, too scared of falling asleep before my dad fell flat on his face. My dad was a lot different from my mother, but the same as having an addictive personality, which ironically is where I get my own addictive personality. Except my addiction is the very best thing for me…not worse." He winked, even in his down stupor. I could sense that he did not like reliving his past, which is probably why I had not heard this story until now. "He drank a lot, to the point he would black out and everything was a blur to him the next morning. We forgave him at first, at least my mother did, I was too little to understand at the time. When I turned five, I started to notice the things he did to her and I started interfering. He was mentally cruel and physically abusive to my mother but never to me. He pushed me once but that was nothing compared to what my mother went through every night."

He was quiet for a while and I took in all he said. It made sense, now, why he wanted to help me and protect me. It's what he did for his mother so it was built into his psyche. After I could not stand the silence any longer, I asked him what happened when he was seven and this is what he told me.

"Me and my mom were at home by ourselves late at night, as usual, and we had just gotten done eating dinner and doing the dishes. I always helped my mom do them because her back hurt her a lot and being hunched over doing the dishes was no walk in the park for her. Though a walk in the park by then wouldn't have been an easy task to accomplish either. We were used to being alone at night; my dad was always at the bar, and spending what little money we did have on booze. I fell asleep with my mother on my bed, which is what usually happened. I never minded that she fell asleep with me in attempts to avoid my father, if my presence kept him from hurting her than I wanted to be nowhere else. I woke up to the front door slamming. It echoed through my bedroom door. My mother had me held tight against her and we both watched the light coming from under the door with wide anticipated eyes. My father stood at the door for some time, making my mother cringe and scoot further under the covers. I was seven, and I was pissed that my mother had to feel so frightened by my father. I was mad that he put us through the same fucking thing day in and day out." Edward was speaking in such a way I don't think I have ever witnessed. He was angry and saddened about his mother and father, about bringing all of this back to the surface, and I didn't want to see him go through the pain anymore. I couldn't take it, just watching him suffer was worse than anything I have ever observed. Before I could tell him he didn't need to explain anything more, he continued.

"When the door finally opened we were both immersed in the blanket. After we heard his footsteps coming toward us, the blanket suddenly lifted off us and my father grabbed my mother by her wrist and yanked her out of my bed. She released her hold on me the moment his hand touched her. I was left on the bed to watch my father drag her out of the room, kicking and screaming. It was horrible Bella, just terrible. I was helpless, I tried to fight him but it only made things worse."

The tone in his voice trailed off to a sigh and he leaned into me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he leaned his head on my chest. I ran my fingers through his hair and we just stared out at the scene for a while. I didn't want to know what happened anymore, especially if it was going to bring out the pain I saw in Edward's eyes. Nothing that terrible is worth reliving. Without getting the chance to tell him I didn't need to know what happened, he beat me to it.

"My father shot my mother that night. He pointed at me and told me that life was going to do the same to me as it had done to him. He held the gun up to his head and then pulled the trigger."

I was jolted from the memory and thrown back into reality when the limo stopped. I had to blink a few times until I saw where we were. My door swung open and I stepped out, carrying the helmet and nothing else. I thought about the many occasions I came to this place, how many times just being here lifted my spirits and gave me guidance. My safe haven, pre-Edward.

I walked down the recognizable halls that were no longer, as I remembered them. There were pictures on the wall of professionals and the place was a lot nicer than it once was. The smell was familiar, a light scent of exhaust and gasoline. Not intolerable, but it was definitely there. I continued through the closed concession stands and headed down the entrance to the main track. The lights were all off except the one directly above the starting line, and when I reached the balconies edge, I could see Edward and Eric talking beside the car that was once destined to be mine.

I watched Edward run his hands through his hair more times than I would have liked to see. That only meant one thing; he is nervous or panicking. But before I could put much thought into it, he looked up at me from the track floor, as if I called out his name. When our eyes met I couldn't get to him fast enough, though I took my time getting down the stairs. Once on solid ground, I didn't hesitate to reach him. I could see it in his eyes, how much he wanted to be near me and that only quickened my pulse.

When I opened the box that held the helmet, it never entered the realm of my mind that Edward might have bought me a car. Not just any car, but the car that I had every intention on buying back when track racing was a big part of my life. She still looks the same, and not a scratch on her.

Seeing Eric was nice, nicer than I anticipated it would be. I didn't think I missed him that much but I guess time only makes the heart grow fonder.

My routine when getting behind the wheel of the track car was always this. All of my cooped up aggression, worries, fears and sadness I brought to the forefront of my mind. I let it eat through me one last time because just like the pavement under the tires, disappearing in the rearview mirror, so was my pent up frustrations. Every notch the speedometer inched closer to top speed, a little bit of the weight gets lifted off.

But today, in this time of my life there is nothing to bring. Nothing to throw behind me. So I took Edwards words to heart and raced faster and faster toward the finish line, to Edward.

_That night, our fourth anniversary, was the start of a downfall. It may have been an amazing, my kind of fairy tale night, but it was too good to be true. The rest of the year was booming for Edward, people wanted him to play all around the United States. He was even invited to the White House to play for the president. Emilee and I tagged along. We tagged along anytime he had to go out of town for more than a few days. When Emilee started school, I chose to stay home so she could attend a normal school. That was probably one of the better decisions I've made since._

_Edward has been so busy making a name for himself, he doesn't have much time for us anymore. He's told me that this time in our lives is only temporary and that things will get better. I know what he's doing has to be done for the sake of his profession, but I can't and won't sit back and say I'm having a good time._

_If it wasn't for Nick I don't know what I would do._

_Nick is one of Edward's dueling friends, well, was one of them before Edward quit Lulu's full-time. He still goes there and duels every Saturday night when he is able, but other than that he is strictly professional. Nick and Edward were great friends, and I guess you can say they still are, but our friendship has bonded and molded into something greater than theirs ever was or ever could possibly be. He is always here for me, when Edward is gone and I need someone to make me feel safe, Nick is there. The bonds with my sisters are still strong as ever, but Nick is an outsider, someone who sees things from a different perspective._

_He sees Edward's views along with my own and doesn't side with either one. He gives his own opinions and helps me to see the logic behind something I couldn't see before. If not for Nick, I don't think I would have made it through the fifth and sixth anniversaries. I thank God he came into our lives when he did…but all good things must come to an end._

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_**It's been a while y'all. I truly cannot wait to hear your thoughts on this one. Bad cliff hanger I know and I will do my absolute best to update as soon as I can. I hate waiting for updates just as much as the next person so ya, it shouldn't be too long. I feel like we are in the final stages of this story, two, three possibly four more chapters and we'll be saying goodbye to SH. These next few chapters are my way of saying thank you for all the time and thoughts you have put into this story. I know the cliff hanger doesn't seem like much of a thank you but you'll see, just trust me. Thank you all for you reviews, and as always, thank you from the deepest part of my heart, to Scrimmy for being so wonder during this time. I cannot imagine what you are going through. You are in my thoughts IMAMA....**_

_**Back to homework I go and please leave me your thoughts....I would love to hear them....**_


	28. The Way We Were

_**Things take a twisted turn in this chapter and I will explain more at the end...This is all Bella's POV**_

28. The Way We Were

**BPOV**

"Get your homework out Emilee." Everyday seems to be the same around here. The loud, ear piercing, alarm breaks through my unconsciousness, only to wake me to an already-empty bed. I hurry groggily to Emilee's room to wake her up for school and then to the kitchen to make her breakfast. She is now five and in the first grade. Her teachers love her and have only good things to say about her. She can read at a second grade level and she can do simple adding and subtracting mathematical problems, thanks to me, and she is very outgoing and talkative; that is thanks to her father.

Edward and I have been married now five years, five very long and ever changing years. Things changed a lot when Emilee came into our lives, and things have not stopped changing since. Most of the change has been good, especially bringing back the track, which I welcomed with opened arms. I gave up being a music teacher—for now—and I would do it again because it was the best thing I could have done for Emilee. Edward has been passionately involved in his career ever sense it began and I think he feels pressured to spend more time at work to cater to our needs. If anything, he over-caters if you ask me.

We finally moved out of the city and bought a house in the same area as Rose and Alice, a big enough house you could mistake as a hotel. Five bedrooms, four baths, a three car garage, a pool with a hot tub and a basketball court. We have three vehicles and only two of us drive. Not to mention the recreational vehicles we have—a boat, three dirt bikes and a motorcycle—that we never put to use.

Edward's profession has been more of a burden for me than it has a good thing. I would never tell him that because he is so happy with what he does, I would never dream of ruining that. He has worked so hard to get to where he is and is so proud of himself. I am proud of him too, but I feel like the line between work and home has grown so thin that it's now, nonexistent. He spends all of his time—free time included—meeting with people and making interviews. When he is home, he spends all of his time in his study; I don't bother him when he's in there. I learned the hard way to leave him alone when he is working. Of course, he isn't abusive in any way, he would never hurt me or Emilee intentionally, but unintentionally is a whole other thing. We argue a lot these days and I've started to feel like we're falling apart. That our connection has grown thin, and at any moment it is going to break, and I will lose him forever.

Edward was in his study, as he usually is nowadays, and I was really looking for some love and affection. He hadn't shown me much of either of those things in a while and I was definitely jonesing for my addiction. I could feel the withdrawal with every passing day that he didn't touch me.

So I walked past the door to his study, slowly, letting him know I was trying to catch his attention, but he didn't even give me a glance. I tried to make some noise, but that didn't have any effect on him either. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I stood in front of the door, in the sexiest pose I could manage and waited for him to notice.

He typed something on his laptop and then looked up at me with a heartbreaking expression. I wasn't expecting that, and I wasn't expecting to be completely turned off in that moment. But I was, and Edward just went back to his typing and I went to bed.

I haven't been able to get that expression on his face, that night, out of my mind. I see it in my dreams, I feel the emotions when I think about it. I still have no idea what could be making him feel like the way he looked, I just wish he would tell me. I want to make him happy, I want to see him smile, which I haven't seen him express either of those emotions in my presence in a long time.

"Sorry mom, I got preoccipied," Emilee broke through my reverie. She has been using big words for the last two weeks; trying to broaden her vocabulary. Anytime she hears someone use a word she doesn't understand, she asks for the definition. I encourage her to gain as much knowledge as she can at this age so she will retain as much as possible.

"It's preoccupied Em," I corrected her, "Next time, come straight into the kitchen and we'll get it started." I picked up her bag and carried it to the kitchen table. She is so meticulous about her things, her room is spotless, not like you would think a little girls room would be. She has her own laptop, her bed made, and all of her toys have their own designated spot. She get's that from her father.

Just as Emilee sat down and started her homework, Nick walked in the door. He doesn't knock when he comes over, he's basically family, and that didn't bother me in the least. It made me feel comfortable that he could be trusted, that I had someone while Edward was away.

"Hey girls," he greeted when he walked into our view.

"Nicky," Emilee sang.

"Hey Em, aren't you looking lovely today," he complemented her then looked over at me, "Mom's looking good, too."

"Oh stop it," I joked and turned back to the dinner I was preparing. Nick helped Emilee with her homework, which helped me get dinner done on time. She never required much help, only when she thought she had something wrong. I made Edward a plate, as I always do, and put it in the microwave for him to heat up whenever he got home.

"Do you want to join us for dinner?" I asked Nick as he helped Emilee put her homework into her backpack for tomorrow. "There's plenty to go around."

"Sure, that'll be great, I didn't have any plans for dinner, I was just going to wing it."

"You should always have plans for dinner," I told him, "You're always welcome here."

"I know, that's why I don't make any plans," he laughed and joined me at my side. "What's on the menu?"

"Emilee's favorite," I joked, because it was everything but, "Sweet potatoes, carrots and meatloaf."

"Yum," he replied at the same time Emilee said, "Yuck!" with a disgusted look on her face.

"We talked about this Emilee; you have to eat things that are nutritious and good for you." I said this with my back to her while I dished out three plates. Nick stood by my side waiting to help take the plates to the table. When we walked to the table I got hit with vertigo and almost fell into it. Nick grabbed my shoulder and steadied me, his expression worried.

"Are you okay, do you need to sit down?" he asked in a rush.

"No, I'm fine," I replied, "just a little dizzy." Lie, I yelled at myself. There was always a reason for vertigo, and that reason just pulled up in the driveway.

Every time he comes home from being gone all day, I get the feeling that I used to get anytime he came into my proximity, but only for a moment; until I see him. He walked into the house, his Bluetooth attached to his ear and his bronze hair cut short—because the people want it that way.

"Hey," I said in a low tone, "How was your…"

I was cut off by his loud tone.

"Yeah, I'm confident you'll give me a run for my money." He dropped his suitcase on the bar stool and grabbed a freshly chopped carrot from the cutting board. "No, you've grown since we played together last. If I didn't know any better I might think you were trying to one up me." He hurried off to his study without saying a word and I felt the sting in place of the connection that used to be between us.

I smiled at Nick and then Emilee, trying hard to hold back my emotions. I didn't want Emilee to get suspicious and start asking questions about our relationship. She's a smart girl and nothing gets past her. We ate dinner—Nick, Emilee and I—discussing the coming events Emilee was excited about, mostly the fieldtrip to the space needle and the school carnival coming up. I cherish our conversations because she fascinates me. The fact that two people, such as Edward and myself, can make such a wonderful, bright, beautiful little girl, is astounding.

"Thanks for the grub," Nick said when he was done and cleaning his plate in the sink. "It's was delicious." He rubbed his belly.

"You're welcome," I tried to sound sincere but all I could think about was Edward's disregard of Emilee and me.

"Is everything okay?" he asked in a whisper, leaning closer to me so Emilee couldn't hear.

"Everything is as it has been for a while now," I would not risk Emilee overhearing our conversation. She did not need to worry about such things. She is only five.

"If you need anything, even just to talk, you know my number." He put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me to his side. I cringed away minimally but the feel of another person's arms around me was comforting.

"Yeah I do thanks." He gave Emilee and hug and wished her good night, then he was gone.

I cleaned up the kitchen, the dishes and helped Emilee get ready for bed. With all that done, I kissed her goodnight, and then called for Edward. Emilee refuses to go to sleep until she gets a hug and a kiss from her daddy. He came in, the only time beside when he gets into bed, that I did not see the Bluetooth in his ear. He went to her side and kneeled down against her bed, hugged her tight and kissed her forehead.

"Daddy loves you princess," he cooed. "Nighty night," he poked her sides, causing her to giggle, "Don't let the bed bugs bite," he joked and she busted up laughing, as she does every night. Once their goodnights were over, Edward returned to his study and Emilee curled up to let sleep overcome her.

Every night I pass by his study, the door ajar; and I linger to try to catch his attention. I want him to notice me, to show some kind of adoration when I look into his eyes. He usually looks tired and overwhelmed, but he never really shows it. The only thing that keeps me from going over the edge is Nick.

In the beginning, we all hung out, he even attends all of our family get-togethers. Since Edward has been so involved with his work, it is usually just me, Nick and Emilee hanging out. Nick also makes a living being the host of a YouTube show. He's very different from Edward. Edward is well rounded and a workaholic, where Nick is vulgar and he works when he wants to.

Recently, I have been confiding in him with my concerns about Edward's relationship and mine. He promises me he will not repeat anything I say but I'm still a little iffy about believing him. Still, I need to let it out to someone and Nick is it. Since our move, I have been out of contact with Angela. I hoped it wouldn't come to that, but we lost touch. Rosalie is off with Emmett, his ninth season with the Chargers, and Alice is very busy being a mother of three. She and Jasper welcomed the twins, James and Riley, late last spring. I wasn't going to tell my problems to the wives of the city, the women who attended the same play dates, the women that salivate at the thought of gossip. No thank you, then every one of them would be after my husband, married or not. The people of this town don't know of our issues, they only see the outside cover. We are a picture perfect family, community oriented and well mannered; I, am part of the PTA and Edward a well-known musician. Every one of the women that know of us yearn to be where I am.

Edward was featured in a magazine a few years ago for top 100 sexiest men in the business. He came in second and his sideline read, "This top notch composer knows how to treat a lady, 'he's a hopeless romantic' says his wife of six years, Isabella. He is also a wonderful father to their 3 years old daughter Emilee." They asked me what they should put and I told them that he's a devoted father and a hopeless romantic. Of course they would jumble up my words and make them their own.

For a year after that and sometimes to this day, women approach him and practically throw themselves at him. He always turns them away in a flirtatious manner saying he does it not to be rude. There are some moments when I think that maybe he isn't spending all of his time at work, maybe there is another woman. He doesn't seem to want to touch me as much as he used to and when we do make love it's short and bitter sweet.

Nick suggested that I ask him to go to marriage counseling with me but I know he would think himself to good for that. He's a man, a man's man and strong inside and out. He doesn't take charity or handouts, never has, even when we were young. Seeing a counselor to help us with our problems will only make him feel like he has failed, that we have failed and that would probably be the end of it. I don't know that I could handle the end, what would my life be like without Edward?

I wouldn't have a life at all because he is the center of it, the motivation I hold onto that pushes me through every day. Some might find that harsh, as I have Emilee, she should be the one pushing my motivation, but I won't say that she isn't, because she definitely is a determining factor, but Edward holds my heart. He has my love and my undying devotion, now I'm not sure that I have his anymore, or maybe I never did. I want to scream at him to wake the fuck up and look at what he's doing to us. Even though I do my best to cover it up and I know I've gotten good at it over the last year, he should be able to see through it. Edward knows me better than anyone does, and that's because I chose him to be that person. He would see through my disguises if he were paying attention and not putting all of his efforts into his work.

Nick talked me into seeing a counselor and not just once. I went while Emilee was at school and Edward at work, I could not let either of them find out. I kept track of our finances so Edward wouldn't know the money was gone. Her name is Bree Tanner. She has deep brown hair that flows down to the center of her back and a smile that would warm a criminal's heart. Her voice is whimsical and tantalizing; she has a good way with words. Her tone is always caring and concerned. She listens to what I have to say and pushes when I hold back my feelings. Such as the way Edward makes me feel when he comes home and doesn't say a word to me. The way he doesn't notice when I put on something cute to try and rustle his fancy.

"I feel like my worth is nothing to him, that no matter how hard I try, nothing is going to bring it back up in his eyes." Bree held the pen in her hand, had it hovering over the page in her notebook. I waited for her professional response, as I always do, that's why I'm here, for professional help.

"Now, I might be going out on a limb here, and forgive me if I am. But," she leaned forward, her legs crossed and her elbows resting on her notebook. "Are you sure your worth has been lowered in his eyes? Are you sure you aren't giving yourself the credit you deserve?"

I opened my mouth to respond but all that came out was a squeak.

"I'm not going to say anymore. I want to have a few more sessions with you before we get into deeper issues." She ruffled a stack of papers on her desk and proceeded to write something down on a blank page. She reached over her desk and handed it to me, which I took without hesitation, and she leaned back in her chair. "If you don't mind, I would like to meet your husband."

I laughed aloud, "No, not that I don't want you to meet him," which, in a way, I guess I don't, "he doesn't know…about this." I never tell anyone who he is because I don't want them to try to use me to get to him. I definitely do not want Bree to tell him that I have been seeing her behind his back because he wouldn't understand, he would take it the wrong way, as betrayal, when all I am really trying to do is save our marriage.

"Now Bella, there are deeper seeded issues here that need to be dealt with before any situation can get better. A marriage includes two people, both of which need to make compromises to make things work. I'm confident that you are not the problem, and neither is your husband, but I can't help you find the solution unless I hear both sides of the story."

I looked down at the piece of paper she handed me and saw three words: _You are significant_. Tears swelled in my eyes and I looked up at Bree whose eyes were bold and waiting. "Think about it and I hope to hear from you again." She stood from her seat and I stood with her. We shook hands; I left silently and made another appointment for only myself.

For three months I have been seeing Bree and Edward hasn't changed a bit, if anything he has gone in the opposite direction. Nick has been staying around a lot more and I can't be sure whether it's a good thing or not. I have a feeling he thinks our friendship will go further than just merely friends, and if that's the case, he is wrong. I love Edward all the way to my core, there will never be another for me. But I didn't voice my thoughts, I need Nick more than he knows.

Our sixth anniversary was just around the corner and I was careful not to expect anything out of him. Edward came to me the day before and told me he had to go to Pennsylvania for a second recording. I nodded my head and did my best to keep face but my attempts were tested when he pulled me close to him with a firm hand and kissed my head. Butterflies exploded in my stomach at the raw electric hum between us; then he was gone. Edward left the day before our anniversary.

_He has something planned_, I thought with a smile. That would be so out of his character nowadays but his farewell was far from the norm. Maybe he's coming back around and we can go back to the way life used to be before all the fame.

"Angela," I said out loud though no one would hear me, thou Nick was due to arrive at any moment. I trudged down the hall to the kitchen where my phone sat, silent on the kitchen counter. I rushed to Angela's number and put it to my ear after pressing talk a few four times.

Her unexpected greeting took my hopes down a few notches. I asked her if she was aware of any surprise Edward had planned and she told me no, she hadn't spoken to him in months. I wasn't the only person he's been putting on the back burner, he hasn't spoken to his brothers in who knows how long. I really don't have a clue because he doesn't talk to me, I just know from what they've all told me themselves.

Emilee got home from school and we started our usual routine, I made dinner and she did her homework. Nick showed up just before dinner was done and he sat with Emilee while I dished it out. I received a text message from Edward just before we sat down for dinner advising me that he was boarding the plane and he would be out of contact until he landed. That made me think that maybe he really does have something planned.

We ate dinner, Nick, Emilee and I together and Nick helped me with the dishes and putting Emilee to sleep afterwards. I couldn't get Edward out of my head, which wasn't anything new, and I ignored Nick most of the time. I made him watch The Blind Side with me because, for one, I felt like crying and I know that movie would give me reason too, and second, because I wanted to feel the love of the family on the screen. The love in my family has dissipated to almost nonexistent; at least some false love would be nice.

"You okay?" I barely heard Nick ask from my side. I turned to face him and he was looking right at me. He was reclined back against the couch, his arms up over his head and his legs out however he wanted them.

I looked back at the Television, trying to come up with something and coming up completely empty. "It's Edward," I said in a whisper, and a single tear fell. "He left to Pennsylvania," my emotions got the best of me and my face feel into my hands. I sobbed, and it wasn't the soft kind of sobs either. Everything that I have been going through and putting up with started to pour out of me; there was no stopping it. Nick put his arm around me and comforted me while I sorted through my head. How could he do that? Ignoring me and Emilee is one thing, but forgetting our anniversary. He promised it was the one date he would never miss.

Nick left after my break down, he didn't want to but I made him. I went to sleep with fantasies floating around in my head of what his plans could possibly be. I haven't dreamt of Edward in a long time, especially not the nightmares I used to have. For some reason, tonight they came back, but this time Edward and I were in the present day and things were exactly as they are now.

I woke up in the morning and my pillow was damp from the tears I must have shed during the night, that or I drooled uncontrollably through it. When I looked in the mirror and saw the puffy red skin around my eyes I was sure the damp pillow was from tears. I got Emilee off to school and picked up the house, which wasn't much and called Alice to see if maybe she'd heard anything. Maybe Jasper and Edward had something planned together.

No luck there, Jasper was taking her to the space needle, which has become something of a tradition for them. I tried anything and everything to keep my mind off of the date, to keep my hopes from rising only to be dashed later when nothing come of the night, but nothing would do it. Emilee arrived home sooner than I expected—I hadn't been watching the clock at all—and we sat down and went through her homework folder. Every Friday she receives one.

Eight o'clock rolled around and I put Em to sleep. I told her if Edward called I would wake her so she could say goodnight. Once back in the livingroom I saw that my phone had a message. I hurried to check it, hopeful it was Edward giving me some clue to our anniversary.

It was from Edward.

_It seems to be going good here, how are things? Sorry I didn't call, it's been busy.-E_

A single tear ran down my cheek and I nearly screamed in frustration. I wanted to believe wholeheartedly that he didn't forget, that he had something planned for the occasion. Now, reading his message, my heart is shattered.

_That's great Edward, things are fucking splendid here.-B_

All my anger and resentment piled up on me and I didn't care anymore about Edwards feelings or how hard he's been working. I had to remind myself that I let it get this far, that I kept quiet through everything and let it get to this point. But not all the blame could be placed on me. Edward is the one who stopped caring, Edward pushed himself away from me, away from us. The phone vibrated in my hand and I had to fight through the tears to make out the words.

_Did something happen? Is Emilee okay?-E_

_Emilee is fine, but I cannot believe you forgot the importance of today….I don't know what's happened to you but I don't even want to see you until my Edward comes back!-B_

I shut the phone and slammed it onto the counter. Call me stubborn; call me unfair, I don't care. Edward and I have lost our connection, that unyielding spark of something between us. The nightmares are back, something I never wanted to experience again, something Edward promised I would never experience again. Edward has promised a lot of things and the one's that matter are the one's he's broken.

If he wants to be a musician then he can be one, but if he wants me to be a musicians wife that never gets to see her husband, well that just not going to happen anymore. Music is his passion, it used to be mine as well but not anymore….

Edward came home and nothing had changed. He never answered me about my text that I sent and I think he forgot about it altogether. Nick changed though. He was touchier, and always putting his hands on my arm, or my leg, or just standing really close to me. Edward didn't even notice and never said a thing about it. One night he came home and Emilee, Nick and I were sitting on the couch and Emilee was reading a short story to us. Nick was sitting so close that I could feel the heat radiating off of him. I started to feel uncomfortable and it only got worse when Edward entered the room. He looked us over, some expression on his face that I haven't seen, and then continued to his study. I was done, done feeling like I'm not wanted, like I'm only here because we have history and a daughter.

"Can I show daddy my new book?" Emilee asked and I shook my head. It was all I could do not to break down and cry right there. Emilee ran up the stairs to Edward's study, gripping the book in her hands.

I turned in my seat and tried like hell to hold back the tears that were threatening to stain my cheeks. A sigh slipped through my teeth and I felt Nick's hand on my shoulder in the same instant. When I turned to look at him and tell him that everything was fine, that I'm just being an over-emotional girl, he caught me by surprise. His face was only inches away from mine and before I could reject, his hand left my shoulder and touched my face. He leaned in and I could taste his sweet breath, feel the warmth of it on my lips. He kissed me…and I practically let him. He's a beautiful man, good with his hands. His eyes are hazel which only compliments his dark fist worthy hair. Only one problem…he isn't my husband, the one person my body yearns for. He isn't Edward, and Edward isn't himself.

His lips were on mine for longer than I would have liked before I pushed him away and looked at him shocked.

"I'm sorry," he breathed and shook his head. "No, I'm not sorry, Bella you deserve so much better than this."

I had to keep my voice down because this was not something I wanted to share with Edward and especially Emilee. "I do not want this," I replied. "I want my husband, and no one else." I got up and opened the front door for him. "If you can't keep your hands, your lips or any other body part to yourself then you need to leave." I nodded my head toward the door and he got up sulking.

"I thought…" he stopped and looked down at the ground, "I don't know what I thought," he continued, brushing his feet on the carpet.

"I don't know either but I think its best that you leave," I motioned to the door again and watched as he looked up and headed for it. He stopped at the door, turned his head toward me and his eyes were wet, like he was about to cry.

"I don't think I can just be your friend Bella, I need more than that. You mean more than that to me."

"If I mean anything to you, you will respect my decisions and wishes." I nodded to the door again and he walked through it. He started to turn and I shut the door before he could say anymore.

When I was completely alone I let the tears fall. So much has changed and so much has not been said. On top of the fact that Edward doesn't have time for us anymore, it turns out Nick has some secret thing for me. Maybe Edward's absence is affecting me more than I thought. I needed to talk to Edward about our situation or I was going to do something drastic and probably regret it later. I made my way up the stairs and saw Emilee sitting on the first stair looking down at her book. When she noticed me coming up the stairs her head rose and I saw the pink in her cheeks that only meant one thing.

"What's wrong Em?"

She sniffled, "Daddy told me to wait outside and he would come talk to me." She sniffled again.

"Oh sweetie, daddy's probably really busy," I told her. That one sentence sparked something inside of me and almost brought me to tears again.

"_Daddy's probably busy."_

The fact that I can't even tell our daughter for sure that her daddy is busy really says something. I don't have any clue what he is doing, what he is up to, or what he wants anymore.

The answer came to me like a wrecking ball on an old abandoned building. We need a break. I, to figure out exactly what it is that I want from Edward and to gain the courage to tell him, and Edward to realize what he wants, if he wants me and Emilee or not. I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I do want him to even out his time at work and at home. If anything, I just want to know that he still loves me, that he's still attracted to me and that our marriage will work.

Edward came out of his study and passed by us and continued down the stairs. "I have to run back to work but I won't be long, I should be back in time to say goodnight." he didn't even wait for a response; he just grabbed his coat and keys and shut the door behind him.

I took a deep breath and climbed the stairs on all fours to the top. I rushed into my room and Emilee followed.

"What are you doing mommy?" she asked as she took a seat on my bed.

"I'm rearranging" I lied. "Can you do me a favor?" I didn't like to lie to Emilee, but right now it was necessary.

"Sure," she replied, watching me closely.

"Go down to the kitchen table and start on your homework, I'll be down in a minute." Her questioning eyes always broke me down; a child's innocence is something otherworldly. She went, but not without flashing me a confused look first.

The tears rolled down my cheeks and stained my shirt while I grabbed clothes blindly through my vision. I wasn't going to stay somewhere that I wasn't wanted any longer, why burden anyone when I don't have to. When I was done packing my own luggage I went and packed some for Emilee. I made dinner mechanically, silently crying through the whole process. I pulled myself together before I had to face Emilee, but of course, she saw right through it.

"Mommy is there something the matter?" she asked.

"No sweetie, what makes you think that?" anyone could hear the anguish in my voice, the tremble to my words. I was fighting back my emotions and having a really hard time doing it.

Her head tilted in such a way that makes you stop and take a deep breath, "You look sad, did someone pick on you?" she guessed.

She made me laugh and cry all at the same time, "No, nothing like that." I quickly changed the subject of conversation. "How's that homework coming along?"

She showed me her spelling words. This particular assignment consisted of writing each word three times, putting them in alphabetical order, and then writing two sentences containing at least five of the spelling words.

The kitchen timer alarmed and we ate dinner alone, afterwards, I traditionally made Edward's plate and placed it in the microwave. I decided I couldn't leave Edward while he wasn't at home, that would be the easy way out. Instead, I planned on leaving him while he was in the study. When he's in there he is basically not in there, if that makes any sense. It's like he's still working, he tunes everything out.

Edward walked through the door an hour late and Emilee, thou it took some convincing, was already fast asleep. I had our bags in the laundry room sitting on top of the washer and dryer waiting for us.

"Hey," I greeted him and he did this kind of nod-his-head thing. "How was work?" I continued to clean up the counter next to the sink where the freshly clean dishes had been, it was keeping my mind occupied, away from what was waiting in the other room.

"It was crazy, doing a radio interview is a lot more demanding than it appears." He loosened his tie and sat down lazily on the barstool. "Will you start the microwave please?" he asked. He asked, he hasn't _asked_ me to do anything in a while.

Of course I started it for him; it's what I am used to doing; taking care of my family. The microwave was all the noise in the room, I cleaned silently and Edward was silent. I didn't look back to see what he was doing, I didn't want to know and I didn't want to give myself away either. It just goes to show how much we have grown apart. We used to know each other's feelings, finish each other's sentences because we were so in tune with one another. I have been devastated, beyond that, mortified and he doesn't even notice.

The timer dinged and I sat his plate in front of him. He mumbled a thank you and ate his food, quicker than I'd ever seen him down a meal before. After, he hurried up to his study, leaving his plate for me to tend. I left it there and rushed to the laundry room, grabbing my car keys on the way. I put the bags in the back of my car and returned to the house. His study is down the hall from Emilee's room but I knew he wouldn't be paying enough attention to hear me or her.

I picked her up and she stirred slightly, but fell back into unconsciousness in my arms. I hurried out of her room, tip toed down the hall then rushed down the stairs.

* * *

_**I almost forgot how to publish, it's been so long. I regret that it has taken me this long to update but life calls sometimes and I had to pick up the phone. It was school and they said I need to get my head in the game so I did and now things are looking up. I will be taking a trip to Illinois, a road trip 4,244ish miles round trip) and after that I will be starting school again. I will finish this story even if it kills me.**_

_**Now, Edward's POV is next chapter and I'm not going to give you any inclination of what's going to happen, but trust me you'll want to read it. And then it will be the epilogue, SH will come to a sad end, sad for me, not sad in the story...HAPPY ENDINGS ARE A MUST...**_

_**Thanks so much for sticking with me...I hope to hear your thoughts on the turn this story took...**_

_**Leave me sum luv...lil' button just below-**surprised I remembered that_

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	29. Love and Other Drugs

29. Love and Other Drugs

**_EPOV_**

The very first memories of life I have are of my birth parents. Not memories of them laughing or memories of us sitting at the dinner table eating: No! These memories are much different than that.

_My mother crying; crying in fear._

_My father yelling, hitting and pushing._

My father rarely touched me; he saved all of that for my mother. Until she lay dead in the ground from his hand, I did what I could to protect her, though I was little and weak, I couldn't do much.

My parents, the people who showed me that life doesn't have to be like that and we have choices; are Carlisle and Esme. Carlisle worked hard for his family to have the things that most others only dream of. Not to mention the incredible connection they formed between all of us.

My goal is to be just like Carlisle, to make my family happy in every way possible. To provide for them like my birth father did not. I don't ever want to see Bella cry over anything. Work is the key, and being the absolute best that I can be. So I spend most of my time promoting, interviewing, signing, and taking pictures.

_Fans, fans, advertising, promoting, promoting, fans. _

My days are on repeat, like I'm doing the same thing over and over again. There are no days of the week, no months, but yet, the years, they go by like the tick of a clock. Every year that passes brings more success, but with more success only brings less happiness. I can feel the love that I have for my Bella _strong as ever_, but I must resist it. To give in to temptations during this time will only bring failure.

So I keep my distance, try not to make eye contact and hope that she will hang on to the connection between us. I could tell her, but she wouldn't understand, probably wouldn't approve and tell me that she would rather live in a box with nothing. I know better, I've been there and I will not let my family suffer the way that I have. I give them only the best, both Bella and Emilee have things others would consider unreachable. That's the way it is and that's the way it will always be.

An old friend of mine, Nick, has become a close friend to Bella. He has been keeping her occupied while I am busy making our lives what it should be. Alice and Rose are still around, but I know as much as the next person that women need male companionship. I hate to admit that I can't be that for her right now. I want to, God knows I do, but I have to keep my eye on the prize, and that prize is the rest of our lives. So Nick has been at our home more than I have. I know this because when I do get to go home, he is there, helping my little girl with her homework, or helping Bella clean up the dishes. Jealousy rages through me when I see him in my position, where I should and want so desperately to be, but I fight it back because this is something I wanted to happen. I need this, to keep all of my attention on our future.

So today, on my way home from uptown, I knew he would be there. When I pulled up to the house, there was the familiar car, the only one that didn't belong. I turned the key and sat my hands in my lap, unsure of what to expect when I entered the house. I have been waiting for the worst to happen; for Bella to give in to her needs and fulfill them with the wrong man. I wouldn't blame her because I am the only one to be held responsible.

I took a deep breath, put my blue tooth in my ear and made a phone call to someone I knew would want to have a long conversation.

"Well hello," Emmett said from the other end of the phone, "You're the last person I expected to get a phone call from. How long has it been?" Bella isn't the only person who's feeling the backlash of my priorities. My entire family has been getting after me about spending all of my time at work.

"Hello to you too big brother. Is it not okay for me to call you every once in a while?" I knew what his answer would be, and I also knew that he would be right.

"No it's not, you should call more often than that." I entered the house then, and prepared myself for what was to come. It's become something I expect, something that helps me to remember what I'm working so hard for.

"What has gotten into you bro, you have a beautiful wife and an adorable brilliant daughter..." Emmett was talking in my ear but I couldn't hear a word of it. I didn't care in the moment. Bella's presence was taking me over, overwhelming me to pure unconsciousness: Almost. I have mastered this, I can push the feeling away, not that I really want to, but it's what I need to do.

Nick was sitting at the table with my Bella and Emilee, eating dinner with them like I should be. The feeling of being alone and losing the only two things that motivate me in life, swept over me. I couldn't let them see it.

"Hey," Bella's angelic voice broke, "How was your..." I had to cut her off. Everything about her was screaming insecurities and it killed me a little bit at a time. I wanted to take her into my arms and kiss her senseless. Let her know how very much I love her and will love her until my heart stops beating. I wanted her with me always, but I knew that was not something I could do right now. If I gave into my obsession there would be no tomorrow, there would be no next week. There would only be the here and now, and only us.

"Yeah, I'm confident you'll give me a run for my money." I dropped my suitcase on the bar stool and grabbed a freshly chopped carrot from the cutting board, trying with every part of me not to look Bella in the eyes.

"What the hell are you talking about Edward? Have you completely lost your damned mind?" Emmett questioned me on the other end; I ignored him.

"No, you've grown since we played together last. If I didn't know any better I might think you were trying to one up me." I had to say something to make it look like I was still working. Which I would still be working once I got into my office, my sanctuary.

"Bro? You have got to be kidding me? Why do you do this to yourself and your family, I don't get it." He waited for the answer that I didn't have. I know why I am being the way I am, because I want my family to be taken care of. I don't want there to be anything that isn't within our reach, but that reason doesn't seem like such a good one anymore.

"I don't know anymore," was the last thing I said before I pushed the little button to end the call. I shut the door behind me, shut the door on the connection between us that now only lingered in the weak muscles of my body. It is always so hard to resist her influence over me, sometimes I don't think I will overcome it, but every time, I do. That is how I know, deep down, that what I am doing is right, and will be right in the end.

I sat at my desk, staring blankly at the computer screen in front of me. There were definitely things I needed to do. People I needed to contact and interviews I needed to set up, but I couldn't find the motivation to do it. It happens like this every night. I sit staring at the computer screen, but thinking about Bella. How soft her skin is, how enticing her eyes are, how lushes her lips look, and I know very well that all of those things are true to their core. So much time goes by before I get a grip on myself and really see the screen.

I directed to my email and just after opening the first of many emails received, I heard Bella calling.

"Edward."

Her voice shot a dagger through me as I gulped and pushed myself away from the desk. I pulled my blue tooth out—because this is one thing I can make time for if nothing else—and made my way down the hall.

This time every night I leave work in the study and say goodnight to my little girl. The brown eyed, bronze haired, beauty would never know the extent of my love and devotion. I feel sorry for the first little prick to try and court her.  
I had to make it short because being in Bella's presence for any amount of time nearly kills me. I want to stop, take a breath and take her in my arms. I want to sweep her off her feet and kiss her in every inappropriate place that I know she likes. But I have a plan, I have a set goal and I need to obtain it before I can let myself fall back into the ridiculous obsession I have of my Bella. It consumes me and takes all of my attention. I wouldn't be able to concentrate if I gave into it.

So I continue to pour myself into my work, not letting anything interrupt my concentration. I don't talk to friends, family, or any of the like. The only people I associated myself with are fans and business associates.

Before long I was becoming known without having to promote myself. People were buying my compositions like there wasn't going to be a tomorrow. I felt like the time to be with my family and friends was nearing and things were looking up. Of course, things had to get more complicated.

I was in a meeting with the production company, discussing what more we could do to keep the public's attention. I suggested that we add some vocals that aren't my own to the numbers. It might give more meaning to the music. What I didn't know was that they already had thought of that and had someone in mind.

They turned our attention to the projector and I was a little confused to see a YouTube video on the screen. A young woman by the stage name of "Tantalizing Torture" was belting out lyrics at the highest tone I think my ears could live through. Her bright cherry red hair was all over the place, her electric guitar held tightly in her hands. She was beautiful, no doubt about that, but her voice wasn't something I felt would be in harmony with the compositions I produce.

I let them know how I felt and they proceeded to another music video. This one was by the same woman, the "Tantalizing Torture" but the melody was slow. She was sitting on the beach, her toes in the sand and her voice magical. It was low, strained, and hurt. This Tantalizing Torture had a gift, one that was going to bring us both to the top of our game.

We were set to meet with her later that week and I was definitely excited about it. Not in the way most of the others were, they just wanted to see her in person, but I was excited to get back to my Bella; back to my Emilee.

Another thing changed while I had been so busy with work. I expected and hoped that Bella would keep trying to catch my attention. I didn't give in often but there were times when I failed to resist her temptation. I let my love and obsession free, I let it overwhelm me and take control for a moments time. It never lasted long, the celibacy I was going through to not distract myself was having its toll. Especially when she dressed in sexy outfits to try and get my attention. I had to work hard to resist looking because if I did she would reel me in. It wasn't a hard thing for her to do.

Bella stopped trying.

I wanted to tell her not to, to keep trying and to hold on. But how could I say that to her when I can see the pain in her eyes. My only option was to make it up to her when it was over. Explain to her my reasoning for keeping her at arm's length; it has all been for us. Every day I faux pray that she will not give up on me, that she can hold on until things get better. Things will get better.

The day to meet with the Tantalizing Torture had come and my business partners and I waited patiently at the diner. We talked about possibilities and the coming months. It was brought to my attention that if this Tantalizing Torture agrees to work with us, we would be making a trip to Pennsylvania very soon. That is where we do all of our recording.

We were all bantering when she walked in and only Blake, my manager, noticed her.

"Hello there," he reached out to take her hand. "You must be Tantalizing Torture?" he sounded so unsure of what to call her.

"You can call me Tanya." Her voice was not what I expected, not after hearing her music. It was definitely tortured. Her presence was an eerie one, like she might have a bomb strapped to her waist, ready to kill everyone in the building and maybe the building next to us too.

She sat down next to me and her eyes traced from my waist up. When our eyes finally met, she smiled, a sinister smile, "You must be Edward. I've heard so much about you."

I smiled back.

I watched as my associates bantered and pressed her for information. They asked her about her home life, if she had any kids or if she was married. The answer to those questions were all no. They asked her if she was willing to relocate or at least travel, a lot. Her answer to that was yes. We didn't have much time to talk, which was fine with me. I only wanted to hear her sing and then my goal will become a reality. The last thing I needed to do was so close to being complete. I could feel it in my bones, all the way to my core. Life was going to be good again, Bella was going to be mine again.

I was notified a week before we would be leaving for Pennsylvania, that we were leaving the day before mine and Bella's anniversary. We wouldn't return until the day after. I tried to voice my opinion about it and tell them that it wasn't good for me, but they said it was the only time Tanya could do it. I had a very hard decision to make and I decided that it would be up to Bella's reaction. If she didn't care than I wouldn't either. If she did care then I would make other arrangements to complete my goal.

I didn't tell her until the day I was leaving, why I waited, I can't say. Bella seemed to not mind that I was going. She didn't say anything about our anniversary, so I didn't either. Maybe she forgot, maybe things between us are a lot worse than I imagined. I decided in that moment that I would go, I would get this done and be done with the whole thing. My compositions would still be around even if I wasn't. It hurt to think that Bella had forgotten. I wouldn't blame her though, if she had. I haven't been around to remind her.

At that thought I couldn't help what my body did next. I pulled her to me, crushed her to my frame and kissed her forehead with as much love as I could pour into it. My body shivered with the electric hum that always comes with touching her, or being physically close to her. If I wasn't mistaken, I felt her shiver with me. I closed my eyes and held her tight before I released her and walked out the door. I didn't look back to see her expression, to see if my leaving was hurting her, because I knew that it was.

The flight was long, lonely, and tiresome. All I wanted to do was get to my hotel and go to bed. If I would have known the nightmare that was waiting for me when I did close my eyes, I would have opted for energy drinks and coffee all night. There hasn't been nightmares in a long time. I thought, and hoped, they were gone forever. This nightmare was different from the ones I used to have. Bella and I in our youth, at the orphanage where we first met. Us sitting on the bench that provided solace to us both in the park you could see outside our window. Me leaving with my adoptive parents and the look on Bella's face right before she fell out of my sight.

This nightmare was of the present. Bella and I not talking, Bella laughing with Nick. Her laugh ceasing when I enter the room. Emilee getting help from Nick with her spelling words and giving him a hug when she understood what he had explained. Bella preparing dinner, setting three plates on the table, the third one not for me. A fourth plate put in the microwave with my name on it. Bella walking back and forth in front of the door to my study, trying to catch my eye. Me not looking up so that she wouldn't succeed.

The next morning was torture. I tossed and turned all night while living in the nightmare I wished wasn't as true as it was. I got a cup of coffee from the lobby in the hotel and waited for my manager to call. It didn't take long, and a car pulled up to take me to the recording studio. I

wasn't prepared to see the person inside.

"Good morning."

"Shit," I tripped on the door frame from the surprise of her voice. In doing so, I spilt some of my coffee on her shirt.

"I'm so sorry, you startled me," I apologized. I found a box full of tissue and handed it to her. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Don't worry about it. Shit happens," she shrugged. She sat the tissue next to her on the seat and reached her arms up over her head. As soon as my brain comprehended what she was doing, I turned to look outside. "What a gentlemen," she half laughed, "But I don't mind. I don't have anything to hide and I'm sure I don't have anything you haven't already seen before." She laughed hearty this time.

"Yes, but I do have my manners," I replied keeping my eyes on a family getting into their car.

"This isn't coming out," I heard her, "is there another shirt in this car?" She asked the driver.

"No ma'am, but we can stop somewhere for you to get another."

"No need," I replied. I just wanted to get this day over with so I could go back to Bella tomorrow. "Take mine. I'll get another when we get to the studio." I reached up and pulled my shirt over my head. I held it out behind me, careful not to look, and she grabbed it.

"Why thank you Edward," I could hear the grief in her tone.

"Are you decent?" I asked after a minute of silence.

"Yes, you can look," she said and I could practically hear her crossing her arms in disappointment.

I turned around, grateful to see that she was, in fact, decent. Not too long after, the driver pulled over and we were at the studio. I let out a breath of relief. I exited the car and held the door open for Tanya. I was relieved when I got another shirt and went straight to work. I didn't want to sit around making small talk with anyone. I didn't want to procrastinate so much that we would have to stay another day to get this done. I wanted it over with today, so I could go home tomorrow and be with my family.

Eight o'clock came around and we were taking 5 while the producer played around with Tanya's voice. They didn't need me for this so I went outside for some fresh air. I decided to send Bella a text and see how her day was. I assumed, that is if she remembered, it wasn't a good one.

_It seems to be going good here, how are things? Sorry I didn't call, it's been busy.-E_

Waiting for her reply was near torture. I wanted to know if she remembered but I didn't want to come right out and ask. I didn't know what my explanation would be if she asked me.

_That's great Edward, things are fucking splendid here.-B_

That message told me everything I needed to know and more. Bella remembered and she thinks I forgot. It's probably better that she think that, then know the real reason. I didn't want to tell her that this was more important to me than our anniversary. If I thought she would understand then I would have told her. I know her better than that and know that she would have made every point that our anniversary is more important.

_Did something happen? Is Emilee okay?-E_

I had to lead her into thinking I did in fact forget, it's the only way I can see that might save our relationship.

_Emilee is fine, but I cannot believe you forgot the importance of today….I don't know what's happened to you but I don't even want to see you until my Edward comes back!-B_

"Edward," a voice called from behind me. "We're ready for you in here. Is everything okay?" Blake asked concerned.

I don't know what my expression was giving but I changed it quickly and replied. "Yeah, everything is fine. Let's get this wrapped man, I'm already ready to go home." I half laughed. I have never shown him this side of me. It's always been work, work, work.

"That's different," he smirked.

I didn't understand why but I let it go and entered the door before him.

Finally in my room, I thought about Bella and whether or not I should have told her that I do remember the importance of today; how could I forget. It's the happiest day of every year for me. I remember promising her on our wedding day that today would be a date that I never forget. What I said still stands true, to me, but to Bella, it's an empty promise that I didn't keep. Before I fell out I made an oath to myself that I would not let anything come before my family as soon as this project is done. After this, I'm done alienating my family.

I arrived home the next day and Bella and Emily were both gone. I put away my things and grabbed something to eat. There was mail on the table so I started sorting through it. A piece of paper was mixed in and it caught my attention. I flipped it over and unfolded it. In the center of the folded up piece of paper was a name; Bree Tanner. Next to that was a location, a phone number, and a date. Today's date. I've never heard of this Bree Tanner before and something about it made me curious.

I headed to my study and opened my laptop. I typed Bree Tanner into the Google search engine to see what I could find about her. You can search anyone on the internet these days and find almost anything about them. Be careful though, not everything you read is fact.

I didn't expect what popped up.

**Compassionate and Practical Counseling Offered By Bree Tanner**

_Bree offers warmth, compassion, skill, and over ten years of dedicated experience. She employs a holistic approach utilizing a variety of techniques to facilitate rapid growth and change. In a supportive and nurturing way, she guides clients from feelings of fear, anger, depression, grief and anxiety into inner peace, joy, acceptance, forgiveness and empowerment. Bree teaches clients how to have more fulfilling relationships with themselves and others._

_Overcome struggles, breathe new life into relationships, and transform fears into freedom. Learn to enjoy life fully!_

I had no clue that Bella was seeing a counselor. I should have known though, all the heart ache I've been putting her through. She probably didn't tell me because she thinks I wouldn't approve. She's right about that, but if she really wanted to go I wouldn't argue about it. I want her to be happy and happy with her life. If counseling is what she needs to achieve that, then so be it. I would go with her if she needed me to. Whatever it takes to get our family back to the way it was.

I shut my laptop and folded the piece of paper back to the way it was before heading back downstairs to place it back into its spot where Bella had left it. Emilee was due home from school in an hour so Bella would be home at any time. I had some things to take care of so I decided to go before she arrived.

Bella never asked me about our anniversary and I never brought it up either. Jasper did though, he told me she called to see if I had anything planned. I ached inside at the thought of my Bella, sad and alone on our anniversary. My blood boiled when I thought about Nick being there with her and eating my anniversary dinner. I used to like Nick, back when we were all friends. I wouldn't call him my friend anymore because I am not blind.

I see the way he looks at her, the way he sits and stands so close to her. I can feel the tension in the room when I enter it and he is there. He wants my Bella and I am basically handing her over on a silver platter. I appreciate the companionship he has provided during my time away, but I will not stand by and let him take my family away from me.

The days that followed were rough, and I went into them knowing they would be. Bella was angry at me with not mentioning our anniversary, but I was, somehow, going to make it up to her. I arrived home around 6:30, shortly after Bella and Emilee would have eaten dinner. When I walked in the door, I was not surprised to see Nick sitting on the couch. Seeing him sitting so close to my Bella almost made me lose it. I rushed up the stairs, so many emotions coursing through my body that I couldn't be certain which one was the most dominant.

My office chair was calling my name, the laptop already roaring for me to open it. Both of which would relax my muscles and calm me before I did something drastic. I laid back in the chair, running my fingers through my now short hair. I missed the tousles that used to wrap around my fingers. More so, I missed feeling Bella's fingers wrapped up in my hair.

I yanked my hand down, the palm hitting the side of the table next to the laptop. I noticed a figure in the doorway, it was Emilee. The expression on my face had to be something horrifying because the look on hers was one I've never seen before.

"Daddy," she stuttered at the door, "look at my new book." Her little hands were cradling an almost larger than her book.

I didn't have the patience at the moment to be the daddy she needed me to be, the daddy I should be, so I told her to go wait outside and I would be out in a minute. I opened the laptop and typed in the password that has always been the same. I looked up just in time to see the sad look on Emilee's face before she turned and ran out of my sight.

I felt horrible, what have I become? Why do I continue to be this monster I never wanted to be? Why am I turning into him?

I saw myself slamming my fists on the keyboard, slamming away the intruder of my happiness. I wanted it all to go away, I wanted to return to normalcy, to Bella and Emilee. What I really did was turn my attention to the illuminated screen in front of me, the emails from newspapers, from magazines, and from my producer. I wanted to delete them all and send no reply. I wanted to abandon everything I've worked so hard to achieve so I could break down the wall that has been built up between me and my family.

One of the emails caught my eye, it was from one of the local radio stations, confirming an interview. That interview was in 30 minutes. I shut the laptop and grabbed my blue tooth off the desk. I rushed out the door, knowing very well that I told Emilee I would see her outside, and continued down the stairs passed her and Bella.

"I have to run back to work, but I won't be long. I should be back in time to say goodnight." I saw the look on both their faces, how could I not, but I acted as if I didn't and left the house.

I made my way to the radio station downtown, thinking of what I was going to say to the questions they were bound to ask. What if they asked me about my new mystery partner…would I tell them about Tanya? Should I tell them about her? I know there has been rumors, but are they aware of them? I had prepared, prepared for anything. Though, I was not at all prepared for who was waiting for me when I arrived.

"Hey Eddie, looks like we're doing this thing together," her sinister smile sent shivers through out my body. "Blake said it would be a good way to introduce me to the fans."

"Great," I said sarcastically, but my sarcasm went right over her head.

Tanya followed me to the elevator and talked the whole way up to the 11th floor. She talked about how well Blake has been treating her, and how the rest of our team just adores her. She never stopped talking about herself, and I had already had enough of her by the time the elevator doors opened. I exited quickly and Tanya tried to keep up but her mile high shoes prevented her from succeeding.

We were greeted by a woman who escorted us to the room where we would be meeting the radio voices. There were three people present, not including Tanya and I. They were in the middle of broadcasting when we entered and they all greeted us during the next commercial break.

"Edward, it's great to meet you man. The names Garrett," a guy with glasses and a braided beard shook my hand. "And who might this be?" he asked of my new "partner".

"Oh, this would be Tanya," I paused and swallowed hard, "My singer." I could taste the bile in my throat as the words slipped out from my teeth.

The look on his face was astonished as he took in what I said. "Singer huh? This is breaking news," he replied, twisting his beard between his fingers.

"Yes, and we've already recorded one track," Tanya told him, smiling that same sinister smile.

"That's great," he half laughed, "this is going to be one great segment." He then started to situate his chair and the mic in front of him as the countdown started.

1…2…3….4

"Hey everyone, we're back and boy do we have a treat for you. With us we have the marvelous Edward Cullen," he motioned for me to greet the listeners.

"Hey ya," I said in a don't really want to be here in this moment tone.

"And with him, he brought a friend," Garrett continued. "Tanya Denali, aka, Tantalizing Torture."

"What's up Seattle," she smirked into the microphone and at me.

Garrett turned to face me in his seat, resting his elbow on the table and his chin in his hand. "So what do you have up your sleeve Mr. Cullen? You haven't been one to have a partner?" He added with a turn in his chair to get agreement from the other members of his team, "Am I right?"

I fiddled with my hair for a moment, long enough for every pair of eyes in the room to look at me as if to say, _say something_. "Oh yeah," I leaned closer to the mic, "My manager and producers feel that we need more of an edge, "I said with an edgy kind of tone and put my fingers in the air. I left it at that, leaning back in my chair; it tilting back on two legs.

The most recent part of my life has revolved around my career, which is, as time goes by, seeming not as vital as I originally thought it would be. Every part of me was telling me that it was the most important thing; to financially provide for my family. I lost focus on emotionally providing for them in the process, and I lost sight of myself. I know this because of the way I just treated my little girl. If anything has stayed the same, it's been my attention to Emilee. I see now, that it isn't true anymore.

The rest of the interview went by in a blur. I had decided what was most important in my life and what I was going to do to fix it. Tanya did most of the talking, they were more interested in her than me, because she was new and different. She was good in the lime light, she would probably go far. But I didn't want to stick around long enough to find out.

When it was finally over I rushed out the door and Tanya quickly followed after me. She managed to make it to the elevator before it closed and I noticed she did so because she had taken off her shoes.

"Is there something on your mind?" she asked in a huff, struggling to put her shoes back on. "You seemed somewhere else during the show."

I laughed, because she had no idea how true her statement was. "Yes, I do," was my only reply.

The elevator seemed to be dropping in levels lethargically. Going up was a breeze, but going down was a wholly other thing. You would think the opposite would be true. Not in this case.

"Well, do you want to talk about it?" She asked after a few minutes of silence.

"No," I replied as the doors opened. I hurried out into the main area and headed straight for the swinging double doors. I could hear Tanya calling after me, but I didn't look back.

The limo driver was waiting with the door open when I flew out of the building. I gave him a quick look and darted down the sidewalk. I hailed a cab and just as one pulled over, Tanya appeared behind me.

"What are you doing? Have you lost your mind?" she asked in disbelief. "The limo is right there."

"I know." I opened the door and turned to her. "You wouldn't understand if I told you." I got in and shut the door. "174th and Bell! There's an extra 50 in it for you if you make it quick."

With that being said the taxi driver took off, leaving Tanya dumbfounded in the rear window. I didn't care that she was confused, what I did care about was the fact that I wasn't confused any longer. My judgment was clouded by hunger; hunger for success. That cloud has finally thinned out and now I can see the truth. Bella and Emilee are what I need most in life, and they are what I am going to pursue from here on out.

The drive to the house seemed like it took forever, but I gave the man an extra 50 and made my way to the front door. Once I got there, I realized I didn't know what I was going to do once I got inside. Would I just grab Bella up in my arms and kiss her senseless, like I've wanted to do for some time now? Or would I be normal until I get what I need to get done, done? I decided on the latter.

Bella was picking up the kitchen when I walked in. She asked how work was and I acted nonchalantly, though every muscle in my body was being tugged toward her. Like, now that I knew I was going to indulge, I couldn't hold myself back. I asked her to start the microwave for me, knowing very well there would be a plate in it, ready for me. Bella started it, and I may have seen a look on her face that I haven't seen in a while. She looked pleased. I couldn't wrap my head around why, but it made me pleased at the same time.

She sat the warm plate down in front of me and _I think_ I said thanks before I dug in. It was one of my favorite dishes, and I was ravenous. I don't remember eating at all today, which is probably why I ate the food within minutes. Or maybe it was because of what I was going to do once I was done.

I left the plate on the table because I couldn't wait to get upstairs. Once I reached my study, I sat in my chair, which wasn't as comfortable as I remember it being earlier that day, and opened my laptop. My fingers flew across the keys as I typed in the password, and continued to fly until I was at my Gmail. I clicked on Blake's email address, and started a message. I had to write it a few times because I wanted to make sure it said what I wanted it to put across. In the end, this is what I got.

_Blake,_

_I've come to the realization that I have been an idiot. More than that, I have been a bad father and a terrible husband. I have put everything and everyone before my family. I swore I would never do that, and it's all I have been doing for the last four years. I can't do it anymore Blake. I know we have a contract, and I will honor that contract. But when it's over, I'm done. I will also not be working anymore once I get home. My phone will be off, and I'm going to throw my laptop in the bath tub (well, maybe not literally). You have been a great manager, and a great friend, and this has nothing to do with you or anyone else; it's all me. My life is suffering because of my career, and I would be nothing without my family. I hope you understand, and I hope you can work with me on working less than usual. I will work hard, with determination while I am working, but when I'm done for the day, I'm really done. No exceptions. _

_I hope this doesn't change anything, as in our friendship or our goals. _

_E. Cullen_

Now that that was done, I was ready. I wanted to feel Bella in my arms, feel her skin against my own. I wanted to smell her magnificent scent and taste her to-die-for lips. I couldn't get down the stairs fast enough.

The kitchen was empty. I called for her, "Bella," and nothing. I checked the down stairs bathroom and it was empty. I ran back upstairs to our room, nothing. I checked our bathroom, and then Emilee's room. My heart dropped when that was empty, too. I ran back down the stairs and out the front door. The only car in the driveway was mine.

My heart started to pound, she wouldn't have left without saying something to me, especially taking Emilee out at this hour. Something was wrong, or something was going on.

I raced back in the house and found my phone next to my laptop. I dialed her cell…no answer. I pressed redial…again, no answer. I went to the kitchen and found the home phone. I dialed her number for the third time, and again, no answer. Was she ignoring me?

Then it dawned on me. I was too late. My revelation came to me, but I deciphered it too late. Bella had taken Emilee and left, she got fed up with the way I'd been treating her and disappeared. I couldn't blame her, I knew what I was doing was wrong the entire time, I just didn't know how to fix it.

I had to fix this.

* * *

There is still another chapter and an epilogue to come. I'm going to do my best to get them both done before school starts again, January 3rd. Thanks for reading and thanks for being patient with me while I took care of more important matters. Thanks you to Scrimmy for being my Beta, still, after all that time. you!

_**Please leave me your thoughts**_

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	30. Gone with the Wind

30. Gone with the Wind

_**EPOV**_

I tried to contact Bella over and over again, but to no avail. I called the only person I could, the only person that would know what to do. I called Alice. I hadn't talked to either her or Jasper in well over 4 months, and even then it was just a quick hello. I hoped she would want to help me, or at least get a hold of Bella and talk to her for me. At this point, I felt like she would be my only chance.

"Hello," Alice greeted energetically on the other end of the phone.

"Hey Alice, it's Edward."

"I know who it is, I'm just surprised." Her voice confirmed what she said.

"I know I haven't been keeping in touch like I should. My priorities have been all out of whack, but I have them in order now. I need your help Alice." It wasn't really my intention to just jump in and ask her for a favor, when I know very well I am undeserving, but the fact of the matter is; I need help.

Her reply was confusing, just what I expected. "What do you need my help with? Shouldn't you be talking to Jasper or Emmett?"

"Well, the kind of help I need has to come from a woman, especially someone who Bella trusts."

Alice's tone turned from confused to worried, "What's wrong with Bella? Where is she?"

"She was here when I got home and so was Emilee and now they're both gone. Bella wasn't answering my phone calls, and when she finally did, she told me she was at a hotel, and that she wasn't going to tell me because she doesn't want to see me right now." I had to take a breath before the next words could be coherent coming out of my mouth. "I think she's left me Alice."

"First thing is first," she cleared her throat, "Edward Cullen, you have been a complete ass for too long."

"I know, but.."

"You have put your work before you family, which is the biggest no no you could do."

"I know, but I…"

"You have got to change your ways or your family is going to abandon you, just as they feel you have abandoned them."

I had to speak quickly or she wasn't going to let me get a word in. "Alice, I know. I know what an idiot I have been and I know that my family means more to me than anything else ever could." That was more like it.

"You need to tell Bella that, she needs to hear it from you. It also wouldn't hurt if you showed her what words can't."

"Like the fact that I refuse to live without her, and that my mind, body and soul is useless without her."

"Yeah, something like that." She sighed, "You call the hotel's and try and find her. She will probably be at the last hotel you will expect, so I recommend calling all the trashy ones first. I'll head out now, and call me when you find her. I'm going to have to talk to her in person."

"Thank you Alice, you don't know what this means to me."

"Just don't make me regret it Edward or I will never forgive you," and she hung up the phone.

I opened my laptop, for something other than work for the first time, and looked up the hotels in Seattle. I started out with the ones that I'd never heard of before and went down the list. Each call ended with the same result.

"I don't have any Isabella Cullen, or Isabella Swan checked in. Sorry sir."

I started to lose hope that I would find her, that Alice would be able to help me. That was until I made the last call I needed to make.

"Thanks for calling the best value in Seattle, The Airport Inn. How can we help you today?"

"Hi, I'm trying to get a hold of my friend. She told me she was staying at this hotel, but unfortunately forgot to mention the room she would be staying in. Could you look her up for me?"

"Sure, what's the name?"

"Isabella Swan," I wasn't sure whether or not she would use her maiden name or not, so I always tried it first.

"I don't show anyone here by that name, sir, could it be under another name?"

"Oh, I forgot she got married, Isabella Cullen."

"Ahh, yes, I have an Isabella Cullen, in room 307. Would you like me to transfer you?"

"No, thanks," I had to contain my excitement, "I'll just come by and see her in person. Thanks for your help."

"Not a problem, you have a great day."

I called Alice the moment I ended the call. She said she knew where the hotel was and that she was on her way. I advised her that I was going to go there, too. I didn't want to wait to see Bella. I wanted to see her now, and that wasn't soon enough. She talked me into letting her talk to Bella first, and maybe take Emilee to her place so we could discuss things without Emilee having to overhear. I knew it was best, so I let it be. But I didn't wait long to leave the house. I couldn't be there without them in it. It wasn't the same, it felt empty, all the love and comfort went with them when they left.

I drove for 10 minutes before I got a call from Alice.

"Bella says you can come and talk to her, but she's really shaken up about everything. She didn't know what else to do. She felt leaving was her only option."

"I'll be there in a few minutes. Thank you Alice. I owe you big for this one."

"You do, and all I ask is that you not break her heart again Edward. She's been through so much with you. I'm surprised she still wants you, I wouldn't."

"Thanks for the encouraging words Alice."

I sat outside the hotel for more than a few minutes. I didn't know what to expect when I knocked on the door. Better yet, I didn't know what to expect when I saw her face. Would she be completely sickened by me? Would she hate me so deep that there would be no fixing it? Or would she still love me, still want to make it work?

I hoped wholeheartedly for the latter as I walked up the stairs to room 307.

I knocked lightly on the door and waited for her to open the door. No answer. I knocked again, but this time, I called to her. "Bella, please. I'm begging you to let me in."

The door opened a crack and Bella peeked out it. I watched her look me up and down, taking in all of the stress and despair I have been besieged with. She looked down at the floor and it seemed that she didn't see what she liked. That maybe she really had given up. I wasn't going to let that happen, not without a fight.

"Can I come in…please?"

_**BPOV**_

"Where are we going mommy?" Emilee asked when I say her in her booster seat and buckled her in.

"Just go back to sleep." I brushed her bronze curls away from her face and her eyes closed at my touch. I looked at the house for a long moment, all the wonderful memories attempting to drown me. Then all the bad memories came in their place, and I forced myself to get in the car. I turned the key and backed out of the driveway in one fluid movement. Once I was on the road, away from the house, that's when the impact of what I was doing hit me. Not that what I was doing wasn't the right action to take, just that the decision I made was an impulsive one and I didn't even think about what it would do to Emilee.

I turned on the radio to try and distract me from thinking about what I was doing. Of course, the song that would come on would be the only one that could tear me down. Rachel Proctor, "Me and Emily."

_Just a cheap hotel,  
With a single bed,  
And cable TV:  
Is good enough for me an' Emily._

Perfect time for this song to come on. I continued to drive through tear filled eyes to the last hotel in town. I had some cash on me so I wouldn't have to use the card and give away my location.

_Will it break her heart?  
Will she understand,  
That I had to leave?  
That's what was best for me an' Emily._

I turned the car off the moment I had it in park because I couldn't stand hearing that song any longer.

The hotel was one that acted as an apartment, there was one bed and a mini sized kitchen. It was a real dump but I wasn't sure how long I would have cash, so I didn't want to spend a lot on a hotel. Emilee, was excited, she wasn't tired any longer in the least. I told her she could skip school tomorrow and that's when she became curious.

She was lying on her stomach on the bed, her elbows up and her head resting in her hands. "Where is daddy? Why isn't he with us?"

"Your daddy is at home, we had a little fight so we are going to stay away from him for a little while until we can agree on something." She is 7, she wouldn't understand and it would only confuse her and make her upset if I tried to explain any further.

"Okay," her feet were flipping around in the air, she didn't suspect a thing. What a relief it would be to be 7 again.

Emilee fell back asleep shortly after and I laid in my bed, tears rolling down my cheeks. Why does this life have to be so hard? What happened to change the way we felt about each other? I tried so hard to bring us back together and he just pushed all of my attempts away like they were fruitless.

He had forgotten about his family. Forgotten about me and Emilee. I couldn't help it, but the hate for him I hold is so strong. I remember a time when we were nothing but happy. Our family, young and impenetrable. We laughed often and smiled more than not. Edward ate dinner with us every night because he loved my cooking and spending that time with us. Emilee has always been infatuated with him. She is most definitely a daddy's girl through and through. She always hung on every word he said. Edward returned that infatuation, but not anymore, or so it seemed.

Now work has been more important and his old lonely ways come back to haunt us all. He always told me I was all he needed. Once Emilee came into our lives, he changed that remark and said _we_ were all he would ever need. Obviously he didn't know what he was saying before he said those things. So I'm left with empty promises and pain as a reminder.

I watched our daughter sleep on the hotel bed, the table light on next to her and the book she was half reading under her head. Her bronze river of locks were flowing rapidly over her face, so that I couldn't fully see through to it. My chest tightened at the thought of us never being a family again. But what else was I to think? Edward didn't care anymore, I thought he was going through a faze, but it has now been made more obvious than ever. I couldn't think too far on the subject—I needed to stay strong for Emilee. Though this is what I was worried about from the beginning. Becoming nothing in his eyes.

I never dreamt that Emilee would, too. How he can look away from the beauty and innocence in her eyes, or the plea in her voice I will never fully comprehend.

There was a shrill, but low sound that came from my pocket and my heart accelerated to its maximum speed while I dug hurriedly to retrieve it. I finally got it free and opened it as Emilee's eyes shut again.

"Hello?" I knew the voice on the other end would only be one person. I don't know why I answered it—why I didn't just take the battery out a long time ago—but I did.

"Bella, where are you," Edward's voice was strained on the other end. I was relieved to hear his voice, but my heart hurt too much from the years of pain he has caused to fully enjoy it.

"How could you do this Edward?" I whispered. "You promised me, you said forever…but you lied." The tears fell and there was no stopping them. I'd held them in for Emilee but now, her being sound asleep, they fell like rain drops down my cheeks.

"No Bella, you've got it all wrong. Please come home so we can talk about this." He pleaded and I wanted to give in, but I couldn't. My mouth opened but no sound came out. "I love you…I never lied. You have to believe me," he continued to beg and plead but my mind and heart were closed off to him. The walls back up sturdy, as if they have not been down for six years. "Say something Bella, please."

Then there was silence. No breathing, no panting like moments before, just silence.

"We're at a hotel Edward," I said through glossy eyes and clenched teeth, fighting back the sob that wanted so desperately to escape. "I won't tell you where because I don't want to see you right now," lie, "I need time to think about this and I think you need time to think about what you really want." My voice hitched as I said the words. The thought of him not wanting me was worse than anything I've ever experienced. "Whether you really want me." I managed to choke out before I flipped the phone shut.

I held it close to my chest, next to his mothers locket that still held his childhood photo but across from it a photo of us. I let my head fall to the pillow next to Emilee and cried soft silent tears into the pillow. I wanted him to find us, that was certain, but what I didn't know was whether he deserved it. Could Edward ever change for good? Was he destined to be this man that cannot commit to his own family?

There was a frantic but light knock on the door that woke me from a light tearful slumber. I instantly thought it was Edward and I hesitated. I didn't want to fight or argue with him in front of our sleeping-soundly child. She didn't need to see us fighting, that would do no good for her and she deserves the best life, life can give.

There was another knock before a voice I wasn't expecting came through from the other side of the door. "Bella, it's Alice."

I hurried out of bed and unlocked the door. Alice looked confused.

"What is going on?" she asked louder than I anticipated.

I held my finger over my lips and pushed out the door, leaving it open a crack behind me.

"Emilee is sleeping," I said as I grabbed her arm and led her down the walk a few doors.

"Edward called and said you were here. He asked me to come see if you needed anything and to see if he could come and talk to you." She paused and looked at me with an expression I couldn't decipher in my current state of mind. "What happened?"

"I got sick of him ignoring us and doing nothing but work, work, work. He made Emilee a promise last night and then he broke it…just ran right out the door. I didn't know what else to do. I can't take the abuse any longer Alice, it hurts so much." I cried and Alice wrapped her pixie arms around me.

"Let me take Emilee so you two can discuss this. There's no need for her to be here for that," she offered and I shook my head against her shoulder.

"I don't want her out of my sight, she's all I have left." I trusted Alice, but Edward is smart and if he wants her bad enough, he'll go and get her.

"I'll take her to my friends, but I'll tell Edward she's with me at my place. Bella, I won't let him take her like that."

I agreed, and Emilee left with a smile on her face. Alice was taking her to McDonalds and then her friends place not too far from here. She sent me a text after she called Edward, said he was on his way and to expect a knock on the door soon. I waited, sitting on the edge of the bed, starring at the door knob, my phone in hand. I didn't know what to expect or what to see but I knew I would soon find out.

15 minutes later and I heard three light knocks on the door.

My heart started to race and my palms started to sweat. I pushed myself off the bed but couldn't grip the door handle hard enough to open it.

Three more knocks and then, "Bella, please. I'm begging you to let me in." He pleaded from the other side of the door.

I didn't respond, but I opened the door and peaked out the crack provided by the sliding lock. He looked bad, worse than I have ever seen him. His eyes were puffy and red, his hair more disheveled than ever before. He was still in the same clothes as yesterday, so it was safe to assume he hadn't slept. I could tell by the languid look of his stance and dark circles that looped around his eyes.

I looked down toward the floor because I couldn't look him in the eyes, not yet.

"Can I come in…please?" he asked softly. I could feel his gaze on me as I stepped aside to let him enter. The door opened just enough for him to open it and then shut its self with a loud click. The lights were off and I pressed my body up against the wall to be as far away from his hum as possible. It was eating me alive, making my hands sweat and causing my heart to thump hard against my chest.

"I know what you must be thinking," his tone was the same as when he asked to come in. "I can't imagine how hard it's been for you. I know you probably won't believe this but it's been hard on me, too."

I kept quiet, but he was right—I didn't believe him.

I could feel him step closer, his breathing deep and vigorous. I cringed from numb feeling that was coming over me. I didn't want him to melt my heart, I didn't want him to chase away my pain. I wanted to know the truth and I wanted him to feel my agony.

"Don't touch me," I breathed as soon as I could find my voice.

"Bella," he cried," please, you have to believe me, I love you." He grabbed my hand in the darkness and I pulled it back hard, against me. He fell to his knees and laid his head against my stomach, wrapping his arms completely around me and crushing me against him. "I can't live without you, everything I've done has been for you. All the lonely nights, all the long days at work. All for you Bella, please don't throw that away. I swear, I hated every moment that we were apart. I thought it was what I needed to do. I know now that I was wrong, Bella, please stay with me."

He was looking up at me with eyes full of tears and agony that shot through me. I knew, in the depth of my soul, beneath the hurt and the anger, that I couldn't live without him either. The trust was gone, that would have to be rekindled with time. The love was still there, never left, never faltered. Doubt, was the strongest emotion I could find, and doubt wasn't a good thing to have.

"How can I trust you?" I asked because I couldn't find the answer myself. "You haven't touched me this much in months Edward, why do you hold on to something that doesn't interest you anymore?" I fought back the tears as the words escaped my mouth. For it to be true would be something worse than death.

"No," he denied, "You are the only person that holds my interest, you have it all." He climbed to his feet and put his hand against my cheek—his other hand held tight at my waist. His fragrance flowed off of him as if it was attracted to me. "Bella," he called for my wandering eyes, they rested everywhere but on his. I didn't think I'd be able to fight that intensity. "I swore to love you forever Bella and that isn't long enough. You are the most beautiful thing to me, the most beautiful person inside and out."

My tears fell onto his hand and he wiped them away.

"Please don't cry Bella, please. Let's just put this behind us. I can show you I'm done with being so distant. I've given my manager my new terms, no late nights, no work while I'm home and I'm done when our contract is over. I can show you the email I sent, and his response. Our life can go back to the way it was, we can be happy again Bella. Please give me the chance to show you."

I looked into his eyes—saw the sincerity I was looking for. If anyone knew Edward, it was me, and he was telling the truth. But my heart was still ripped open from the precious wound. He had some major healing to do.

"Prove it," I said and his eyes widened with hope. I'd said that once before and he went the extra mile to do it and he did it right. I was banking on him doing it again.

He let out a deep sigh and his hand fell to my shoulder. The tips of his fingers traced down my shoulder until he reached the palm of my hand. He squeezed it gently and then pulled me up into his arms, lifting me off the floor. He inhaled deeply and planted light kisses along my neck.

"I won't let you down, I'll prove it. I did it once, and I can do it again."

The thought of him touching me so willingly and the heat of his breath on my neck sent me into a whirlwind of emotions. We haven't had this kind of contact in who knows how long. I wanted to know if this side of us was back, I missed it so much sometimes I couldn't breathe when I remembered how much we were in love.

I fisted my hand in his wild hair and his kiss on my neck was hard and I heard his deep intake of breath.

He pushed me back against the wall, letting me slide down until my feet found the ground. His hands pushed up against the wall on either side of my shoulders and his breathing was wild to match my own.

"I've missed you," I said in a lust filled whisper before his lips could find mine in the dark.

He stopped and looked into my eyes, the best he could with the lighting.

"I've missed you so fucking much Bella, you don't know how hard it's been to keep you off my mind." His hips swayed against mine and I could feel how much he meant what he said. It felt like an explosion inside of me, so much bottled up sexual frustration and so many emotions clashing at once. My back arched to get closer and his left arm wrapped around the small of my back to hold me in place. His lips were back on my neck and my hands back in his hair. One hand fell to his back between his shoulders and I dug my nails into it.

He groaned and picked me up by my thighs, this time my legs wrapped around his waist. his lips found mine but didn't touch them. He hovered there, teasing me.

"I've never stopped loving you and I never will," he said so close to my lips I could teach out and lick them if I wanted to—and I did.

"I love you, too," I said desperate to feel the connection I've been jonesing for. It's like a drug to me and I've been sober for so long. It was time to indulge.

"Forever," slipped between his teeth just before he pushed his lips to mine and his hips. He didn't hold back his feelings and he didn't hold back his need. It was almost like experiencing the first time all over again.

He pushed back against the wall and leaned me against it for a support. He hiked my long skirt up to my waist and gripped my hips with his hands, pulling me unbelievably closer to him. I unbuckled his slacks and he let them drop to the floor. Once there was only thin fabric between us I could really feel him. I gasped when he pushed himself hard against me a second time and my head fell back and hit the wall—not hard.

Panting and sweating we got the fabric out from between us and Edward thrust inside me. It was rough at first because it's been so long. But too soon, it was pure bliss and I don't think anyone was sleeping anymore. Edward was seductive, he caressed my body while focusing all of his attention on me. It was slow and sensual, mind-fuckingly so I couldn't keep myself contained.

"I. Cant wait any longer," he grunted and pulled me away from the wall. He laid me on the bed, never breaking the connection and his movements became hard and fast. He released inside me at the same time I climaxed for the second time. He relaxed on top of me and let out a ragged breath, wrapping his arms around my neck.

"Oh my god," he breathed before he kissed my neck, my collar bone and my lips, in that order.

"I'm really happy you're back," I said winded when he stopped to take a breath.

He raised up onto his elbows and gave me his crooked yet saddened smile, "I never went anywhere and I never will." He stared into my eyes, as I stared back into his. "I know things have been bad, and I know things need to change, and they will. I want this Bella, more than I need anything. I meant what I said and I will prove it to you if it takes all of my life." He rolled off onto the bed and encased me in his arms. We fell asleep that way, wrapped in each others embrace, just like we used to, when life was great.

There are still things that we need to discuss but we were okay—better than before. At least I had Edward back, the Edward that brought me flowers to say he was sorry about being jealous. The Edward that knocked out Michael Welch for putting his hands on me. The same Edward that gave me his most prized possession; his mothers locket.

Edward had told me a long time ago, back in the field beside the group home, that we had a connection stronger than time, wider than fucking space and tougher than love. At one point in time we hated each other and blamed each other for what happened. Our love out shined that. Our love also lasted a span of 15 years, stayed strong and continues to grow stronger as time passes. We, together, have moved through life swifter than either of us ever imagined. We have had our ups and downs but it seems nothing can penetrate our connection, that unyielding invisible shield that surrounds us, that holds us together. It felt like we were home again.

* * *

_Well, I managed to get this done...surprisingly! I don't know that I'll get the epilogue done in a timely manner but it will get done. I appreciate all of your feedback and I'm so thrilled that the majority of people who have been reading this from the beginning are still here and are still being supportive. You don't know how much joy it brings to me. This will most likely be my last fanfiction, as I can hardly find the time to finish this one. I've had a great time writing and hearing your thoughts...of course the stories will still be listed and if you ever want to drop me a line, I will definitely respond. _

_Thanks again everyone...look for the epilogue to come._

_**Please leave me your thoughts...little button just below**_

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